Mental Health

[Aurora]

Just feeling really bad and hating myself.  Just hating how it's been almost 3 years on hormones and I just don't pass.  I feel like that my body is just rejecting the hormones.  I have no way to pay for the surgeries to help me feel better.  I so need FFS, but my insurance does NOT cover, so it's all out of pocket.  I just look so androunious and do not look like my gender.  Almost 3 years on hormones and I still look the same.  I just feel like that I should go be a troll and go hide.  I hate myself.

[Dana Michelle]

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could help. I've been on hormones for 2 1/2 years and still don't pass. My insurance covers FFS, but I need to lose weight first, and it's also been postponed because of the pandemic. I'll eventually have FFS, but I will have to spend a long time waiting.

[Mmindy]

@AuroraI'm not sure if you're using a Face App for your AVI or not.  You look great in it, but that's neither here or there. It's normal for us as humans to no feel uncomfortable with our appearances, we are our own worst critic. Don't compare your progress with others on the internet. No mater how you look, feel or present. You are worthy of the love and appreciation of others. I'll be 64 years old this Sunday and just pushed the doors of my closet open, coming out to my wife. In a fit of rage she outed me to our grown children and their spouses. I've be in counseling since March, and don't know when I'll be able to start HRT. I'm sure that others with real life experience on HRT will be here soon with input on questions you may want to take up with your Doctors.

 

Your feelings are valid and life is full of ups and downs. I hope you'll see your way through this down time soon.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Jackie C.]

Oh sweetie, sometimes it can be hard to see... I mean really, really hard to see... the positive changes and gains we've made with our own eyes. @Mmindy is right, we're our own worst critics. So with that in mind look, I mean really look, at some of the women around you. They're all shapes and sizes aren't they. Some have features that our culture calls "feminine" some don't. Cultural standards of beauty are constructs of the culture you happen to be living in. What's "in" here doesn't fly in, say, Greece. Not everybody is even attracted to their own culture's ideal. Appearance is the last thing you should get hung up on.

 

I've come to realize that "passing" is more a matter of confidence and presentation. There are little cues you can work on, like how you walk and talk, that are more clearly read than anything a surgeon could do to your face. You need to accept yourself as the woman you are before other people can begin to see the real you.

 

Self love is the hardest lesson we have to learn as trans-people, but it's also the most important. You're beautiful. All women are.

 

Hugs!

[DonkeySocks]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

So with that in mind look, I mean really look, at some of the women around you. They're all shapes and sizes aren't they. Some have features that our culture calls "feminine" some don't. Cultural standards of beauty are constructs of the culture you happen to be living in.

Yes, this bears repeating so I quoted it! Do a little people-watching sometimes, look people in the face when you speak to them, and notice what they look like, not to judge, just for awareness.

[Susan R]

Hi @Aurora. All of the advice here is spot on. I just want to add something that I found to be difficult especially during my first year of transition. We tend to have a built-in bias when we see our self image. Our minds immediately see the similarities of our old self and our new self. It’s a natural tendency our brains use which help us recognize people in a crowd as people we know. Unfortunately, our minds tend to use it when we are analyzing ourselves to see our own transitional changes.

 

I had a very difficult time not seeing part of my old male face when looking in a mirror. I still see the old me but realize as others here have mentioned, women in general have a potpourri of typically masculine and feminine characteristics. Others seeing you for the very first time have not seen your male persona and likely don’t see you the same way YOU see you.

 

An example I experienced was at one of my first PFLAG meetings about 4 months into my transition. I wasn’t presenting completely female at the time... my hair was getting pretty long but I still had a very androgynous wardrobe in public. As they were just starting the meeting, I had to use the men’s room. I was facing the urinal and when I turned around and there was a mirror unexpectedly staring at me. I stopped immediately in my tracks because for a split second or two, I saw a woman in the reflection where my mind had expected to see my male self. As my brain looked for features and cues, I began to see my old self again. It was the first time I thought to myself, “Hey these hormones are really working.” I think when we are aware we are about to see ourself in a mirror, the mind preconceives what it is about to see. In this one example, it was a rare moment when the expectation was not present.

