Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Internalized Transphobia (TW)


Drake

Recommended Posts

(Transphobia trigger warning) Heavy topic today, but how did you guys cope with internalized transphobia (if you ever experienced it?) I grew up in an environment where trans people were sort of a joke. ("Caitlyn Jenner's not a woman. I wouldn't be a turtle just because I say I'm a turtle." - Quote my dad) Anyways, I'm trying to get out of that environment, but I struggle with a lot of transphobia towards myself and other people. I've looked at trans people before like they were "wannabes." (I know it's inflammatory. The rhetoric is ingrained in my psyche, though.) It's funny how I'm out to close friends and go by my chosen name and pronouns with them. I even have a girlfriend and easily fall into the my stereotypical chosen gender role with her, yet I still have lots of doubts and intrusive thoughts. Every day I wake up and try to convince myself that I'm not just playing pretend or dress up. I honestly don't wanna be that jerk person. It just affects me and my thoughts towards other people as well. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Oh, don't fall into the stereotypical gender role. Stereotypical dudes are just the worst. At least from the perspective of a very gay trans-woman. ?

 

Also, hey @Drake! (I can't believe nobody took that already, cool name.) Welcome to Transpulse!

 

So yeah. Greetings from being raised in the Midwest in 70's. We're like the deep south, but scale it back about 20%.

 

It's easy to doubt yourself really. I think it's pretty common. I remember growing up and telling myself, "You like women, you must be a guy" even while I struggled with presenting myself as a guy and using my plastic doll smile while I suffered through "guy talk." It took forever for me to accept why I didn't fit in and why I was miserable.

 

So how did I put it behind me. When my egg cracked I was DONE pretending. Period. I told myself not one more day and I embraced it. I've had people tell me, "You can't be trans because you're chivalrous." There's been other nonsense, but that one sticks out. "You can't be a woman if you look out for other women," I think says more about the speaker than it does about me, yeah? I've had people tell me that I can't be trans because I wasn't girly enough as a child. "They would have seen signs!" Like the earth was supposed to open up, a black goat emerges and spits out a golden tablet that says, "Guess what? It's a girl!"

 

Before I go on a rant. The secret is loving and accepting yourself. I fought being who I actually am for... oh hey, exactly twice long as you are old before I just couldn't take it anymore. The struggle nearly killed me. If I hadn't gotten to know Jackie, we'd only be able to talk with a Ouija board if you get my meaning. It turns out that she's pretty cool. I'm much happier being me than that other guy.

 

The bottom line is that you need to be you. Forcing yourself to put on a mask to go about your day is super harmful. You may lose friends and family members, but the new ones you find along the way are probably better because they love you for you.

 

So again, welcome to the party. Lovely to meet you. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Lol stereotypical cismen can be some of the worst peopIe out there. ? I haven't gotten too far into it. My girlfriend still puts makeup on me sometimes. I still try to be fun and never get too far stuck up my ass. It's funny you should mention the Deep South, because I happen to live in the actual setting of Forrest Gump (rural Alabama.)

I'm really having to mentally prepare myself for losing some important relationships, but I think I'll be okay. I'm working two jobs now and moving out has come into the picture. Whew!

Anyway, that was really helpful. There seriously are a million tiny little doubts plaguing me. Maybe Satan will eventually give me his blessing lol.

Anyways, it's good to be on board.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Dudes can totally wear makeup. "Guyliner" is a thing. No shame in looking your best.

 

Honestly, I grew up in a super-conservative monied community (we had one African American in my graduating class. He was adopted). Now I live closer to Detroit and things are a lot more cosmopolitan. That said, I can drive for an hour and hit places where the job prospects are Walmart, welfare and cooking meth. Things there are all "God, -something- and guns!" (I can never remember what the middle thing is. It's probably horrible.) I can drive for a half hour in a different direction and find gay and trans enclaves. I can say where I live now, most people I interact with know that I'm trans. Nobody cares and I'm fine with that.

 

You never know about those relationships. My parents reacted in exactly the opposite way that I'd have expected. Rose colored glasses when I actually sat down and thought about it. For example; nobody who is OK with the LGBT+ community would say, "You smell like a fairy!" or, you know, refer to a homosexual male as a fairy in the first place. Still, moving out before you let the parents know is safer. Especially if you suspect one of them may turn violent.

 

I'm glad I could be helpful. That's what we strive for here and I'm kind of having a day so kind words are much appreciated. ?

 

Blessings of the Spider Goddess upon you. She smells better than Satan. ? Also people look at you funny when you bring up deities you invented yourself. Letting them figure out if you're serious Great fun.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Hi Drake, for me my internalised transphobia was the sort that let me be supportive of everyone else, and see that they were much happier after coming to terms with their gender but I just could not apply the same rule to myself.

