Aurora's Feeling log

[Jackie C.]

That is an excellent attitude. I still have my moments, but the instances when the dysphoria monster is batting my brain around are much less. I wish you the same.

 

Also, the good drugs. Honestly, it didn't hurt nearly as much as you'd think. I never did use all the painkillers they sent home with me. I used two or three, but I was an idiot and took the train home. That was something of an ordeal. That may have been the most important thing I learned: Do not ride the train cross-country on a fresh vaginoplasty. It was a terrible idea.

 

Hugs!

[Aurora]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

That is an excellent attitude. I still have my moments, but the instances when the dysphoria monster is batting my brain around are much less. I wish you the same.

 

Also, the good drugs. Honestly, it didn't hurt nearly as much as you'd think. I never did use all the painkillers they sent home with me. I used two or three, but I was an idiot and took the train home. That was something of an ordeal. That may have been the most important thing I learned: Do not ride the train cross-country on a fresh vaginoplasty. It was a terrible idea.

 

Hugs!

I will be flying.  Dr. Crane in Austin TX has told me to stay in the area for 3 weeks and gave me the dates for all 3x post-op visits.  Then I get to fly home.  Even though I am going from Phoenix to Austin.  That is still almost 4 hours of sitting

[Jackie C.]

12 hours ago, Aurora said:

Even though I am going from Phoenix to Austin.  That is still almost 4 hours of sitting

 

It wasn't the sitting, though that wasn't great, so much as... well, train rides aren't what you'd call smooth. It was also more like twelve hours for me on the return trip. I think you'll be fine... or at least better than I was.

 

Three weeks seems like a lot. Probably a good idea though. All my follow-up visits after the first one have been telehealth. I have taken more pictures of my vagina than my face at this point.

 

Hugs!

[Aurora]

40 days and counting till my GCS surgery

[Aurora]

I am having a really hard time today. I feel like that I will never be able to pass or blend in with being myself. I am feeling like that I am destin to be alone and that I will never find love. I am really hating myself and I am just ready to go into hiding again and hide from society

[Jani]

Stop that!  You've accomplish much and you should be happy about it.  Will you need to travel further on this journey?  Maybe, but look at the good that's transpired in your life.  Look around.  Women come in all shapes and sizes.  Some are adorable, others not so much. But they find love.  As the old adage goes, even the blind squirrel finds the nut.  Do not despair.  Keep looking forward! 

 

Jani

[Aurora]

I am not understanding it.  I was feeling really excited about my surgery in April, but I am now hating myself and hating how I look.  I look so ugly and feel like a freak.  I hate feeling like this.  I just so ugly

[Jackie C.]

Hello dysphoria monster. Please leave @Aurora alone?

 

Seriously sweetie, this is part of your journey. You're beautiful and this is just a stepping stone to blossoming into the person we all know you can be.

 

Hugs!

[Aurora]

The nerves and the excitement is building up now.  April 21st is coming up.  I have followed my doctor's orders and since it is 2 weeks away, I have stopped my progesterone, and my Spiro and then lower my estrogen dose to below [what it was]*.  So I am getting ready.

 

I noticed that today when all I did was my estrogen injection that the estrogen has made me super -excited- like a teenage girl and when I tried to self pleasure, that it felt good and yet it still did not relive alot of this -excited- feeling.

 

 

 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Susan R
*Dose mentioned

[Jackie C.]

Aww man! You just get to LOWER your dose. I've got to go cold turkey. The hot flashes start at about two weeks. They're awful. ?

 

Hey! I also have to go off for a whole six weeks!!! I am so jealous!

 

Also happy for you sweetie. Jealous, but happy for you.

 

Hugs!

[Aurora]

4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Aww man! You just get to LOWER your dose. I've got to go cold turkey. The hot flashes start at about two weeks. They're awful. ?

 

Hey! I also have to go off for a whole six weeks!!! I am so jealous!

 

Also happy for you sweetie. Jealous, but happy for you.

 

Hugs!

Thanks.  I am following Dr. Crane's orders.

[Susan R]

This is interesting, @Aurora. I was originally told I was going to be off all HRT meds 3 weeks prior and 3 weeks after my GRS. During my next day followup my surgeon said I could go on patches immediately after surgery which is what I did. Because I had to go without patches for the first 3 weeks, I experienced an extreme hot flash less than 24 hours after putting on the E patches. In fact, I nearly passed out. But it was smooth sailing after that. I felt so much better overall.

 

I think some surgeons are seeing that the benefits from a low dose E are better than going cold turkey especially after surgery. 

[Aurora]

5 hours ago, Susan R said:

This is interesting, @Aurora. I was originally told I was going to be off all HRT meds 3 weeks prior and 3 weeks after my GRS. During my next day followup my surgeon said I could go on patches immediately after surgery which is what I did. Because I had to go without patches for the first 3 weeks, I experienced an extreme hot flash less than 24 hours after putting on the E patches. In fact, I nearly passed out. But it was smooth sailing after that. I felt so much better overall.

 

I think some surgeons are seeing that the benefits from a low dose E are better than going cold turkey especially after surgery. 

