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Scared but moving forward.


Kellianne

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Good morning 😀

 

      So, I have finally reach a point in my life where I have to be true to the real me. Ever since I was young I knew I should have been a girl but, through enforced male roles, a masculine body, no support or understanding, I have hidden it my entire life. I have found a wonderful partner who is supportive and I can openly be me with her. I have read a lot of stuff on the internet about later life transition and I find it is similar to Googling "I have a runny nose and cough" and being told you have everything from Ebola to a Broken Leg 🤣.

      So, I come here to ask you wonderful ladies who have been trough it, or know someone who has, what my expectations can be at 52. I know obviously there are better results the younger you start but, some places tell me little to no results at this age to breast, hip, butt, thigh development and not much change to skin or hair growth. I have seen some that say you can have, almost the same results it just takes longer, as if you had stared earlier. 

      I know everything is based on individual genetics, but I am very interested to hear actual testimonials, if you wish to share. Thank you for any helpful advice/answers you can provide.

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Salutations @Kellianne and welcome to Transpulse!

 

Well, I started transition at 48. Specifically, I got my first dose of HRT (patches) in June of 2018. My picture is just me (plus a wig, I have alopecia) and I've got a gallery of pictures over here Jackie's Pics. Those are about a year old now but I've got a couple more scattered around the site in various posts. Mostly me in gymwear.

 

So what I've experienced after two years. I've got breasts. They're small, but sensitive and still growing (at least that's what I tell myself). My butt is slowly changing shape due to HRT and exercise. I've got a waist now. I think that's mostly exercise though. I work my abs three times a week. I've got just the barest appearance of hips. My face looks better because fat redistribution. I realize I've also got good cheekbones, dimples and a narrow chin which helps immensely. I haven't been mis-gendered in ages.

 

My flexibility is better. My sense of smell has improved dramatically (mixed blessing). My skin is softer and more sensitive. I no longer stink (men stink, I'm sorry, but you do). My voice passes, but that has more to do with hard work than anything the HRT did. I strongly recommend voice lessons. That's an important lesson: You get out of transition what you put into it. Don't expect the hormones to do all the work. HRT won't help you talk or walk like a woman for example. There's a learning curve and when you look at a genetic woman, remember that her appearance isn't free. She's got a beauty regimen, you just don't see that part.

 

Hugs!

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Welcome Kelliane.  I got started at 63.  Unfortunately i didn't turn 21, and just beautiful. Instead I have found comfort in being myself.  I have cute breasts, not large but all mine.  Body hair is thinner and grows much slower.  I'm generally softer.  All those physical changes mean little compared to the comfort i now feel in living without shame or fear.  I'm 72 now and happier than i have ever been.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Thank you Jackie and yes I have already looked into voice lessons, FFS, and wigs will be my friend because I lost my hair on top in my late 20's. I know learning to walk and move more femininely as well are key important factors. Learning makeup and fashion as well I am sure are key. I am glad to hear you are seeing changes in all physical areas to some degree. I hope I have similar results :)

 

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@Charlize mentions an excellent point: Mental changes.

 

The big one is that I can think. The mental static is gone and I feel comfortable just being me. I'm also more empathic and emotional. I feel freaking amazing honestly. There's probably a zillion little tweaks the HRT made in my brain that I don't notice individually, but together they make me calm, comfortable, just generally more pleasant to be around.

 

Hugs!

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Thank you Charlize and that is key, feeling comfortable with who you are. I so long to feel that and not the shame, sadness, dysphoria and hopelessnes  that has dominated much of my life.

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Hi Kellianne.

I'm 70 now and have been on HRT for a couple of years. (E for a year and a half)   Physical changes have been slow in coming but they are happening.  It took awhile, but my boobettes are there, growing, and quite real.

I know my skin is softer.  Body hair grows much slower, and I think facial hair as well, although I still need to shave.

I believe my mind works a little differently - but then it never did work quite in a "male" manner.

Some mannerisms that I had trained myself out of to get by as a guy have returned.   But I doubt that that had much to do with the hormones.

In short, even older girls can have results.

