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TTheta

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Sorry to ramble on again lol

 

So my stepmom went to the store, and sometimes she swings by goodwill to see if there are any good books, (I know this because I have to wipe down everything when she gets home) and today there were a few books, none that really caught my attention except for one labeled "Your Defiant Child, First Edition: Eight Steps to Better Behavior" pffft, I uh, not exactly sure on how to react. I am nearly 18... and I have been trying to move out because of all the damage they have caused to my mental health, I was already struggling with my gender and they made it impossible to thrive at all. They won't let me get a job, even though I could walk to the job, all I am good for is to do THEIR chores and take care of THEIR child. They make hurtful comments all day long and couldn't care less about me, but they sure as hell are making sure they keep me as long as they can to torture me, their love is fake and I don't want it. Call me defiant, -crap-, try finding a conversion therapist again. Honestly the book just makes me laugh, because the only "defiance" I have taken part in is being who I am, I am Aidan and at this point I don't even want parents anymore, as soon as I move they are getting cut off. I don't care if they are blood are not (Well my dad and his family), if they can't respect my decision, they don't have to be part of it :// 

 

I don't understand why they just won't let me go, it doesn't make any logical sense. my stepmom hates me and my dad has disowned me so many times, they tell me that I am a burden and a terrible child. If I am such a burden, why don't you let me go? Or why don't you try to fix anything, I know I sure as hell have tried. My stepmom is just such a negative person and she has poisoned this family and I am not the only one of the kids who has seen this. That's why my brother joined the military just so he could get away, that's why my younger brothers moved away to go live with their dad, that's why my older sister never visited when she lived a few houses down. No one is happy here, this home is full of nothing but negativity and it all started when my stepmom moved in. I'm glad both of them cannot have anymore children, because life is hell in this house. The amount of chores I have to do everyday and the amount of time I have to do school is insane. Honestly I am going to pat myself of the back for surviving this long. okay I kinda rambled but I am just mad that she thinks of me as defiant. I think 'Defiant' and 'Survival Mode' are two separate things 🙃 

 

The memo my therapist used to describe me was "A plant in a sealed jar" meaning, It's still living, though it won't grow.

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You're absolutely right. Your mother is just toxic. She seems like the kind of person who goes through life just looking for a puppy to kick. Seriously, you're living your own Cinderfella story here.

 

For some people the cruelty is the point. They need someone to hurt so they can feel good about themselves. I personally don't get it, but I've seen it enough times to recognize it's a thing. Seriously, sometimes I feel like a different species from some slices of humanity. They're that alien.

 

Stay strong sweetie. Shrimp heaven is almost here. Also, you get to eject and go live with your aunt. I wish you all the best.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

You're absolutely right. Your mother is just toxic. She seems like the kind of person who goes through life just looking for a puppy to kick. Seriously, you're living your own Cinderfella story here.

 

For some people the cruelty is the point. They need someone to hurt so they can feel good about themselves. I personally don't get it, but I've seen it enough times to recognize it's a thing. Seriously, sometimes I feel like a different species from some slices of humanity. They're that alien.

 

Stay strong sweetie. Shrimp heaven is almost here. Also, you get to eject and go live with your aunt. I wish you all the best.

 

Hugs!

Maybe I should get a book on how to deal with toxic parents... I'll leave it out so she can see it :)) 

 

I don't understand the point in kicking others when they are down, making them feel better is so much better :(( I know that if I ever start a family, I will NOT repeat the things my parents have done to me, which brings up another point, my stepmom complains that her life sucked, so why do the same things to me that her parents did to her? That makes no sense. 

 

Oh! Shrimp heaven is here it is just in another room (Because I wasn't supposed to see it haha) Sometimes my dad is cool :)) I have to wait til Christmas to put it in my room and take it with me to my aunts, so I have validation to stay strong :DD

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Something from this list perhaps? https://bookriot.com/books-for-readers-with-toxic-parents/

A lot of them seem to be e-books or on audible though. Not great for leaving on the coffee table.

 

Some people think: "Well, I went through all this trauma, and I'm OK so I'll inflict it on my kids." They're dead wrong, but for some reason it's a very popular parenting technique.

