Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The road behind me.


RadicalEmma

Recommended Posts

(This isn't what I set out to write, but this is what emerged, so here's a friendly hello to start things off before I delve way too far into my entire self-history. Hello! Thank you for having this space and allowing me to have a place within it.)

 

So... I've lived nearly four decades on the planet with depression, anxiety, and this innate, nigh-unknowable feeling that something was off. I used to joke about having a highly developed feminine side as a teenager. I didn't realize at the time I may have been trying to push through my own barriers with that jest.

 

My late 20s and onward, I'd daydream about being "a woman born," not understanding that trans women were women and thus relegating any hope for self-femininity to a future/past life. My depression and anxiety sharpened, developing  panic disorder to add to the fun. Medications were sought for relief and resisted in the same breath, but ultimately surrendered to as an unwanted necessity. 

 

When I turned 30, my birth father decided to take a photo of my mother and I and combine them in photoshop into an amalgam of the two of us. This photo irked me, mocking me with hair I had been losing since 18 and a self I'd denied since my inception. I laughed, good-naturedly at the time, but the murmurs of the tectonic shift coming within were present, had I been willing to pay attention. 

 

Two years ago, I tried to broach the subject with my mother, but quickly dropped that idea when it became apparent that neither of us were in a good place for those sorts of revelations. I retreated and repressed the feelings again. 

 

A month ago, I took a selfie. I played with the available filters and (by chance? Probably not) gender-swapped myself. I was so startled by the girl staring out of the void that I wept... because I had never ever previously liked a photo of or containing myself until that moment and it wasn't even a truly genuine picture, only an algorithm wiping away facial hair, smoothing skin, and adding the almost amber tresses I craved with such ease. Unlike other selfies, that one is still on my phone, my most genuine illusory self ever. 

 

The walls I'd put up had cracked and let so much light in finally that my eyes were beginning to readjust to the possibility that I could still embrace the prisoner of my self, perhaps my truest self... and nourish her from the girl I'd locked up based on the unspoken advice of shame and society... into a powerful woman in her own right. 

 

Last week, I began pulling down these Berlin walls within, fragment by fragment. My therapist. A group of lovely women who had walked the path before me, but who were otherwise unknown to me on Zoom. Some select and trusted friends. My mother. One coworker. Myself. I came out again and again, and I'll continue to come out. 

 

My male self has not always been kind to me, but he has not done with any sort of malice in mind, only ignorance and fear, so I can forgive him and let him set these burdens down soon. He has done what he could in a poor situation with what was at hand, admittedly not much. Still, he acted admirably and hobbled toward his own undoing with as much grace and aplomb as I could hope for, laying down now that I have asked him to... to make way for her truth, her birth, as it were.

 

When she is strong enough to start walking into this transition, I hope to have the tools ready to allow her to learn to be what I could not on my own... herself... and that she is strong enough to be or become whomever she chooses on the long journey that remains.  

Link to post
  • Admin

Welcome Emma, your story dovetails nicely into the other stories told here and makes you a very real part of what we have here.  Every one of us on the site can empathize with the steps you have gone through so far and will be as helpful as we can to share our journeys of the steps you will be taking.

Link to post

I will wipe my eyes now because that hit me hard, and extend a warm welcome to you, Emma. Welcome to this marvelous place!

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Emma.  Well, your story wasn't that Radical, at least for us here.  Coming out can be liberating and I hope your story is accepted by those you love.  In many ways our prior male self was there to protect us until this moment.  At times he might have fallen asleep on watch but for the most part I'm sure he did a good job.  Move forward happily.

 

Cheers, Jani

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Emma.  Like you i hated seeing my face in photographs.  Something was simply wrong.  Today i understand why. I can enjoy seeing images of myself with in photographs or in the mirror!  Like you my hair was a problem but i've found that wearing a wig is not much different than a baseball cap except perhaps that i wear it in the house as well as outside.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Emma,

Welcome to Transpulse.I'm glad you're here! 

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

Link to post
Heather Nicole

Hi, @RadicalEmma! Nice to meet you! ❤️ I like your writing style.

 

From your backstory, it sounds like we have a lot in common. And we're about the same age, too!

 

Between your awesome username and utterly adorable profile image, do I detect another Bebop fan??

Link to post

Hi Emma!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!

That a beautiful Introduction you wrote.  Thank you for sharing❣️

From the others' comments I am sure you can feel this is a Welcoming community, and I am happy you are here. 
Like Jani said ..

On 11/24/2020 at 9:08 AM, Jani said:

In many ways our prior male self was there to protect us until this moment.

I too may have some regrets, but I feel I can move forward and still accept that version of myself as an essential part of my journey.  Happy you are making such positive progress already.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time
 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 57 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • Gabriel
    • Emily Michele
    • Zoey4Trix
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      73,329
    • Total Posts
      675,059
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,149
    • Most Online
      8,356

    William03232019
    Newest Member
    William03232019
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Freddie
      Freddie
      (19 years old)
    2. MWK89
      MWK89
      (32 years old)
    3. ophelia
      ophelia
      (27 years old)
    4. papaparca
      papaparca
      (24 years old)
  • Posts

