Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Lost my Ability to be a human and My Happiness of being a Woman is in the Passed


Rosalina101011

Recommended Posts

I’m happy for all the trans people who are living their lives the way they are meant to be. I struggle for many decades (6 decades) to love myself and to be kind to others but I have failed. I started cross dressing at age 4 and at age 15 started hormones illegally. 
I have been to countless therapy with no solution to why I hate myself so much. I lived as a female since age 15 and at 63 I totally lost myself of being a woman and a human. I have been trying to find another HRT doctor but living in wonderful souther California (Pasadena) these days is very difficult. I’m going to have a talk with my doctor that has been in the community for a long time to see whats going on with me. This doctor for some reason don’t believe in blood test to monitor hormone levels. I have taken two hormones shots a month and now I notice they don’t do anything for my mental state. I have tried pellets, pills , injection and nothing is working anymore. My body is not accepting the HRT anymore after all of these years. Now I notice after all of those years I am being clocked heavily more just by people looking at me. I look extremely mad and disgusted with myself these days. I was just talking to my CIS partner tonight and she suffers with extreme arthritics all over her body and I just now told her I wish I could have all of her pain transfer to me where she can live a happier live. 
 Its to a point now that I am totally isolated from society. I don’t like people and I try to stay distance. This is no life and I know I will carry this to my grave of not experiencing of being happy.  I'm post-op SRS since the 1980's. I believe I am a rare cause of a transgender woman experiencing negative effects of long HRT in-take. I have found that when I inject HRT the opposite happens that I get more anger and hating myself and others around me. I know if I keep going in this state of mind I am going to end up in extreme serious legal problems. I don't feel like a human and more. I don't feel feminine anymore. I'm just an disgusting object just exist. I have in the passed been shut down from our own community and disrespected to the fullest. Totally mis-gendered by my own community. I don't have any family or friends. I have done everything on my own since the early 80' way before internet.  Here a photo what I use to be and now I look like worst then dog poooo. 

DSC02968.jpg

Photo on 11-18-20 at 10.24 PM.jpg

Link to comment

Hi Rosalina,

 

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  The feelings that you describe may be the result of emotional trauma that is lurking in your subconscious mind.  If you wish to explore this subject, there are a number of videos on YouTube, by a lady called Irene Lyon, that I have found extremely helpful.

 

Robin.

Link to comment

Rosalina,

 

I would say you look tired, maybe a bit unhappy in the lower photo, but to me the image says "all woman."  I think we all tend to lament the loss of that girlish femininity we enjoyed when younger.  I know it's difficult, but if we can accept the ageing process as a normal cycle of life, maybe we can avoid the negative thoughts that can come with it.

 

Don't sell yourself short sweetie, I think you are beautiful.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 158 Guests (See full list)

    • KayC
    • violet r
    • VickySGV
    • AllieJ
    • MaeBe
    • RaineOnYourParade
    • Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • Davie
      Incredible news for transgender and abortion providers and patients in Maine. Despite violent threats, Gov. Janet Mills of Maine has signed a sanctuary bill into law. It even enshrines WPATH Standards of Care as protected by Maine.   https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1782894991368462520/photo/1
    • Davie
      Incredible news for transgender and abortion providers and patients in Maine. Despite violent threats, Gov. Janet Mills of Maine has signed a sanctuary bill into law. It even enshrines WPATH Standards of Care as protected by Maine.   https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1782894991368462520/photo/1
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Basically my only source of validation is from close friends who know I'm trans 😅   I'm not a very masculine-looking guy in general, and I've had to stop binding due to pain, so strangers and physical validation aren't things I can get. My family still uses she/her pronouns and female terms with me, so there's not much validation at home, either.   I'm grateful I have friends that are willing to use my pronouns and such, though. It makes me feel a lot better.
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • violet r
      This is a question I ask myself all the time. When I'm out I hope that I can some what pass
    • violet r
      I use my  chosen name online and when ever I can. I play some online game and only go by that name. That is how everyone there know me. Yes it does feel great to be called the name you prefer. 
    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...