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I'm not a math guy


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Hello, Ivan, 30.


I've been programming for over 6 years, but I never tried to perform my hobby into a real work. In a real work I have to provide professional code, which I can't due to my intelligence and as I never studied a programming in university. After some time I got sick and I am disappointed in programming. I really very very very disappointed in programming as it was made by people, stupid and simple people and I don't want to waste my time on it anymore.

Another thing is math. I think it's a science given by god, not by people. You can figure out about how universe being created.

I tried to learn math from 5 class of school and I understand that I know nothing in math and I should start doing math  from 1 class. I'm using study books from school and university and get a video solution, where all things are explained in video with voice, which is explaining task.

Another thing to learn math, is it's because a necessary school program and in my opinion everyone should know that on A+ up to 11 class.

In case I want a good work firstly I should know math, russian (my country language), physics, chemistry, history.

There are a lot of things to learn in this life and I live because if that.

My life is suck, I was going to get a disability group into my disease, which will stay for 1 year.

I really have a hard disease.

Another thing is I don't had any kind of relationship, I'm living like schizophrenic. I think I have a schizophrenia, which don't let me to have a relationship and communicate with people. I would like to transform myself into a woman as I am a woman by nature and I feel that, however, it's just insane and nobody can help with that.

I also can't have a psychologist, because it 1) costs a lot of money 2) won't meet me.

I'm keep watching math video from a first class as I think my knowledge of math to 11 class will make my life good.

Maybe there is a complete course with math which does guarantee employment opportunities, so I become not a dude with 9 class of education, but real professional. which is costs in this world.

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Ivan.

   I must admit to not doing all that well in math as a ychild in school.  I certainly understood the concepts but  simple arithmetic mistakes always seemed to set me back.  Odd how time and age have changed that issue.  Now not i not only seem to do some rather large calculations in my mind but there is also a calculator in my phone!   Best of luck with your efforts!  Your persistence will carry you.





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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Ivan,


I have sometimes found maths strange too as I was quite good at school, then bad, then good again. I have since found it a useful tool for sorting out some problems which cannot easily be sorted in any other way so I found it good to learn. Good luck with your studies. I imagine there are no guarentees of employment anywhere these days so you are not alone if such problems. Determination will win you through though.


Languages are difficult, particularly when the alphabet is not the same so I imagine you do not find English very easy. If you have problems we will help if we can.


I am sorry you cannot see a psychologist or gender therapist. I know that there are people who are helpful in your country but please be very careful as I understand the authorites can be hostile. Please don't hesitate to read here and join in as you feel able as we are very supportive.


С Новым Годом




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I wrote this to a friend, however, I thought to put it here, maybe someone from you can help me with that.


