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My new and improved re-introduction!


Heather Nicole

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I think I might be on the threshold of an early trans milestone, and simultaneously, I'm also feeling a deep need to bear my soul to other accepting souls in a more open, honest way that I ever have to anyone before. I've always been ultra-shy and ultra-inhibited (major social anxiety), but I've come to trust this community and feel safe to say what's on my mind here. I have so much to say, so much swirling around in my head, so I don't know how coherent, organized, or even accurate I can be, but I want to take everything I've learned since I first joined here and attempt a brand-new fresh introduction:

 

Hi, everyone! I've chosen the screenname "Heathick" because I'm not especially great at coming up with handles. I often feel embarrassed at what I feel to be a confusing, weird and not great username, but I just came up with it by combining a top candidate female name for myself ("Heather") with my given name (which I do cherish). I also like "Amy". And the female versions of my given name. So many great names to choose from!!! How many names can I have? ;)

 

I've lived my 38 years so far, mostly content to be the straight cis male I always assumed myself to be. The "feel like a girl in a guy's body" narrative has never fit me, which is a big part of why it's taken me so long to realize "Maybe I'm trans?". But I've always has occasional desires and wishes to get to be female (can't for the life of me remember whether they started before or after puberty began), and over the last few years the feelings seem to have suddenly accelerated (especially in the summer when I really envy women's light, and cute, hot-weather-appropriate clothing options).

 

Someone recently posted about an academic, clinical psychology book called "Men Trapped In Men's Bodies" by Anne Lawrence about autogynephilia. I got hold of it (love it, by the way), and I'm absolutely confident that certain types of autogynephilia are definitely part of my story. It felt amazing to read about things deeply secretive about me that I so closely identified with. But I also feel fairly strongly that autogynephilia doesn't cover everything about my gender identity. I feel like another big part of the puzzle for me, is just plain old personal preferences. For example, wearing women's clothing has never "excited" me in the slightest, but I just like them much more than I ever did men's clothes. And I just like long hair, minimal body hair and feminine mannerisms (as examples) much more than I do short hair, thick/dark body hair or masculine mannerisms. Etc. Preferences. Just like some people like gals, some people like guys, or both or neither, some people like sports, others don't, some people like pepperoni on their pizza, others like plain cheese or veggies only...Same deal. Personal preferences.

 

I've fairly recently survived, and successfully emerged from, a two-phase period of being borderline-suicidal with a definite death wish. Although, none of this was directly related to gender identity (but I do think it was indirectly related).

 

For the first phase of this period, the problem was extreme despair (for lack of a far stronger word) over being mid-30's without ever having gotten to experience the one thing I've always wished for by far above all else: a girlfriend. (I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.) After over a year with a constant revolving door of endless, all useless, counselors, I was able to heal this wound and genuinely overcome my suicidal thoughts in a mere half hour (albeit an extremely, super awkward, but deeply, deeply appreciated half-hour) by questionably hiring a...well, nevermind, this is a family-friendly forum ;)

 

Unfortunately, only a few months after that, some unrelated things "hit the fan" so to speak, mainly related to family, a living situation and a career path I always "knew" in my heart was my path that...never really panned out, and culminated in burnout and still-ongoing soul-searching.

 

I've been very tempted in the last few years to visit some local LGBT+ gatherings, but social anxiety and self-doubt always stopped me. And now that COVID's around, I have all the more reason I need to avoid such social gatherings: I've been helping out my mom (who I'm beyond humiliated to still be financially dependent on) as she's three kinds of at-risk: Age, diabetes, and...battling cancer...

 

Ugh...when it rains, it pours...am I right?

 

But on the upside, one of my "gifts to myself" indulgences when I can afford it (I do have a very good job, it just isn't nearly enough to make a living) is the panties from LeoLines. And my pink-trimmed trans-flag pair just arrived yesterday! (Along with a super-cute trans-flag hair scrunchie to match! My first scrunchie ever!) OMG, this pair is my favorite underwear EVER!!!! Never want to take them off, never, ever ever. I'll just have to hop into the washing machine with them :)

 

I know up above I teased a possible "threshold of an early trans milestone". Tomorrow, I have my next regular appointment with my psychiatrist. I might ask about gender counseling resources. I don't know, I may chicken out, and knowing me, I probably will. But if I do ask, that'll make her the first person I know "in real life" that I come out to...

 

I'm absolutely terrified to (like I mentioned, I've always had major social anxiety and ultra-major inhibitions), but also partly aching for one of the bandages to finally be ripped off...(And I feel like my time is just tick...tick...ticking away anyway now since my hair loss seems to have suddenly kicked into high gear just this past year or so. Ugh.)

 

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem ;)

 

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5 hours ago, Heathick said:

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

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  • Forum Moderator

@Heathick glad to see you expressing yourself. That is very important and healthy. Be strong with you psych because you are important and need to be able to overcome the anxiety to ask about gender help. If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that. You can identify the issue now disarm it. If you can identify it that is over half the battle.