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Hello Kellianne and welcome.  I started at 61 and have experienced all the above.  I am calmer now and have much softer skin.  So don't be fearful of not achieving some or all of what you want.  You are certainly not too old.  This whole process has made me a much happier person.  

 

I like your google notation!

 

Jani

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Jani,

    Thank you very much. I am excited to start looking into the next steps. I am however unsure what you mean by Google notation?

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Hi Kellianne,

I have not medically transitioned, so I can't speak with any experience on that. But I do have experience with your fears and doubts.

 

I was 50 or 51 when I first accepted myself as being trans. I saw so many You Tube video's with young trans women. That's what I wanted to go back to. Such thoughts and desires are so very normal for us who are advancing in age. I had to accept myself with or without medical transition as a 50+ year old woman, not a 20 year old woman.

 

I do wish I could afford some medical transition at least. I really think it has more to do with how I would feel inside about myself than how I would look outside. And that, after all, is the most important thing. 

 

So my thoughts on this are that one shouldn't allow age and fear to justify not doing something to feel happier and better about ourselves if we are able to.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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2 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

I had to accept myself with or without medical transition as a 50+ year old woman, not a 20 year old woman.

Yeah.  It seems that a lot of the youtubers are young, although you can find some older girls.

You really have to be realistic with yourself.  HRT does make me feel like a teenager at times.  But I'm still 70 years old and accept that.  Actually, being an old lady ain't so bad.

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2 hours ago, Jandi said:

But I'm still 70 years old and accept that.

 

Pfft. One of my best friends is 68. There is no doubt in my mind that she could snap me in half like a twig if she chose to. I plan to be every bit as energetic, elegant and active when I get there myself.

 

Hugs!

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3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Pfft. One of my best friends is 68. There is no doubt in my mind that she could snap me in half like a twig if she chose to. I plan to be every bit as energetic, elegant and active when I get there myself.

Oh, yes. When I go hiking I find folks in their 70s in the most remote places. I wish I had (now) the energy they do. I plan to be one of them when I'm 70. Find me in the peaks.

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Thank you all, I am feeling way more confident about the decision. I know it will not be an easy road but, I think I can finally see part of the real me now in a way I never could before. Until now life has been almost accepting, hit a spiral of shame and depression, tossing everything and questioning why I am this way and hating myself. Finally having found someone who accepts me for me has been my turning point and regardless of age I am looking forward to this finally be the time I can step over the line I have always turned back at. The encouragement and support here is very helpful and I am so glad I found these boards.

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On 11/28/2020 at 4:17 AM, Kellianne said:

I know everything is based on individual genetics, but I am very interested to hear actual testimonials, if you wish to share. Thank you for any helpful advice/answers you can provide.

Welcome to our forums, Kellianne, You are not at all too old by a long stretch to transition with great results both physically and emotionally. It’s so much more than all physical changes that can make your life better. The most important thing is your happiness. Many who are looking for the physical changes prior to transition find this out in time. We have so many threads here expounding on the pleasures of becoming true to yourself at all ages. It’s difficult but it helps to keep an open and positive mind going into it and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with your overall progress.

 

I will add that for me it was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made for myself. I can’t imagine where I’d be right now if I was still living my old persona. 

 

Here’s to your upcoming journey😊,

Susan R🌷

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Thank you Susan and that is what I am truly hoping for. Being able to accept myself has to happen first and that has been my biggest problem, launching myself over the hurdle of not only being told this is the wrong way for me to be, but feeling ugly and stupid for not knowing how to make myself look good, then my mind starts spiraling out of control. Once i can get over the self loathing, negative feelings, I can enjoy the journey hopefully.

