Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hi from down under!


Vivienne Claire

Recommended Posts

Vivienne Claire

Hi Everyone,

My new name is Vivienne and I am just beginning my transition.  I am starting late in the game at 60 years of age.

 

I apologize if the introduction below includes way too much detail.  I just found it very hard to summarize who I am and

how I came to be at this huge tipping point in my life so I thought what the heck so here it is:

 

I grew up in Perth Western Australia and still live here.  My story is very typical for a transgender woman of my generation.

I spent most of my life completely ignorant of the truth of what being transgender means.  Instead I was weighed down

with guilt and shame and was determined to make sure that my "problem" never saw the light of day.  I searched the

internet from time to time for a "cure" but avoided anything that encouraged transitioning.  I was convinced I was a

terrible person even though there wasn't a shred of evidence to support that conclusion.  I was driven to prove to

myself and everyone around me that I could be a good person.  I grew up in a working class environment where the

concept of going to university and seeking a professional career simply didn't exist.  At 20 years of age I quite literally

did not know what a university was for.  Years later I found myself going back and finishing high school and entering

university.  I was head hunted by two academics and talked into doing a PhD. I ended up teaching Computer Science

for 30 years.  In all that time I suffered horribly from Gender Dysphoria without realizing the cause.  I didn't know why
I felt humiliated and vulnerable every time I had to try on male clothes in a store.  Getting my hair cut in a barber shop was a

horrific experience for me to the point where I eventually could not make myself do it resorted to using a trimmer at home.

Looking in the mirror at my face was the worst.  Not understanding the cause I assumed it was because I was a terrible
person.  I mean why else did it hurt to look at myself in the mirror?  In my mid late 20's I met and fell in love with an amazing

woman.  I was convinced this would be the end of my "problem".  I still had no idea what I was dealing with.  Years of

suffering and the build up of completely unfounded guilt and shame took their toll.  As universities became corporatized, the

academic culture shifted from maintaining high standards to maximizing profit.  I found myself working in an environment

where you simply had to accept that you would win some battles and lose most of them.  Emotional survival as an academic

required a level of pragmatism and I was not able to be pragmatic.  More than ever I was driven by the need to prove my integrity

so I was incapable of compromising it.  Because of my integrity I was constantly asked to fix problems caused by others.

Finally this became too much and I hit the wall and had a complete breakdown and was no longer able to work.  I was told that

they replaced me with three academics as no single academic would take on all of my duties.

 

I was extremely fortunate to find a fantastic psychologist (I believe you would call her a therapist) however I kept  my transgender

secret from her for 4 years.  My wife was an extremely successful academic and  did not believe in therapy or psychology.  In her

mind I was simply weak.  To her credit she didn't resent me and she didn't abandon me but her love for me became much like the love

one might have for a crippled, blind, three legged pet dog.  The close and honest communication we had enjoyed in the past began

to break down as did any form of intimacy.

 

We had raised an exceptionally bright daughter who has just completed her medical degree.  However, when I had

my breakdown she was having a hard time in high school.  Apparently, during this time, my wife told my daughter

that she would have to fend for herself because my wife needed to look after me. My daughter developed a deep

and unrelenting resentment which was directed at me.  She holds me completely responsible for her negative high

school experiences and deeply resents me.

 

Along the way I developed crippling Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Some very good doctors scanned and probed me from

one end to the other.  Ultimately I was told my IBS was in the 5% of cases that cannot be explained and where the things

that normally help do not.  I spent days, weeks and months where I was in so much pain I could not move.  At the same

time I was also told my pain tolerance was unusually high.  Anyone who experiences chronic pain will tell you they reach

a point where death is welcome.  I feared the pain of dying and I dreaded the emotional impact on my wife and daughter

but I held no fear of death.  I wished for it every night when I tried to go to sleep.

