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Married MTFs: spouse question


RobynNYC

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Hi!  So I’m married and have told my wife. I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half and recently started low dose hrt.  
 

for those who have been married as you transition, what are the hardest parts of it for your spouse?  What were the biggest freak out moments for her, if any, or the hardest part of your journey to accept?

 

thanks! 
 

happy to dm if you’re more comfortable.  

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Let's see. Nails have been an issue. I keep polish on mine so they don't break and look nice. My wife not so much. I'm smaller than her, thus smaller possibly cuter clothes and I don't leave the house without makeup. She feels I've taken part of her femininity away. But I put in effort everyday to look like a woman, she doesn't need to. Some days I look the part better than her and she told me it makes her jealous.

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I am still in the guessing game phase with my wife. I want so much for her to accept me. There are signs I think slowly she is but I still feel like I'm eggshell walking. She only had 1 major melt down when she overheard me talking to a few ladies here I zoom with and mentioned I find the longer I am on HRT (going on 6 months now) the more I want the surgery and she was put out I talked to them before her.  I have tried to slow down my wants and discuss with my therapist and my wife is welcome to come to any session. Since then things have called down. I realize it is a long road but I will do everything I can do to save our marriage and let her know how important she is to me but at the same time I know I have to complete my journey for myself or marriage won't matter.

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I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%. 

 

She had some perfectly natural questions on our first conversation when I came out.  "Are you planning to leave me?"  "Will you be attracted to men?" "What are your plans?"  "Why didn't you tell me before?" (Answers: No; unlikely; see a therapist and play it by ear from there; I was in denial.  I anticipated the questions and had the answers ready.) 

 

But, in that same conversation, she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  It doesn't get any better than that.  She meant it, too.  She helps me shop for clothes and suggests jewellery that would suit me.

 

She is not comfortable calling herself a lesbian.  She says she is just a "lesbian by marriage".  But she has fun with it.  If we see some very conservative-looking little old ladies in town (it's a bit of a bible-belt down in the valley), she'll whisper in my ear, "Let's hold hands and freak them out! Bwah-ha-ha!"

 

Our relationship has improved since I came out.

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@KathyLauren I am so happy for you. I know others here with super wives and I hope some day I can say the same. I gave always been more concerned with making others happy and so I am?fearful of being rejected like my first marriage but I am hopeful with therapy and honesty that we will get there.

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Problems I have had... well let's see..

 

The first one was when I came out. She asked me, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" I have no idea where that came from, but have since discovered that it's a thing and a thing that happens more frequently than I would have expected. My answer was a long pause and then, "On what planet would I FIT in your underwear?" I was really heavy at the time. I could PROBABLY wear them now if I was so inclined but seriously? Somebody else's underwear? Ew. Besides, she's hippier than I am. There's no way they would fit right.

 

The next big hurdle was after GCS. She's not comfortable with the new accessories. Basically, she has yet to touch my, um, intimates during sex. There's honestly no point in removing my underwear. I find this extremely frustrating. She's turned into the "man" in our relationship in that she gets off, then gets up and goes to the store.

 

I've been working on myself. That's been a big part of my transition in that I'm sculpting myself into the woman I want to be. That includes losing a bunch of weight, toning getting definition, etc... That's been a problem for my wife because, "My transgender husband is prettier than I am."

That one hurt. A lot. She didn't mean it that way, but I'll carry the scars from that one for a good long time.

 

I'm happy that she accepts me, but I need to work on accepting that we're on different time tables. I've known that I was a woman forever. For her, this is a relatively recent development. I need to remind myself that if I want to keep the marriage together, I have to work harder.

 

Hugs!

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Hi 

 

Anger, shame, refusal to accept was the initial response.  Slowly calmed down.

 

yes I can be prettier as I am taller and thinner so she gets jealous about that.  Sex is completely gone.  Now that my breasts have announced they are coming she won’t touch my chest.

 

in public we have to appear as friends because she doesn’t want to be seen as a lesbian.  
 

giving myself DEP she doesn’t want to see it.  Walked in on me this morning, not my fault I just stuck myself and proceeded right in front of her.

 

we get along really good now, but it was touch and go for a while.  Be sensitive to her feelings and reactions and go slow.  
 

Willow

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My wife had many of the same questions and issues as KathyLauren's wife.  She wanted to know if I would seek out men, how our son would react, and how she would explain it to her very Catholic family.  She was worried if I would be accepted in public and what it would mean to her if I wasn't.  it took a year or so to really come around.  What sealed the deal was when we went out to a restaurant and the wait staff called me "Ma'am" and my wife saw that I could be taken as the woman I was.  BTW, her family did accept me.

