Im in a bad place

[SydneyAngel]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

Well I see the ladies covered this well - I did my own gray market meds years ago and when I went off I'd screwed up my prostate. Now I am closely supervised and extremely happy on HRT and know if I want to go off to consult and decide on what type of plan to reduce meds to do it safely. In my case thought I don't plan on going off - it haas been a lifesaver for me.

I never did unsupervised HRT so i wouldnt know. It was only a little anti depressant on a low dose. Honestly i feel for sad and depressed which is how i should feel because im not happy. Im not taking anything other then Hrt. Anti depressant served a purpose dont get me wrong. I was in hospital for suicide and literally couldnt do anything for myself like get out of bed cutting deep cutting. I think the only way for me to dea lwith this pain is to feel it because the meds in a way numb the pain mind you the meds i was taking are not narcotic. I feel better being sad and hurt if that makes any sense 

[Tori M]

For what it's worth, I just popped into this thread not knowing what it was about or who you are (I've been offline lately) and got stuck for about 2 minutes scrolling back and forth between the two photos above without reading.  I couldn't figure out why one photo looked like a man and the other like a woman.  I finally stopped analyzing and read the post and then understood what I was looking at.  Now on close scrutiny I can see a change in the nose and maybe chin (??), but the overall effect of whatever you had done is amazing, I think.  Makes me want some of what you got.  I doubt any of us look exactly like we wished, but if your goal was to look more feminine then you absolutely do.

As far as some people looking like a man in a dress, there are a lot of women (cis) that look that way.  I see them every day, including on Jeopardy yesterday.  *I* notice because of who I am... most people don't.  Like most people (all?), my brain determines gender in a microsecond.  If I passed you in a store I would see female.  Are you on hormone therapy?  If not, wow!  Add makeup and "passable" is not even a question.  To me, your "after" photo looks nothing like a man unless you're a 12 year old boy.

The most important part of this discussion goes to anyone and everyone... please do not just suddenly stop taking depression meds!  It will only make things worse or even disastrous!  I know from experience.  If you're here then you are one of us and we care.

Tori

 

[Mx.Drago]

2 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

i never said i wanted to look like a barbie doll. Why do you want to blend into society ? I think thats the only things thats unrealistic. I think all this nonsense that people fill in your brain about how you look can only carrying you so far before you realize the truth you will always look like a man in a dress unless you drop alot of cash to look different. I could care less about looking natural. Society rejects Trans women and if you think thats not true those people who you think accept you only tolerate you in fear of being called a transphobe or whatever. I would prefer to look "fake" if i look female vs looking natural and still male

The Barbie lady, was just an extreme example of somebody who wanted a specific look. Another extreme example is The Tiger Man. Point is if you wanted a specific look, you needed to state that before anything, and be very specific. Not everybody has the same values or interests, and mind reading/ internet to the brain is still a work in progress. But be aware that it costs more than money. And if you wanna stick out be aware of the attention it will bring.

 

1 hour ago, Sydneyblue said:

 I was in hospital for suicide and literally couldnt do anything for myself like get out of bed cutting deep cutting. I think the only way for me to dea lwith this pain is to feel it because the meds in a way numb the pain mind you the meds i was taking are not narcotic. I feel better being sad and hurt if that makes any sense 

Sometimes you need to feel and live through the pain, I get it. But don't ever hurt yourself like that again. It's not even worth the hospital bill and is pointless in solving the main issue. You're human and you feel, bleed, and want. But you have lots of work to do and little time to dwell going in circles stewing in yourself. Like I said before, Roar till the rage leaves you and then roll up them sleeves for some business time. Grab life by them stones and rough house when necessary. Buy new cloths, wear your face and hair how you want, but own it and be responsible. Nobody can do that for you unless that's what you're into.

[SydneyAngel]

2 hours ago, Tori M said:

For what it's worth, I just popped into this thread not knowing what it was about or who you are (I've been offline lately) and got stuck for about 2 minutes scrolling back and forth between the two photos above without reading.  I couldn't figure out why one photo looked like a man and the other like a woman.  I finally stopped analyzing and read the post and then understood what I was looking at.  Now on close scrutiny I can see a change in the nose and maybe chin (??), but the overall effect of whatever you had done is amazing, I think.  Makes me want some of what you got.  I doubt any of us look exactly like we wished, but if your goal was to look more feminine then you absolutely do.

As far as some people looking like a man in a dress, there are a lot of women (cis) that look that way.  I see them every day, including on Jeopardy yesterday.  *I* notice because of who I am... most people don't.  Like most people (all?), my brain determines gender in a microsecond.  If I passed you in a store I would see female.  Are you on hormone therapy?  If not, wow!  Add makeup and "passable" is not even a question.  To me, your "after" photo looks nothing like a man unless you're a 12 year old boy.

The most important part of this discussion goes to anyone and everyone... please do not just suddenly stop taking depression meds!  It will only make things worse or even disastrous!  I know from experience.  If you're here then you are one of us and we care.

Tori

 

There is Zero Cis women that look like a man in a dress.

