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And so it begins....


cananna

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Hello everyone, this is my first real post on the forum. And i think this must be the first time that i actually try and express my feelings about my gender on paper.
I'll start by saying that i'm 26, male, bisexual. I have a thick black beard and long blond hair, and i love them both.
All my life i struggled to get along with the boys, but i never really had a group of girl friends either. I've always done theater, from a very young age, so costumes and make-up never seemed like a big deal, and i've always enjoyed them. In high school i even had a phase where i would wear red eyeliner sometimes.
 I never really had a problem with my pronouns, or my name, untill recently. But sometimes i do feel like a woman, or at least feminine. But other times i definately feel like a man. And other times i don't really know the definition of the two, so i'm just confused.
I don't really know what that makes me, and i'm not even sure that i want to find a label for myself.
I think the worst part about it is the fact that i'm convinced, deep down, that i'm faking it for the attention. It doesn't make much sense rationally, but go tell that to my guts.

I feel guilty about my privilege, i keep thinking that there are other people much more in need than me, and that guilt paralizes me, and it's a shield to avoid really talking to myself about what the issue is.
I don't think i'm capable of avoiding this talk, not anymore. It's exausting. So i'm here. Looking for someone who would talk with me about this. I feel like i'm at the beginning of a long and difficoult journey, and i think i'm a little scared of doing it alone.

 

Thanks for reading me, ❤️

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you for your  post and the honesty it contains.  I once loved twirling the ends of my blond mustache and yet i knew i had other aspects to my identity.  All through my life there were periods when questioning, doubt, shame  and fear came to the surface.   At that point there were no places to open up safely.  I did try but quickly went back into a shell.  The openness here helped me find a place where i knew others shared my fears and where i saw examples of folks who were on a path to living their true selves.  I was advised to get therapy.  I did.  Between that and my time here i've found peace.  It is rarely easy but i know i found it well worth the effort.

I was told by one member that she had my back.  Somehow simply knowing she was able to be herself was a powerful assist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 1 month later...
HaraSurya

I can definitely relate. I'm a 42yo man who usually wears some sort of facial hair and has no issue with presenting masculine and using male pronouns in real life, but lately I've found myself deeply connecting to a female character I write fiction about and present as online. (I have a suspicion I've been working through a lot of my own gender-identity anxieties through her as a proxy.)

 

I couldn't tell you how often I've felt I've done something traditionally masculine for no other reason than putting on a front. Meanwhile, I enjoy lots of traditionally female things that I've had to keep secret on some level because I worked in education for a few years. (One time the openly lesbian principal at a school discovered some of that aspect online and told me I needed to do a better job keeping them separate for professional reasons.)

 

I can also relate as never feeling like "one of the guys." I get along better with women and with older people in general. I don't like most sports (baseball is OK). I like video games but not the kind "guys" are normally into. Most of my male role models growing up had, and still have, a gentle type of masculinity. (Very soft spoken, non-aggressive and thoughtful.) I find "toxic masculinity" to be both scary and hilarious at the same time since it's usually backed by insecurity and fear.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Droomvlucht
On 12/5/2020 at 12:15 PM, cananna said:

I don't really know what that makes me, and i'm not even sure that i want to find a label for myself.
I think the worst part about it is the fact that i'm convinced, deep down, that i'm faking it for the attention. It doesn't make much sense rationally, but go tell that to my guts.

 

This is very recognisable for me. Thanks for sharing. How are you doing now? 

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