 

Two things happened recently.  Firstly, after years of trying to restore my relationship with my wife, I realized it was never

going to happen.  The second thing was, in searching for a "cure", I stumbled upon a web site called the Gender bread person. 

From there I followed a link to a really excellent description of Gender, Gender Expression, Sexuality and Gender Dysphoria. 

Finally I began to realize the truth that there was nothing wrong with being transgender but there was everything wrong with

suppressing it and enduring the collateral damage caused by Gender Dysphoria.

 

I knew that coming out to my wife would end our marriage but I did it anyway.  After coming out to her I wrote two pages

explaining what it means to be transgender in the hope that it would help her understand.  Ten minutes after giving it to her

I heard her vomiting in our bathroom.  We agreed to separate and, to her credit, she has maintained a totally amicable attitude.

If you asked her why we were separating she would say it was because I had gone completely crazy and was obsessed

with becoming a fake woman.  If you asked me I would say the collateral damage from a life time under the cruel hammer

of Gender Dysphoria led to an emotional breakdown which my wife was unable to understand and judged as a weakness
on my part.  This lead to the breakdown of the emotional bond we shared all those years.  My coming out was the straw

that broke the camel's back but it was not the cause.

 

All of this occurred as Covid 19 rampaged its way around the world which only served to make my life seem even more surreal

than it already was.

 

I came out to my psychologist and my GP and moved out of my home.  That is when things started to get better.  My IBS quite

mysteriously began to diminish.  Its still an issue but the pain has reduced from crippling to annoying and discomforting.

 

In Australia, to begin Hormone Therapy, you have to gain the approval of a psychiatrist.  I did that and am about to attend the second

appointment with  my Endocrinologist (the first one was spent going over my medical history and being asked to do a bunch

of blood tests).  I dress as female inside my new home but, to the outside world, I still appear as male.  My parents have both

passed away and I have a brother and three sisters.  Only my youngest sister knows ans she has been amazing.  I doubt I

could have made it this far without her help.  My wife asked me not to inform my daughter until she had completed her medical

degree which she did a few weeks ago.  However my daughter's unwillingness to communicate is preventing me from coming out to her.

I held off telling my other siblings until I had told my daughter  but now I have decided that I will tell them.  I am fairly sure my

brother will be supportive.  I would like to think my other two sisters will as well but I actually have no idea how they will take it.

 

Along the way I found a Youtube channel owned by Jackie Rabbit.  I had found lots of other transgender youtube channels but

they were all by much younger transwomen.  I could identify with Jackie far more and her videos were way more relevant to me

and have have helped me enormously.

 

I am aiming to appear in front of my extended family as female over Christmas.  I am still struggling terribly with  my voice and

my 5 o'clock shadow.  Makeup is also a struggle to get a handle on  but I found a makeup lady who gives lessons to Transgender

women.  I have only had one but she was very helpful and extremely understanding and compassionate.  I plan to have more lessons

but I need to practice more first.

 

That is my life and where I am at this point.  My neighbors have no idea but are also the type that are not remotely interested

in their neighbors.  I am totally undecided as to whether to try to tell them or to simply let them puzzle why the guy next door

has disappeared and there is this funny looking woman there now.  In makeup I look so different to how I appear as male that

they may not connect we are the same person.

 

I hope this hasn't been too much in formation and perhaps there are some who can identify with my experiences.  Also much

thanks and appreciation to Jackie Rabbit.  Her videos have helped and she is how I found transgenderpulse.com for which I am

also very greatful.

Link to post
Vivienne Claire

Apologies for the crappy formatting of my post.  I began playing with computers in an age where word processors didn't exist and, to this day, I keep forgetting to let the software control the line breaks and word wrapping.

Link to post
  • Root Admin

Hi Vivienne,

 

Welcome to the forums, don't worry about the crazy formatting, you'll get the hang of it! 😄

Link to post

Hi Vivienne, nice to meet you.

 

You'll find amazing ladies with experiences very similar to yours here.

