Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

'Daddy Kisses' I will almost definitely change this title)


Kestrel McLoughlin

Recommended Posts

Kestrel McLoughlin

A few disclaimers:

 

 

  • Trigger warning for dysphoria, and vague references to transphobic violence.
  • This is a draft, and I write out of order. There are large gaps here. This is the beginning of something.
  • Thanks all!

 

Daddy Kisses

 

My child once told me

he doesn’t like Daddy kisses anymore

I’m proud of him for speaking his boundary

Though when I found out it’s because “Daddy kisses are prickly”

That’s the moment I knew

I couldn’t bear hair across my cheek anymore

Not before,

Where I felt just hints, just envy

Something or other about always being soft

 

I only noticed how much I needed the hair off

When it hurt someone other than me.

 
 

 
 

Everywhere around me

People make statements with their bodies

of vitality and joie

Indomitability and light

 
 

In each environment

Are raptors vulturing and pack alphas pecking

Who think plumage are signals to them

 
 

Apprehensive and alien-feeling

I can’t show my fuzzy skin like others bare skin

But I can be bright for you

My skin can’t gleam like others’ can

But I can don glimmer

 
 

 

I’ve had to look up each term

To seek what feels right

It takes so long when there’s no one to ask

There’s a specific term for

a buttoned top flowing below the waist

A top that just says -expletive- it and keeps going to the ankles

For a top pretending to have buttons but wraps around instead

For pants so billowy they pretend to be a dress when you’re still

For a modern version of a wizard’s cloak for hot weather

For a fuzzy blanket you can wear to the orchestra and dinner parties and at work

These are just things that half of my community’s people just know about and wear

 

 

There seem to be eligibility criteria.

I’m scolded for expressions of brightness

By those who wear dinosaurs to work;

For showing hues not found in nature

Deep bright radioactive blues

And purples that look like raw energy harvested and hoarded by leaves

That placate onlookers with unwanted green the plants don’t care to keep

(Isn’t that the most beautiful fact?

All earthling life that photosynthesizes

Reflects back light in the green spectrum

Because it absorbs red and blue light and makes of it raw energy;

They reflect outward neutrality

While the energy within them is purple)

 
 

Most crucially

This is not a fashion statement

There is a unifying word

For so much I identify as Me

And yet those with completely different qualities

Have just as much a right to the word

Isn’t it a funny language

Isn’t it a funny world

 
 

I have precious few friends

Who illuminate the rooms they’re in

And those  

Whose light and warmth crosses a threshold

And ignites me like a pilot light sparked in a chamber already fuming

 

Considering the uncomfortable almost outraged laughter

Of those I’ve loved

As they notice sparks of my actual disposition and self

(Colour, dancing as transportation, communicating with clothes)

I begin to understand

How they became suspicious and disapproving

Of my truest friends:

When people love someone who they correctively reduce,

How invasive celebrators and enablers must feel to them.

 
 

 

There’s allegedly an eligibility outside my scope to be these things

I hate how comforting strangers’ silent approval feels

When I finally just become grey and black

In accord with their funny specific little rules

They arbitrarily called normal:

Long ago in England it was solemnized

That the only way a person with this body type

May be included in civil society is to wear a bizarrely long straight black scarf

And a jacket with a jaggedy lapel;

August or not

You will wear a boring scarf and a thick jacket.

When you comply your reward is comfortable invisibility

In this context it is hazardous to be distinguishable from non-existence;

The slightest divergence from this rubric,

Is at best equivalent

to well-seasoned flatulence

or bad 90s grunge in earphones that might as well be speakers

Or at its worst is hazardous.  Existentially hazardous.

 
 

That first morning my child and I

Slowly removed inch by inch of hair

The consistency of a shoe brush

Experimentally kissing the remainder each time

Until we were equally lovely to the touch

 
 

He is still allowed to be soft

And bright

For another few years

I wonder

In his second decade

Will he require bravery

And will we be equipped to give him somewhere he doesn’t need to be brave

 

 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 57 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • Kasumi63
    • Gabriel
    • Sheilasayan
    • Katharina
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      73,949
    • Total Posts
      683,261
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,369
    • Most Online
      8,356

