Help !

[LaurenA]

Not sure where to post this.  Is it because of the alcohol I decided to drink or the lack of reason for living.  I'm not transgender.  I'm just a gay bisexual guy who is looking for a way to not be depressed.  I thought I found that.  I was wrong.  I'm just a sexual devout who is interested in anything that moves and thinks that dressing up as a woman is an excuse to think it's all OK.  It's NOT OK.  It SUCKS.  It's all wrong.  There is no solution.  I'm not a woman, I'm not a man, I'm a devout.  I shouldn't exist.  There is no reason I should even be questioning this.  I know it's wrong.  I've known that for a long long time.  There is no place for someone like me.  I'm an abomination, a misfit, a reject of society.  If I'm lucky I can live out the rest of my life as I am without anyone bothering me.  Maybe I can accept that I can get by.

 

Thank you to everybody here for the kind and thoughtful words.  You have made the last several weeks better for me.  I wish that all that has been said was true for me.  It is and it is not.

 

I'm not planning on doing anything dangerous to myself.  All I am planning is crawling back into my cave, possibly forever this time, to consider the implications of what I think I am.

 

Please talk to me.  I need someone I can talk to.

[Audrey]

@LaurenA

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're going through a very tough moment right now, and It's great that you're reaching out for help to cope with your depression. You are not alone.
I'm happy to know that you've found the support here on the forums valuable to you, and I'm hopeful that it's given you a chance to better understand yourself and your identity. I know that having honest conversations with yourself isn't easy, and I'm sure you have a lot in your mind and heart. Please know that there are supportive people and communities out there to listen and help you get through this challenging time. 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Carolyn Marie]

Please don't get down on yourself, Lauren.  You are none of those things, and certainly not an abomination or a misfit.  You are troubled, yes, and that can be helped and dealt with.  We will help all we can, but in reality, what you really need is someone IRL to talk with; a therapist, counselor, friend, or family member whom you can trust and who is empathetic.  You also need a big hug.  I hope you have or can find that someone to give you real empathy and assistance, and also someone to give you that hug.  All I can do at this moment is to give you a virtual and tell you not to give up on yourself, or put yourself down, because we will never do either of those things.  We're here for you, and we care about you.  I care about you.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Carolyn Marie

[LaurenA]

Well I got the recommended hug and had the suggested talk with my SO all to no avail.  I'm still a old -awesome person- trying to cross dress.  I am keeping this discussion in this area of the forum because I can only be open about my feelings on this subject when I drink. I'm way too closed up and in control of myself when I'm sober.  This is the first I have been drinking since March,

 

I have never felt gender disphoria.   I like being male.  Albeit there have been a couple times in my youth where I felt comfortable dressing as a girl, yet those times can be counted on one hand.  I have also loved playing the female role in gay relationships.  But that may be too much for the PG aspect for these forums.

 

I've scrubbed my profile, dropped from all my meetup groups, and deleted all of the bookmarks I've collected for trans resources.  This isn't the first time I've done digital suicide.  It's why I'm not on any of the social websites anymore.

 

I'm just an old queer guy trying to justify himself as he ages beyond the point of acceptability.

 

I don't know why I'm still posting here other than that I have the feint hope that someone here can convince me I'm wrong, that there is some sort of future for me.  Because right now the only future I see is the same as the past I have lived for over a half a century.

[LaurenA]

OH I love the auto editing

 

[tracy_j]

8 hours ago, LaurenA said:

Please talk to me.  I need someone I can talk to.

 

There will always be people on here to talk to - remember that. Being male or female really matters little. It's being you that means the world.

 

Tracy

 

[Heather Nicole]

2 hours ago, LaurenA said:

I don't know why I'm still posting here other than that I have the feint hope that someone here can convince me I'm wrong, that there is some sort of future for me. 

 

I find that if you're feeling that desperate to be proven wrong, it's a big sign that, on some level, you already know it's not your genuine truth after all and you're merely looking for an excuse to releive your concious mind with what your subconcious already knows to be true. And that definitely implies a future for you, it just may not be easy to see, but I think a small, maybe well-hidden part of you already knows its there and has some small, subtle idea about what form it may take.

