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Hello, From Keira


CallMeKeira

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This is far from comprehensive, so I may append it later. In my heart and mind, my name is Keira. I was born in the summer 27 years ago to decidedly working class, religious, and moderately conservative parents. They married and divorced multiple times, and my siblings and I had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. Between the chaos and extended family drama was a scrawny little runt with tawny brown hair, a minor learning disability, and boundless energy.

 

But, as I got older, I started feeling different. I got bullied a great deal for a number of things, even by family members. Called a number of slurs and derogatory things, I clung to the company of my mom as often as I could. I grew up listening to LeeAnn Rhimes and the like, and going shopping with her. As puberty really set in, though, I was thrust unceremoniously into the "boy's" role and the world of men. Needless to say, my soft nature lead to a lot more bullying. It was in this time I really started diving into literature, games, and other worlds. I built a refuge in my mind and resolved to hold out for the future, by giving them all what they expected while I hid in a little room in my head.

 

In that room I stayed locked, only occasionally peaking out. I grew closer with my dad to learn how to "be a man", tried hanging out with my brother's friends, and searched for a male role that I could at least painlessly inhabit (I settled on computer geek). I thought it was painless, anyhow. Turned out to be more like demise by a thousand cuts.

 

As I stumbled out of high school and through college off and on for several years, the pressure began to build. Some poor choices that in hindsight were me desperately trying to live up to expectations resulted in my first and second attempts at the big "S". Consulting mental health professionals to address my unrelenting depression and anxiety got me so far, until a 20 credit hour course load and a 20 hour a week work schedule led me to voluntarily seek hospitalization. After that, I spent the next year and a half grappling with a misdiagnosis that I only recently got revised. The medication they had me on still works for my general issues, though. I have been embracing the inner me over the past year, and dipping my toes in the water, so to speak. I look forward to have a serious discussion with my therapist soon, as she doesn't specialize in gender issues, though she's otherwise fantastic. This is an abridged version of my life, but I'm here, breaking through.

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Welcome, Keira. Your intro expressed your journey well, and you'll find others here with similar experiences. We're here to listen and share. Join in the conversation!

 

With best wishes 

 

Astrid

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    • Hsarandos
      @Niamh funny you mention that but that’s exactly what my child suggested last night as far as adding Xi as his first name and bumping his original name to his middle name! But I think @Jackie C. is right, for the moment don’t need to change the official papers yet until later on. Give him time to make sure he likes that and wants to keep it. And it makes total sense to me that he would want a clean break. I’ll ponder this for a while and try to wrap my head around accepting it. The smile on his face if we do is enticing though. And you’re of course right that he’s going to have enough stress in his life, why get hung up on something that could so easily make him happy. ❤️ I need this forum to help put things in perspective for sure so thank you both tremendously!
    • Confused1
      Hi Kaiden,   Welcome to Trans Pulse. I think you find some friendly people here to talk to and who will support you.   Hugs, Mike
    • Shay
      Been trying so hard will do!   Hugs Right Back at You @Jackie C.
    • Jackie C.
      A folded piece of toilet paper held in front of your genitals will keep you from making a mess. There's a little spray but it's actually easier to control than when, for example, you get up to urinate in the middle of the night and the stream from your penis initially forks because the universe has decided to punish you in particular tonight. So yeah, a little foresight and preparation and you're good to go.   After a couple of weeks, I just sat, urinated, cleaned myself then got on my way. Here we are a year later and there are no issues. I'd recommend keeping your Kegel muscles strong with regular exercise, but that's more for sexual health and to prevent leaks.   Hugs!
    • Tasha Marie
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    • Jackie C.
      Progress comes when you grab it.   Hugs!
    • Shay
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    • Aurora
      Hello All:   I have a question and wanted to know and have heard very little about it so I will also try to keep it as clean as possible.  So after your GCS surgery and you need to use the restroom, I have heard that the first month or 2 when using the restroom that it tends to spray more than be like a stream and when it sprays, it tends to get everywhere and usually due to the swelling and getting used to the new part for going to the restroom.  Then I heard that after awhile when the swelling starts to go down that it becomes less of a spray and more of a stream in time and also you then learn how to better control it when using the restroom.  So was wondering if this is correct and what is some of the post-op girls out their experience with using the restroom from right after GCS surgery and going to the 1 year after or more?   Thank You All   Side note, I have 46 days and counting till April 21st for my GCS surgery with Dr. Crane
    • Shay
      mellow time...............    
    • Shay
      i feel like I'm at standstill.
    • Shay
      time - fast and yet so slow.................
    • Shay
      Even though I feel like in a holding pattern - this song occurred to me this morning and has a lot to say to me today.    
    • Niamh
      I'm probably old enough to be your childs grandparent, but I'm going through some questioning about how to address my own legal name. I wonder if the solution I'm thinking of for myself may be appropriate for your child. I'm not sure if the same rules apply to official/registered names in USA (I'm in UK), but why not legally ADD your child's new name to their registered name. I have many friends and family who choose one of their first names to be known by. My Mother in Law for example has always be known by her 2nd registered name.   If you were to register your child's new name as their first but retain their original name as a second would this compromise work for you both?
    • Jackie C.
      Early on? Yeah. It takes a minute for your mind to settle into the idea that you're where you're supposed to be. The dysphoria monster keeps telling you that you're a fraud and that sends you tripping down the steps into a death spiral. It is very much a fake it until you make it situation. I misgender MYSELF sometimes. It gets easier with time though. Your new identity takes precedence over the one you wore for so long. When I feel like a fraud, I revel in something girly for a while. A romance novel, treatment, dressing hyper-femme for a bit, whatever. Just to remind myself how much I love being who I am.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Salutations @Hsarandos! Welcome to Transpulse!   So your son wants to be called Xi. That's the name that he thinks fits him the best. He likes it. He wants to be called Xi. Go for it. If he decides he wants to change it later, that's OK too. I didn't go with my first choice, but it's not really a big deal.   I think you're getting a little hung up on all the work you did to name your son. The thing with names though is that we hang them on someone before we really get to know them. Sure, you know your son fairly well (at least it seems like that, kudos for being supportive parents by the way) now, but how well did you know him when he was just born? Heck, you thought he was a girl!   His reluctance to go with his given name could be bad feelings because he associates it with being a girl. Sure, it's unisex, but when he wore it, it was while he was pretending to be a girl. He might not want the reminder. The time we spend pretending to be the gender everybody says we are hurts and your son might just want a clean break. I'm not saying you have to change it in the Official Records just yet. Let that ride for a while until he's sure. If that's the name he wants going forward as your son though? Call him Xi. Being trans is stressful enough, he needs your love, acceptance and support. It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep up the good work!   Hugs!
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