    porcelain
    Newest Member
    porcelain
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      Thank you for expressing your thoughts so very well, Mary Jane.  Like you, I have had times in my life when I raised the same question; why keep living.  About 20 years ago I suffered a defeat and humiliation at work, and I thought about that question.  I gave life another shot, and a wonderful colleague may have saved my life by offering me a job and a chance to redeem myself.  If I had succumbed to the desire to end it all, I would have never known about that chance.  No matter how bad things seem, something almost always comes along to give us reasons to keep living.  I hope you always find those reasons, hon.  I hope that anyone who asks themselves that question finds the reasons to keep living.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Becoming Jordan
      I will have to update tomorrow since im about to lay down. But this girl is going to be sleeping with a giant smile and im gonna be having some very nice dreams. Good night yall and sweet dreams 
    • KymmieL
      Well the wagon wasn't finished. So, we are driving our new Ranger to Bowling Green.  Currently staying the night in Kearney, NE. I'm a little bummed about it. but gives us a chance to get the wagon more complete.   Kymmie
    • Susan R
      I’m so sorry you had to go though that BS, Kimber. It’s something many of us experience. I have been treated badly in the past as well.   Earlier in my transition, I was treated very differently at my nail salon. My cis g/f and I went for the same gel french tips. When she was rung up she was charged $37. Then five minutes later I was charged $53 and our nails were identical. I was going to make a big scene about the discrepancy but the place was packed and I just wasn’t in the mood. Besides, I have much better things to do with my time. I just never went there again. Before Covid I spent a fortune on my nails…their loss.   Susan R🌷
    • Kimber M
      Found a new hair salon to get my hair done on Monday.Last one retired on me and had to look for another one.Took me a second try and the owner said how about Thursday at 9:00 AM,it works for me saying yes.Did see there was something about me and kindly asked me if I was transgender telling her yes,said I am welcomed in her hair salon treating transgender women the same.First one told me to leave and I wasn't too happy about it at all.
    • Susan R
      Welcome to our forum @claudia1 It’s a pleasure to meet you.   It sounds like you found what works for you and where you’re most comfortable. Everyone’s journey is unique. One of the most important things you’ve got is a supportive partner that can help you along in your journey. So many of us in the community have to forego this wonderful benefit and go though it alone or with a unsupportive partner. You have been blessed.   I’m glad you’re here and joining in on the fun.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Linda Marie
      I have been posting music videos of my guitars, and Mable (my sax) just sits there weeping when do you play me? I am still just a beginner on the sax (5years). I've learned the scales and learned one song on it then the accident.  Still before the accident I was doing pretty good with it. I really love the sax.  She is very temperamental, meaning I will have to clean her up, boil the mouth piece and change the reed, a little polishing up, tune it back up and make a fool of my sax playing here. I look forward to it and so does Mable. She is getting lonely just sitting there.  LM♥️        
    • Mary Jane
      No one needs to help I really just need to get this out, sorry if this is in the wrong forum thing   Why keep living? I’m different, who would even want to be friends with me?, I know I can be a bother and why keep trying?   why keep living? I guess because of good experiences the many I’ve had, trips to the arcade I like, watching movies I love, playing games that has made life great (well while the games are good for me)   but I’m different 😔 and yet why care right? As more and more people get more competitive I can enjoy games more than others as in just enjoy it not enjoy the competition, I’m kind and this world needs more kind people, I even try to help even if I’m pretty bad at it or I’m down too, and I haven’t done it since start of last school year but I can make myself not feel sad anymore it’s mostly because I mostly look for any positives which now I’m trying to do again   Yet who wants to be friends with me? I i know I’m mostly boring plus can be a bother... but it can also be worth it to get to know me    why keep trying? That I don’t really know, things try to mentally kill me yet things try to keep making me keep going all the good like video games, movies, cartoons, everything else that’s good keeps trying to keep me going. I’m mainly trying for me but I’m happy there’s one more reason: for my best friend
    • Davie
      Thanks, Delcina    Good comments. You must be a writer yourself to say it like that. Actually, the voice of the poem is a mtf six-year-old, so his syntax is a bit taxed. My stories get supported (in a subconscious way) by my poems. This won't actually be in the story itself, but it's essential to find the right voice and poems do that. The whole thing is very early work-in-progress. cheers, David PS: It'll probably take a year to finish, if I'm lucky. That's a time lapse.
    • Teri Anne
      Looks like fun Bri enjoy yourself.
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Claudia, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf🐾
    • Ellie Jean
      Same way I feel about my dad lol...Well, actually I can't cut him completely out of my life yet because of the half-million dollar life insurance policy my 70 year old mother has on him; it's set up to transfer over to me in the event mom dies before dad dies, so both me and mom are actively wishing for my father's death lol. (They got divorced years ago; he screwed her out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by letting the farm in Alaska she bought go into foreclosure so that she couldn't sell it. The bank owns my childhood home now and my siblings and father have all been kicked out of it. ....If I ever become independently wealthy I'm totally gonna by our old farm back. ...Lotta horrible memories there....but a lot of good ones too. 😥
    • Jackie C.
      Oh that does look nice. I need to pamper myself more.   Hugs!
    • Ellie Jean
    • Mary Jane
      Yep I've felt this even now, I don't know how I keep going or why but there's things that just won't let me give up not till I really 100% mean it and you aren't being selfish everyone's problem can't be measured and compared by the problem they can only be measured and compared by how the person feels    And remember that other post you did searching for friends? You don't need to worry about me leaving you because I give multiple chances, in fact I'm practically friends with someone that used to bully me thanks to it. There's better people to be friends with than me but I'm always an option at least   And sorry that I can't say more
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...