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Where do I start as a Mother?


KellyMarie2020

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KellyMarie2020

Hello everybody,

 

So, my 13 year old daughter has openly just told me that she is trans and that she wants to go by a Male name and go by the him/he pronouns.

This was a massive shock to me and I really have no idea how to feel or where to start.

 

A little background, my daughter has never been the "girly" type. She has her moments of being feminine but other then that, shes mainly been a tomboy.

 

I feel a little lost if I'm honest. She's my baby girl :( and i love her so very much. I will always no matter what support her, guide her and be there for her and I accept her for the way she is. I'm saying "She" at the moment because I am still trying to get my head around it all. I just want my child to be happy, that is all I have ever wanted and I had no idea how unhappy she truly was in herself :(

 

I am so very proud that she opened to me and was a 100% honest with me. She knows that me and my family are very accepting so maybe that helped with her opening up. We have always been so close. I just want to do the right thing by her. But where do I go from here? The doctors? School?

 

Also, is it normal to feel like I'm grieving? I know no matter what, she is my child regardless of sex, but I feel like ive lost my little girl and it hurts :(

 

Thank you so much for reading. Lots of love to you all.

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  • Forum Moderator

Salutations @KellyMarie2020 and welcome to the site! It always gives me the warm fuzzies to see a parent who's supportive of their child. Good on you!

 

So yes. What you're going through is perfectly normal. The person you thought you knew wasn't exactly what you thought he was. Grieving for a time is also normal. On the plus side, now you get to meet your new son!

 

He's thirteen so there's not much to be done medically at this point. However, if you get him into the ... ah, I should know what it's called ... anyway, the program for trans people in the UK. You should be able to get him on puberty blockers to keep the worst of E from ravaging his body in ways that will cause him distress. If you chose to go outside the NHS, the procedure is basically the same. First there's going to be gender therapists who are going to want to talk to your son. If they give him a pass, he can get puberty blockers. These are safe and completely reversible if he changes his mind later.

In a couple of years (18 in the US, depending on state, I'm less sure about the UK), you can worry about the things that are less reversible like testosterone (which we usually shorten to just T) and surgical interventions.

 

In the meantime, be supportive. Use his preferred name and pronouns and just be a good mom. Make sure that he knows that you love him no matter what.

 

Hugs!

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KellyMarie2020

Thank you very much @Jackie C.for your wonderful reply ❤

 

We have had a really good chat tonight and spoke about pretty much everything and have reassured him that i will get in contact with our doctor and see where to go from there.

 

I just want him to be happy. He is such a beautiful soul and has so much to give the world, but the world terrifies me, I know how nasty people can be and I dont want him getting hurt 😢 Everything terrifies but I know that we can get all through this together.

 

Thank you so much!! Your advice means the world to me. As much as it hurts and it's a shock, I am excited for my child to finally be truly happy with himself.

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  • Forum Moderator

You are most welcome.

 

Speaking from experience, while the world can be cruel, things are much less terrible when you're allowed to live as yourself. Also, your son, presuming he decides to transition, well be starting young and is FtM. He is going to be basically indistinguishable from a cis-male within a year of starting hormones. That's going to spare him a lot of hassling as an adult.

 

Dysphoria is a beast. If you can shield him from the worst of it, that will be much better for his long-term mental health than trying to ride it out.

 

Having supportive family members helps too. ❤️

 

Hugs!

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello @KellyMarie2020, Thank you for reaching out here. You are doing what’s best for your son. Grieving a change this substantial is normal and I think a healthy part of the whole process. Our dreams about who are children will become often change during the course of their growing up to adulthood but this is seemingly an abrupt change for you. For your son, it has likely been an series of ongoing mental changes and adjustments over a much longer period of time. It doesn’t change the fact that this is a real gender identity issue that needs addressing in a very supportive manner. Your child is vulnerable right now and may have no one else to turn to for real support. You obviously understand why reaching out is critical. Some children resort to other serious methods of dealing with the mental pain and it doesn’t often end well if a point of support is not found quickly. Communicating and reassurance will continue to be so important to him. You feel like you are overwhelmed and not sure what comes next. He is likely in a similar situation but must count on you for any of that support to happen. I would first recommend looking for a gender therapist which is a very long process where you are but you have some time to get that support since they are still very young. We have several members here that live in your area. They can give you much better support details as to where to go, who to call and a practical timeline for you and your son.

 

I hope for the best for your son. It’s not the end of the world but a new beginning for them. In time, you may see how happy he becomes in living as himself.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

 

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Hi KellyMarie, again can I say it is wonderful to see a parent supporting their child unconditionally. :) 

I'm in my 40's and scared to tell my mother so it speaks volumes to how much your child trusts and loves you that they could come to you with this.

Depending on where you are your GP will refer you to your closest G.I.C Gender Identity Clinic.  This always starts with speaking to a counsellor who specialises in gender and sexual health issue, there are a few youth organisations that you may be signposted to like Stonewall and Mermaids or a local trans group but while they are not essential for the process they can be good for exactly the same reason this site is, socialisation, trying out preferred names and pronouns and finding others who understand us.

The NHS is simply understaffed and does not have enough specialists trained to help so the waiting times can be somewhere between months and years, so you will both need to be aware of that - it is a long haul, I was lucky but still had to wait 8 months for my initial appointment, it's the reason many choose to go private and do a shared care between a clinic and the GP - which obviously costs more but ultimately follows the same progression, counselling is always the first port of call.

You may also start hearing loads of new jargon so if you haven't already I would recommend watching a few videos that explain the difference between cis and trans and that sort of thing.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi KellyMarie, welcome.

 

It's good that you have good advice from everyone here. DeeDee is correct in that there are long waiting times for NHS services. That does not mean that you cannot get advice and plan things out. You do not say where in the UK you are and things do differ very slightly between UK countries. There are guidelines given by the NHS and other information from organisations. If you seach online you would find them. These would give you an overview so that you could see how things are organised. If you have problems finding or have questions please don't hesitate to ask as I may have the links / references you would find useful.

 

Tracy

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Kelly Marie.  

    It is wonderful that you and your child are communicating openly.  Times and the level of acceptance and understanding are growing quickly.  Knowing that may help you with your fears.  Even so i and sure it comes as a painful shock for you.  We have dreams for our children.  Any change in the family is difficult and changing gender may be the biggest change we can make.  I know my son took a long time to accept my transition.  He has come to realize that i'm still the same person.  It simply took time and understanding on both our parts.   !3 is such a difficult age for trans folks.  Hormones begin to ravage our bodies and we feel and see changes that can be difficult at best.  Hopefully you will be able to find medical help sooner rather than later.

   Our UK members are a great source of information.  Your child may wish to visit this site as well.  We do our best as Mods to keep the space decent and  safe for members of any age.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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