 

Also, when you're feeling that confused, I think it's importaint to allow yourself to release any boundaries from or need for "labels" and just know that you are you, whatever that may directly or indirectly imply for you, and that just by being you, that alone is enough to make your own personal experience valid.

 

I am very sorry that you are feeling such difficulty. We're all here with you and wish you the best. *big hugs*

[Charlize]

Funny how for such a long time i felt i needed alcohol to face issues of gender and explore sexuality.  I was continuously miserable and wasn't able to find any solutions in the bottle.  I went pretty far down the rabbit hole and the horrors i found there certainly didn't help.  Fortunately the birth of a grandchild that i couldn't hold, as i was shaking too hard, moved me to find sobriety.  It took me time in AA before i was able to get past my fear and accept what i found.  Today, alcohol free, i'm at peace with myself.  I can even "comprehend the word serenity."

We are here to help if you wish it.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

On 12/14/2020 at 2:43 PM, LaurenA said:

I'm just an old queer guy trying to justify himself as he ages beyond the point of acceptability.

Hi Lauren.  Tell me again please ... what is it you're trying to "justify"? and then ...Why do you feel you need to justify yourself?
I can relate to a lot of how you describe your life and issues that are dragging you down .. I spent an entire lifetime doing my best to demonstrate that I was the man family/friends/society expected me to be as AMAB, and I did a pretty good job of it until I realized .. I wasn't that person.

Then came Self-Acceptance.  Because you don't need to "justify" or be "accepted" by anybody but yourself.  That's the good and the bad.  Good because its ultimately in your control .. bad, because well ... its REALLY difficult. 
 

It doesn't really matter if/how you label yourself, and not even necessary really.  Just try to find and embrace your true self.  Whatever that is. 

A good therapist can help you and finding a like minded community or support group.   Deep breaths❣️

[Mx.Drago]

On 12/13/2020 at 7:15 PM, LaurenA said:

Not sure where to post this.  Is it because of the alcohol I decided to drink or the lack of reason for living.  I'm not transgender.  I'm just a gay bisexual guy who is looking for a way to not be depressed.  I thought I found that.  I was wrong.  I'm just a sexual devout who is interested in anything that moves and thinks that dressing up as a woman is an excuse to think it's all OK.  It's NOT OK.  It SUCKS.  It's all wrong.  There is no solution.  I'm not a woman, I'm not a man, I'm a devout.  I shouldn't exist.  There is no reason I should even be questioning this.  I know it's wrong.  I've known that for a long long time.  There is no place for someone like me.  I'm an abomination, a misfit, a reject of society.  If I'm lucky I can live out the rest of my life as I am without anyone bothering me.  Maybe I can accept that I can get by.

 

 

Thank you to everybody here for the kind and thoughtful words.  You have made the last several weeks better for me.  I wish that all that has been said was true for me.  It is and it is not.

 

 

I'm not planning on doing anything dangerous to myself.  All I am planning is crawling back into my cave, possibly forever this time, to consider the implications of what I think I am.

 

 

Please talk to me.  I need someone I can talk to.

1. You're not an abomination, you're human. Yeah, might not be perfect but I haven't seen any perfect humans.

2. You have a right to exist. Being gay/bisexual doesn't mean you should stop breathing. To hell with those other crazy people who are too miserable to love anything other than their own crazy ideas making everybody as miserable as they are. You have love in your heart, don't let the miserable loveless souls suck out yours.

3. Breathe, slow down a bit and honestly, ask yourself what makes you happy. Just no children...or animals... Keep that happiness between consensual adults. Doesn't matter what gender you consider yourself. You don't need to wear dresses or pretend anything, just love those to whom you consider worthy of that gift. And give your all to gift that is your life. Might not be perfect but that's what makes everything special and precious.

4. Don't drink yourself to death. Not a good way to go. It's slow and painful.

5. You have a place in this world and it's where ever you stand. Yeah horrible people will kick your feet from under you, but it's a good thing there's plenty of world to go stand around. Just try to avoid the miserable creatures they are savages and can be dangerous.

