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helpline not help


Maddee

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Ive tried calling the helplines three times this year without ever having a conversation.  When I call the suicide line, either they cannot, or will not, hear me (hello...hello?...)  Or they won't talk with me without recording my conversation.   Obviously the AI is monitoring everything can and will be used against you   I cannot share what is going on while being recorded, anymore than I can in words permanently stamped in the databases on online forums.  So I will not talk about it here.  Because this forum will ban me if I do.

 

I cannot watch another generation of people come to forums, find their way, and get cleared...and surgeried, while I am still here unable to get anywhere.   all I do is for naught.

 

Got honest about asking for help for gender isssues in 1989.  Finally diagnosed 1999.  Every counselor, hair removal and surgery clinic I make it into is a waste of another two years and do nothing but damage to me.   Why am I still stuck like this?

 

It is bad and there is no one in my life.   I will not type it out or discuss it while being recorded.   Because I won't permit the murder of me.  Help

 

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@Ms Maddie believe me you ARE LOVED and you ARE SPECIAL. I am thankful for our friendship and you have helped me survive these trials each of us has. I am a long long way from surgeries and feel so often I will not it but because of ladies like you I am given the strength to keep going. You are a vital member of my team and our team. Hang in there please. You are important to me and so many on this forum.

Heather Shay

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Ms Maddie,

I can hear frustration. All I can tell you is how I try to cope with feelings of hopelessness. 

 

At times when I feel like my situation is utterly hopeless, I try to focus on the fact that I don't know what the future holds. It can easily feel like nothing good could possibly be in the future, like it can only be as bad or worse than it feels now. But I don't know that. So often I have found that when things feel really calamitous, it really can be darkest before the dawn. When I'm sitting there in tears wanting to just give up, I say NO, I won't give up! I live another day. I give the future a chance to happen. Sometimes I end up finding ways to cope with things as they are. Sometimes seemingly miraculous things have happened. None of which could have happened if I had given up.

 

I've come to realise that there is always hope, even when hope feels like it's fled light years away from me.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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  • Forum Moderator

Hang in there Maddie, survival first. Social isolation is a thing with this pandemic going on, you have us and your friends on the Internet, use it to your benefit. You can always PM me Maddie if you don't want words out in the open. Think long term, past this mess we are all in, you have to survive it. 


Take care of your self, be kind to yourself. 

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi

 

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  • Forum Moderator

I am sorry you have not found the support you need.  I have felt terribly depressed as well.  My gender issues were certainly a part of that depression.  Life has thrown a great deal of pain at me including the loss of a child and severe illness for both my wife and myself.  We get through each day, one at a time.  I did get help.  I talked to my doctor and took an antidepressant.  Addiction to alcohol led me to a program of recovery that stressed honesty and openness.  Coming here and opening to this group, just as you have done, was important to my self acceptance and growth.

Keep opening up.  As Cyndi mentioned you can PM any of us if you feel awkward in open forums.  We are here to help each other.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes thank you I need to reach out and say something that doesn't make everyone close their windows.  I'm here

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Hello Ms Maddie: Thank you for sharing your concerns. We don't know one another. But as a person who has had personal experience, both with passive suicidal thoughts as well as with actual suicide attempts, I wanted to simply reach out and offer my support and best wishes.  Please take care... 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I would only like to echo  the above  Overalls  Bears statemnt  im only a Pm away and if you check my profile you`l see im still a (involuntary ) Pre op (and will most likely  die one as well)  .  And i have been suicidal most of my life (a few years ago i got  upgraded to severely suicidal + a few other upgrades  as well  due to some BS  going on in my life  )  So belive me when i say i understand. and above all TRUST me when i say  taking this final step is  is NOT  have not ever   will not ever  be the right step to take . 

 

Youre NOT alone   so please DONT  repeat  DONT  take this  drastic  step      

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Thanks.  I'll try.  I do not trust PMs because people report you for what you day in them.  I'm a useless stupid coward -expletive- or id be long gone

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2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

Thanks.  I'll try.  I do not trust PMs because people report you for what you day in them.  I'm a useless stupid coward -expletive- or id be long gone

 

I can understand that  so we can continue out here as well of course   if you feel better  about that.   First   again take a look at my sig  and profile  THEN  understand  me when i say  youre NOT  either  Useless or  stupid i am ( i have papers to prove this  (Mild  Intellectual disability among  a gazillion other NP diagnosis )  and yet im still  here  😉   and  youre most  definetly NOT either coward   or anything else  as youre again still here .

 

Im right here   ready to listen (read  )   so again youre still NOT alone              

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I am in control of myself and my life.  I am a positive person.

