Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

As a male i'm heavily leaning into typical female behaviour


Recommended Posts



Thank you in advance for reading the whole thing - it took me a while to get it done. Also, i do apologize for any incorrect sentences - not a native speaker. I've been asking about this on a different forums too, to get different points of view - hope that's okay.


To be honest, I don't know how to start. Maybe at the beginning I'll say that it's important for me, because time flies through my fingers - months or even years when nothing changes. Under no circumstances is it a topic created for the purpose of provocation or ridicule, so I ask people who treat such matters mockingly not to respond.


Maybe at the beginning I will describe myself a bit. I am currently 24 years old, very short and incredibly slim. The type of beauty I have is frankly misleading, because although I am biologically a man, it happened so often that someone mistook me for a woman.


Since I graduated from elementary school and entered junior high school, my problems began. I still went to primary school in my hometown, but as a result of the split in my family I moved elsewhere. The change of environment, new friends among whom I could not find myself - all this made me run away into four walls and a computer, or at least then it seemed to me like that's the reason.


As the years went by, I was increasingly analyzing my alienation, running away from people. It even happened that the simplest things made me unwilling to get out of bed. While it was still okay in middle school, I completely cut myself off in high school. I avoided my friends by entering into conflicts, I often ran away from school lying to my parents that I was late for the bus or came back after a few hours claiming that we had been let from school earlier.


I've mentioned this period of my life because then I noticed strange tendencies i've started having. Throughout high school I wore long hair. Although my friends have been mocking me for this, I did not particularly care about it. It was also worrying that I didn't seen any sense in dating during the whole middle and high school. I wasn't completely interested in it, because all the time I felt that I was missing something more important.

To get to the heart of the matter.

I'm 24 years old now, and I recently resigned from college. But if seems to me like it all started years ago, around time I've turned 18.


I mentioned earlier that I had long hair in high school. In fact, I have had long hair all the time since I finished high school and there were moments when I asked for typically female hairstyles when going to the hairdresser, which was incomprehensible to my family. My mother, seeing me in such a haircut, didn't really comment, but she seemed surprised. In fact, I have this love for women's hairstyles until now. (so it's been going on for about 6 years now).


At first I ignored it, explaining that "this is just my style". The problem, however, is that the last two years (from the christmas of 2018) I started to go in a strange direction. When browsing through online stores or even stationary stores I looked at women's clothes much more often and willingly. I also often bought small elements of wardrobe, such as socks or beanies typical of women - colored, in hearts etc.


I'll immediately point out that this is not a fetish. I do not interpret it in anyway sexually. I have never been attracted to wearing women's clothes in that way, disguises or such things. Frankly speaking, since finishing high school I completely lost interest in sex and relationships. In principle, I don't even practice masturbation (I do it sporadically, of course, but only for fear that sexual abstinence may lead to illnesses). If I am to be honest, sex in life does not motivate me at all.


Last year was a breakthrough for me. I moved out of my family home, rented an apartment and took up a really cool job. Throughout high school and middle school I have been vegetating at home without any friends or hobbies, so I thought that when I move out of my comfort zone, I will meet new people, everything will change. You know, I thought that I would open up to new things and naturally move away from these "quirks".


Unfortunately, the problem is that my fascination after i've moved out has only increased. It happened that I ordered some clothes over the Internet and started to do make up. Recently I've completely dressed up as a girl, got a full makeup and as i've been standing in front of the mirror I started to have negative thoughts about myself. The standard - that I'm a freak, that I'm wasting money and time, that I should seek professional help and that it's perverted.

As I mentioned earlier - it has no sexual context. I'm not sexually charged at all while doing those things.

I just feel better, more comfortable. Playing such a "female role" at home gives me a sense of comfort.

As a result, I started to analyze a lot and came to the conclusion that I have done similar things in the past, maybe I will explain. Earlier I mentioned that in high school I was running away into computer games and the Internet. It was during my adventures in forums or online games that I most often pretended to be a woman, or played female characters. That happened even when i've been a teenager, so around 12 to 16 years old.


I didn't enjoy lying to people, but I felt good when someone thought I was a woman. I also remember that in my childhood years, even before moving to another city, I used to sneak up to my mother's and sister's wardrobe and began to try their dresses on when I was alone at home.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at that time, so it wasn't a fetish, because I hadn't discovered this part of my life at that age. Again - I felt better then, although I don't remember that period very well. I remember, however, that i've been doing it quite frequently.