6. There's always a solution. It just takes time to figure out what the full equation is. Most the time there's more than one solution and it can be difficult to pick what is best for yourself. But that's what this site is for and friends. It's always good to have multiple opinions and insights. Maybe a good doctor can also help give you some advice, just read reviews before picking one.

7. Feeling depressed is ok sometimes, but not all the time. It hurts you and drains you of vital energy that is needed to sustain a healthy exsistence. You can die from a broken heart, it happens. Try not to let it drive you so deep. You are your all in this life. Once you lose yourself you truly lose all that potential to be and get better. So long as you breathe and continue to survive, there is always a chance to be and get better. You just have to put up with the craziness life throws at you but never stop asking for help. Sometimes it takes an army to conquer a mountain.

 

Please be well and stay safe.

[LaurenA]

I want to thank all of the people here who have responded to me while I've been offline.  It's been a very bad few days where I have not thought very well of myself.  I talked to my councilor yesterday and it did help me feel a lot better.

 

But not that much.  Here's the rub.

 

For the last 70 years or so I have been programmed by society that acting female or dressing as a woman is wrong, very wrong.  The person who does that is a pervert, a sexual degenerate, someone who should be ostricised by society.  So here I am thinking I should act in that way.  After all those years of programming how can I think of myself in any other way?  How can I get rid of that programming?  All that I think of myself is wrong, all that I think I want to be is perverted.  All that should happen to me is to be forgotten by society.

 

How can I overcome all of these feeling I have acquired over the years?  All of those things that everyone around me has told me is the truth for most of my life.  Why should I think of myself as something other than an abomination that has no right to exist is society?

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, LaurenA said:

For the last 70 years or so I have been programmed by society that acting female or dressing as a woman is wrong, very wrong. 

Apparently I'm around your age myself.  This is a hard thing to get passed.  We were raised in a society that taught us this.  Of course it's just not true.  And it is only programming.  Realizing that helps.  

That kind of programming kept me from being willing to look into who I was for most of my life.  I finally accepted who I was.  It was very freeing.  I still have to deal with the society around me, and sometimes that sux.  But I have also found that there are people who do accept me for who I am.

You are not an abomination, that is simply a lie.

Don't give up, accept yourself for who you are.

 

Sorry I don't have much else to say.

[Charlize]

Lauren,

     I was 63 when i went full time.  At the time, as you describe,  i had spent a life filled with feelings of shame not to mention the fear that someone might know.  I had purged often.  I hoped to die without my shame being revealed.  As i mentioned alcohol gave me a way to drop barriers at times.  It was also great at helping me to feel sorry for myself.  I almost wallowed in self pity lubricated by drink.  

    In recovery i found a fellowship that stressed honesty.  I managed that a bit but for the most part my "terrible" secret stayed secret.  I actually broke down and went to a women's meeting out of town.  It was wonderful as i was accepted as myself.  I wasn't judged!  Soon i found a gay lesbian meeting locally.  After all i'd been to gay bars as myself.  I found acceptance there.  Tonight i'll be at one of those meetings.  We now have quite a few trans folks. 

Soon i discovered this site and knew i wasn't alone.  Decent people, not perverts, told my story!  It wasn't long before i accepted myself fully.

That was some times ago.  My life is wonderful.  Truly beyond my dreams.

We all can find peace with ourselves.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Mx.Drago]

17 hours ago, LaurenA said:

How can I overcome all of these feeling I have acquired over the years?  All of those things that everyone around me has told me is the truth for most of my life.  Why should I think of myself as something other than an abomination that has no right to exist is society?