 

Carolyn Marie

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8 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%.

My wife is the same. Completely on board...she’s my best ally, best friend and lover.

 

She had some justifiable concerns early in my transition. I’m a ‘girlie’ girl and she was a bit concerned with a few things I wanted to wear dealing with wearing dresses outside during the first month of being out to her, skirt length a little later, and then buying too revealing tops to try to show the very small amount of cleavage I had..lol  Over time, she and I got on the same page with my wardrobe and when I fine tuned my styles a bit, these issues evaporated.

 

The only other issue was early in my transition too. When I finally came out to her as trans she wanted ALL my secrets revealed if there were any others she didn’t know. She asked this question of me so I did the right thing and revealed to her my last secret that I like men too. Surprisingly, she didn’t respond badly at all because, as it turns out, she and I are both bi. None of my unscheduled revelations were even a factor until shortly after we started our discussion on my getting GRS in Dec. 2019. One night, we were out with girlfriends and I announced to them that I was getting GRS.  One of our girlfriends put this stupid idea into my wife’s head telling her, “After her surgery, Susan is going to want a man really bad and she won’t be able to help herself. I worry something could happen when she gets her new equipment.” I was so mad because it was so untrue. I explained to my wife and our friend that just because I’m sexually attracted to both sexes, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop being monogamous and start being disloyal to her. I never did this with women and I would not do it with men. It bothered my wife a little because she brought it up a few times shortly thereafter. But over the past 9 or 10 months it’s been a completely moot point. We both talk openly about a guy or a girl we both agree is handsome or cute and she is perfectly content I would never drop her for them...? I’d be an idiot to even consider it.

 

Susan R?

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I'm fairly early in transition, came out to my wife about a year ago. No HRT, but experimenting with my look, style, hair, etc. The biggest issue with my wife has been me keeping this from her. I seriously started questioning myself about 4 years ago and kept it from her. I started getting mani/pedi several years ago, then shaving and waxing. That was acceptable, we should have talked about it but didn't. I was terrified to talk to her about it, fear of rejection and all that. I still struggle to have important conversations with her. I'm terrible at communicating.

She is slowly coming around. She has said she will stay with me for the long haul. I'm only dressing fully femme at home (WFH during covid has actually helped in that regard). We are both together all the time. I've adopted a genderfluid persona. I share my true self with those in my inner circle, but I'm expressing myself publicly as kind of a metrosexual/hipster/millennial/gendequeer, I guess. I'm not sure what all that means but I'm mixing feminine pieces with my old clothes so that I can slowly transition publicly. 

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6 hours ago, Shay said:

@KathyLauren  I have always been more concerned with making others happy and so I am?fearful of being rejected 


 

This is SO me - always putting others first.  Like Duh, here I am looking at transition and I’m asking about my wife.  And thinking about it’s impact on my kids.  And extended family.  
 

* le sigh *

 

Thanks to guidance in forums like this I think I handled the initial coming out pretty well, consulting a therapist once my “egg cracked” and working through how to explain my situation.  My wife has been very understanding and supportive so far, but I’ve gone VERY slowly...   so interested in how other are dealing.  
 

 

??️‍⚧️??️‍⚧️
 

 

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My wife keeps asking what the timeline is, when I will I come out to more people, when will I present more, and I don't really have answers.  

 

Don't really go anywhere except for errands, and as for coming out to people I'm close with I kinda want to do so in person and there's not a lot of in-person meetings going on outside the few in the vicinity. 

 

Don't have any idea what our problems would be in a non-pandemic reality, since my proverbial egg cracked during this whole deal. 

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13 hours ago, RhondaS said:Don't have any idea what our problems would be in a non-pandemic reality, since my proverbial egg cracked during this whole deal. 

Right? I feel like In some ways the pandemic has frozen us all in time. Almost zero interactions with others means I don’t really have to address more public questions about my longer hair (I pin it back on zoom), my waning facial hair (doesn’t show up on video), budding, my softer skin and longer nails (again, viva zoom!).  At the same time it’s been easier to dip my toe in the water with those changes.  
 

at the same time, we have kids and I don’t really present female except internally.  It’s allowed me to take this super slow and my spouse doesn’t really seem bothered or sometimes even to notice?  
 

??‍♀️

 

I guess the glacial pace of change and the close quarters reinforces that changes be damned, I’m still me!

 

 

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Hi @RobynNYC!  Its a great question and something most of us are or have dealt with.
My situation is a combination of @Shay's and very close to @JamieL's in timeline, limits and not being on HRT yet.

