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Married MTFs: spouse question


RobynNYC

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Hi!  So I’m married and have told my wife. I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half and recently started low dose hrt.  
 

for those who have been married as you transition, what are the hardest parts of it for your spouse?  What were the biggest freak out moments for her, if any, or the hardest part of your journey to accept?

 

thanks! 
 

happy to dm if you’re more comfortable.  

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Let's see. Nails have been an issue. I keep polish on mine so they don't break and look nice. My wife not so much. I'm smaller than her, thus smaller possibly cuter clothes and I don't leave the house without makeup. She feels I've taken part of her femininity away. But I put in effort everyday to look like a woman, she doesn't need to. Some days I look the part better than her and she told me it makes her jealous.

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I am still in the guessing game phase with my wife. I want so much for her to accept me. There are signs I think slowly she is but I still feel like I'm eggshell walking. She only had 1 major melt down when she overheard me talking to a few ladies here I zoom with and mentioned I find the longer I am on HRT (going on 6 months now) the more I want the surgery and she was put out I talked to them before her.  I have tried to slow down my wants and discuss with my therapist and my wife is welcome to come to any session. Since then things have called down. I realize it is a long road but I will do everything I can do to save our marriage and let her know how important she is to me but at the same time I know I have to complete my journey for myself or marriage won't matter.

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I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%. 

 

She had some perfectly natural questions on our first conversation when I came out.  "Are you planning to leave me?"  "Will you be attracted to men?" "What are your plans?"  "Why didn't you tell me before?" (Answers: No; unlikely; see a therapist and play it by ear from there; I was in denial.  I anticipated the questions and had the answers ready.) 

 

But, in that same conversation, she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  It doesn't get any better than that.  She meant it, too.  She helps me shop for clothes and suggests jewellery that would suit me.

 

She is not comfortable calling herself a lesbian.  She says she is just a "lesbian by marriage".  But she has fun with it.  If we see some very conservative-looking little old ladies in town (it's a bit of a bible-belt down in the valley), she'll whisper in my ear, "Let's hold hands and freak them out! Bwah-ha-ha!"

 

Our relationship has improved since I came out.

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@KathyLauren I am so happy for you. I know others here with super wives and I hope some day I can say the same. I gave always been more concerned with making others happy and so I am?fearful of being rejected like my first marriage but I am hopeful with therapy and honesty that we will get there.

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Problems I have had... well let's see..

 

The first one was when I came out. She asked me, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" I have no idea where that came from, but have since discovered that it's a thing and a thing that happens more frequently than I would have expected. My answer was a long pause and then, "On what planet would I FIT in your underwear?" I was really heavy at the time. I could PROBABLY wear them now if I was so inclined but seriously? Somebody else's underwear? Ew. Besides, she's hippier than I am. There's no way they would fit right.

 

The next big hurdle was after GCS. She's not comfortable with the new accessories. Basically, she has yet to touch my, um, intimates during sex. There's honestly no point in removing my underwear. I find this extremely frustrating. She's turned into the "man" in our relationship in that she gets off, then gets up and goes to the store.

 

I've been working on myself. That's been a big part of my transition in that I'm sculpting myself into the woman I want to be. That includes losing a bunch of weight, toning getting definition, etc... That's been a problem for my wife because, "My transgender husband is prettier than I am."

That one hurt. A lot. She didn't mean it that way, but I'll carry the scars from that one for a good long time.

 

I'm happy that she accepts me, but I need to work on accepting that we're on different time tables. I've known that I was a woman forever. For her, this is a relatively recent development. I need to remind myself that if I want to keep the marriage together, I have to work harder.

 

Hugs!

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Hi 

 

Anger, shame, refusal to accept was the initial response.  Slowly calmed down.

 

yes I can be prettier as I am taller and thinner so she gets jealous about that.  Sex is completely gone.  Now that my breasts have announced they are coming she won’t touch my chest.

 

in public we have to appear as friends because she doesn’t want to be seen as a lesbian.  
 

giving myself DEP she doesn’t want to see it.  Walked in on me this morning, not my fault I just stuck myself and proceeded right in front of her.

 

we get along really good now, but it was touch and go for a while.  Be sensitive to her feelings and reactions and go slow.  
 

Willow

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My wife had many of the same questions and issues as KathyLauren's wife.  She wanted to know if I would seek out men, how our son would react, and how she would explain it to her very Catholic family.  She was worried if I would be accepted in public and what it would mean to her if I wasn't.  it took a year or so to really come around.  What sealed the deal was when we went out to a restaurant and the wait staff called me "Ma'am" and my wife saw that I could be taken as the woman I was.  BTW, her family did accept me.