[Mx.Drago]

2 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

There is Zero Cis women that look like a man in a dress.

?You think that. Come visit NYC when the craziness of the pandemic has passed, you might be surprised.

[Audrey]

2 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

There is Zero Cis women that look like a man in a dress.

This one got to me. I might look like a man in a dress because I'm early in transition. But the way I *feel* in a dress is what's really important to me, even if it's just in the privacy of my own apartment and only around those who I trust most right now. The truth is, I feel great because I'm expressing myself the way I want to, as I hope everyone does by the style they choose. Someday, when my physical transition is further along than it is today I'll find the courage to express myself publicly this way. Will I be clocked? Probably. Will it bother me? Probably too. Will I regret it? No, because I'll know I'm being authentic. Authenticity is attractive!

 

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

?You think that. Come visit NYC when the craziness of the pandemic has passed, you might be surprised.

I can confirm this.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[SydneyAngel]

2 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

?You think that. Come visit NYC when the craziness of the pandemic has passed, you might be surprised.

Its subjective people see thing differently 

[Mx.Drago]

1 hour ago, Sydneyblue said:

Its subjective people see thing differently 

All the more reason to come by and see for yourself. Plus it's NYC, might catch wind of a good doctor to visit and see some sites before returning home. Plus they are desperate for business now, might get some good clothing, shoes, personal bath care item deals. Get a full spa treatment, make you glow brighter than time square. Then trip to a late night bar or cafe. Any food you want all in walking distance or short train ride if you hate walking. Manhattan is practically an amusement park.

[SydneyAngel]

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

All the more reason to come by and see for yourself. Plus it's NYC, might catch wind of a good doctor to visit and see some sites before returning home. Plus they are desperate for business now, might get some good clothing, shoes, personal bath care item deals. Get a full spa treatment, make you glow brighter than time square. Then trip to a late night bar or cafe. Any food you want all in walking distance or short train ride if you hate walking. Manhattan is practically an amusement park.

thanks for the info i will pass on that 

[Mx.Drago]

1 hour ago, Sydneyblue said:

thanks for the info i will pass on that 

Twas a fun thought. Not like the city is relocating. 

[Abi]

On 12/15/2020 at 8:33 PM, Sydneyblue said:

I had to work extremely hard to earn that money. Plus i waited even longer. My transition has been a total disaster and i honestly dont want to be here anymore. I dont even look like a person in transition. I dont understand why this is happening to me. No even cared that i had surgery. I dont mean anything to anyone in a meaningful way. I stopped taking my anti depressant because im sick of taking something that is telling me lies about my life. I feel this pain deep in my chest and it hurts. No one seems to get it 

I get this statement and I want to offer my thoughts, if that's ok? . I would definitely be upset if I felt like my money was not well spent. Did you discuss the way things went with your doctor? Even if you feel like you would not see this doctor again, you should definitely tell them you are very unhappy with your results.

 

I have never had a successful career. I learned all my lessons the hard way. I have spent most of my life working 70+ hours a week and still having very little of my own to show for that. I worked so much that I did not see a reason to be here any longer.  On top of that, I was in a heavily abusive marriage to a narcissistic demon. The only thing I meant to my ex was money and service. I carry pain that I will never forget but, I have to acknowledge. I would not have come to my senses and started trying to care for myself, if I had not acknowledged these feelings. I did that, knowing I would likely be alone from then on. I did that knowing that a little improvement in my heart was better than watching the fires within me burn out. I'm sure I should have taken an anti depressant but, I agree that I would rather deal with my issues than mask them with medication. The medicine isn't what will heal your heart. Only you may do that and I believe you will. You have support from everyone here and so many of us can relate to the feelings you are going through. 

 

So maybe no one feels exactly the way you do but, that's good, because we are all unique wonderful individuals and sometimes we need a reminder of that. Be kind and patient with yourself Sydney. 

[Abi]

21 hours ago, Audrey said:

This one got to me. I might look like a man in a dress because I'm early in transition. But the way I *feel* in a dress is what's really important to me, even if it's just in the privacy of my own apartment and only around those who I trust most right now. The truth is, I feel great because I'm expressing myself the way I want to, as I hope everyone does by the style they choose. Someday, when my physical transition is further along than it is today I'll find the courage to express myself publicly this way. Will I be clocked? Probably. Will it bother me? Probably too. Will I regret it? No, because I'll know I'm being authentic. Authenticity is attractive!

Very well said. It is not what other people think of us but, how we see and treat ourselves that matters most.

[Heather Shay]

Wanting to transition faster is my wish but I know it takes a long time. You ladies help keep me grounded and realize the important thing is NOT what the OUTSIDE WORLD accepts - but rather what my INSIDE WORLD accepts and grows into understanding who I am is me and I an unique and my journey is different from everyone else and if I can continue to believe IN MYSELF the outside appearance will become what feels RIGHT for me - not the "world's ideal" but rather as they said in the movie NORMAL - I work with what I've been given. Enhancements are alright but the beauty is given at birth not produced by what society thinks.

[Heather Shay]