Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Scared but moving forward.


Kellianne

Recommended Posts

Good morning ?

 

      So, I have finally reach a point in my life where I have to be true to the real me. Ever since I was young I knew I should have been a girl but, through enforced male roles, a masculine body, no support or understanding, I have hidden it my entire life. I have found a wonderful partner who is supportive and I can openly be me with her. I have read a lot of stuff on the internet about later life transition and I find it is similar to Googling "I have a runny nose and cough" and being told you have everything from Ebola to a Broken Leg ?.

      So, I come here to ask you wonderful ladies who have been trough it, or know someone who has, what my expectations can be at 52. I know obviously there are better results the younger you start but, some places tell me little to no results at this age to breast, hip, butt, thigh development and not much change to skin or hair growth. I have seen some that say you can have, almost the same results it just takes longer, as if you had stared earlier. 

      I know everything is based on individual genetics, but I am very interested to hear actual testimonials, if you wish to share. Thank you for any helpful advice/answers you can provide.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Salutations @Kellianne and welcome to Transpulse!

 

Well, I started transition at 48. Specifically, I got my first dose of HRT (patches) in June of 2018. My picture is just me (plus a wig, I have alopecia) and I've got a gallery of pictures over here Jackie's Pics. Those are about a year old now but I've got a couple more scattered around the site in various posts. Mostly me in gymwear.

 

So what I've experienced after two years. I've got breasts. They're small, but sensitive and still growing (at least that's what I tell myself). My butt is slowly changing shape due to HRT and exercise. I've got a waist now. I think that's mostly exercise though. I work my abs three times a week. I've got just the barest appearance of hips. My face looks better because fat redistribution. I realize I've also got good cheekbones, dimples and a narrow chin which helps immensely. I haven't been mis-gendered in ages.

 

My flexibility is better. My sense of smell has improved dramatically (mixed blessing). My skin is softer and more sensitive. I no longer stink (men stink, I'm sorry, but you do). My voice passes, but that has more to do with hard work than anything the HRT did. I strongly recommend voice lessons. That's an important lesson: You get out of transition what you put into it. Don't expect the hormones to do all the work. HRT won't help you talk or walk like a woman for example. There's a learning curve and when you look at a genetic woman, remember that her appearance isn't free. She's got a beauty regimen, you just don't see that part.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Kelliane.  I got started at 63.  Unfortunately i didn't turn 21, and just beautiful. Instead I have found comfort in being myself.  I have cute breasts, not large but all mine.  Body hair is thinner and grows much slower.  I'm generally softer.  All those physical changes mean little compared to the comfort i now feel in living without shame or fear.  I'm 72 now and happier than i have ever been.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thank you Jackie and yes I have already looked into voice lessons, FFS, and wigs will be my friend because I lost my hair on top in my late 20's. I know learning to walk and move more femininely as well are key important factors. Learning makeup and fashion as well I am sure are key. I am glad to hear you are seeing changes in all physical areas to some degree. I hope I have similar results :)

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Charlize mentions an excellent point: Mental changes.

 

The big one is that I can think. The mental static is gone and I feel comfortable just being me. I'm also more empathic and emotional. I feel freaking amazing honestly. There's probably a zillion little tweaks the HRT made in my brain that I don't notice individually, but together they make me calm, comfortable, just generally more pleasant to be around.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you Charlize and that is key, feeling comfortable with who you are. I so long to feel that and not the shame, sadness, dysphoria and hopelessnes  that has dominated much of my life.

Link to comment

Hi Kellianne.

I'm 70 now and have been on HRT for a couple of years. (E for a year and a half)   Physical changes have been slow in coming but they are happening.  It took awhile, but my boobettes are there, growing, and quite real.

I know my skin is softer.  Body hair grows much slower, and I think facial hair as well, although I still need to shave.

I believe my mind works a little differently - but then it never did work quite in a "male" manner.

Some mannerisms that I had trained myself out of to get by as a guy have returned.   But I doubt that that had much to do with the hormones.

In short, even older girls can have results.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Kellianne and welcome.  I started at 61 and have experienced all the above.  I am calmer now and have much softer skin.  So don't be fearful of not achieving some or all of what you want.  You are certainly not too old.  This whole process has made me a much happier person.  

