Evolution

[Astrid]

The questioning grew, and dominated me.
Dominated me until
I could not ignore it.
So I read, experimented, always in secret,
Followed by purging, guilt, and anger.

 

 

The anger grew, and dominated me.
Dominated me until
I could not ignore it.
This angry person was not who I was,
Not who I wanted to be.
So I read more, experimented more, always in secret,
Followed by purging, guilt and -- desire.

 

 

The desire grew, and dominated me.
Dominated me until
I could not ignore it.
A plan began to form.  
I discovered that I was not alone,
That there were others, many others, 
Just. Like. Me.
So I read more, took a deep breath,
And in slow motion (read: over may years)
Turned my plan into action.
I came out -- came out proud that 
I am non-binary.

 

 

Coming out as non-binary grew, and dominated me.
Dominated me to
Take all the steps I needed.
Working for trans rights, 
Finding role models.
Therapy and HRT.
So I read more, worked with my doctor
To find an estradiol dose that's
Right for me.
And it's been working for me,
For eleven months now.
I've grown small breasts that both fascinate and comfort me.
My body is reshaping itself.
My femininity is asserting itself,
And I am feeling so much better for it.

 

 

Feeling better has grown, and I continue to nourish it.
With reading, introspections, and thought.
I am that curious creature -- a non-binary person.
I am not traveling to reach the known destination of Passing.
I am journeying to become sufficiently different, not entirely different.
I am reaching a proudly different gender identity that passes my most important reason for my journey --
I am a far happier person for doing what I have done.

[Charlize]

You have described the journey so many of us take so well.  The destination may vary but much of the journey is the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

That's beautiful @Astrid❣️

[YasminSalaam]

Beautiful, relatable, lovable ❣️

[CallMeKeira]

Well put.

[Guest]

Thanks for sharing your poem! I can certainly relate to the purging, the guilt, & the desire as well as to the anger. I'm glad you have been able to find your way to the happier person you now are. ☺️