We actually had our very first (and very looooong) discussion about it all tonight (after a 2 month hiatus of not talking anything gender related).  It showed we had a REALLY long way to go as a couple still, but the good part was this time there was not a BIG meltdown (for either of us) and we ended with cuddling in front of the TV.  So, that's progress in my book. 

Everybody has a different path, different story ... but for those of us with mates that we love, the hope is the same end results, with both partners happy (and hopefully together).

Wishing you the Best❣️

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@KayC so glad cuddles came. That is progress. And yes our journeys are as unique as we are but thank God for TP and loving, caring ladies like you.

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@KayC
So glad you had that chat and had some cuddle time. We did the same recently and just a little chat with some cuddles made a huge difference in our relationship. More to come!

 

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Oh, there's been so much cuddling over the last half a year since I told the Mrs. 

 

I thought when I was deciding to finally do it that the slow progress would help her (and everyone) get gradually used to the idea and, again, the pandemic's extended run has thrown some of that out the window.

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Thank you @Shay and @JamieL.  Actually next day was a rinse and repeat and a bit more down, but we made it through.
I guess the good news is the hard times still occur but don't seem to last as long.  So, for now, I will take that.  We were good the rest of the weekend.

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Hi everyone 

 

well this is related to this topic but not directly.  Last night my wife and I told our youngest granddaughter.  She is 13.  Her mother told us we should and that she thought it would actually be a good thing.  She was quite surprised but happy to hear all about it. I think her mother is right there is something going on that she needs help sorting out.

 

the connection here to me is this is telling someone close when you don’t know how it will go and having it turn out well.

 

have a great day

 

Willow

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  • 10 months later...
On 12/18/2020 at 7:38 AM, KathyLauren said:

I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%. 

 

She had some perfectly natural questions on our first conversation when I came out.  "Are you planning to leave me?"  "Will you be attracted to men?" "What are your plans?"  "Why didn't you tell me before?" (Answers: No; unlikely; see a therapist and play it by ear from there; I was in denial.  I anticipated the questions and had the answers ready.) 

 

But, in that same conversation, she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  It doesn't get any better than that.  She meant it, too.  She helps me shop for clothes and suggests jewellery that would suit me.

 

She is not comfortable calling herself a lesbian.  She says she is just a "lesbian by marriage".  But she has fun with it.  If we see some very conservative-looking little old ladies in town (it's a bit of a bible-belt down in the valley), she'll whisper in my ear, "Let's hold hands and freak them out! Bwah-ha-ha!"

 

Our relationship has improved since I came out.

I love that your relationship has improved since coming out! Wonderful!!

 

We are still early in our post coming out phase. What's wonderful is our intimytimes and relationship in general in private has improved immeasurably for us both.

 

But my wife is desperately uncomfortable with me presenting female in public, and discourages me from participating in zoom support group chats (no in person options during COVID-19).

 

Her biggest freakout occurred after a conversation with a supportive transwoman we were introduced to by our pastor in confidence. We were going to meet in church, and that was too much and way too fast for her.

 

I am slowing transition and hoping she grows more comfortable with me and us. We really love each other after 33 years of marriage, but change like this is hard on her.

 

Nimue

 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I loved reading all the responses on this thread.  I figured myself as trans last year and came out to my wife.  Things were rough at first.  She was upset and asked a lot of questions.  Am I turning gay or bi?  Will I want to transition?  Am I going to leave her?  We had a lot of intense conversations and she needed a lot of reassurance.

 

Now a year and four months later I'm dressed as a woman full time at home and I can wear makeup and perfume around her.  I'm out as trans at work and my wife even helps me with my makeup in the mornings.  

 

She is still drawing the line at any physical transitioning, though I would like to go on HRT one day.

 

At work ohe of the young workers there even referred to me as her wife and while it startled her, it didn't freak her out!  (I'm a manager of a thrift shop and my wife volunteers on Saturdays,)

 

We've been married for 16 and a half years and we've always had a deeply loving relationship.  She has told me she always knew I had a feminine side and it;s one of the things she loves about me because I'm compassionate and caring,  I have a 24 karat wife here and I will do everything i can to hold on to her.

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24 minutes ago, Becoming Diana said:

I have a 24 karat wife here and I will do everything i can to hold on to her.

That’s a great compliment, and I’m so happy for you both.

 

Hugs

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That’s a great compliment, and I’m so happy for you both.

Hugs

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you so much!

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Congrats. Mine has not been that smooth.

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I am just curious Diana.....Have you had to mention your wife in a conversation with someone who only knows you as female?

That was and continues to be awkward at times as it is coming out publicly as a lesbian.  Even in the wonderful state of NJ that can be awkward at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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