 

Carolyn Marie

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8 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%.

My wife is the same. Completely on board...she’s my best ally, best friend and lover.

 

She had some justifiable concerns early in my transition. I’m a ‘girlie’ girl and she was a bit concerned with a few things I wanted to wear dealing with wearing dresses outside during the first month of being out to her, skirt length a little later, and then buying too revealing tops to try to show the very small amount of cleavage I had..lol  Over time, she and I got on the same page with my wardrobe and when I fine tuned my styles a bit, these issues evaporated.

 

The only other issue was early in my transition too. When I finally came out to her as trans she wanted ALL my secrets revealed if there were any others she didn’t know. She asked this question of me so I did the right thing and revealed to her my last secret that I like men too. Surprisingly, she didn’t respond badly at all because, as it turns out, she and I are both bi. None of my unscheduled revelations were even a factor until shortly after we started our discussion on my getting GRS in Dec. 2019. One night, we were out with girlfriends and I announced to them that I was getting GRS.  One of our girlfriends put this stupid idea into my wife’s head telling her, “After her surgery, Susan is going to want a man really bad and she won’t be able to help herself. I worry something could happen when she gets her new equipment.” I was so mad because it was so untrue. I explained to my wife and our friend that just because I’m sexually attracted to both sexes, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop being monogamous and start being disloyal to her. I never did this with women and I would not do it with men. It bothered my wife a little because she brought it up a few times shortly thereafter. But over the past 9 or 10 months it’s been a completely moot point. We both talk openly about a guy or a girl we both agree is handsome or cute and she is perfectly content I would never drop her for them...? I’d be an idiot to even consider it.

 

Susan R?

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I'm fairly early in transition, came out to my wife about a year ago. No HRT, but experimenting with my look, style, hair, etc. The biggest issue with my wife has been me keeping this from her. I seriously started questioning myself about 4 years ago and kept it from her. I started getting mani/pedi several years ago, then shaving and waxing. That was acceptable, we should have talked about it but didn't. I was terrified to talk to her about it, fear of rejection and all that. I still struggle to have important conversations with her. I'm terrible at communicating.

She is slowly coming around. She has said she will stay with me for the long haul. I'm only dressing fully femme at home (WFH during covid has actually helped in that regard). We are both together all the time. I've adopted a genderfluid persona. I share my true self with those in my inner circle, but I'm expressing myself publicly as kind of a metrosexual/hipster/millennial/gendequeer, I guess. I'm not sure what all that means but I'm mixing feminine pieces with my old clothes so that I can slowly transition publicly. 

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6 hours ago, Shay said:

@KathyLauren  I have always been more concerned with making others happy and so I am?fearful of being rejected 


 

This is SO me - always putting others first.  Like Duh, here I am looking at transition and I’m asking about my wife.  And thinking about it’s impact on my kids.  And extended family.  
 

* le sigh *

 

Thanks to guidance in forums like this I think I handled the initial coming out pretty well, consulting a therapist once my “egg cracked” and working through how to explain my situation.  My wife has been very understanding and supportive so far, but I’ve gone VERY slowly...   so interested in how other are dealing.  
 

 

??️‍⚧️??️‍⚧️
 

 

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My wife keeps asking what the timeline is, when I will I come out to more people, when will I present more, and I don't really have answers.  

 

Don't really go anywhere except for errands, and as for coming out to people I'm close with I kinda want to do so in person and there's not a lot of in-person meetings going on outside the few in the vicinity. 

 

Don't have any idea what our problems would be in a non-pandemic reality, since my proverbial egg cracked during this whole deal. 

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13 hours ago, RhondaS said:Don't have any idea what our problems would be in a non-pandemic reality, since my proverbial egg cracked during this whole deal. 

Right? I feel like In some ways the pandemic has frozen us all in time. Almost zero interactions with others means I don’t really have to address more public questions about my longer hair (I pin it back on zoom), my waning facial hair (doesn’t show up on video), budding, my softer skin and longer nails (again, viva zoom!).  At the same time it’s been easier to dip my toe in the water with those changes.  
 

at the same time, we have kids and I don’t really present female except internally.  It’s allowed me to take this super slow and my spouse doesn’t really seem bothered or sometimes even to notice?  
 

??‍♀️

 

I guess the glacial pace of change and the close quarters reinforces that changes be damned, I’m still me!

 

 

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Hi @RobynNYC!  Its a great question and something most of us are or have dealt with.
My situation is a combination of @Shay's and very close to @JamieL's in timeline, limits and not being on HRT yet.