I might not have been around as long, just 33. But all I know is those who call you and other people abomination, wouldn't know what one would look like in the mirror if it bit them in the face. Try first for start calling yourself what you are physically in this world, you are human. You aren't perfect but you are as you were made. You live, breathe, and feel. You have thoughts, goals, and desires. You have the ability to change, even now, so long as you continue to rise to meet each day to move forward closer to that fullness and peace you seek. People will never know you, like you, they can't read your mind or spirit, and they like all of us are just a small part of this world. It's hard to see the larger universe and understand everything that is, but now, even if you don't fit the textbooks. Textbooks, the old books, were written by humans, and since humans aren't perfect, neither are their thoughts they so boldly perceive and conjure. We try what we can, as best we can, feeling through the mist of doubt, fog of confusion, emptiness of darkness, and blinding light. Some are men, some are women and some are just in-between or are neither. But remember what you are, and that is human. Be well and stay safe.

[Lee H]

Hi Lauren

I am not competent to hand out advice to anyone, but I'll tell you my own story. Take what fits, leave the rest.

I'm 76, and I have been on MtF HRT for about 6-7 weeks. 

How I got here: For 70+ of those years, I was interested in feminine things, from even before puberty. Thereafter, I cross-dressed as and for a turn-on. For many, many years, this would result in a huge guilt trip, and negative, accusatory self-talk. Always very careful not to "get caught," and so far as I know, I never did. The guilt trip lessened when I got sober in AA and I grew older, because I was less concerned about whatever horrific categories of perverted sick f**k others might cast me into. The process of self-discovery in reading the literature and working the 12 Steps of AA, and attending AA meetings, led me to becoming comfortable in my skin, as both the usual testosterone toasty male, and occasionally as the girl in feminine, sometimes sexy, clothes. They didn't know, they couldn't find out, so screw 'em. When my wife passed and my kids were home less, then pretty much moving out, I could "indulge" whenever I felt like it. But CD'ing wasn't cutting it as a turn-on. I wasn't turned on much. However, I just felt comfortable and good "en femme", as I called it. The negative critic was subsiding, and STF-U'ing. I stopped running the old tapes, and started living one day at a time. I was who I was, and that was my category of one.

 

I would just drop into being "en femme", then drop back to my historic "manly man" role. But then the Covid lockdown went on in March, and I have been observing the CDC guidelines very closely. I'm very susceptible to pneumonia. I decided that day that if I was going to be home alone with my very accepting dog, I'd just try it out full time for awhile, see how I feel being "en femme" all the time. I started looking around at transgender resources, just for research and curiosity. I found a lot.

 

I found out I was more feminine than just a cross-dresser. I wanted to transition myself. Wanted to get HRT, just to try it. Go one day at a time, see how it feels. So here on Transgender Pulse, I found out that the VA accepts LGBTQ

patients, and will help with transition. I have found the VA very accepting and helpful. I got an OB/GYN who consulted with my other VA specialist docs, has written me a Rx and is paying close attention to my blood work, along with a therapist very knowledgeable in counseling gender-transition clients. I like them both.

 

Sooo, I am transitioning, MtF on HRT. I am doing it just one day at a time, and trying to savor each day. I don't know how far I'll go, but so far it's all good. A little breast development, a good mood, practicing paying closer attention to how my family and friends are feeling, and empathizing, rather than "fixing" their problems.

 

Also, like you, I am finding out that "gender" is about one hell of a lot more than the roles society assigns us when the doc takes a quick peek, wraps the brand new baby in blue or pink, and laterals the package to the mommie. I'm also finding out that gender is a spectrum, and there are thousands of us occupying our own various spaces along that spectrum, and we are all OK. We all have the right to become our own, genuine selves. The people who don't accept us for who we are, including where we are along the contniuum between pure female and pure male, are ignorant, and stupid enough to not want to learn.

 

We are OK. Alcoholism makes us not OK. Not becoming our own, individual, genuine selves makes us not OK.

But at least for me, "I am a transfemine woman in transition on HRT, continuing one day at a time so long as it feels good, and savoring each day for itself."

 

Sorry for using up so many bits and bites. It's my favorite subject.

 

~~Here's a big hug and squeeze for the genuine Lauren, not the negative critic shouting insults in her head. Mine is named "Growler." I tell him to STFU, and try to savor that day. Coming from fellowship and sisterhood with you, from Lee~~