Now, as I mentioned, I am already 24 years old, I have a group of good friends and a job - theoretically well arranged life, and yet even today, browsing through black friday offers I consciously browse through women's clothes. Honestly, if I could, I would wear them every day. As I mentioned, it is not about anything unusual(I am not talking about underwear), but about ordinary things like shoes, pants or jackets.


I just don't feel comfortable with who I am and how I look. I do not like what I see in the mirror. 

Already in high school I used to buy colorful T-shirts or blouses with flowers, which of course was commented on by friends in a way "I think you stole this blouse from your sister", but back then nobody took it seriously.


To sum up, I think I may have some personality disorder. This has been going on for too long and i can't no longer think that this is some strange period that will pass.


Whenever someone mistakes me for a woman, it makes me feel good, and in theory it shouldn't. For many years I have also been interested in transgender people's stories - I watch their channels on youtube, follow social media etc. In fact, since I was 20 years old I have often thought for myself whether my life wouldn't be better if I decided on such therapy.


In such a situation, would it be best to go and see some kind of specialist, like a psychologist, or maybe a sexologist? I'm honestly very anxious when it comes to revealing this to anybody "face to face", but i think it would be the right step.

I've been seriously thinking about therapy for about 2 years now, but im always thinking to myself "what if that ""specialist"" won't care enough to actually help me".


I dont know. People are really judgemental and i guess it scares me to the point im paralyzed by that fear.


Again, thanks for reading the entire thing. If you have any comments or similar experiences - please share. I think it would help me to know im not alone. Also, if you have any further questions, feel free to ask. I'm confortable to talk about everything.



Link to post
  • Admin

This is not to put you down, but to reassure you, that your story is very common on these forums.  It has elements that most of us have experienced over our lives and have dealt with.  There is no single right way to deal with these things, and I hope we can share our experiences with you, and you can use the ones best for your life.  Welcome to the Forums.

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

What @VickySGV said. The fact that doing these things makes you feel good means you're probably somewhere on the trans spectrum. Welcome to the club! While we're all unique, parts of your story resonate very strongly with me. I had a lot of the same behaviors. It just took me longer to get to the, "Yeah, I should probably do something about this," stage.


You should definitely hook up with a gender therapist. They'll help you figure out what path going forward will help you to feel more comfortable in your own skin.


I see that your political landscape is a bit challenging to the LGBTQ+ community and trans individuals in particular. I wish you nothing but good luck on your journey and you can always count on us for support.



Link to post

Welcome to Trans Pulse Orzeszek: As others have already said, parts (many parts) of your story resonate with me too. I would second what Jackie C. wrote about seeing a gender therapist if such a professional would be available to you where you live. My personal experience has been that a therapist, or a psychologist, who is not experienced in working with clients who have gender-related concerns can do more harm than good. So, to me at least, it is wise to be cautious. But it's also important to seek professional support with your concerns. So just take your time & find the right therapist for you. It can sometimes take a few tries to find that "right professional for you". You may have to "kiss a few frogs" before you find a good match. But just keep trying. Okay? Best wishes... ☺️ 

Link to post



Thanks a lot @Jackie C. @Overalls Bear @VickySGV


That's actually my biggest concern. I've looked into it today and there are some specialists in my City that have been working on that field. I might get an appointment soon to see how thats gonna go. 


But yea, im afraid that it might do more harm than good. I guess something that's worth having won't come easy, so i have to take a first step.


Its really reassuring to know its a good step. Gives me a lot of motivation, so thank you for that.

Link to post

Welcome Orzeszek.

I would agree with what has already been said.

Your story has much in common with a lot of people here, including myself.

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Hello and welcome.  First, your written word is very good, so no fears there.  I'm glad you found us and joined.  When I was young, up to 18/19 in fact I was very slender and small in stature as well and in the later years I wore my hair long.  I was often confused with being female.  


When I was young I considered that I had some personality disorder too but that was never the case.  I am normal as they come.  Now that I am showing the world the true me this is more true.  


I do think a therapist will be of value.  And yes they do care enough to help you.  My therapist was the most wonderful person I could have had as a counselor.  This is their vocation, to help.  I would seek out a Gender Therapist, a specialist.  A degreed psychologist isn't necessarily important.  My counselor was a Licensed Mental Health Clinician (LMHC) and you may find more availability with this certification.  


