Lost my Ability to be a human and My Happiness of being a Woman is in the Passed

[Rosalina101011]

I’m happy for all the trans people who are living their lives the way they are meant to be. I struggle for many decades (6 decades) to love myself and to be kind to others but I have failed. I started cross dressing at age 4 and at age 15 started hormones illegally. 
I have been to countless therapy with no solution to why I hate myself so much. I lived as a female since age 15 and at 63 I totally lost myself of being a woman and a human. I have been trying to find another HRT doctor but living in wonderful souther California (Pasadena) these days is very difficult. I’m going to have a talk with my doctor that has been in the community for a long time to see whats going on with me. This doctor for some reason don’t believe in blood test to monitor hormone levels. I have taken two hormones shots a month and now I notice they don’t do anything for my mental state. I have tried pellets, pills , injection and nothing is working anymore. My body is not accepting the HRT anymore after all of these years. Now I notice after all of those years I am being clocked heavily more just by people looking at me. I look extremely mad and disgusted with myself these days. I was just talking to my CIS partner tonight and she suffers with extreme arthritics all over her body and I just now told her I wish I could have all of her pain transfer to me where she can live a happier live. 
 Its to a point now that I am totally isolated from society. I don’t like people and I try to stay distance. This is no life and I know I will carry this to my grave of not experiencing of being happy.  I'm post-op SRS since the 1980's. I believe I am a rare cause of a transgender woman experiencing negative effects of long HRT in-take. I have found that when I inject HRT the opposite happens that I get more anger and hating myself and others around me. I know if I keep going in this state of mind I am going to end up in extreme serious legal problems. I don't feel like a human and more. I don't feel feminine anymore. I'm just an disgusting object just exist. I have in the passed been shut down from our own community and disrespected to the fullest. Totally mis-gendered by my own community. I don't have any family or friends. I have done everything on my own since the early 80' way before internet.  Here a photo what I use to be and now I look like worst then dog poooo. 

[Robin]

Hi Rosalina,

 

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  The feelings that you describe may be the result of emotional trauma that is lurking in your subconscious mind.  If you wish to explore this subject, there are a number of videos on YouTube, by a lady called Irene Lyon, that I have found extremely helpful.

 

Robin.

[Rosalina101011]

Thank you Robin,  

[Jennifer T]

I have no words. ? I can only offer prayers for your peace. 

[Ivy]

This sounds hard.  I hope you can find peace soon.

[Sally Stone]

Rosalina,

 

I would say you look tired, maybe a bit unhappy in the lower photo, but to me the image says "all woman."  I think we all tend to lament the loss of that girlish femininity we enjoyed when younger.  I know it's difficult, but if we can accept the ageing process as a normal cycle of life, maybe we can avoid the negative thoughts that can come with it.

 

Don't sell yourself short sweetie, I think you are beautiful.