Has attraction changed?

[Billy]

Hi everyone, 

Until my coming out as trans this summer I was living as a woman with a woman. Now that I do not identify as a woman anymore and feel myself more as male (not sure if non binary or trans man) I have, unfortunately, discovered that I feel more attracted by men. I would like to touch their beard, their flat chest and am also emotionally attracted. Now this is not only confusing but very frightening as I am married to a woman. She is a very kind and loving person and is quite supportive of me. I did not sleep at all last night because I feel so bad that I cannot give back to her. And if things concerning my sexuality continue that way we would have to break up which would be horrible for our two young kids. I feel so terrible. I am still pre everything. Sometimes I am wondering if I would like women again if I went on HRT. But my gut feeling is that I am most likely going to cause a break up sooner or later. 

Has anyone else experienced this? 

If so, how did you handle your internal struggle and shame? And ultimately, how and when did you tell you partner? 

Thanks a lot! 

[Jackie C.]

It's shifted a little on HRT. I'm not sure if it's because of the HRT or because as a woman, it's more socially acceptable to like men. I can admit that there are some men that I would consider as a romantic partner. They have to be pretty special though, I'm still pretty gay. My wife and I talked about it. I have no plans to act on any of these feelings, I love my wife and that's the end of it. However, it's not a bad thing that I can admit that I'm a little bi. I guess it means that I'm choosing her over an even larger pool of people.

 

Good on you for being into beards though. I personally find them repulsive. I like smooth, muscular (and apparently black) men. I have no idea why.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

First, I should say that I am not in a relationship at this time.  I was married to a woman for over 40 years and enjoyed that aspect of our relationship at the time.  Prior to that I had had some questions about myself.  But I was never attracted to guys as such.  I have been on HRT for a couple of years now, and E for almost a year and a half.  Between my age and E my "equipment" doesn't really function like it did anyway.

 

Of course this doesn't stop my imagination. (heh heh)  And in that world I feel myself in the place of a woman.

 

Oddly enough, I don't really feel attracted to men in the way I was attracted to women when I was living as a man.  And I don't feel attracted to women in that way any more either.  (Although I much prefer the company of women.)

 

I think if there was a guy that was into me, I would certainly go for it.  Maybe a woman also - although I believe that would have to be as two women.

 

Of course with this Covid stuff I have no social life anyway.

 

Guess this is complicated stuff.

[Sally Stone]

If I can offer a slightly different perspective, it might shed some more light on how our feelings can change.  I am not on HRT but when I began expressing my feminine persona in earnest, I noticed an increase in my interest towards men.  I can’t say it is strong enough that I would seek out a man, but previously, I never had any attraction and now when I see a cute guy something stirs.  My take is that I have always had this affinity, it’s just that when I allowed my feminine persona unbridled freedom, these feelings blossomed.  When I think of my situation, I can’t help but think that what attracts us to others is way more complex than we might think.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Sally Stone said:

My take is that I have always had this affinity, it’s just that when I allowed my feminine persona unbridled freedom, these feelings blossomed.  When I think of my situation, I can’t help but think that what attracts us to others is way more complex than we might think.

I think there is certainly something to this

[Rorelai]

Hey @Billy!

 

I wouldn't stress too much about having a concrete definition of your sexuality right away. When I came out as trans it took me a while to figure out my sexuality, and I'm still surprising myself when it comes to attraction. I had already come out as a bi man before I transitioned, but I would have probably said I was attracted more to men than women if I was giving an honest answer. After transitioning I messed around with guys and girls, and found it was easier for me to be intimate with guys so for a little bit I was reevaluating my sexuality and maybe coming to terms that I was a straight woman even though I'd been used to defining myself as gay/bi for so long and still having a complicated relationship with my attraction to men. Just recently though I started messing around with one of my friends, and things are getting a little more serious with her so at this point idk what to call myself. And that's ok! If you think you need the space to explore these feelings you have for men, that may be a conversation you want to have with your wife, but you shouldn't beat yourself up for having these feelings at all. 

 

Good luck and hope things work out for you!

[JillPilled]

To be honest, there's some abstract-parts to attraction as many here have been saying--I totally agree--you can find someone certainly who you still hold near and dear or are very much attracted to that may not align with what your atypical qualities you see as resonating with you attraction wise--perhaps due to how they flirt with you, meld with your persona, are intimate or close to you contact-wise or emotionally (regardless if they're masc, fem, androgynous, bigender). For me, before starting HRT a year back, before I was incredibly attracted to the same gender and was very much (what I thought) a lesbian at the time as I had virtually no underlying feelings for men (so I thought)--though progressively, I started to learn about aspects of men I found really quite attractive slightly prior to HRT then ON it that built consequent to it (I was bisexual perhaps, is what HRT was helping to realize). Mainly though, it manifested and focused on one man prior to HRT, who I was getting to know better and better, and eventually established a love for personally knowing DUE to these dimensions and more that I still can't quite place (though, he has a deeper-voice and HRT did help me realize, wow, I'm actually quite attracted to deeper-voices speaking with me)! My boyfriend. Strangely, with most other men I don't always feel the attraction to same masculine qualities comparative to knowing aspects of him--though certainly, some things can in-fact change with HRT, yes! I wouldn't go as far as to say it's a guarantee to change your sexual-preferences or what you see in your partner completely in all cases--I'm of the (of course personal view) that HRT in many aspects can add to your sexual-preferences or attractions in some instances!   

 

I really hope that you find a way to surmount this, I know the feeling of inter-conflict with attraction and it really can be difficult and you're valid for wanting to meet that task and maybe discuss this with your partner--it's good to have dialogues about this and think it through, regardless. Holding out hope that pre and if you decide post-HRT, you will find more a peace or contentedness with what qualities you find attractive--alongside with your partner, and however you both end up feeling about it! Know things can go well for y'all. Hope you take care ?

 

[Billy]

Many thanks for your insights. It calms wlme down a little to read that finding you identy often also involves rediscovering your sexuality. At the moment, I am incredibly attracted to trans men, any of them, every single one I have met so far. No matter if they already look male or not yet. I really get rolled over by emotions. Sad part is, that I am not having these kinds of emotions for my wife....