Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Overcoming anxiety about passing in the future


Audrey

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty new to the forums and early in my transition. One of the things I'm struggling with a lot with right now is the fear of not being able to pass in the future the way I hope to. I'm sure this a familiar feeling for many of you here, and I would love some guidance and support around this issue. I'm grateful I have friends and professionals to confide in as well.

One thing i am doing is saying positive affirmations to myself about things that I am thankful and fortunate for during my transition - like having a full head of hair at my age and having small breasts already at the start of hormone therapy. That helps to soothe my fears around passing somewhat, like having a deep voice - that's my biggest worry, as I work in a profession where my voice is my main tool. I imagine I will see myself differently as my transition progresses and my body becomes more in line with my identity and my confidence grows.

Thank you in advance for your kindness,

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment
  • Admin

I just updated my profile picture today and it shows the real me of just a month or two ago.  I don't fully go for the before and after shot thing, but you will grow into your new self over time. I have been out for 12 years.  I am simply me by now and those who knew me have changed along with me in many ways and they see nothing strange about me.

As for the voice thing, I am involved with a group of 40+ Trans people who sing as a chorus out on my coast and our voices do not always perfectly match the gender we prefer to live in.  Some of our deep Baritones are cute younger women, and we have had Trans Men drop from High Tenor or Alto to the deepest Baritone.  Male to Female voices do not do that, but you will do fine I am sure.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Audrey said:

saying positive affirmations to myself about things that I am thankful and fortunate for during my transition

This is great.  One of the best "passing" tools is confidence.  Feeling good about yourself is a positive move.  Keep going.  

Link to comment

I agree self confidence is your best tool. The positive attitude helps a lot too. I know how the voice thing is. I'm on the phone all day, most days. At least once a day I have a customer ask me to repeat my name or ask if I really said Elizabeth. I know it's my voice that does it. I just confirm my name and go on with my day. I am who I am. As far as the future and passing in public? Especially when the time of face masks is a memory. I already have some confidence but will have more than enough to pass all the time.

Link to comment

A. Vicky LOVE I MEAN LOVE the new pic Elisabeth is right about the old one.

 

B. Confidence is key, but its easier said then done...I will go  weeks with little to none and all kind of thoughts will pop into my head. So you need to practice  it.

 

C. Audrey you are two steps ahead of the game

1. you have hair BIG PLUS,

2. you have a job which hopefully has a good HC so ask about Vocal therapy its covered under trans care

Link to comment

Thank you everyone for your kind replies! I'm striving to keep the most optimistic mental outlook that I can when it comes to passing in the future. Early on in my transition, it's pretty hard to look in the mirror and imagine the transformation because it's still abstract. It's so much easier to see flaws and dwell on them rather than see strengths and celebrate them. On the other hand, I have found tremendous joy in accepting myself after years of hiding and even resisting it, and even more joy in coming out to two close friends who are turning into incredible allies.

 

@Lexi C I have looked pretty deeply into the employer health insurance. The good news is that there's coverage in terms of hormone therapy, mental health, and bottom surgery. The bad news is that the underwriters were deliberate to exclude many areas of medical transitioning that are major sources of dysphoria for me and many others, like voice therapy / surgery, hair removal, facial feminization, and so on. I feel like there's some advocacy efforts to be made there - the perception seems to be that gender dysphoria is mostly about genitalia, when in fact it's far more nuanced than that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment
17 hours ago, Audrey said:

imagine I will see myself differently as my transition progresses and my body becomes more in line with my identity and my confidence grows.

Thank you in advance for your kindness,

Love,

~Audrey.

Yes.  I've been socially transitioning for 6 months and HRT for 3 and I can tell you I was worried about being "outed" all the time in the beginning but as I've slowly become more accustomed to being "me" I don't worry about what others see as much.  I've made a lot of progress in this regard because of all the positive experiences I've had and so few negative ones.  I'm blessed in that regard.  SUrround yourself with support and you will gain more and more confidence which in turn will make you being you more natural and free.

Link to comment

huh..If you can switch or some how did a Medical not Medicare sub they will cover. Also check in with LBGT center in the city..THEY WILL DEF help you out with the HC. Those ALL such be cover. 

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

Link to comment

Thanks @Lexi C... the employer sponsored plan is actually pretty good except that's really regressive when it comes to covering gender-affirming treatments. Secondary insurance may be a good option for me, and I'm working with someone who might be able to give some guidance on that. Even buying it might save money in the long run, if this sort of thing is possible (not really sure).