Good luck and be strong

Shay

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Heather.

 

Congratulations on the self-analysis you have done so far.  It takes a bit of digging to sort this all out, and you are well on your way.  I wish for you the strength you need to come out to your psychiatrist.  It's a big step, bit a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

 

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Good luck on your continuing journey!

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Hi @Heathick,

    While I can't exactly relate to everything you are going through, I did with one thing you said. I was terrified to admit to myself or anyone else that I was trans. The first person I told intentionally was my therapist. I was not there for gender issues. Sadly my reasons were abuse related. On a lighter side of this, I am much happier and more confident in who I am and how I want to be treated by others. As I was working through some really bad stuff, I also became very comfortable with them. Enter one nasty pandemic and the beginning of telephone therapy. I wasn't sure about that process but extremely grateful that my therapy would continue. First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive. I still have to find an actual gender therapist but, this experience showed me that I really should try to embrace who I am and stop denying myself this happiness. I felt like a major weight was of my shoulders after so many years. They were thanking me for being so open and trusting. With them and some of the really supportive friends I have found here, this has helped me find good ways to tell some of my friends and family too. I would have never done that if not for taking that moment to open up in a very safe place.

    I would strongly encourage that you consider talking to your therapist. I can't give any other clue as to how your experience will go. Only do this when you feel it's a good moment but, hopefully just knowing you are not alone helps immensely. Of course you have all of us but, it truly is not the same as speaking with someone that you have met directly. 

 

Best of luck,

Abi

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Thanks, girls!!!

(Hee hee, I kind of really love saying that :))

 

And guess what? I did it! :)

 

I think it helped that it was a telephone meeting instead of face-to-face (Silver linings of virus fear. Gotta love silver linings.) And we already have very good rapport, so I knew I didn't have anything to fear from telling her, just normal nerves. At the right point in the conversation, I just felt a big urge to go through, so after a bit of mincing words, I told my psychiatrist that I was interested in finding someone good for gender counseling. She gave some thought to who she might know, but wasn't really sure so she said she's look into it for me, and see what she could find out.

 

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

And there's no doubt in my mind I wouldn't have done this today if it weren't for all your kind words of support and encouragement, so thank you all again, to the whole forum!

 

Oh, PS: When I walked into work this morning, the people-counter at the door just happened to tick its last three digits over to "777". This must have been my lucky day!

 

17 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

 

It's one of my favorite songs to sing in Rock Band. :) In fact, I may go back to it tonight...Maybe I'll even grab the foux guitar :)

 

16 hours ago, Shay said:

If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that.

 

Yes, she actually already got me on an anti-anxiety about a couple years back or so, and I think that's been helping. That, along with some other non-pharmaceutical efforts I've been making.

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Thanks very much for the heads-up. I feel I'm still a complete novice on all the psychological theory and responses regarding transgenderness. Although I can certainly see how that idea would be controversial...

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Thanks, I'll be sure to keep that in mind!

 

15 hours ago, Abi said:

First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive.

 

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

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9 hours ago, Heathick said:

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

I love it!  Well done, Heather! 

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  • Forum Moderator

@Heathick I am so happy you were able to tell your psych. That is a tremendous and exceedingly hard thing to do. It should get easier for you to talk about things and as time goes by it will get easier. 

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14 hours ago, Heathick said:

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

You are so welcome. We all need to support each other. It is great news to know that you have taken this step forward. Don't rush yourself to be anything other than comfortable. Everything will become clear when the time is right. You can count on strong support here. I did feel better for sharing, once I finally did. No one can tell you what is best for you but asking for advice is a great way to see many views. Then you can choose your path with a bit more confidence. That is how we get through times of uncertainty. 

 

Best of Luck,

Abi

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On 9/23/2020 at 6:29 AM, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

Me too.   When I first got up the nerve to dress, it just felt so right to me - it was like "FINALLY"!

And it was not erotic, just a relief.  I think that says something. 

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On 9/23/2020 at 12:56 AM, Heathick said:

(I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.)

 

In cases anyone's counting, I mean the "reverence" stuff and "attraction to women was not expressed with typical male confidence", not the "other-directed interests" parts.

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Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!) It took me quite a while to contextualize that I didn't just want to peacock, I was very, very, very much a woman. Then the maybes came, but that's another story.

 

Welcome! (again?)

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15 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!)

 

Wow, yeah, I definitely still have a lot to learn about women's fashion. One thing I can say though: One of my biggest summertime pet peeves is that even though women still get to wear real, actual shorts, it hasn't been kosher for me since the early 90's. (And don't even get me started on cargo shorts!)...Buuut, that might actually be more the 80's child in me than anything else ;). Heck, I still think Magnum P.I. shorts look better on guys than the parachutes down to the knees that have been such a big thing for the last 25 years.

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Yeah even beyond the usual gender policing people get a bit emotional about shorts any shorter than the knees. 
 

You think you’re uncomfortable with my thighs being visible, Mom? You have no idea what it brings up for me. 

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      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
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