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I always thought I was mental or somehow broken. I would try to fit in but, the emotional me could never be silenced. Though some have tried. I envied the girls for their lovely hair and beautiful styles. I also knew that everyone around me, would not like that about me so, I kept my truest desires to myself. It is difficult, in my opinion, to not really be enough man or woman to fully fit in with either. I let that feeling of fear and rejection hold me back for a very long time. It was terrifying and exhilarating when I finally started to accept my feelings and give them some room to develop. I got some really great advice on how to help myself along the way. One thing was to start with little acts that might make me feel better but, not cause immediate irreversible outcomes that I could possibly regret. Things like nail polish and dressing feminine. If they didn't help me feel good about myself, then I would have felt some concern. To be honest, I felt great and that made me want to take other social steps to see how that felt. Not everyone has been supportive but, the few that have are the best people I will ever know. I like the young trans people that make content for Youtube. They are accelerating awareness and hope worldwide. They have a chance many hear haven't but I think they are very critical to transgender rights. My body and my soul were not a perfect match but, who I am and how I have tried to treat others has always very much aligned. 

 

Main thing is to just take your time, you have plenty. Don't force yourself to make fast moves out of fear. Take time to enjoy the process or what is the point in it anyhow?

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1 hour ago, Abi said:

One thing was to start with little acts that might make me feel better but, not cause immediate irreversible outcomes that I could possibly regret. Things like nail polish and dressing feminine. If they didn't help me feel good about myself, then I would have felt some concern.

I started like this too.  The more I did, the more I became convinced that I wasn't crazy, just trans.

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Thank you Abi, that is sage advice. 

Quote

I envied the girls for their lovely hair and beautiful styles. I also knew that everyone around me, would not like that about me so, I kept my truest desires to myself. It is difficult, in my opinion, to not really be enough man or woman to fully fit in with either.

I felt the same envy but, being raised by a "Manly man" family and scared of my desire to be feminine, it was so suppressed for a long time it was not until maybe 10 years ago those feelings started to re-surface. I never had a problem fitting in with "the guys" because my body and mannerism are extremely masculine. Although it made it easier in earlier life to feel accepted by one group, it is now the opposite feeling and what frightens me the most. My inner thoughts of "will I ever look female enough for me to be happy. Part of my dysphoria comes from dressing and feeling ugly. It feels right, right up until i catch a glimpse in the mirror, otherwise walking around the apartment feels wonderful. It is just an issue I have to work past.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/30/2020 at 7:36 AM, Kellianne said:

Thank you Susan and that is what I am truly hoping for. Being able to accept myself has to happen first and that has been my biggest problem, launching myself over the hurdle of not only being told this is the wrong way for me to be, but feeling ugly and stupid for not knowing how to make myself look good, then my mind starts spiraling out of control. Once i can get over the self loathing, negative feelings, I can enjoy the journey hopefully.

Hi Kellianne. I'm just getting on HRT at 54. We can do this!!

 

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On 11/30/2020 at 1:01 PM, Jandi said:

I started like this too.  The more I did, the more I became convinced that I wasn't crazy, just trans.

Congrats on finding this group and the courage to post! I'm still new here and much like you just trying to figure all this out. This group is wonderful! 

I'm in my 40s and married and have a small supportive circle that I've opened up to. That has been a tremendous help to me. It is a huge help to have a friend say, "I'm so proud of you for having the courage to explore your true self." It takes away some of the fear and the shame. 

It takes time. Let it. Try things out. Play! I found good tips googling: how to transition before HRT. 

Get a counselor. Hair removal was big for me. A shift in clothing style. Hair style. There are lots of things you can do to help figure out of transition is right for you.

Talk to your spouse and your allies as much as possible.

I'm glad you are hear and taking this step!

-Jamie

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I'mma people are finding out about me and I don't care anymore 62 I've been cross-dressing for many years in a closet. Like you I know I should have been born a woman and actually May 4th I started on hormones but after two months I got scared and stopped. I'm ready to start back up again because I need to be true to myself. It just feels right dressing and being a female I don't have to explain cuz you know.  Slow but sure people are starting to find out the true me and I'm not even embarrassed anymore.

IMG_20201217_194546550.jpg

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Why would you be embarrassed? You look great!

 

Also, you should never dress in closets. Unless your closet is huge and has a mirror. Otherwise there's not enough room to get dressed smoothly and you can't check to make sure everything's straight and looks nice. 🦊

 

In all seriousness though, congratulations! I hope your continued transition brings you happiness and peace.

 

Hugs!

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