Family Holiday Gathering and Presentation

[Robin.C]

Looked through a few posts and I wasn't able to find anything specific. Maybe I don't know what I'm trying to ask.

I shall give it a try anyway.

It's coming up to the time for family dinners around Christmas. For us it's one day with this part of the family another day with that part of the family, this dinner with your friends, etc.

I feel like I'm going back into my shell (back to boy mode). Is this something anyone else has experienced.

My thoughts are that I'm trying to hide again so I don't have to field any questions about the way I look or present.

Has anybody else felt themselves doing it subconsciously or even planned.

I am just trying to put my finger on these feelings that I am sensing.

 

Do I just need to put on my big girls blouse and just be done with it and enjoy my Christmas and ignore any comments ?

Early transition is a minefield of weird emotions and feelings.

 

Hugs

Robin

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Robin.C said:

Do I just need to put on my big girls blouse and just be done with it and enjoy my Christmas and ignore any comments ?

 

I was worried for a minute about your dinner hopping this year, but you are in a place where the Covid Virus is under a good degree of control. 

 

If they know you are coming out and being yourself, yes wear comfortable and tasteful female clothing.  I would wear something like a plain color blouse and maybe slacks or a simple skirt and subtle makeup.  The real talk comes from over the top outfits that reinforce people's prejudice about Drag Queens.  Conservative but definite female attire is fine and gets people paying attention above your neck, that is the best situation of all. Wearing a smile helps thing greatly too.

 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Robin.C said:

My thoughts are that I'm trying to hide again so I don't have to field any questions about the way I look or present.

Has anybody else felt themselves doing it subconsciously or even planned.

Hey Robin, I had this very question too early in my transition back in 2018. I had come out to my wife a few weeks before a huge family Christmas gathering we had together as a family...grandkids and all, My wife and I had to decide to stick to our timeline or go for broke and surprise everyone. I decided to NOT come out to everyone at that time because I was not yet prepared mentally or socially.

 You shouldn’t put pressure on yourself to ‘come out’ to family at Christmas just because it’s a holiday and you feel like getting it done all at once unless you really feel the need, or time or even overdue. You might decide to share your news later with some of your family before others. You might decide to do it with someone ‘one on one’ or however you feel comfortable doing it. You don’t have to think of it as hiding, IMHO you’re just being smart and cautious and you just want to do it on your own terms.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Robin.C]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

You don’t have to think of it as hiding, IMHO you’re just being smart and cautious and you just want to do it on your own terms.

Thank you my paranoia was getting it's little bottom going.

2 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

This is actually my last Christmas with my family who is deeply transphobic.

That's really sad, though sometimes it is what it is. I have yet to see what my family will be like.

3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Wearing a smile helps thing greatly too.

They'll know something is up if I do that ?

 

Hugs

Robin

[MirandaB]

Was actually pondering this issue months ago but the way we've handled covid here in the US means I can table that decision until 2021. 

[Audrey]

@Robin.C I'm totally in this moment now myself, early in transition and wondering if this is the right time to come out to anyone in my family. So far, I've only come out to friends and my partner, which has been an overwhelmingly positive experience so far. I'm riding a bit of an emotional high and feeling like I want to keep that positive energy going. I have a pretty good idea that my mother will be supportive when I do come out, but I'm a lot less sure about my brother, father, and extended family (some of who would be "God made you male and He doesn't make mistakes" types). Part of me wants to wait until I'm further in transition and more passable than I am now, but another part of me wants to know what coming out will do to my family relationships so they can transition along with me from an earlier stage. This year though, I'm not traveling to see any family as they're all out of state and the idea of getting on a plane during COVID-19 doesn't sit well with me. Coming out on Zoom isn't ideal, but it's has the only way to see some people in my life since March.

 

The other consideration for me is that I have a relative in poor physical and cognitive health, and this is likely to be his last Christmas. I feel like the focus should really be on making this a happy holiday season for him, rather than the holiday season when I came out. So I might take the approach that @Susan R describes by being more cautious and maybe coming out to someone 1:1.

 

Wishing you the best with coming out if you decide to do it!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Robin.  Perhaps I missed something, but it is not clear to me whether or not you are already out to family.

 

If not, I would hold off on coming out until after Christmas.  People get upset if anything throws of their preconceptions about that particular holiday.  In general, it is not a good time for people to accept change.

 

On the other hand, if you are already out to them, then it is a perfect time to show them who you really are.  Dress like they expect ladies to dress for Christmas and have fun being yourself.

[Robin.C]

@KathyLauren you haven't missed anything. I haven't come out to my family only my partner and two close friends who have all been very supportive.

I still feel unprepared to deal with my family as yet.

Definitely going to leave it until after Christmas so we can all just be a happy family ??

 

Hugs

Robin

[Rorelai]

Happy belated holidays! I'm not sure how much more celebrating you have planned now, but I know the first holiday season after I'd come out was tricky to navigate for me. I had come out the summer before moving away for college, and all through my first semester I'd been living full-time as Rory and I'd been out to everyone on campus. When I went home for Thanksgiving I detransitioned for the most part, my family had seen me wearing makeup and growing out my hair so it wasn't so much that I was hiding anything, just that I wasn't explaining my gender to anyone. It got weird then when my family came up to visit and attended a jazz concert I was playing in and saw my name as Rory on the program, so when I went home for winter break I did end up coming out to my immediate family. Over the next couple weeks I danced around between being Rory sometimes, and [name redacted] around other family members. Finally on new years day I came out publicly via Facebook and since then I've let my extended family figure out the rest on their own. Now three years later I don't really think twice about being out to my family, but it's still a bit weird to navigate around the distant cousins and and relations that I only see a couple times a year who still struggle with misgendering/dead naming me and I don't know how long that'll take to get better.