 

I like your google notation!

 

Jani

Link to comment

Jani,

    Thank you very much. I am excited to start looking into the next steps. I am however unsure what you mean by Google notation?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Kellianne,

I have not medically transitioned, so I can't speak with any experience on that. But I do have experience with your fears and doubts.

 

I was 50 or 51 when I first accepted myself as being trans. I saw so many You Tube video's with young trans women. That's what I wanted to go back to. Such thoughts and desires are so very normal for us who are advancing in age. I had to accept myself with or without medical transition as a 50+ year old woman, not a 20 year old woman.

 

I do wish I could afford some medical transition at least. I really think it has more to do with how I would feel inside about myself than how I would look outside. And that, after all, is the most important thing. 

 

So my thoughts on this are that one shouldn't allow age and fear to justify not doing something to feel happier and better about ourselves if we are able to.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

I had to accept myself with or without medical transition as a 50+ year old woman, not a 20 year old woman.

Yeah.  It seems that a lot of the youtubers are young, although you can find some older girls.

You really have to be realistic with yourself.  HRT does make me feel like a teenager at times.  But I'm still 70 years old and accept that.  Actually, being an old lady ain't so bad.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, Jandi said:

But I'm still 70 years old and accept that.

 

Pfft. One of my best friends is 68. There is no doubt in my mind that she could snap me in half like a twig if she chose to. I plan to be every bit as energetic, elegant and active when I get there myself.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Pfft. One of my best friends is 68. There is no doubt in my mind that she could snap me in half like a twig if she chose to. I plan to be every bit as energetic, elegant and active when I get there myself.

Oh, yes. When I go hiking I find folks in their 70s in the most remote places. I wish I had (now) the energy they do. I plan to be one of them when I'm 70. Find me in the peaks.

Link to comment

Thank you all, I am feeling way more confident about the decision. I know it will not be an easy road but, I think I can finally see part of the real me now in a way I never could before. Until now life has been almost accepting, hit a spiral of shame and depression, tossing everything and questioning why I am this way and hating myself. Finally having found someone who accepts me for me has been my turning point and regardless of age I am looking forward to this finally be the time I can step over the line I have always turned back at. The encouragement and support here is very helpful and I am so glad I found these boards.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 11/28/2020 at 4:17 AM, Kellianne said:

I know everything is based on individual genetics, but I am very interested to hear actual testimonials, if you wish to share. Thank you for any helpful advice/answers you can provide.

Welcome to our forums, Kellianne, You are not at all too old by a long stretch to transition with great results both physically and emotionally. It’s so much more than all physical changes that can make your life better. The most important thing is your happiness. Many who are looking for the physical changes prior to transition find this out in time. We have so many threads here expounding on the pleasures of becoming true to yourself at all ages. It’s difficult but it helps to keep an open and positive mind going into it and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with your overall progress.

 

I will add that for me it was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made for myself. I can’t imagine where I’d be right now if I was still living my old persona. 

 

Here’s to your upcoming journey?,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Thank you Susan and that is what I am truly hoping for. Being able to accept myself has to happen first and that has been my biggest problem, launching myself over the hurdle of not only being told this is the wrong way for me to be, but feeling ugly and stupid for not knowing how to make myself look good, then my mind starts spiraling out of control. Once i can get over the self loathing, negative feelings, I can enjoy the journey hopefully.

Link to comment

I always thought I was mental or somehow broken. I would try to fit in but, the emotional me could never be silenced. Though some have tried. I envied the girls for their lovely hair and beautiful styles. I also knew that everyone around me, would not like that about me so, I kept my truest desires to myself. It is difficult, in my opinion, to not really be enough man or woman to fully fit in with either. I let that feeling of fear and rejection hold me back for a very long time. It was terrifying and exhilarating when I finally started to accept my feelings and give them some room to develop. I got some really great advice on how to help myself along the way. One thing was to start with little acts that might make me feel better but, not cause immediate irreversible outcomes that I could possibly regret. Things like nail polish and dressing feminine. If they didn't help me feel good about myself, then I would have felt some concern. To be honest, I felt great and that made me want to take other social steps to see how that felt. Not everyone has been supportive but, the few that have are the best people I will ever know. I like the young trans people that make content for Youtube. They are accelerating awareness and hope worldwide. They have a chance many hear haven't but I think they are very critical to transgender rights. My body and my soul were not a perfect match but, who I am and how I have tried to treat others has always very much aligned. 