    • Red_Lauren.
      I'm about 2 and a half months in to hormones, and I have definitely have some growth now. My first sign was last week. I don't wear a bra yet, so I was hanging around the house, and I caught my self in a mirror. I definitely looked like a typical woman not wearing a bra. At least in the chest area.    So I grabbed a bra, and I filled the cups perfectly compared to 2 months ago. I'm excited, but also pissed ill probably have to buy new bras in a few months.   I don't know which way my breast will go through. One grandma has about a c, and the other has bigger ones now because of putting on weight, or they were always big. I haven't seen any young photos of her. My mother last time I saw her probably around a c also. No sisters, or blood aunts also. That leaves out female cousins, and even if I could use my female cousins for reference. Apparently all four of my uncles are breast men, so that skews that. 
    • AwesomeClaire
      Nice to know I'm not alone, I thought I was the only one. Vicky I guess I will just keep waiting for it.
    • Confused1
      Congratulations Kasumi63!   Not having visitors must be hard. This part will be over soon and you will be able to move on to an amazing life. Wishing you the best!   Hugs, Mike
    • VickySGV
      Orgasm's do change on HRT and do move away from just the place below your belly button and become more generalized, but it is pretty much like fishing.  The biggest one  was too big to get on the boat to take a picture of.  Having been on HRT for 12 years now, I do not have a large number, and they usually come from gentle touch in a lot of body areas, and they take a LONG TIME to work their way up to a climax.  The biggest problem is getting a partner who can put time in with you, and too many guys can't do it that long.  Nipples, other breast work, long slow body rubs, a nibble on the ear or two, breath and repeat until big O happens.  On T, it is lock, load, and fire.  You do have to practice and you do have to find out how YOU work.  Nothing is guaranteed, but all O's are created equal, it is that that is how they are created, not finished.  It will take 6 months to 3 years for your hormones to create the finished big event, but don't lose hope.
    • William03232019
      Hi! I'm William and have recently come out as ftm, as I said in the title I am overweight and am just worried they can stop me from receiving hrt strictly because of my weight. I know I will have to lose some for my top surgery but I need T to be able to be more comfortable in a gym. Thank you for any suggestions or experiences any of you have had with this!
    • Kasumi63
      Sorry for moaning, but it’s just so painful and exhausting. I’m hanging in there, but sometimes I just start to cry.
    • ElizabethStar
      Nothing too heavy here just strange day-to-day weirdness that you notice or strange new experiences.   I was at a Starbucks over the weekend. I felt cute and witchy in all black. Boots, top, skirt, mask, even under clothes all black. While I waited in the holding  area for my coffee a guy comes over by me and starts mumbling to himself about how he can't find his GF. Why is he starting at me? He mumbles around a little more. Keeps staring at me and leaves. Was he checking me out? Trying to clock me? I don't know. All I know is I'm the only woman, out of 4, that he looked at. I look at one of the woman "What just happened?" she just shrugged her shoulders.   Went on a service call for work at the office for a housing community. All black again today.  Met the guy outside. As I come around the back of my Jeep he starts"Hey< how's it going buddy...sorry, I thought you were a...... I wish would have finished his statement. It was a pretty easy job. A power transformer was loose in the outlet. Just had to re-bend the prongs on the plug, replace the backup battery and was done. With the same guy had to goto another site around the block.   I got my truck over the garage he was waiting. He points a small box up on the wall. A few seconds later He shows up with a ladder for me to use. So I'm up on a ladder, in tight jeans and I swear I could feel him staring at my ass. I finished my work and left.   Are my womanly senses kicking in? Can I now sense if someone is checking me out? I think more research is needed.    
    • Jandi
      Yeah… this.
    • ElizabethStar
      It happened a little to me when I was on tab but has gotten more extreme since switching to the shot. The day I do my shot it start ramping up pretty quick. The next day is a lot worse. Mood swings from depressed to angry to starving through out the day and is pretty much tapered-off buy day 3. I love it.
    • Willow Farmer
      Thank You Susan.   Yes, My life is going pretty good right now and I hope it continues that way, and yes I feel the freedom.  At least I have new friends to ask for advise if it gets real challenging again.      Much Love,    ---WILLOW---
    • Confused1
      I am a little different than most, because I am on ADT to shut down hormones for prostate cancer. As soon as my testosterone decreased, my skin quickly started smoothing out. I am not on estradiol yet. Later I started taking Finasteride and using Minoxidil to regrow the hair on my head. I am taking Biotin & Collagen to strengthen my nails. I don't know if it is helping my hair, because it had already started regrowing before the Hair, Skin, & Nails supplement. I may need to increase my Biotin supplement, because my nails are still brittle.   I have not noticed any increase of hair growing in unwanted areas. The loss of testosterone seemed to slow that growth down. YMMV   Hugs, Mike
    • ElizabethStar
      If she does ask I will answer truthfully.
    • Teri Anne
      I think you are right so there is no need to explain anything. She sounds like a great friend. I have a few female friends like that and gender really doesn't come up in conversation. They treat me like any other girl friend. I said that just in case she asked questions about it.
    • gina-nicole-t
      @LusciousTheLock You are very correct, children should never have to go through what we had to go through. Sadly it still goes on, and probably will go on until the powers that be are finally held to account for not doing their jobs and doing something when children today report their parents for abusing them, and have medical evidence to back up the claims. I cannot speak intelligently for the UK, but here in America they have a horrible habit of putting the abused kids back with the abusive parents. Sadly the kids sometimes either end up as runaways, or dead from the abuse. We got lucky to survive. I am so glad to have met you on here. If I don't talk to you again, I will talk to you after I get out of the hospital.  Hugs,  Gina 
    • ElizabethStar
      You and me both.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...