Congrats on your coming out. Isn't it wonderful to have the chance of a new, wholesome life?

Link to post
Vivienne Claire

Yes!  Every step forward makes me feel so right.  I do something I have never done before in my life and yet it feels familiar.  I have to say the medical people I have dealt with so far have been fantastic.  That would not have been the case in the past so I am very grateful the world is becoming more enlightened.

Link to post

Hi Vivienne, pleased to meet you. I think it is amazing that our bodies find ways of dealing with stress we often don't know we are under. It is wonderful that you have some support, do not worry about the neighbours or anyone else at the moment, just keep working with your psychologist to get to the most comfortable version of you. Thank you for such a detailed introduction :)

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Vivienne.  Your introduction reminds me of my own journey.  I went full time at 63.  That was an amazing 9+ years ago.  My time here helped immensely in accepting and learning to love myself.  Instead of wanting to die with my "terrible" secret i'm happily living as myself facing life as myself.  It took time to get far enough into the journey to feel comfortable in all situations.  Try to enjoy this amazing journey to self expression and love.  We are here with you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post
Vivienne Claire

DeeDee, as you say the most important thing is to keep moving forward and I plan to.  I don't think I could stop myself now even if I thought I had to.  I feel very foprtunste to have found my psychologist.  After I came pout to her I discovered she has a lot of experience with transgender patients.  One of the first thing she said to me after I told her was "It all makes so much more sense now.".

Link to post
Vivienne Claire

Charlize, its both wonderful and encouraging to hear from someone who transitioned close to my age.  The biggest change in my life since deciding to transition is that, before I spent each day just trying to survive it and after, I spend each day living it.  Its lonely, scary and difficult but its also a wonderful feeling to have hope and to know that I am on a path to be who I was always supposed to be.

Link to post
1 hour ago, Vivienne Claire said:

"It all makes so much more sense now.".

😂 Sometimes I think we are the last to know. Despite ourselves and the pains we go to to conform we just cannot hide that part of ouselves as well as we think we do - I was realising something similar in my own journey very recenly when a friend I came out to said almost exactly the same thing to me.

Link to post

Hi Vivienne, and welcome.

You'll find that there are a lot of us older girls here.

Back in the day, it was something that we just tried to cover up the best we could.  But it doesn't go away.  It's very freeing to finally be able to see ourselves as who we are.

Link to post
Sandra6sandy9sand

Hi Vivienne and welcome. So glad you are here. I’m 76 and felt that I had to keep my secret girl hidden for many years. I did everything possible to make her go away but like everyone else, she just kept pushing harder to be free.

 

I’m pretty much out with my wife of 40 years but that’s it. I still live in fear that I will loose my family. Hopefully I can be more open in 2021.

 

Take small steps to become more comfortable. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved and have value. Enjoy your summer.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

Link to post
10 hours ago, Vivienne Claire said:

Apologies for the crappy formatting of my post.  I began playing with computers in an age where word processors didn't exist and, to this day, I keep forgetting to let the software control the line breaks and word wrapping.

Gooday @Vivienne Clairefrom the middle of the USA. Indianapolis, Indiana to be more specific. Don't worry about your formatting in your posts, believe it or not most people read it just fine, and this isn't an English Literature Class or a Computer Program Workshop. Welcome to TranPulseFourums, you're among like minded people here.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy🐛🌈🦋

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
14 hours ago, DeeDee said:

😂 Sometimes I think we are the last to know. Despite ourselves and the pains we go to to conform we just cannot hide that part of ouselves as well as we think we do - I was realising something similar in my own journey very recenly when a friend I came out to said almost exactly the same thing to me.

That is what happened with my sister.  I didn't so much tell her as she figured it out. 

 

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
14 hours ago, Jandi said:

Hi Vivienne, and welcome.

You'll find that there are a lot of us older girls here.