 

Main thing is to just take your time, you have plenty. Don't force yourself to make fast moves out of fear. Take time to enjoy the process or what is the point in it anyhow?

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Abi said:

One thing was to start with little acts that might make me feel better but, not cause immediate irreversible outcomes that I could possibly regret. Things like nail polish and dressing feminine. If they didn't help me feel good about myself, then I would have felt some concern.

I started like this too.  The more I did, the more I became convinced that I wasn't crazy, just trans.

Link to comment

Thank you Abi, that is sage advice. 

Quote

I envied the girls for their lovely hair and beautiful styles. I also knew that everyone around me, would not like that about me so, I kept my truest desires to myself. It is difficult, in my opinion, to not really be enough man or woman to fully fit in with either.

I felt the same envy but, being raised by a "Manly man" family and scared of my desire to be feminine, it was so suppressed for a long time it was not until maybe 10 years ago those feelings started to re-surface. I never had a problem fitting in with "the guys" because my body and mannerism are extremely masculine. Although it made it easier in earlier life to feel accepted by one group, it is now the opposite feeling and what frightens me the most. My inner thoughts of "will I ever look female enough for me to be happy. Part of my dysphoria comes from dressing and feeling ugly. It feels right, right up until i catch a glimpse in the mirror, otherwise walking around the apartment feels wonderful. It is just an issue I have to work past.

 

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/30/2020 at 7:36 AM, Kellianne said:

Thank you Susan and that is what I am truly hoping for. Being able to accept myself has to happen first and that has been my biggest problem, launching myself over the hurdle of not only being told this is the wrong way for me to be, but feeling ugly and stupid for not knowing how to make myself look good, then my mind starts spiraling out of control. Once i can get over the self loathing, negative feelings, I can enjoy the journey hopefully.

Hi Kellianne. I'm just getting on HRT at 54. We can do this!!

 

Link to comment
On 11/30/2020 at 1:01 PM, Jandi said:

I started like this too.  The more I did, the more I became convinced that I wasn't crazy, just trans.

Congrats on finding this group and the courage to post! I'm still new here and much like you just trying to figure all this out. This group is wonderful! 

I'm in my 40s and married and have a small supportive circle that I've opened up to. That has been a tremendous help to me. It is a huge help to have a friend say, "I'm so proud of you for having the courage to explore your true self." It takes away some of the fear and the shame. 

It takes time. Let it. Try things out. Play! I found good tips googling: how to transition before HRT. 

Get a counselor. Hair removal was big for me. A shift in clothing style. Hair style. There are lots of things you can do to help figure out of transition is right for you.

Talk to your spouse and your allies as much as possible.

I'm glad you are hear and taking this step!

-Jamie

Link to comment

I'mma people are finding out about me and I don't care anymore 62 I've been cross-dressing for many years in a closet. Like you I know I should have been born a woman and actually May 4th I started on hormones but after two months I got scared and stopped. I'm ready to start back up again because I need to be true to myself. It just feels right dressing and being a female I don't have to explain cuz you know.  Slow but sure people are starting to find out the true me and I'm not even embarrassed anymore.

IMG_20201217_194546550.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Why would you be embarrassed? You look great!

 

Also, you should never dress in closets. Unless your closet is huge and has a mirror. Otherwise there's not enough room to get dressed smoothly and you can't check to make sure everything's straight and looks nice. ?

 

In all seriousness though, congratulations! I hope your continued transition brings you happiness and peace.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 119 Guests (See full list)

    • Carolyn Marie
    • Stacie.H
    • VickySGV
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
    • Sally Stone
      April, I'm so glad things went well when you came out to your spouse.  So often, things can go sideways.  It's a hurdle we all have to jump at some point.
    • violet r
      I totally understand what you just said. I can relate to this very well. I have a lot.of similar feelings.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...