We actually had our very first (and very looooong) discussion about it all tonight (after a 2 month hiatus of not talking anything gender related).  It showed we had a REALLY long way to go as a couple still, but the good part was this time there was not a BIG meltdown (for either of us) and we ended with cuddling in front of the TV.  So, that's progress in my book. 

Everybody has a different path, different story ... but for those of us with mates that we love, the hope is the same end results, with both partners happy (and hopefully together).

Wishing you the Best❣️

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@KayC so glad cuddles came. That is progress. And yes our journeys are as unique as we are but thank God for TP and loving, caring ladies like you.

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@KayC
So glad you had that chat and had some cuddle time. We did the same recently and just a little chat with some cuddles made a huge difference in our relationship. More to come!

 

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Oh, there's been so much cuddling over the last half a year since I told the Mrs. 

 

I thought when I was deciding to finally do it that the slow progress would help her (and everyone) get gradually used to the idea and, again, the pandemic's extended run has thrown some of that out the window.

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Thank you @Shay and @JamieL.  Actually next day was a rinse and repeat and a bit more down, but we made it through.
I guess the good news is the hard times still occur but don't seem to last as long.  So, for now, I will take that.  We were good the rest of the weekend.

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Hi everyone 

 

well this is related to this topic but not directly.  Last night my wife and I told our youngest granddaughter.  She is 13.  Her mother told us we should and that she thought it would actually be a good thing.  She was quite surprised but happy to hear all about it. I think her mother is right there is something going on that she needs help sorting out.

 

the connection here to me is this is telling someone close when you don’t know how it will go and having it turn out well.

 

have a great day

 

Willow

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  • 10 months later...
On 12/18/2020 at 7:38 AM, KathyLauren said:

I hit the jackpot with my wife.  She has been totally understanding and helpful.  100%. 

 

She had some perfectly natural questions on our first conversation when I came out.  "Are you planning to leave me?"  "Will you be attracted to men?" "What are your plans?"  "Why didn't you tell me before?" (Answers: No; unlikely; see a therapist and play it by ear from there; I was in denial.  I anticipated the questions and had the answers ready.) 

 

But, in that same conversation, she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  It doesn't get any better than that.  She meant it, too.  She helps me shop for clothes and suggests jewellery that would suit me.

 

She is not comfortable calling herself a lesbian.  She says she is just a "lesbian by marriage".  But she has fun with it.  If we see some very conservative-looking little old ladies in town (it's a bit of a bible-belt down in the valley), she'll whisper in my ear, "Let's hold hands and freak them out! Bwah-ha-ha!"

 

Our relationship has improved since I came out.

I love that your relationship has improved since coming out! Wonderful!!

 

We are still early in our post coming out phase. What's wonderful is our intimytimes and relationship in general in private has improved immeasurably for us both.

 

But my wife is desperately uncomfortable with me presenting female in public, and discourages me from participating in zoom support group chats (no in person options during COVID-19).

 

Her biggest freakout occurred after a conversation with a supportive transwoman we were introduced to by our pastor in confidence. We were going to meet in church, and that was too much and way too fast for her.

 

I am slowing transition and hoping she grows more comfortable with me and us. We really love each other after 33 years of marriage, but change like this is hard on her.

 

Nimue

 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I loved reading all the responses on this thread.  I figured myself as trans last year and came out to my wife.  Things were rough at first.  She was upset and asked a lot of questions.  Am I turning gay or bi?  Will I want to transition?  Am I going to leave her?  We had a lot of intense conversations and she needed a lot of reassurance.

 

Now a year and four months later I'm dressed as a woman full time at home and I can wear makeup and perfume around her.  I'm out as trans at work and my wife even helps me with my makeup in the mornings.  

 

She is still drawing the line at any physical transitioning, though I would like to go on HRT one day.

 

At work ohe of the young workers there even referred to me as her wife and while it startled her, it didn't freak her out!  (I'm a manager of a thrift shop and my wife volunteers on Saturdays,)

 

We've been married for 16 and a half years and we've always had a deeply loving relationship.  She has told me she always knew I had a feminine side and it;s one of the things she loves about me because I'm compassionate and caring,  I have a 24 karat wife here and I will do everything i can to hold on to her.

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24 minutes ago, Becoming Diana said:

I have a 24 karat wife here and I will do everything i can to hold on to her.

That’s a great compliment, and I’m so happy for you both.

 

Hugs

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That’s a great compliment, and I’m so happy for you both.

Hugs

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you so much!

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Congrats. Mine has not been that smooth.

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I am just curious Diana.....Have you had to mention your wife in a conversation with someone who only knows you as female?

That was and continues to be awkward at times as it is coming out publicly as a lesbian.  Even in the wonderful state of NJ that can be awkward at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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    • Abigail Genevieve
      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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