Back in the day, it was something that we just tried to cover up the best we could.  But it doesn't go away.  It's very freeing to finally be able to see ourselves as who we are.

Its good to know there are others my age.  Those were totally different times when intolerance was not just accepted it was the rule.  We still have a long way to go but the world has also come a very long way and I am grateful for that.  As I take each new step it feels like a weight coming off my shoulders.  So many years of hiding who I really am.

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
11 hours ago, Sandra6sandy9sand said:

Hi Vivienne and welcome. So glad you are here. I’m 76 and felt that I had to keep my secret girl hidden for many years. I did everything possible to make her go away but like everyone else, she just kept pushing harder to be free.

 

I’m pretty much out with my wife of 40 years but that’s it. I still live in fear that I will loose my family. Hopefully I can be more open in 2021.

 

Take small steps to become more comfortable. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved and have value. Enjoy your summer.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

I thought hiding and suppressing would get easier with age but instead got just got harder.  I wish I had come to understand things much earlier in life but I suppose we all do.  I hope things work out with your family.  I am about to take on the task of informing my other two sisters and my brother and I am mildly terrified.  My youngest sister keep reassuring me they will be fine with it.  Logically I agree with her but emotionally I can't help but be nervous. 

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
10 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Gooday @Vivienne Clairefrom the middle of the USA. Indianapolis, Indiana to be more specific. Don't worry about your formatting in your posts, believe it or not most people read it just fine, and this isn't an English Literature Class or a Computer Program Workshop. Welcome to TranPulseFourums, you're among like minded people here.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy🐛🌈🦋

Thanks for the reassurance.  I guess I am a bit of a picture straightener so its hard for me to ignore.  Communicating with like minded people is a fantastic thing because I feel totally isolated at the moment.  I am hoping that side of things becomes easier when I am able to go female full time.  Driving home from my makeup lesson and knowing that everyone else on the road was seeing me as a lady driving her little red Honda was a fantastic experience.

Link to post
On 11/22/2020 at 6:39 PM, Vivienne Claire said:

I hope this hasn't been too much in formation and perhaps there are some who can identify with my experiences. 

Hi Vivienne Claire!  nice to meet you, and Welcome! 
Thank you for sharing your story.  I found it simultaneously beautiful and painful ... just like Life

I connected with many aspects of your story, as I am sure many others here on the Forum will have also.  We all have unique but also shared experiences.

Happy you have found us, found a great therapist, and that your Life is moving forward❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Vivienne,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
2 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Vivienne,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

Thank you and right back at you!

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
3 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Vivienne Claire!  nice to meet you, and Welcome! 
Thank you for sharing your story.  I found it simultaneously beautiful and painful ... just like Life

I connected with many aspects of your story, as I am sure many others here on the Forum will have also.  We all have unique but also shared experiences.

Happy you have found us, found a great therapist, and that your Life is moving forward❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Thank you an I am glad you got something from my post.  Like you say, each of our journeys are different but similar at the same time.  I agree about one step at a time.  I try to just focus on the next step.

Link to post
Vivienne Claire
4 hours ago, Robin.C said:

Welcome @Vivienne Claire
I'm only a youngster at 56 .. well in my mind anyhow. This forum is a wealth of information and stories different and still the same.

 

Hugs

Robin

Completely agree and hugs back.

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Greetings Vivienne Claire.  I'm another late bloomer who started at 61, five years ago.  Its been a wild ride at times but I am happier with my new life and I trust you will be too.  Hang in there and keep moving forward.  You'll ride out the bumpy days and be stronger.

 

Cheers, Jani

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hello @Vivienne Claire, Wonderful to meet you and welcome to the forum.

 

I started medical transition a few years ago at 56, so I consider myself a late bloomer also. We share many commonalities in our journey thus far. The manifestations from suppression and denial are similar although the symptoms are a bit different. In either case, the damaging effects were devastating and debilitating in some regards to having a ‘normal’ life.