Please join in the conversation.  All my best to you.


Link to post


Thank you so much. That's very kind.


Also, i do appreciate your advice. I guess you are right, i'm sure most of the people working on that field are people of passion, who deeply care about their job and well being of their patients.


I'm gonna make some calls after the weekend. I hope i'll be able to start doing something about it by the end of the year. I won't rush anything tho. Wanna make sure i'm gonna work with right person.

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Orzeszek00 said:

I'm gonna make some calls after the weekend. I hope i'll be able to start doing something about it by the end of the year. I won't rush anything tho. Wanna make sure i'm gonna work with right person


That's a good plan. The right person makes all the difference. Best of fortune with your search!



Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   13 Members, 0 Anonymous, 40 Guests (See full list)

    • Linda Marie
    • Maid In Bedlam
    • Gabriel
    • KathyLauren
    • Charlize
    • Stefi
    • Drayse
    • claire1000
    • DeeDee
    • miz miranda
    • ValerieRun
    • Jandi
    • Tasha Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alex.G
    2. GurlinCanton
      (39 years old)
  • Posts

    • Linda Marie
      No turning back. All the dreams come out, now you can't turn back. Now you are face to face with yourself, you think to yourself, what have I done. Where do I go from here?   My no turning back was when I came out. What was yours?  
    • Linda Marie
      Well, when did I know I was in DEEP.... When my sister moved out, she left a lot of clothes. I hit the gold mine! Dresses, panties, hose, the whole nine yards, That is when I knew, I was in DEEP.  
    • Linda Marie
      Gosh, when did I realize I was in deep. Was it the time I dressed upped in my sisters clothes? We shared a bed room back then. Or was it when all I could of think was, I want to wear what's she's wearing?   What woke you up to that  Deep inner person you are today? I gave my hints up there ♥️
    • Dee Jolly
      Hi all! My name is Dee Jolly and I'm a nonbinary researcher at Boston Children's Hospital's Center for Gender Surgery. We're doing an interview study to understand transfeminine people's experiences with needing to discontinue their gender-affirming hormones (particularly estrogen) before a planned surgery and wanted to pass along our information. We are interested in understanding both what it's physically and emotionally like as well as how information is communicated about this process.   We are asking people to participate in a 45-60 minute 1-on-1 interview over Zoom with a member of the research team. People can be located anywhere in the United States or Canada to participate. The audio will be recorded. Participants will only be identified by a pseudonym of their choice to protect anonymity.   To participate, people must be: - Aged 18 years or older - Have been asked to discontinue their gender-affirming hormones (i.e., estrogen) before a planned surgery at a time when they were taking estrogen for a minimum of 12 continuous months (Surgery does not need to be gender-related). - Able to reliably access the internet - Comfortable with having audio recorded (for research purposes only).   For more info and next steps, please email [email protected] or visit cgsresearch.org/estrogen  
    • Linda Marie
      So to finish my dream and outcomes, I hope my story helps those just starting or thinking about coming out. Electrolysis came next, then the meetings, sometimes my wife would take me and read outside, she even baked cake for our meetings. I went through counseling and approved for srs, one thing was in the way...me. I still had obligations to the family. What do I do now? I called HR and my union reps, sent them pictures of me as Linda Yeah that was a rough one. But I had to protect my job. Being a federal employee also helped. We were protected!!!! This is stuff I never DREAMED I would go through.  So now I'm set so what's next. HRT, yes, and approved, also approved for breast implants.  Then I wake up. Why at my age should I go any farther? I have it all as it is, I'm outed to all and free to me at any given time.   As far as the HRT, my doctor who knows all about my lifestyle recommend I not start HRT at my age but he referred  me a plastic surgeon for breast implants, gosh  that was a bright day at the doctor's office. ( will I have them?)  I'm leaning that way. ♥️    
    • Linda Marie
      By now I'm very well known on the circuit and home life has settled. Still the fear in my wife's eyes when I went out.  I had been noticing this for a while now and finally asked her, and she blind sided me again. She told me she was scared I would not come back home, she said, and believe this...I'm scared the -transgender- circus will take you away from me. The -transgender- Circus...never heard that one before she had said it. I had a good laugh, and we both laughed. waking up from a dream I stated calling her every chance I had while I was out as Linda. I mean at least 3 times a night. I kept her up dated, Then.....electrolysis...the the meetings, counseling, ext. And finally where we are at today.  We have been married 45 years now, rain or shine♥️   
