The Matrix

[Metronome]

Hi,

 

I'm new to these forums and fresh to accepting myself as the transsexual woman that I am.

 

I won't get into all of the details of my life, right now, because I'm extremely sleep deprived. Mania and the ending of the world is getting to me.. along with the relentless stressor of fighting all year for internal peace, at the ongoing peaks of suicidal ideation.. Ya, Covid will probably kill me before then (I live in the Bathsalt State of Florida), but suicide is about controlling ones terms of death.. 

 

I'm getting sidetracked, I apologize...

 

Aside from the fact that I'm a 30 year old person who took the dive off of the suicide train to try out happiness for once in my life..

 

With that said, I must say that I'm madly disappointed and mortally frustrated with my experiences thus far (along with my current outlook of what my -crappy- future as a trans woman will most likely be), trying to attain some peace and clarity or perhaps some reduction to my gender dysphoria as a part-time openly trans woman..

 

Living my life for myself; it sounds good in theory, but I honestly don't know if I'm going to pull through fully with my medical transition due to really not feeling confident or safe in doing so...

 

I was approved for hrt on Monday and inquired my first appointment a few weeks back.. Since then, my fears of permanent sterilization commited against my genetic materials feels like a crime against the Gods themselves.. (I can't tell if these conflicts arive from merely family pressure making me consider future reproduction or if it's something that I truly desire; perhaps a combination of both or niether.. or just fear-based reconsiderions of the unknown) it's painful to wrap head around the consequences of hrt..

 

An incredibly excruciating existential crisis, for sure..

 

My dysphoria is at all time high.. I've been in "crisis mode", for most of the year, since accepting my trans disposition in life.

 

I would've started saving money, in my youth, had I known that hormones sterilize male bodies, but I legitimately thought sterilization wasn't achieved until after bottom surgery, and Ididnt learn this news that I'll be frying my reproductive systems with hrt, until a few weeks ago when I made my first appt for hrt.. and unfortunately read the disclosure agreements of the risks associated with hrt.

 

The tbing is, I can't afford to freeze my sperm on top of the costs of storage for at least 5 years to a decade, when I may be ready to financially afford to care for children; if I even decide to want children by that time.. I may not and by 40, I'd had wasted tens of thousands of dollars (if not more) to safe my decade old seed..

 

I have so much to lose if I transition, before even getting my feet wet in living a normal and productive life to create something to lose.. My family who love and care for me deeply; I know I will lose them. I will lose friends (the few I have)..

 

My life is not the best, it's not the worst.. so I enjoy my male privilege.. I don't want tits and I love my voice and my mannerisms. But 50% of the time I suffer with the absolute opposite of that spectrum; where I wanna be that long haired bombshell passable queen that str8 men line up to be with... The other side of that coin is where I'm contemplating cutting it off and acting like absolutely a loon.

 

Socially, I've been out of the closet as Nonbinary for 7 years, a community that opened their hearts and arms out to me; with 2020 being my first year finally "testing the waters" after a lifetime of avoidance and denial.

 

But ya, that's all I got.. I'm about to passout from 3 days of no sleep..

 

I'm happy to be here; greetings to all my brothers and sisters. 

 

? hello

[Cyndee]

Welcome Metronome to trans pulse forums and thanks for your intro post

 

You've found the right place to discuss such things. Indeed Estradiol treatment will eventually make you sterile.

 

Have a look around our forums, join in the conversations, start your own topics or answer others, it's up to you.
 

Post away as the mood strikes ya

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Metronome.  Welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

I am sorry to hear that life has been a bit of a struggle for you.  Hopefully you are on the track to more happiness.

 

It sounds like your major dilemma at the moment is the risk/certainty of sterilization and the effect on your potential for parenthood.  One question you should ask yourself is, How many times in the last 5 years have you wished you had kids?  Not wondered if you should, not considered the implications, but actually wanted them?  Hated the fact that you didn't have them?  Only you know the answer to that. 

 

But if the answer is zero, then you don't want kids, and what you are concerned about is whether you ought to have kids.  That is about how your life looks to other people.  We trans folk do a lot of that, wondering how our lives look to others.  The road to happiness is casting that aside long enough to consider what we actually want for ourselves.  Transition is the most selfish thing we will ever do, because it is something we do just for ourselves.

 

You are wise to pause to consider, because some of the steps in transition are irrevokable.  But don't get yourself stuck.

 

Good luck!

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Heather Shay]

Welcome Metronome - you have a safe haven and a group of supportive ladies who have wisdom and experience to share their thoughts and advice on your hopes and dreams and worries and even the sperm freezing (although I never had that worry because it took me to 68 to finally face myself and whatever sperm I had was of no value to me from the day I was born - had step kids - no natural ones).

 

Be assured you are in comforting arms here and you can ask what you feel and need and no one will judge and all will tell you how they approached their issues and make suggestions that you are free to choose or at least consider.

 

Heather Shay

[Susan R]

18 hours ago, Metronome said:

I'm extremely sleep deprived. Mania and the ending of the world is getting to me

Hello Metronome, It’s nice to meet you. I have to say that the craziness is getting to everyone. You’re certainly not alone. I try not to let it get the best of me because it’s all really out of my hands but I can understand your concerns.

 

18 hours ago, Metronome said:

I enjoy my male privilege.. I don't want tits and I love my voice and my mannerisms.