 

The better choice is breaking the cycle. It's up to the kids to say, "No, this is awful," and not do it to anyone else. You're looking to break the cycle. It sounds like your siblings are on the same path. Good on all of you.

 

I hope Shrimp Heaven is in (indirect if I'm remembering the directions right) sunlight. You need to add energy to the system or it'll collapse. Shrimp heaven should be vibrantly alive on Christmas morning.

 

Hugs!

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I shall look into the link, and many more haha.

 

Yeah, that is the absolute worst. Like I understand us kids need to learn some things the hard way and scrape our knee so we can learn from it, but the parents are supposed to be there to help us learn and recover from the scraped knee, not cut the knee off entirely and then tell us to walk 20 miles on it. There is a huge difference there. 

 

I have been the only kid who was brave enough to stand up for myself, the others were luckily able to get away. But I know each and everyone of them would make great parents, because not only did we take care of a child for them- but what we learned what NOT to do from our parents, so I guess the parents did something useful, good on them haha. 

 

Oh yeah I moved it to the window and pulled up the blinds :)) (She left them in the box with no sunlight, glad I caught it) The algae has gotta grow, but otherwise it looks really good and there was at least 4 little brightly colored shrimp and it makes me so happy to see :)) 

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ElizabethStar

So much of this...just brings back memories. I had a step mother that I swear just hated my sister and I. We weren't her kids so we just garbage. My sister left and moved in with a friend when she was 16, so she got away. I was left as the middle kid between two step-siblings. No matter what I did I was wrong and severely punished at the drop of a hat. They called it "tough love",felt more like abuse to me. I wasn't allowed to have friends, wasn't allowed to have a job even though I had one before we moved in with her. I was perpetually grounded and never allowed go anywhere but I was free to do chores whenever I wanted. Oh wait, that was required. This was also in the late 80's so there was not internet or cell phones. I was isolated from the world. School and home, that was it. Eventually for my own sanity I ran away. 

 

I'm not by any means trying to discourage you from moving out. I only ask that you have things figured before you do. I spent 8 years living on the streets and suffered horribly for it. I did things no one should ever have to do to survive and don't want any to ever have to go through what I did. It's taken a lot a therapy to undo the damage and it set my whole life by a decade.

 

I could write for hours and hours on this but I'll just leave with this. I promise you're not alone.

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4 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

So much of this...just brings back memories. I had a step mother that I swear just hated my sister and I. We weren't her kids so we just garbage. My sister left and moved in with a friend when she was 16, so she got away. I was left as the middle kid between two step-siblings. No matter what I did I was wrong and severely punished at the drop of a hat. They called it "tough love",felt more like abuse to me. I wasn't allowed to have friends, wasn't allowed to have a job even though I had one before we moved in with her. I was perpetually grounded and never allowed go anywhere but I was free to do chores whenever I wanted. Oh wait, that was required. This was also in the late 80's so there was not internet or cell phones. I was isolated from the world. School and home, that was it. Eventually for my own sanity I ran away. 

 

I'm not by any means trying to discourage you from moving out. I only ask that you have things figured before you do. I spent 8 years living on the streets and suffered horribly for it. I did things no one should ever have to do to survive and don't want any to ever have to go through what I did. It's taken a lot a therapy to undo the damage and it set my whole life by a decade.

 

I could write for hours and hours on this but I'll just leave with this. I promise you're not alone.

I am smack middle of 6 siblings, only one blood related brother, who joined the navy. I am the only kid left besides my adopted 2 year old sister. I really relate to you, I wasn't allowed to talk to people online, even if I knew them in person and they went to my school (I had a phone for like a month and since then I have had it taken away) Yeah the "Tough love" I totally get but I don't even get that anymore, she makes sure I know I am not her child and she doesn't even wanna try to fix our relationship. Oh yeah chores, originally the chores were spread out among 3 children and even then we were overwhelmed with the amount there was, but now since the other 2 moved out I am alone and I have taken all the chores and if I don't complete the chores, I am not allowed to do school for the day, oh yeah I am not even allowed in my room the whole day, I have to stay downstairs all day, I am only allowed to go upstairs to sleep for the night. I am upstairs for more than 5 minutes I get yelled at. 