 

My children still see me as Dad regardless of how I present. Until 2018, They only knew me as Dad so that is all they see...even today. I hope this will change but I realize it will take years. However, I have a two new neighbors who had never met me as my pretransitioned male persona, and have told me independently at different times that they can’t picture me as a guy. They’ve since seen pictures of my old male self and one of the two said it looks like that ‘guy’ might be my brother. My point is—you probably pass much better than you perceive. Maybe not every single time but you can likely get to a point where it’s enough to carry you through the day without thinking or stressing about it.

 

As @Jackie C. stated, "passing" is more a matter of confidence and presentation. And realizing that you and many trans individuals have a biased visual perception about themselves might help a tiny bit when you’re out there wondering if others perceive you as female.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[JoniSteph]

@Aurora I can not disagree with any thing that has been mentioned before. I can add a voice of experience that has helped me greatly.

Since I have been working with my new therapist (phycologist) for the past 4 months, she has helped me over come a lot of things that were holding me back in my transitioning mentally and socially.

I gained enough confidence to at least try things and see if they failed as I feared or I got a partial success. I got to places that my anxiety would never allow me to go before in my male persona. Then I got to try the same thing with female jeans and plain T-shirt.

The more often that I tried to do these things the more my confidence raised and the more adventuresome I got and was willing to raise the bar to do different things.

Just this past weekend - I applied my makeup, my wigs, fully dressed - nice top and midi skirt, and decent shoes - then I took myself to a Pharmacy that I frequent once a week. Picked up a prescription, some makeup items I needed, and got some others items that I needed. I talked to people who know me in my male self. They did recognize me and said they were impressed and I looked good. 

I took all this as a WIN WIN for a 71 year old.

My therapist was impressed with my incentive. So the take away from this @Aurora - I would suggest is not to be put off by what your male self pictures, but to work on what you do want to be and work towards it. Every step forward is a WIN for you. Love and respect to you. ??

 

Big Canadian Hugs

JoniSteph

 

[TommieAnne]

13 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Yes, this bears repeating so I quoted it! Do a little people-watching sometimes, look people in the face when you speak to them, and notice what they look like, not to judge, just for awareness.

That was something my therapist recommended to me: to observe other women and learn. To see different types of people. To judge less and accept more.

I can relate to having feelings of disliking our bodies.

Although for the moment I'm flushed with the excitement of my first 2 weeks on HRT.

Hugs!

TA

[Aurora]

Thank You.  I wanted to share a before hormones and during hormones pictures.  I have been on hormones since January 2018.  So it has almost been 3 years on hormones.  I feel like that I have not changed at all and it is really getting me down.

 

My during pictures is the recent picture with no filter or makeup on.

[Mmindy]

Thank you @Aurorafor sharing these pictures. I see a difference and see it as a real world possibility for my transition. Do you normally wear daily makeup? I look back at my mother's pictures when she was my age, and think... Well maybe my clothing style will change how I'm perceived.

 

Keep thinking about the positives, and work to present as feminine as you feel.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[VickySGV]

Actually you look a bit like another AZ girl I know who has come along great.  You will be there in time.  That said, this is a link to a post I made here a few years ago that I think will give you some reassurance, and since you posted a picture, it is on the mark:  Please read it since my longer experience of being out (I don't care if I pass now) keeps verifying this almost daily.   Topic title is Public Vs. Picture

 

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/43991-public-vs-picture/

 

 

[Aurora]

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Thank you @Aurorafor sharing these pictures. I see a difference and see it as a real world possibility for my transition. Do you normally wear daily makeup? I look back at my mother's pictures when she was my age, and think... Well maybe my clothing style will change how I'm perceived.

 

Keep thinking about the positives, and work to present as feminine as you feel.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

I used to wear makeup daily.  But with the pandemic.  I don't wear it too much.  But I do love how makeup makes me feel.