Your concern about not being able to father children was also a concern I had years ago back in my 20’s when I seriously planned on starting HRT. As it turned out, I couldn’t even afford the therapy to start HRT (a requirement back then) so the decision was taken out of my hands. Now I’m too old to want to have any more kids so again, it wasn’t a concern this time around. A question I have for you is this...Have you come up with a plan on how you would deal with having breasts while on HRT?  It’s more then likely going to occur....maybe not right away but very likely within 6-8 months of starting.

 

18 hours ago, Metronome said:

I have so much to lose if I transition, before even getting my feet wet in living a normal and productive life to create something to lose.. My family who love and care for me deeply; I know I will lose them. I will lose friends (the few I have)..

Don’t count everyone out just yet. So many others here have been way off when it cam to guessing who would be accepting or not with friends or family. You could be totally correct but I’ve rarely found that coming out has caused anyone to lose every person in their life. Many people can have empathy for others...even if they don’t understand or agree with it. I wouldn’t base my life’s happiness on what you perceive might be a truth. You never know how someone will react to this kind of news until you’ve finally explained yourself to them. Your preparation (the information discussed and type of disclosure..email, phone, in person), the setting (are there distractions?), the timing (are they preoccupied with something else themselves?), and that person’s recent struggles all play into how well you’re accepted or not.

 

18 hours ago, Metronome said:

Socially, I've been out of the closet as Nonbinary for 7 years, a community that opened their hearts and arms out to me; with 2020 being my first year finally "testing the waters" after a lifetime of avoidance and denial.

Have you tried therapy? I couldn’t tell from your post if you used ‘informed consent’ for HRT approval or had been in some form of long term therapy to obtain it. You have a lot of things going on and a few major decisions to make for your upcoming future. If you haven’t looked into it, it would well be worth trying at minimum a session or two to see if it’s for you. I think you’ll be quite happy with what you discover about yourself if they are good at their job. They get to ask you the hard questions and if they’re really good, they get you thinking in other directions and perspectives. It has been an overwhelming success for my wife and I (we both have our own). If you do decide to look into it, make sure they understand all things ‘transgender‘. You can be helped without one with that specialization but it won’t likely be as productive long term.

 

18 hours ago, Metronome said:

My dysphoria is at all time high.. I've been in "crisis mode", for most of the year, since accepting my trans disposition in life.

I see that you’ve accepted that your transgender. That huge. It’s not the worst thing that can happen to a person although how it’s dealt with makes a huge difference on your happiness and overall wellbeing. Reaching out for help through support, friendship and getting proper information is a good place to start. You can find most if not all of that here. It’s like many things...You do get back what you put into it.

 

Thanks for sharing some of your journey...hope to read more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Metronome,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You may be surprised how much the support found here can help. Before I found these forums, I was thinking of taking the proverbial flying leap off the highest building in Grand Rapids. Finding the support of the wonderful people here, and discovering that I'm not alone in the world has made such a difference for me.

 

Just take things one day at a time. We can't live tomorrow today. You are NOT alone in the world anymore!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Confused1]

On 9/16/2020 at 4:52 AM, Metronome said:

Mania and the ending of the world is getting to me.

 

 it's painful to wrap head around the consequences of hrt..

 

I can't afford to freeze my sperm on top of the costs of storage for at least 5 years to a decade, when I may be ready to financially afford to care for children; if I even decide to want children by that time.

 

My family who love and care for me deeply; I know I will lose them. I will lose friends (the few I have)..

 

so I enjoy my male privilege.. I don't want tits and I love my voice and my mannerisms. But 50% of the time I suffer with the absolute opposite of that spectrum; where I wanna be that long haired bombshell passable queen that str8 men line up to be with... The other side of that coin is where I'm contemplating cutting it off and acting like absolutely a loon.

 

Socially, I've been out of the closet as Nonbinary for 7 years, a community that opened their hearts and arms out to me; with 2020 being my first year finally "testing the waters" after a lifetime of avoidance and denial.

 

Welcome to Transpulse,

 

The world does seem to get crazier everyday.

 

As Kathy mentioned, you have to look at how much if any you have wanted children up to now to help decide what to do. I am married with children your age so it is no longer on my radar.

 

You may not lose as much of your family or friends as you think. Everyone is an individual with different levels of empathy, but the way you present it to them can affect it as well. I reached one I almost could not believe. Just remember, you have dealt with this a long time. It might take them a little time to process it.

 

As Susan mentioned, if you haven't tried therapy it would be worth it to try.

 

The nonbinary is one area we seem to be very similar. Mine also seems to fluctuate also. I also "realized" I am transgender early this year. I plan to have the "bottom surgery" in the very near future. My dysphoria is not strong, but I have a medical condition that can be greatly improved by it. Two birds with one stone, so to speak.

 

There actually is a way to minimize or stop breast growth. I have mixed emotions myself and plan to minimize it. That said, if I get some growth I am also OK with it. Ask your endocrinologist about it. I know of at least two things they can prescribe that will affect it. Of course it will add expense to your hrt.

 

Mike

 

 

[SaraAW]

Hi Metronome and welcome. I am sorry to hear things aren't great for you right now. I really hope things get better for you.

 

You mentioned that you are out socially as non-binary already and you worry about some of the effects of HRT. Why do you want HRT? It's not required to be a trans woman. You could always just socially transition from non-binary to trans woman for now and skip all of the side effects of HRT all together. Once you've made up your mind on kids and the other effects of HRT, you can always modify for your plans.

 

Hope you have a wonderful day, stafy safe! Hugs!