More questioning

[LaurenA]

So after getting lots of good advice here I thought it was time to crawl back into my cave to do a lot of research and thinking.  I spent a lot of time watching YouTube, both councilors and trans people, reading blogs, visiting professional's web sites.  There is a ton of information out there.  At times I had to take a break so I didn't get information overload.

So what did I come up with after all of that?  I'm still not sure if I'm transgender.  I am leaning more towards that but I'm still unsure.  Still lots of questions.  I've got a whole page of questions I want to go through with my councilor.  And then if I do convince myself that I'm trans-female a whole new list of questions come up that boil down to "What do I do now?"

I've also done a minor amount of experimenting.  I tried nail polish, felt happy while I was wearing it.  But I discovered it doesn't work well with my hobbies, lots of chipping and breaking because I have soft nails.  I got some feminine tops and a little jewelry and wore them for some zoom calls.  I felt good while dressing up and doing my hair but came away from the meeting feeling a little depressed.  Wish I could figure out why.

So that's where I stand at the moment, in the middle of the crossroads, still trying to figure out which road to take.  I doesn't help waking up every morning feeling hopeless and depressed, feeling sometimes like I should just forget the whole thing and slink back into my cave.  There have also been times where the depression was so bad that I wanted to find a way where I wouldn't have to make any decision at all.  So fat I've talked myself out of that when it happens.

Lyla

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Lyla said:

So that's where I stand at the moment, in the middle of the crossroads, still trying to figure out which road to take.  I doesn't help waking up every morning feeling hopeless and depressed, feeling sometimes like I should just forget the whole thing and slink back into my cave.  There have also been times where the depression was so bad that I wanted to find a way where I wouldn't have to make any decision at all.  So fat I've talked myself out of that when it happens.

 

OK, this part isn't so good. The taking steps, feeling out what feels like you and talking to your counselor? Great! Keep doing that! Soul crushing depression though? That doesn't help anybody.

 

I definitely like that you're experimenting though. You don't need to wear a label. Just figure out what makes you feel comfortable and work towards that. I found that progress towards my goals helped a lot with my depression. It hardly ever rears its head anymore.

 

Hugs!

[LaurenA]

But then the side question, or maybe the main question, becomes "what will keep me from being so depressed?"  That's what brought me into the councilor in the first case.  It was after talking to her for a couple weeks that the question of "Why am I depressed?" progressed to the idea of transgender.

Now the idea of being trans scares me, scares me a lot.  Most of that fear is of the logistics of transitioning, the question of how much is enough of a transition, and the fear of looking like a fool afterwards.  Taking slow small steps is where I'm at right now but I feel like I need to do more, yet I'm afraid to. due to ridicule.  Hence I'm getting more depressed and wanting to hide in my cave all the more.

 

[Jackie C.]

Aww. Yeah, I get that. I figured out pretty quickly what would make my dysphoria shut up, but we're all a little different and it can take some time. So, baby steps. Like a friend of mine (who is bi-gender) says, "You can go as far as you want, but you can't go back." It's not a perfect analogy. My first gender therapist said, "Of course you can go back," for most of it anyway. I mean we're not undoing my GCS, but anything short of that is reversible. Well, not electrolysis but who likes shaving anyway?

 

Anyway, my point being that's why I'm excited that you're experimenting. Figure out what makes you feel right. What other people think isn't that important. The only person that can make you happy is you. People honestly respond to your attitude more than they do to your appearance. As an example, I walked around the gym for months presenting as male (for legal reasons, my state has stupid laws). People clocked me as a woman anyway. It's more about your attitude than your appearance.

 

Hugs!

[DeeDee]

@Lyla I really feel for you, I still have moments of total panic when I think about the direction I am heading, I've spent two years doing tiny little experiements here and there and realised that for many of them the result was that I was apathetic and not euphoric.

I was more worried about what I would say if people noticed, or if I got run over while I was wearing ladies panties and socks with lovehearts on! (Thanks for that clean underwear paranioa mum!)

 

It is only recently I have found more certainty and momentum after exhausting almost every test I could think of and digesting trans medical studies as well as the YT videos, and I think time to adjust and soak it all in too.

 

I do know that when I interact as DeeDee, and even the few times I have gone out as DeeDee now that I do not feel flat.

I feel so much! Scared, nervous, sick to my stomach with worry, but also empowered because that nagging; not good enough, going to get caught out feeling I carry with me as a man in society goes away for a little while and I feel 100% average. I really do smile more.

Realising how unusual it is for me tojust feel normal is a hard thing to describe but that is 90% of my experience. I think about what am I not feeling or thinking just as much as what I am feeling or thinking. 

 

Ignore the end goals and think about the negative space in the whole picture too, when do you notice the feelings of depression and apathy most? Do you catch yourself sighing at the thought of choosing a necklace to go with your top or putting it back in the drawer, do you feel pride when your nails look neater than they did the last time and frustration when that pretty colour gets chipped because now the aesthetic is gone? each test may not be 100% conclusive, but the circumstantial data will add up. 

Keep on keeping on.

x

 

[LaurenA]

One of my great fears is how I'll react when I get made fun of or harassed in public.  I know it will end up making me feel more depressed and cause me to isolate myself all the more.  I can see myself breaking down and dissolving into a crying mess right on the spot.  Why do I want to put myself through something like that?  I just can't make myself that vulnerable.  I don't know how anyone can handle something like that.  It makes me feel like I need to hide until I could pass, which I will never be able to do.  I would never be in public as a woman.  And that thought alone depresses me right now.

Is all this is to me is a charade, a masquerade, a facade that's only worthwhile if I can play it out in front of an audience?  Why am I doing this?  Why am I consumed by this?  If it is all so real then why am I doubting this.  Why can't I make up my mind?

[Jackie C.]

That's a pretty common fear starting out. It's only natural. We don't want to be ridiculed for who we are. The thing is, most people don't notice or care. They're wrapped up in their own stuff. Even the ones that mis-gender you don't do it maliciously. Unfortunately, the only real cure for the anxiety is going out and facing it. I've got a friend who likens us to vampires: We only come out at night and shy away from bright lights.

 

The anxiety fades though. I started small. My first public outing was to the mailbox and back. Then I went to get gas (pay at the pump). I went to the grocery store next. I got clocked. It wasn't the end of the world. I worked on my presentation a bit and went back out the next chance I got. Now I'm just me.

 

Hugs!