I feel good as FtM and then BAM #&!

[Gabriel]

Ok. I got myself confused. Again. Still. Urghhh…

 

I have accepted myself as trans because it is pretty clear that I am not a cis female. I got this one right and no doubts here (yay!!).

 

My gut, my heart, my body and even my mind (minus the insidious doubting part) feel male and if I do not keep a solid handbrake on it (which I do because I want to give myself time), I’d happily consider going on T. Such is my yearning for a male body with I can feel at home with.

 

And then suddenly I see a woman in the street wearing something I like and it throws me. Because I like it. From that point on my thought process goes like this:

 

1.      I think I’d like to wear that too.

2.      What the h*ck?

3.      Maybe I’m more fluid or bi gender?

4.      Then I imagine myself in that outfit and I feel so uncomfortable, like a man in a costume.

5.      What the h*ck?

6.      Then I also actually kind of realize that I like that outfit in THAT woman.

7.      But I’m attracted to men!?!

8.      What the h*ck?

9.      But she looked so good and attractive

10.  Maybe I can find the look that makes me feel good and attractive as a man

11.  Ohhh… that’d feel good

12.  Yeah, but I liked that too. And I would look amazing in that

13.  But uuurrrghhhh. Maybe not really

14.  And Yeaaahh, she was sexy

15.  What the h*ck?!?

 

Some background – After a divorce, after hearing from men (again, I’d heard that since I was 15) that I could be more feminine, and after not paying any attention to how I looked, I spent from 2011 to 2019 going overboard on my feminine side. It was something like “I can do this female job and I can do it well, dammit. Plus using a body that men had always drooled about to feel wanted and valued.

 

Again, identifying as trans has brought me a new peace. Just the thought of not having to be a woman any more has been like lifting a ginormous weight off my shoulders. And identifying as FtM brings a new energy and joy to my body, like finally I can enjoy life instead of watching it pass at the other side of the window.

 

And then this happens and I go nuts. Thoughts? Relatable experiences? A joke? Yeah, we can laugh it off  too…

 

Thank you for reading kind souls

Gabriel

[Audrey]

Dear @Gabriel,

The human mind is a beautiful thing - and yet, it can also be the thing that brings us the most hardship. I sense the anguish in your words, and please know that you're not alone in your feelings. I relate to the freeing experience of identifying as transgender. But I faked it to make it for years and years, but nothing could shake the feeling that I wasn't living authentically, pretending to be someone just because society expected it of me. It was a sort of psychological cage I'd trapped myself in. It took a great friend, the pandemic, and a lot of emotional release to move to a new path. You are deeply introspective, and you have done much soul-searching and reflecting to reach where you are now. While your mind may keep talking and sticking doubts into your consciousness, I'm so happy to read that naming your identity brings you so much joy.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[DonkeySocks]

3 hours ago, Gabriel said:

I have accepted myself as trans because it is pretty clear that I am not a cis female. I got this one right and no doubts here (yay!!).

Yay!

 

It looks like you have a lot to consider, here, but:

Okay, so you'd feel uncomfortable, which is a good reason not to wear drag, but: men in drag can be hot, and they can totally want to wear what is traditionally considered women's clothing and still be aware that they are men. Try googling "men wearing lipstick".

 

Also, yes, you can definitely appreciate a well-dressed woman even if you are gay. You can envy her sense of style, or just appreciate the artistry, or how natural she seems to be at it. I get that you are confused, but nothing about your post or your emotions as expressed here looks weird to me.

[DeeDee]

4 hours ago, Gabriel said:

Just the thought of not having to be a woman any more has been like lifting a ginormous weight off my shoulders.

...I'm just going to quote this and leave it here... ? For me that says everything needed. 

In my humble opinion our sexuality doesn't actually change, but when we start being the people we are supposed to be it's like we give ourselves permission to step outside the boxes we made for ourselves, whether we knew it or not, so whether you end up straight, gay, bi, pan, polyamorous or other isn't a big deal. Everyone goes window shopping, men are just traditionally bad at admitting it to one another, and it doesn't mean you're going to buy everything you like. 

[Gabriel]

5 hours ago, Audrey said:

While your mind may keep talking and sticking doubts into your consciousness, I'm so happy to read that naming your identity brings you so much joy.

 Thank you for your words Audrey. It's pretty crazy how those two facts can be happening at the same time right? And yet they do.

It's great to hear you found your new path. Cheering for you here

 

3 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

you can definitely appreciate a well-dressed woman even if you are gay. You can envy her sense of style, or just appreciate the artistry, or how natural she seems to be at it

Totally right. That is part of it for sure. I'll bring this all up at therapy this week to sort out the rest.

 

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

...I'm just going to quote this and leave it here... ?

LOL so true.

I also agree about things opening up when we give ourselves permission of being who we are.