 

I do have moving plans they are 100% secure. My really supportive aunt (on my mom's side) is going to take me in. Funny thing is that my parents hold a grudge against her (My dad and stepmom) (My mom died when I was 6) So my "Parents" cut my aunt out of my life because she was the only one to stick up for my brother and I, but I have found ways to keep in contact. But I should be moving out in 5 months maximum, either around Christmas or my 18th birthday :)) (April 21st) 

 

Feel free to write as much as you want, I enjoy reading that there are others who are like me, but made it out alive :)) I personally find it inspiring and I can't express my gratitude for you :DD Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your story :)) 

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@Aidan5 You are an incredible young man, that you are thriving in such a difficult environment without letting it eat into your sense of self is a testament to what a wonderful person you are. That pat on the back should be a daily occurence.

Your stepmom is unknowingly giving you all the life skills you need to survive in your own home.

I grew up having to do the "guy" chores that my sisters didnt have to do, as well as the "girl" chores to make sure that I didn't turn out sexist like my grandad, and that was in a loving home, be ready that even when you do leave, they will try to continue exercising that control; for your stepmom it will be because you are ungrateful and never appreciated everything they've done for you, but don't take it on board.

It will be a great day when you move into your aunts, the chores will still need done but it is always nicer when everyone joins in! 

I'm pretty sure you bring out the maternal instincts of most of (all of) us internet mums so please know that we are here rooting for you. 

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10 hours ago, DeeDee said:

@Aidan5 You are an incredible young man, that you are thriving in such a difficult environment without letting it eat into your sense of self is a testament to what a wonderful person you are. That pat on the back should be a daily occurence.

Your stepmom is unknowingly giving you all the life skills you need to survive in your own home.

I grew up having to do the "guy" chores that my sisters didnt have to do, as well as the "girl" chores to make sure that I didn't turn out sexist like my grandad, and that was in a loving home, be ready that even when you do leave, they will try to continue exercising that control; for your stepmom it will be because you are ungrateful and never appreciated everything they've done for you, but don't take it on board.

It will be a great day when you move into your aunts, the chores will still need done but it is always nicer when everyone joins in! 

I'm pretty sure you bring out the maternal instincts of most of (all of) us internet mums so please know that we are here rooting for you. 

Thank you so much :)) 

 

Also I kinda thought that she would try to keep control because that is what she does to my older brother who is in the military, and he is about to get his first orders and first official job, which I am so excited for him, I keep in contact with him as much as I can (He is my blood related brother) 

I honestly have no problem with chores, it's just the amount given and expected within a unreasonable time limit, and even when I do them correctly, I have to redo it several times each day. And it feels like the list keeps growing each week with a new chores that my stepmom claims "You were supposed to be doing that the whole time" 

But I am very excited to move with my aunt because the times I did live with her before when I was younger, the world just felt a little less frightening and I felt like I would become a responsible adult because she holds me accountable but not to the point it is overbearing. AND I get to be Aidan :)) 

I really appreciate having you all here :)) I can get actual motherly advice. I can't thank you all enough. This completely makes up for the lack of mother figure in my life :DD  

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2 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

Also I kinda thought that she would try to keep control because that is what she does to my older brother who is in the military

So the good news is, this is exactly how she treats the men in the family. Bad news is she probably learnt it from somewhere else and genuinely doesn't think/care she is bad.

 

2 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

But I am very excited to move with my aunt because the times I did live with her before when I was younger, the world just felt a little less frightening and I felt like I would become a responsible adult because she holds me accountable but not to the point it is overbearing. AND I get to be Aidan :)) 

There is nothing really to say, but even reading that made me smile. :) :) 

 

2 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

I really appreciate having you all here :)) I can get actual motherly advice. I can't thank you all enough. This completely makes up for the lack of mother figure in my life :DD  

Just be thankful we can't send you knitted jerseys and homebaking. The men on this site would be spoilt rotten.

Seriously though, this place exists so we can all help each other, we can help and be helped at the same time. What's not to love?

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I wish her ego wasn't so big so someone could get to her that what she is doing isn't right. But the moment someone hints to her that she isn't all as great as she thinks she is, she cuts them off. 

 

Oh man, cavities for sure haha. Also I am really glad I found this site, very wholesome and has probably saved my life so many times. :))

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