Hello from Sam

[sleepysam]

Hello there! My name is Sam. I'm 37, a writer, an advocate, and an introverted extrovert.

 

My story isn't so unique, but it is mine. I grew up in a conservative town, in a conservative family, feeling lost in my own body and mind. When I was a young adult, I never felt more right than I did when writing from a guy's point of view. I thought I just hated women, which was not actually the case. I just didn't fully understand what that meant or who I was until very recent years.

 

I'm still dealing with imposter syndrome and doubt, wondering if this is just me looking for happiness in another gender, or attention, or do I just want to have one more thing to work on in my life. It's scary and it keeps me up at night, especially when there's not much of a support network in my area. I feel like I'm shouting into the void and only hearing echoes from the articles and books I read, or media I ingest.

 

My hope is to untangle some stuff in my own brain by listening and sharing with this group. I believe I am male, but I don't know what that looks like or how to proceed, or if this is even real at all sometimes. 

 

A lot of honesty for a start post, but this is me! Nice to see you all. Looking forward to getting to know you. 

 

Thanks for reading ?

[Ivy]

Welcome Sam

This is a good place.

 I know you will find others like you here.  It's good to see that your"re not alone.

[Mmindy]

Hey there Sam,

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums, you are not alone in these feelings. There are kind people of all walks of life here and most of all they are KIND. Listening to your needed vents, and questions.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy???

[TTheta]

Hey Sam welcome to the forum!

 

I can relate to the conservative hometown and family. When I heard about being trans, everything clicked into place and I started to feel whole. 

 

I can offer my love and support :DDD

 

It's always nice to have new members, make yourself comfortable, it's really nice here :)) 

 

Oh and I am Aidan, nice to meet you :DD

[Gabriel]

Hello Sam, welcome!

 

3 hours ago, sleepysam said:

I'm still dealing with imposter syndrome and doubt, wondering if this is just me looking for happiness in another gender, or attention, or do I just want to have one more thing to work on in my life

 

Sounds familiar lol. Yes, self-doubt based on conditioning and generously sprinkled with fear. Not easy to deal with. For me, working with a gender therapist was the way to clear the mess. Not that is completely gone away, but enough to find my way forward and dilute the permanent anxiety. Learning from the amazing people in this forum has helped so much too.

 

Share away, I look forward to hearing more about you. 

Gabriel

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi @sleepysam  nice to meet you. 

[DonkeySocks]

7 hours ago, sleepysam said:

I'm still dealing with imposter syndrome

 

Welcome, Sam!

I've known I'm trans male for a long time, yet just today I had an attack of impostor syndrome during a discussion about dysphoria. I read somewhere, can't recall whether it was this forum or not, that "There is no such thing as fake trans."

 

Similar to what you said, I worried for a long time that I was sexist against women, or at least woman characters. Luckily one time I brought it up to my husband and he just laughed at me, which was the best possible response. It was the kind of laugh that tells you that there's no way what you just said is true, when viewed by someone who knows you.

 

7 hours ago, sleepysam said:

wondering if this is just me looking for happiness in another gender, or attention, or do I just want to have one more thing to work on in my life.

 

Say that it turns out to be one of those things, or more than one of them. You wouldn't be committing a crime against transness. Human beings need attention and work to do. If this is how you seek these things then what's wrong with that? You're not taking anything from anyone. (Okay, that last bit might be a little flip, since some people feel grief when a person turns out to be other than the gender they assumed that person was. But let's put it that you're not taking anything from anyone that actually belongs to them in the first place.)

 

Hope you enjoy it here!

 

[Heather Nicole]

Welcome, Sam!

 

We're very close in age (I'm 38) and while I grew up and still live in a very politically mixed area, that does still mean there's always been a lot of conservatism around my area. And like you, and many of us here, I've also been dealing with a lot of self-doubt and impostor syndrome...So it's good to meet you!

 

12 hours ago, sleepysam said:

I thought I just hated women, which was not actually the case. I just didn't fully understand what that meant or who I was until very recent years.

 

I actually find it very interesting that you say this. As a gender-questioning AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth), for me, Instead of assuming I hated women, I always assumed I just simply liked women very, very much, and always hated machismo. But I've been starting to think there's more to it than that. That it's femininity in general that I love and being pigeonholed into masculine expectations that I dislike.

 

I realize that's an opposite polarity from your history, but I think it also shows a lot of similarity, too. The details and circumstances may be different, but the feelings are very much the same.

 

Glad to meet you, Sam, and welcome! You're among friends here!

[Susan R]

14 hours ago, sleepysam said:

I don't know what that looks like or how to proceed, or if this is even real at all sometimes. 

Welcome Sam, it’s a pleasure to meet you and have you with us to start your journey. Many, if not all of us, began with a similar statement as yours above. In time, I have no doubt that all of it will become clear to you with a little effect. Society has not been understanding and accepting of us so we’ve had to look for answers ourselves.  It may have been some self education, self motivation, and self acceptance that got you to where you are today. But the good news is that you are here and looking to get some of those questions answered. You’ll soon see you are not unlike many of us here and what you’re  feeling is valid and real. I wish you the best on your journey, whatever that will mean for you. I, and likely many others here, are looking forward to getting to know you better as well.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

@sleepysam you have found refuge and sanctuary. We are here for you and to be with you, unconditionally. We understand and can relate so ask and share your worries and joys. WELCOME.

[sleepysam]

Thanks so much to everyone for the warm welcomes, and comforting words! I look forward to getting to know you. ???

[Heather Shay]

Same here.

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hey @sleepysam! Glad to have you here! I can empathize with those thoughts myself, and our stories share similarities. I feel like I know and then I question myself as well at times. It seems to be perfectly normal for us. You will find the support you need here. Welcome to the group brother!