Part of my questioning process has revolved around the acknowledging that the me pretending to be a normal cis man is pretending and wearing a costume but also questioning my need to alter my voice resonance and wear a wig to interact in public without being stared out, I didn't want to swap one mask for another.

It has taken a combination of time, counselling and conversations with folks here for me to only recently get to a point where I know I am convinced that moving forwards is the right path for me. I don't need clothes to be DeeDee here, I am how I type, that is very real.

The bigoted rhetoric was never one I believed and actually has zero basis in either biology or biblical understanding if you research into it (I had to)

If the pronouns and interaction with your friends and girlfriends feel right and not like a stage play than keep on going; you must be doing something right. John Wayne, Bruce Willis, Chris Hemsworth and the Rock all wear/wore makeup all the time. I doubt anyone would call them a derogatory name to their face.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

I still have a bit of internalised transphobia within me as well as internalised homophobia. I don't accept myself as a real homosexual male because I didn't have a cisgender experience and because there are gay guys who aren't attracted to FtM at all. Some aren't kind about it and this triggered dysphoria for me.

 

I once made a comment without thinking and got called homophobic which deeply scarred me, too, because I don't want to be prejudiced towards anyone, and it would be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.

 

I am a trans man who also grew up in a conservative environment, and I grew up hearing transphobic jokes. I even laughed at them.

My family, even after I came out of the closet, doesn't accept me very well and mocks me, so there are times where I hate being transgender.

I'm not a stereotypical FtM either since I don't want to present overly masculine. I also like makeup.

I feel out of place in the FtM community. Most of the trans guys I know identified as lesbians before they figured out their gender identity. I seem to have almost nothing in common with them, which doesn't help the feelings of isolation and alienation.

 

I tried getting back to living as a woman but it didn't work out - I was only trying to fool myself.

I had an epiphany that I really am a man no matter if I transitioned or not. And I'll have to accept my trans body.

 

It took me a while for me to get comfortable with male pronouns. Before I came out, when I presented as male online, I feared being "found out as a girl" and called out as an impostor.

 

But now I've relaxed. The only issue I have is that I don't pass very well yet so I have to make an effort to look more masculine. After my transition, I won't care too much.

 

It's better to live as ourselves than pretend to be something we are not.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
6 hours ago, Ethereal said:

I once made a comment without thinking and got called homophobic which deeply scarred me, too, because I don't want to be prejudiced towards anyone, and it would be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.

 

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this. We've all said things we regret. Especially while we're trying to fit in with the crowd or hide our true selves from others. You realize you did something wrong, feel remorse and you won't do it again. That's the best you can really do.

 

I wouldn't worry about your presentation too much either. I saw in another post that you started just last October. T is powerful stuff. By October 2021 people won't be able to tell you from a cis-man so long as you're wearing pants and a binder.

 

Well, a young cis-man anyway. I hear a lot of complaints about FtMs being identified as much younger than they actually are.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Internalized transphobia turned out to be THE sticking point for my entire life. The worst part is that I did not believe or realize that I was transphobic. That you know you are is a huge step in the right direction because you can see where and how it manifests itself in you, and adjust accordingly. For me it echoes of DeeDee's problem with going from one mask to another, it held me back for a disturbingly long time... BUT! Then, also like other posters, I came to realize that I AM already female. Always have been. I am not "waiting" for something, I simply AM something already.

This allowed me to understand where my transphobia was coming from: I was "weird," or something, but it coldn't be real (?), Then when the realization hits... wow! I am not at all weird, and it is real, I am very very real!

So be patient with yourself, you will get where you need, in the meantime allow forgiveness to yourself for being judgemental or harsh or feeling mean. (That is when you want to hit the gym!).

Also note: Sometimes our internalized transphobia will lessen, and we suddenly seem to accept ourselves, only to spin back into doubt and frustration. This cycle is well... not super great... But one day one of those shifts becomes seismic and you will know that there is no egg, no closet left to go back to, and the internalized transphobia dies on that day.

Good luck!

S

Link to comment

 

"...

It's better to live as ourselves than pretend to be something we are not."

 

Ethereal, This is so true! For so long I denied, pushed down my feminine feelings. Even buying into the insanity that I was evil & sinful. I was created just the way I am & today I'm happy with my femme, even ecstatic at times. Where & how far the journey will go, who knows. Delcina's story is still being scripted.

 

(I just realized this post has been here for a bit. I guess it goes to show sometimes leftovers still taste good & sometimes better.)

 

Hugs!

Delcina

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 139 Guests (See full list)

    • Mmindy
    • MaeBe
    • Charlize
    • Piper
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...