    • Jackie C.
      That's OK. I was terrible at being a boy. Hyper-masculinity wouldn't have worked (it would have been downright silly really) for me either. Things eventually worked out though.   I tried scouts when I was little to fit in with the other guys. What a disaster. I wasn't interested in anything the scout handbook had to offer and found the meetings incredibly boring. I'm also allergic to, basically, the outdoors.   While lots of girls go the hyper-masculine route to prove that they're men not all of us do. Not everybody gets an "AHA!" moment either. I had one, but it sounds like you were sure without one. Good for you.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      I'm glad you're happy. Surprised there's no hoodie. I thought those were required by the FtM Authority. (Snark, obviously, wear what makes you happy. I'm glad you're happy.)   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Hi Dawn and welcome to Transpulse!   Honestly, you're doing great. Be supportive, help them make decisions and, above all, love your son. You're a good parent. Don't let anybody tell you different. You may make mistakes from time to time as you adjust, but your mad parenting skills are rock solid. The world needs more parents like you.   If you're going to seek medical intervention, you should seek out a gender therapist as soon as possible. I don't know how bad your son's dysphoria is, but it could save them a ton of anxiety if they don't have to watch their body mature in a way they don't want it to. Puberty blockers, despite what certain elements would have you think, are perfectly safe, reversible (honestly they should be called puberty delayers), and were approved by the FDA back in 1973.   So yeah, feel free to ask us anything. We're glad you're here and we're here to help!   Hugs!
    • Linda Marie
      Waking up from a dream, yeah, by now I have 4 outfits, I dress up a lot, make up and all, still only dress up at home, and then. She breaks down. She unloads on me screaming and crying. I was blind sided by this, I thought all was good until this moment. I'm dressed up and she comes in and starts to scream at me. She really wasn't screaming at her husband, she was screaming at the person he was becoming.   The following week came the next volley. Now wife and our daughter tag team me with the screaming and kill you tears in their eyes. How did I handle all this? So far my daughter who was 20 at the time, my wife of 24 years at the time, and my son who at the time was 17. I mean I'm surrounded by screaming all blaming me for lying to them all these years. I was really tired of hearing the cry's at night, and totally sick of being blamed.    I sat them down, told them I will leave if you wish, if you wish me to stay, stop blaming me, and then we chilled out or I thought. When I got my name Linda Marie all hell broke loose again. It seemed to never end, all is well, then boom, all falls apart.... 
    • Jani
      At first I thought you were writing about having a dream when you slept, but I saw it was about "future dreams."   Its hard.  Before I came out I never thought much about life beyond what I was living.  Once i made the decision it opened up possibilities.  I figured relationships would go where they would.  So far its been good for me.  You are correct that in reality we do have three choices, be happy, be sad and/or just roll with it.    Cheers, Jani
    • Drayse
      My title refers to the original name of the day. It is working women who lead the charge for women's rights even today, but they get the least coverage.   If you're retired, you are a working woman. Hopefully society is looking after you for your services.   If you're a homemaker, you are a working woman usually working without pay.   If you're a breadwinner, you are a working woman, often a minimum wages.   Some corporate heads are working women, others have never been. But the struggle of working women has been what has increased their freedoms as well.   All women deserve the rights that have been gained. Let's acknowledge those who are on the front line every day today. 😊
    • Drayse
      I think I've mentioned it several times in previous threads, but I tried most of my names in gaming settings. When my therapist asked me if I had chosen a name I had already settled on Drayse. I've been Dot, Jacylene, Wisp, Tannia and various names I can't even remember, but only Drayse felt right. An old English rendition of dragon. I knew it was the right name as soon as I completed chargen and entered the game.
    • Shay
      In one way or another - young or old - surviving on minimum wage or retired or heading a corporation - all women deserve more than a day - but we'll take what we can get. May all of you feel a hug of appreciation from me today - for ALL YOU DO.
    • Shay
      Hello Dawn, Welcome to TP. There are some amazing people here, many with similar backgrounds and questions and all are great listeners, supporters and share opinions and advice based on personal experiences and more importantly based on love. Hope you find this forum filled with what you need. Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...