Where did this come from?

[miz miranda]

The primary source of confusion and doubt for are the fact my feeling that I am woman appeared out of the blue at the age of 64. It was an intense set of feelings including feelings of dysphoria that overwhelmed me. I did plenty of research and came across a place that did makeovers for Trans women and cross dressers. I decided to have one done. It was wonderful and I experienced bliss when I first saw myself all dressed up. I still look at the pictures from the photo shoot to relieve stress from dysphoria incidents

 

I have debating myself with question after question and getting no resolution ever since. In my soul, the feeling of gender euphoria during the makeover tells me I have the answer. I am having trouble accepting myself largely due to the sudden appearance.

 

Has anyone had the same experience?  I don't think I'm the only one but seem to cling to that to avoid accepting myself.

 

Miranda

 

 

[Jackie C.]

While it was PAINFULLY obvious in retrospect I didn't put the pieces together until I was 48. Then I dressed as myself for the first time and... well, I never wanted that feeling to end.

 

The signs were definitely there -

 

• Pretended to be a girl as early as age three
• Always identified with the female characters in movies and TV
• Spent Junior High and High School thinking, "I wish I was a lesbian."
• Spent all my game time playing female characters
• Absolute rubbish at being a guy, I mean really I hated every second
• Tried to castrate myself as a teen. Twice. (Probably should have been a red flag, yeah?)

 

The thing is, back in the 70's, we didn't have the language and trans-people in the Midwest were never portrayed in a positive light. I mean the closest you got was fetish material. Otherwise they were the butt of jokes and a constant stream of, "Ew, gross" transphobia. Internalized transphobia is a heck of a thing.

 

And that's what it was. Internalized transphobia (I can't be one of THOSE people) coupled with a lack of education. It led to 48 years of misery that could have been avoided if people were a little more open minded and free with information back in the 70s and 80s.

 

I hope some of that helps. I ramble sometimes.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

There are too many things I've discovered to go back to that old mind set that left me feeling confined and miserable. Yeah, I don't look forward to the constant uphill battle society presents. It be nice not having to worry about the toxic opinions or the stabbing questions that come with the small complication of not applying to just one or the other. I know what I am, and it is far more free than I was before and I'm looking forward to the fullness and peace of the moment, where I can sit with myself as myself and not hate every moment. 

[Audrey]

I feel like I could and (even should have!) put the pieces together in my own life a lot sooner. I often wonder what life would be like if I'd transitioned sooner. Some things I recall from my own past...

• All of my close friends have been girls or women ever since childhood
• As a child, I often drew pictures of boys becoming girls (I still have a few of these)
• Saying to an elementary school teacher, "When I grow up, I want to be a girl"
• I shaved all my facial and body hair off ever since it started appearing as a teenager
• I often sneaked into my mother's closet to wear her clothes when no one was home
• The discovery of the transgender community online really spoke my feelings (my "aha!" moment, late 1990's)
• Being the "man" in an intimate relationship always felt wrong
• Intimate partners making comments about my apparent femininity

All of that said, I think it's a very common experience that our understanding of our gender identity and expression can develop over a lifetime. It's never too late to start living your authentic self. Miranda, I think the way you felt after your makeover is telling you something important - an "aha!" moment of your own, that woke up something inside of you that has been dormant but looking for the chance to wake up. It's understandable and natural to question it and feel confused. Others on the forum here have suggested that talking things through with a gender therapist can be helpful. I've talked with a (general) therapist and it helped me get some clarity, and it wasn't until earlier this year that I finally decided that it was time to stop pretending I'm a cisgender man and start embracing myself as a transgender woman after denying it for decades.

 

I've *never* been happier.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KathyLauren]

In hindsight, there were all kinds of signs earlier on.  I can see signs (now) going back to my childhood.  Realistically, I should have been able to figure it out by my forties.  But denial and that internalized transphobia that @Jackie C. talks about were hard at work.

 

I can't count how many times I wondered if I might be transgender, but talked myself out of it.  "I can't be one of THOSE people."  Exactly.  It took until I was 61 to start to investigate it seriously.  And here I am, at 66, living the dream.

[miz miranda]

Ironically, my 'aha' moment came when I felt the most positive I had ever felt about myself. Perhaps it was only because I felt good that i allowed myself to begin to consider what I may have been fighting all along.

 

@Audrey

 

I am starting to research gender therapy, as an engineer I research everything. I'm pretty sure it will be invaluable in this journey. I'm still fighting 60 years of being socialized to avoid asking for help.

 

It is very comforting to know others have been through the struggle and moved forward through it all.

[Audrey]

That sounds like a truly lovely "aha!" moment, Miranda!

You're absolutely right that it's super challenging to shake off years of socializing and interacting with the world a certain way. U.S. culture certainly doesn't make it easier with its rigid, binary ways of thinking about gender identity and expression - but things are slowly changing. I'm hopeful your first steps in your journey give you even more hope and insight into who you are and how you want to live your life.

 

Love,

~Audrey.