Dr. Crane and Dr. Satterwhite allow to stay on estrogen clear up to surgery but just need to lower the E**.  They wants to be fully off progesterone for 2 weeks prior and then can go back on progesterone.  So that way we are still safe for surgery but it does not throw us into hot flash

 

 

 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Susan R
**Dose mentioned [You may not share the dose of any medication you are taking, including hormones.]

[Jackie C.]

I imagine it comes down to the surgeon. I'm four weeks before and two after, but my endo was telling me about a study where they're trying to decide if coming off HRT is even necessary. I guess it goes to show that there are less studies about trans-health issues than you'd like.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I guess it goes to show that there are less studies about trans-health issues than you'd like.

Hopefully this will improve.

[Aurora]

 

First off, I am so happy and excited that I got my vaginoplasty surgery.  I would not go back and I have no regrets.

The only issue that I am having with is the fact that my mom is not emotionally supportive and there for me.  My mom came with me to Austin TX and was physically there.  But I don't think she was emotionally there.  I don't think my mom realize how important this is for me.  My mom after a little over 3 years still uses masculine pronouns.  My mom did not want to come into the doctor office with me when I had my packing removed and the big unveiling.  I just don't know what to think

 

[Heather Shay]

This has to way on you but reading and watching some of Dr. Z videos ( she is a clinical psychologist specializing in transgender care) she talks about parents and spouses and friends who say they support then reality sets in but over time they go through their own grieving process and their own transition. Just the fact that she was there with you is amazing and is acceptance and believe. She will accept fully her daughter as her daughter blossoms.

I hope the unpacking went well and you were able to pee without any difficulty. 

YOU have done something amazing. Now relax and enjoy.

Hugs

Heather (Shay)

[Mmindy]

Good morning Aurora,

 

I hope you slept well and have a great day.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Aurora]

Needing someone to talk to.  I am really hating my height.  I am a 6ft tall woman and I am feeling really insecure about my height.  Even growing up, I have felt insecure of my height.  I wish that I was shorter.  I really wish that I am like 5'8 or 5'9.  Being 6ft is just too tall and I am hating how tall I am

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Needing someone to talk to.  I am really hating my height.  I am a 6ft tall woman and I am feeling really insecure about my height.  Even growing up, I have felt insecure of my height.  I wish that I was shorter.  I really wish that I am like 5'8 or 5'9.  Being 6ft is just too tall and I am hating how tall I am

 

I completely feel you. There are days when I would HAPPILY trade a foot of height for just about anything.

 

When I feel that way, I remind myself that there are cis-women even taller than I am. One of them goes to my gym. I adore her based entirely on the fact that she's got about an inch on me. Similarly another cis-woman and I bonded over having size 13 feet. Women come in all shapes and sizes and we're all beautiful.

 

Hugs!

[Davie]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

I completely feel you. There are days when I would HAPPILY trade a foot of height for just about anything.

 

When I feel that way, I remind myself that there are cis-women even taller than I am. One of them goes to my gym. I adore her based entirely on the fact that she's got about an inch on me. Similarly another cis-woman and I bonded over having size 13 feet. Women come in all shapes and sizes and we're all beautiful.

 

Hugs!

Tall women are so beautiful!

[Heather Shay]

@Aurora growing up I had a goal of being 6 foot and put it on my documents. Never quite reached it but am 5-10 -1/2. Actually being an old person (68 almost 69) I've shrunk to about 5-10 so you will get a little littler but today I see more and more tall women and I think they are as @Davie says..... Beautiful. Height is not as important as now being complete and that is a treasure to be treasured.

[Aurora]

So I have proved and figured out why I have such a hard time meeting people and hoping to go out on a date for the first time. My issue has been my working hours. Since I work backwards hours being on 3rd shift, it has been hurting me. Right now I am on disability from my surgery and I went out last night on Monday to go support my friend and her sign at my favorite bar and I was hit on by 2 girls. both girls had no idea that I was Trans. They thought that I was a cis woman. so I got a taste on what it felt like to go out with having normal hours thanks to my disability right now. It was a total confidence booster all the way. On top of going out last night with having normal hours, I weighed myself and noticed that I have been losing weight as well now that my hours are also normal. So this is proving that working 3rd shift has been hurting me socially, mentally, and physically. I now need to start looking for another job to get off 3rd shift cause where I am at now, there is no way to get off 3rd shift and also there is no career growth. Time to look for another job

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

I now need to start looking for another job to get off 3rd shift cause where I am at now, there is no way to get off 3rd shift and also there is no career growth. Time to look for another job

Sounds like a plan.

 I worked swing shifts one time.  Didn't like it.

[Heather Shay]

That is so re-assuring to be hit on as a CIS woman - God that must be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO affirming. Congratulations. The good thing about looking for a new job is - it's a lot easier when you already have a job and the opportunity to shop the market. Good luck and I'm so happy you are doing so incredibly well. I pray for the day I have surgery and shucks I pray for the day of being mistaken even as a trans woman let alone CIS woman.