It's interesting that I wouldn't mind at all any opening in my sexual orientation (I agree that it wouldn't be new, just opening up something that was already there but in second plane) and yet the doubt about what it means in terms of gender identity throws me into a loop.

 

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts!! ❤️ 

[Heather Nicole]

This feels like the kind of advice I'm better at giving than I am at actually taking myself, but I think it's important for us all to try to remember that gender isn't a handful of boxed categories. Gender is a multi-dimentional spectrum. It can be easy to get overly focused on labels or categories. Labels and categories can often be great conviniences for the sake of communication, but they don't define who we are. They may apply, or not apply, or merely "kind of apply, sometimes." We are who we are.

 

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

but when we start being the people we are supposed to be it's like we give ourselves permission to step outside the boxes we made for ourselves, whether we knew it or not

 

This is so true. I'm not one of the ones who was "I feel like I AM the other gender", but my birth gender did always seem like little more than a set of arbitrary restrictions, expectations and reactions from others that automaticaly came with the random toss-of-a-coin that was my body. Sometimes I was fine with what was available within those confines, other times I'd catch myself bumping into those walls and it would just chafe.

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, Gabriel said:

 Thank you for your words Audrey. It's pretty crazy how those two facts can be happening at the same time right? And yet they do.

It's great to hear you found your new path. Cheering for you here

You're most welcome.

I just read @Heather Nicole's reply... I keep thinking that the mind's tendency is to put things into nice, tidy binary categories. Yet, when it comes to gender expression and identity, it's just not that simple no matter how much our mind or society would tell us otherwise. The tough part is teasing out the truth from all the static in our heads about our own experience. From how you describe the weight coming off your shoulders, I'm confident you're well on the right path.

I'm cheering for you too, Gabriel!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Gabriel]

15 hours ago, Audrey said:

the mind's tendency is to put things into nice, tidy binary categories. Yet, when it comes to gender expression and identity, it's just not that simple no matter how much our mind or society would tell us otherwise

 

16 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

I think it's important for us all to try to remember that gender isn't a handful of boxed categories

 

So right! It is amazing how stereotypes are so pervasive that they infiltrate our process even when we are openly questioning gender, roles and everything. It's like they creep back in the room from a back door and we don't even realise they are messing up again.

 

That, plus a helping hand of sexual orientation opening/confusion, (yes, we know they are totally separate things!! And yet it twirls back into the messed yarn ball) and the doubting mind has a fest.

 

Thank you all! ❤️ 

[Jani]

Gabriel don't fret over your liking differing styles.  Very early on I recall looking in my closet and thinking, wow I looked great in that piece of clothing.  I look back now and think I probably was a version of the David Bowie form of masculinity.  Not very macho.  Seeds of doubt are everywhere.  Once I had estrogen firmly in me these cues registered less often, and now never.   

 

Understanding who you are and embracing it does feel empowering.  Remember there are good points to consider at every junction in life.  Hold on to the one that is truest to your self image. 

 

Jani 

[Gabriel]

@Jani Thank you for that. It really helps.

 

I realise more and more something that every one of you who are ahead on the journey have been saying all along, that I know and understand on my head but is just starting to really sink in: that transition is exactly that a transition, a gradual process from a place that we cannot ditch just from one day to the next, to a new identity that cannot be created in the blink of an eye, but that needs time and space to be and to grow. And that can only be done while already in transition.

 

Thank you so much for that

Gabriel

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, Gabriel said:

I realise more and more something that every one of you who are ahead on the journey have been saying all along, that I know and understand on my head but is just starting to really sink in: that transition is exactly that a transition, a gradual process from a place that we cannot ditch just from one day to the next, to a new identity that cannot be created in the blink of an eye, but that needs time and space to be and to grow. And that can only be done while already in transition.

Absolutely! I might add, our transition and process are uniquely our own. Each day, we go forward, and we are ahead of where we were the day before by every step we take.

That "blink of an eye" comment resonates with me a lot. That was how someone recently reacted to me coming out, as though I was being impulsive - when in fact my feelings were years in the making but only then expressed to that person. After that, I needed to remind myself that transitioning also happens for those around us, and I hope that those close to me will join and support me when they're ready.

Also - I like the new profile pic, Gabriel!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jani]

Oh @Gabriel!  New photo!  Cool man!!  I like it. 

 

Yes this is not a sprint but a marathon.  There will be easy downhill runs and terrible uphill slogs.  Remain true to yourself and you'll get to your self determined finish line.  Also remember that we must grow into our new role.  We didn't become who we were overnight either! 

Cheers, Jani

[Gabriel]

@Audrey @Jani Thank you  

 

Jani I really like your new photo too! 

"Remain true to yourself". Yes the key to it all  

 

Audrey. So true, we also need to let the people close to us go through their own transition and give them the time they need, as long as they are not hurtful to us. For me, just seing that they try, no matter how many times they blunder, brings up a huge smile to my heart.