 

On 11/22/2020 at 1:39 AM, Vivienne Claire said:

In my mid late 20's I met and fell in love with an amazing

woman.  I was convinced this would be the end of my "problem".  I still had no idea what I was dealing with.

This was me...except it didn’t happen to me until my early 30’s. Like you, I thought I could control my little ‘problem’ with sheer willpower and a some full time accountability. Now we both know the truth. But back then, we didn’t understand the damage it would cause in our lives.  In my case, there was no time before that time where I had gone for more than 3 months of total suppression and denial. After living and burying the issues for 22 years, I was at the end of my rope. I knew I had to change something.

 

On 11/22/2020 at 1:39 AM, Vivienne Claire said:

My parents have both passed away and I have a brother and three sisters.  Only my youngest sister knows ans she has been amazing.  I doubt I could have made it this far without her help.

I am so glad you have established at least one family member that supports you in this life change. It would be so difficult without one. I have 3 sisters who are completely on board with my transition and it means the world to me.

 

On 11/22/2020 at 1:39 AM, Vivienne Claire said:

I held off telling my other siblings until I had told my daughter  but now I have decided that I will tell them.  I am fairly sure my

brother will be supportive.  I would like to think my other two sisters will as well but I actually have no idea how they will take it.

I hope that you’ll eventually have successful outcomes with your other siblings too. It’s difficult but patience helps because sometimes it can take others a little time to adjust to the news but it helps if they can see you’re still ‘you’ at the core.

 

On 11/22/2020 at 1:39 AM, Vivienne Claire said:

Makeup is also a struggle to get a handle on but I found a makeup lady who gives lessons to Transgender women.  I have only had one but she was very helpful and extremely understanding and compassionate.  I plan to have more lessons but I need to practice more first.

I’m very confident that very soon this will not be an issue for you. Your avatar image looks very nice and it’s really just a case of putting in the time and effort to learn. The importance of presenting how you want to be seen and how you feel inside is such a motivator. Who knows...you may be giving those lessons to others yourself someday!

 

It was a pleasure to read about your journey and appreciate how well written it was too. I look forward to more material from you. Thank you for sharing.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 89 Guests (See full list)

    • Chloe Cozee
    • Marie58
    • Audrey
    • MaryEllen
    • ElizabethStar
    • Petra Jane
    • Jani
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,953
    • Total Posts
      669,296
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,934
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Marie58
    Newest Member
    Marie58
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. KaraIndiana
      KaraIndiana
      (43 years old)
    2. Roobert1111
      Roobert1111
      (30 years old)
    3. theophobia
      theophobia
      (22 years old)
  • Posts