I have love for myself and others and am healthy to be around.

Blessings everywhere.

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Is there no one in your life that you can try to discuss your feelings with in person? I'm sure that would be frightening but, it sounds like the only way you will feel like no one is documenting your feelings, in order to use them against you. I hope you get some way to feel trust with opening up. Either way I hope things continue to feel better.

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3 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

I am in control of myself and my life.  I am a positive person.

I have love for myself and others and am healthy to be around.

Blessings everywhere.

 

 

Thats great   never claimed you dident  tho

 

Still  we all have our bad  times (i certainly do constantly ) and thats when we need to try to   dare to  let others  that  you feel you can trust know and give them a chance in trying to help you feel better. Incl what we do here   . its  a well known tactic  that the  payed pro`s    use  called venting. In doing this  you are able to get out  what needs to get out  and  you normally feel better.            

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My counselors drop me.  They get tired of me because they cannot help and I'm just a Medicaid client.  There is no one in my "real life" near me. Since I changed my name and legalities, my new friends are now a handful of married cis women from a mental health clubhouse in my current county.  My conversations with them consist of me listening to them complain about their husbands  or their struggles losing weight, and their bowel movements omg.

 

However, I am fortunate to have a long time friend out of state who has become a licensed master's degree therapist later in life.  She knows my history and cares about me.  We don't talk often, but when we do, she gives me lots of her valuable time.   But in the past she called the police to my old address, more than once, out of concern due to things I share with her.  Since this leads to loss of freedom and forced (more like coerced) psych meds at the county, I have to be careful to edit every single thing I share with her and other counselors.  I will not share on this forum not even in "private" messages.  Thank you for offering.

 

I am positive

I am in control of my life

I am smiling beneath my mask.

I swear I am.

Here are my hands.

Please don't shoot.

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2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

My counselors drop me.  They get tired of me because they cannot help and I'm just a Medicaid client.  There is no one in my "real life" near me. Since I changed my name and legalities, my new friends are now a handful of married cis women from a mental health clubhouse in my current county.  My conversations with them consist of me listening to them complain about their husbands  or their struggles losing weight, and their bowel movements omg.

 

However, I am fortunate to have a long time friend out of state who has become a licensed master's degree therapist later in life.  She knows my history and cares about me.  We don't talk often, but when we do, she gives me lots of her valuable time.   But in the past she called the police to my old address, more than once, out of concern due to things I share with her.  Since this leads to loss of freedom and forced (more like coerced) psych meds at the county, I have to be careful to edit every single thing I share with her and other counselors.  I will not share on this forum not even in "private" messages.  Thank you for offering.

 

I am positive

I am in control of my life

I am smiling beneath my mask.

I swear I am.

Here are my hands.

Please don't shoot.

 

Then they arent  worth diddly in my eyes  and youre better of  without them .  Nothing wrong  with that  ive been dealing  with shrinks  /docs /you name it  i have dealt  with them all  most of my life.  Got my first  diagnose  at  4. Last  one  when i got  evaluated  for TS. so belive me   i dont judge  nor  am i ashamed  of any of my diagnosis  . i dident choose to be born with them and il be darn if i would be ashamed  of them either. I can count  my reel friends   on my fingers  and  of them ALL  are on line  or  by phone  so again  i understand. 

 

First of all  i understand  and respect  that my friend.  And  further more if i were to reveal to you  all i have  had  going  on  you would  probaly do the same to me as youre friend  have to you.

 

And you`d be amazed  how many horrible   things i have been  told  in Pms and  still i havent yet  been  scared away.                  

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Ok.

Thank you.

Still not ready to send horrible things in PMs to anyone.  But you are offering me life by sharing yours.

Let's cry now 😭

It's not pretty but it's beauty

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1 hour ago, Ms Maddie said:

Ok.

Thank you.

Still not ready to send horrible things in PMs to anyone.  But you are offering me life by sharing yours.

Let's cry now 😭

It's not pretty but it's beauty

 

Youre very welkome dear  

 

Thats  okey we can still talk  and im still here  as you can see  (HUG ) 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm still here too 

 

No Manchu.

No candy.

No dates.

 

Yes to lfe.

Yes to love.

Yes to me 

 

Following my good first impressions.

Learning from my bad ones and strong enough not to chase them.

 

Live and love this form I am.

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  • Forum Moderator
8 hours ago, Maddee said:

Following my good first impressions.

Learning from my bad ones and strong enough not to chase them.

 

Maddee this is good to read.  Stay true to yourself.  You are a beautiful woman and you know it.

 

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