 

Also thanks @Bri2020... your story fills me with hope! it really helps to know that my super high anxiety can improve especially in these challenging early months of transition. I feel like the anticipation is worse than the reality, sort of like my fear of flying (pre COVID-19, that is).

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment
On 12/2/2020 at 6:55 PM, Audrey said:

Thanks @Lexi C... the employer sponsored plan is actually pretty good except that's really regressive when it comes to covering gender-affirming treatments. Secondary insurance may be a good option for me, and I'm working with someone who might be able to give some guidance on that. Even buying it might save money in the long run, if this sort of thing is possible (not really sure).

 

It is so state dependent. Depending on your job situation and your plans you may want to consider changing employers to one that offers coverage.  Here's a list from 2019 that offered at least one procedure. https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/corporate-equality-index-list-of-businesses-with-transgender-inclusive-health-insurance-benefits

You would have to ask for a copy of their insurance coverage once a job is offered to see specifics.  Generally if you buy your own it can cover procedures but may depend on specific plan you buy.  I buy my own since i'm an independent biz owner and at 55 years old pay about $7500 a year for the best plan offered by Kaiser. They cover EVERYTHING including some electrolysis.  That's a steal compared to what everything would cost out of pocket. I'm also lucky that I'm in a position in life to be able to afford that.  Unfortunately they aren't in NY.  If you could find a job that offers telework and is based in a trans-friendly state like the whole west coast, Colorado or the Maryland/VA/DC then the employer policy would be based out of those states and most like offer coverage.  Honestly, If I were a younger person without ties to a physical location and wanting to medically transition I would move to Colorado or the west coast and work any job I could just to facilitate the 2-3 years of medical coverage.  

 

Link to comment
On 12/2/2020 at 3:40 AM, Audrey said:

deliberate to exclude many areas of medical transitioning that are major sources of dysphoria for me and many others, like voice therapy / surgery, hair removal, facial feminization, and so on. I feel like there's some advocacy efforts to be made there - the perception seems to be that gender dysphoria is mostly about genitalia, when in fact it's far more nuanced than that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Kaiser Permanente covers all of that (unless you are on the Obama Care plan)

Link to comment

Thanks so much for your reply @Bri2020. I have an appointment next week with someone who's probably pretty knowledgeable about health insurance and such, and I'll make it a point to explore what my options might be in NY. I'm quite sure I want FFS and I've already started electrolysis so I will need to find something before it breaks the bank. Regrettably I'm a little tied to where I am right now, but fortunately NY is a friendlier state to live in and the resources in the City are outstanding. And thank goodness gender dysphoria can't be called a pre-existing condition.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

@Audrey something I've noticed as I've continued my transition is that even without going through voice therapy it's still possible to have a feminine voice. I still have a relatively deep voice so sometimes I do get misgendered over the phone as a result, but over the years I've picked up a more "womanly" way of speaking and by no means do I think I sound like a man. The phrases you use and the inflection of your voice play just as much of a role in sounding feminine as actually changing the pitch of your voice. 

Link to comment

@Rorelai Thank you for this! I have enjoyed a little success getting a "ma'am" or "miss" on the phone with complete strangers, which is hugely affirming when it happens, but it's still a rarity and I'm convinced it sounds more falsetto than genuine (but maybe not?). I definitely want to improve my speaking voice and sound more feminine without surgery, especially in my line of work where I'm talking all the time. I'll probably opt for some voice therapy to get the best handle on where I can focus my efforts, and how to be mindful of any masculine mannerisms that are beyond my awareness.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, Rorelai said:

The phrases you use and the inflection of your voice play just as much of a role in sounding feminine as actually changing the pitch of your voice. 

 

Yes! That's in line with what I've read, as well. For example, the upper range of a male voice (F3, the F below middle C on the piano) overlaps with the lower range of a female voice -- also F3.   Of course, only a certain percentage of male voices fall naturally at the upper range, so for most MTFs there is a goal of raising the pitch, but it's not as dramatic a pitch change as one might think.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Yeah, getting a female tone has a lot more to do with vocal resonance, mannerisms and a little softening. I speak about a note below female average (about 230 Mhz... now). The vocal mannerisms were mostly easy to do because I did them already. Learning not to drop pitch at the end of every sentence was hard, but I got it eventually.

For example: Men speak in a monotone, the changes in pitch are very slight. I... didn't. I bounce up and down all over my range. Always have.

 

Basically, I regained the speaking voice I had before puberty started. If you need to go higher than that, there are surgical options but they're generally not compatible with a tracheal shave so you need to pick which one is more important to you if you go that route.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 138 Guests (See full list)

    • AllieJ
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Vidanjali
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...