Comfort Food

[K.S.S]

Hi, so this is pretty uncomfortable for me, talking about food, because it brings up a lot about my father. During my childhood my mother always had between 2 and 4 jobs, so she wasn't really home to see it and we didn't really tell her because we didn't know it was strange behavior. Of course she isn't stupid and confronted him when I started gaining a lot of weight at only age 2. She did her best trying to keep that stuff out of the house by my father had a "secret" cash flow and he would use it to get his own things at the downtown IGA / CVS store.

So, my father would be left with just me because my (half)brother moved out/ ran away and my sister had just started preschool. He would just give me candy because I "needed something to do."

As I got older, of course I was overweight so when he was angry with me he'd call me things like "ugly pig". When I got my first pair of glasses I became a dumb/ugly/fat librarian. It always seemed to make him laugh. Around my 14th birthday, we kicked him out and moved, but the damage was kind of done.

Now I feel like I use food to pass the time AND when I'm upset but when I'm really hungry, (enough that I feel sick) I can't get myself to eat anything. I tell myself not to snack all the time but I still do about every other day. It doesn't help that no matter how often I explain that I'm struggling with my self control, the people I live with (my sister and her fiance) still pack the house with junk food. 

I don't know what to do. If I start paying for therapy I'll never be able to afford my own place, and I'm not even sure where I'd go if I did leave. It feels like I don't matter enough to make the effort, I mean if my sister doesn't care why should I? 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Oh sweetie. Big hugs.

 

Take it a day at a time. I used to be 299.8 pounds. I never QUITE crested into 300+ territory, but I was headed that way. I'm down to 188.6 as of my last GYN appointment.

 

So, here's what I did to slim down:

 

• Get Active: This one sucks. Not going to lie. I'm still kicking the rust off after two years. I'm going to get to where I want to be, physically but it's going to take time. You have to keep working at it. On the plus side, it gets easier as you go. PRO TIP: Find someone who knows what they're doing to teach you. I started with $20 and a video I purchased from Amazon. I couldn't do the whole thing at first, but I got there. Now I train with my friend Ray. She used to compete when she was younger.
• Watch Your Calories: My phone came pre-loaded with an app that I can use to track calories in/calories out and where I'm getting those calories from. No matter what health problems you might have, your body still has to obey the laws of thermodynamics. Cut down on carbs. Load up on proteins. The protein helps you to feel full and your body can't stockpile it the way it can hoard fats and carbs.
• Drink Plenty of Liquids: When you feel hungry, drink a glass of water (or two) first. It's easy. It's cheap. It's healthy. A ridiculous number of Americans have a weak thirst reflex. Our bodies tell us we're hungry when we're really thirsty.
• Keep At It: This one is super important. You need to keep working at it. At least four days a week. Don't give up.

OK, now here's where I cheated a little: When I started, I paid for a four week course of laser liposuction. It's cool lasers and vibration and was pretty affordable (~$200). I did that because I knew that if I didn't see results, I'd give up and I really didn't want to give up. I couldn't get healthy for deadname, but I could do it for Jackie.

 

Now, i didn't give up junk food, I'm just careful about it. Once in a while, I'll have a bag of chips (personal size, we're not talking about a family bag), a cookie, or I'll share a bowl of ice cream with my spouse. Maybe even a slice of cheesecake. However, it's not every day and I plan for it. If it doesn't fit into my allotted carb/fat/protein ration for the day, I don't eat it. Period.

 

See if you can get a friend to help you. I was alone when I started, but I much prefer working out with friends. Best of luck sweetie! Wish you lived closer, I could be your exercise buddy.

 

Hugs!

[DonkeySocks]

What Jackie C. said, plus: oatmeal cookies! Make oatmeal cookies with about 1/3 less sugar than called for the in recipe. High-fiber desserts are not junk food.

 

Eat a lot early in the day so you don't get to that sick-hungry point.

 

You can't control what your housemates bring into the house, so you'll have to be the super hero and figure out how to address what you don't like about your eating habits. When you were a toddler you didn't have a choice. You have choices now.

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I couldn't get healthy for deadname, but I could do it for Jackie.

K.S.S.  It is never easy and straight forward, I grew up in a poor household with 4 sisters where bread was the main accessory to every meal, food was a reward, a comfort and something to make me feel better.  Since I started questioning I have also realised that it is an easy excuse for me to sabotage myself too - I can't dress as DeeDee because I'm fat and will look ridiculous.

Jackie is right in making a glass of water your very first go to, but the exercise is the key ingredient.

 

Her quote above has been the big reason for my own motivation.

 

I used a couch to 5km app last year to start getting in shape for a summer dress I really, REALLY want to fit into - and I did the first week 3 times before I could complete it, eventually in February this year I did a 13mile nigt time hill run, just before the Covid lockdown and I managed it easily. After not doing anything for 6 months. I started the app again last month, but then signed up for a charity fundraiser to motivate myself and am walking, jogging or cycling 5km every day this month to raise money for disadvantaged or abused children.  Although it hurts the exercise also helps, mentally completing these little goals will give you the same literal high you get from eating junk and you will notice your walking speed increasing and your recovery times improving. Find something you like to do and just do it.  I still binge sometimes, I'm still overweight, but I'm changing my habits and that will help long term - it is a marathon not a sprint.

 

You could also ask the others in the house to encourage you, by at least hiding the sweet things if they won't buy less. Or going out with you.

3 hours ago, K.S.S said:

It feels like I don't matter enough to make the effort

You are absolutely 100% worth the effort. Never let anyone (even your inner voice) tell you otherwise.

[Teri Anne]

You are worth the effort don't ever forget that and welcome to the forum.

Dealing with weight is different for everybody but One thing I could suggest is don't lay all the blame on your Father OK?

Letting go of who to blame is the beginning or your dealing with it.

My gain was due to medication in the beginning but I just gave up and didn't care how fat I got. So that was on me.

I am trying to gain control myself so I know how that feels.

I  deal with compulsive over eating disorder and do binge eating at times so my weight has been a problem for the last 8 years.

Its been especially hard during this quarantine and I am the heaviest I have ever been now, my self control is very weak so I need to work on that.