    • Chloe Cozee
      @Shay Very nice, I like that one!
    • Audrey
      I'm so excited for you, Jeanette! Sending you well wishes from NYC for a successful surgery, a speedy recovery, and dreams realized. ❤️    Love, ~Audrey.
    • ElizabethStar
      Cute dress Bri.   I really like this sweater although I would’ve liked it a little larger so it could hang off my shoulder. Maybe next time. 
    • Jani
      Congratulations Jeanette!  I know this is a dream come true!!
    • MaryEllen
      That's why I always proof read anything I've written before hitting the Post tab. At one time we did have an edit function for members but it got out of hand. Unbeknownst to us, we had been infiltrated by 4chan and a certain religious denomination. They would make an innocent post and once that post had been moderator approved, they would change it to something hateful and demeaning toward other members. That's why members can no longer edit their posts. As Vicky stated above, we will make any corrections for you as long as it doesn't go against our community rules.   MaryEllen
    • Shay
    • VickySGV
      I am sorry, but we cannot do that for members. Please let any of us on the Moderator / Administrator team know what you need to have corrected and we will do it for you with no question and no charge.  I do not see any problems up in your post that would keep others from understanding what is going on, and I wish you the very best results and rapid healing.  Dreams can come true for us.
    • 2beBreanna
      I agree with Niamh. If they came looking for you they already value you.  Everyone needs to get over this putting everyone on each side is the exact same.  Both sides of the aisle have good and bad.  Both sides have people who hate and others that accept.     I am working to gently show more and more femininity at work.  I keep my nails longer and had a translucent polish on them.  I wear lots of pink and purple shirts but in men's styles.  These small things help me enough for now.  I get a few comments from people about small things but nothing that is a big deal. 
    • Jeanette West
      Could an edit function be added so I could correct spelling and grammatical errors? Thank you!  
    • Shay
    • SL
      It depends on the doctor. My doctor doesn't like people to do transdermal methods until at least a year in unless they have a special reason. I pass out when I get shots and when other people get shots, but evidently that's not a good enough reason haha. I think a special case would be if you have liver or kidney issues, but I don't remember. He says he prefers doing shots at least the first year because it's easier to ensure how much your body absorbs or control doses which can make it easier to predict when changes will occur or something like that. There are some people in the US who never have to do injections though. 
    • Jeanette West
      Tomorrow 01-23-21 is the big day!!🤩 I am off work until 02-25-21, in Chicago preparing for my surgery Saturday. Background: I was diagnosed gender-dysphoric awhile ago, back when information was extremely limited. So I buried my insides and got on with life. I returned to university for the Fall '98 semester, bought and ancient military surplus PC that was all-steel, it weighed 70 pounds, which I had to carry to the top floor of my dorm! While I was hooking it up, one of the computer wizards down the hall asked me if I'd ever heard of "The Internet". I hadn't, at which a group of these adorable geniuses set up my comp for me and introduced me to the wonders of Netscape Navigator and I was off! That first week I did a search under "transexual" and found Dr. Zukowski's clinic in Chicago. I would read every sing;e page at least once per week while I was at University of Alaska Fairbanks, just musing about The Day. And here I am 23-years later. I told this story to Dr. Z last summer when I met him for the first time, kind of like meeting a Hollywood star, I had to remember to breath. He mentioned this story to the surgery team I met while at the pre-op yesterday; there were tears involved. The good kind. I'll have the following: 1. Browlift with frontal bone contouring, scalp advancement and fat-grafting to fill soft tissue hollowing. 2. Upper and lower eyelid lifts with 35% YCA chemical peel. 3. Feminizing rhinoplasty/septoplasty. 4. Upper lip lift and length reduction. 5. Chin-bone contouring, chin soft tissue reshape with tracheal shave. 6. Jaw body and jaw angle contouring, some muscle work, and fat excision. 7. Full mid, lower face, neck and jaw skin facelift. 8. Fat graft to the lips, soft tissue to the cheeks, and naso-labial folds. 9. Breast augmentation using Mentor Classic Round Medium Smooth Cohesive I Silicone 640cc. These will be done over ~12 hours. I have contracted with a nurse to be with me from the recovery room for 72-hours continous with an option to extend depending on how I feel. I would like to add; this is not a plug for Dr. Z, but a story of one individuals', more than a decade of dreaming, hope and sometimes striving towards a goal. Anyone can do it, I know, I am here to tell you it can be done. A little here, a little there, the warchest will grow.  
    • Shay
      I'm hoping some day I will understnad the plan.... I'm getting pretty used to the "cry when you have to" part of Dan's song.
    • VickySGV
      Slowly, bit by bit things are becoming better.  The driver's license issue will have to do until people can finally be taught to accept the fact that all humans are different in ways that should not matter one tiny bit.
    • Bri2021
      It's dress nice day for me at work. The dress is sleeveless and I don't like showing my tats on my shoulders so a cover is needed.  I like my turquoise dragonfly necklace with this because it accents the small amount of turquoise in the dress.  Big hair courtesy of wanting some sunshine and braving the 38 degree morning commute with the top down. haha 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...