I think in this world exists a Creator of the World or a God. The image of the God is way different then we think, he or she (or probably it) has a crown on the head and he/she perfect in everything. He knows math, physics, languages, and perfect in science. He wasn't been a human, otherwise its -crap-. Probably Creator of the World created this universe. Why I think like that? Because if he was a human we would suffer from a great pain. Universe would been bad, but this universe is good one.  I know how I feel where no God is exists, so if we will be Gods and going to create a universe this universe will be much weird rather then this one.
Another thing is perpetual motion machine. I don't know why I choose such definition, but I think this definition make sense.
I firstly thing that people resources like live being used highly developed aliens for oil and things like that. I made it up for about a three things that being humans been able to use as oil. Second resource is a lack of evolution, we think there are another highly developed worlds and universes, and we know that we can't reach them. This knowledge that we can't reach them is a resource and it might be an electrocity resource for highly developed aliens.
I firstly though that no way to bypass perpetual motion machine because it's life and no way around, however, with time, I think everything operates only by humanity rights. I think most non-thinking or bad people will stand or come to a perpetual motion machine which takes thousands milliards of human years. First reason to stay or come on PMM is when you implement animal instincts, so you -expletive- and you are a best candidate on PMM. I started to think that people is different and very conscious, so I think almost everyone will stay because they didn't believe on God. Again, God might be a different form and sizes, it might be a structure or anything. 
I think it's important to knows what is karma, karma is not a fate how it is a translation.
To say short, I realized everything. I think God loves me and I love god, doesn't matter what form it has. I think I am a pet (favorite) of a God, this way I won't suffered from thousand milliard years on a PMM or something like that. I know this is life and deadlines does matter.
I also created this theory because I have luck of sex and inability to -expletive- with a human, so I developed this theory with time.
Another thing is, my thoughts. If I have incorrect though I feeling extremely bad and feel some kind of a schizophrenia, but when I think right it partially disappears.  I know and it's important for me to be a favorite for a God, because we (or me) get rid from pain and we (or me) realize that almost all people will suffer in a great pain. However,  I can fail and this world doesn't operate humanity. At least, I didn't kill someone, maybe with developing and releasing cheats in public I made a dead game, and some people who loves it suicide, however, even with that, I am still alive and feel myself as a human, however, schizophrenia still owns me, not me owns it.
I don't know what else to say, but I hate people who -expletive- and call them animals and it's about 99,9% percent of people. I don't believe how people have no shame and living only their animal instincts. I call you animal not to offense, but make you realize I feel bad without -expletive- and developing all kind of theories around it. 
I think my last theory is right.
No much to say, I think math is a key to start understanding the laws of universe.
I thank God that probably can get rid me from great pain of thousand of milliards of years at long.
I have to study school program to not fall into degradation and start to have bad habits and to complain about our government. 
Maybe my theory is -crap-, however, I still do trying to believe that this people who -expletive- or tred to -expletive- will stay on PMM without exclusions. I live with this knowledge and I feel good with such thoughts, they will got their punishment for sure and it's not being discussed.
Like I said I should educate myself. Maybe restore in college or take an evening school.
I believe with such though and such understanding in live should bring me an expensive car, however, doesn't matter what I say to Bugatti makes no sense, they simply not replying. I know there are no much people like me, so I believe is possible to get a Lamborghini (I very like a Lamborghini car), however, like I said, there is no result in it.
After holidays I will probably come into evening school.
I must say that I still feeling bad. I know what tables I drink, all of them is from a schizophrenia. I think I don't have a schizophrenia, because in case I would I would feel myself better.
I don't know how to get rid from suffering schizophrenia. I think our doctors can't treat such illness, so I believe only in time. Yes, after a while its better, but not as much as I would drink proper tablets.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Ivan,


I think that only doctors can help with schizophrenia. Perhaps you can get some advice from a health professional?


It does sound like you really need to get some plans together to make your way forward in life. It is possible without help but not easy. It is possible to get to where you can afford to buy and run good cars but it is maybe best to sort out the little things to start at first. Just don't lose your dreams as they will help you see that there is a future, however bleak.


Take life day by day and put together a foundation that you can work on. Buildings last with good foundations. You will find things easier if you build your foundations. Maybe they are poor at them moment but little things put together help toward the life you wish.



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Hello Ivan

I have a lot of questions myself.  I just try to take one day at a time.  I think there are some things we will never know for sure.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Please not I wrote this to a friend, so there are things which you might didn't understand.

I think you are hiding lust. I think you are communicating with me only with a point to hide last, training on such people like me to mastering hiding of lust in real life.
I think 7 milliards of people each second thinking about how to hide last and they mastering this action. Regarding such people like me it's to late to start living lust (I think it would be age 13-14 to start living last, 15 it's too late). They (those people who living last and hiding it) made from such people like me (who didn't have lust or happiness) a regular fools which works on a crap work and turn them into a biorobots without feelings and rest human qualities. I was on a high mentally inept two years ago and I'm still very mentally inept. It's not possible for me to start a dialog and understand what some people say to someone or to me, however, nobody talk with me. It's not possible to talk with someone because I am turned into a fool who can't, and, most important, didn't even want to communicate. I think drug addicted people is also living last, they just looking for more happiness in life.
I created a threads about people living lust (such threads created by only me, I didn't seen those threads before) and they got eventually deleted or didn't approved by moderator or administrator. There was a thread on game development forum and posts, some of them told it's true and it's right that what you came into a mind, someone is just troll me, thinking I'm hiding a lust by creating such threads, after 3-5 days this thread was deleted and I am permanently banned, however, last thing I seen in a thread that why sick people always looking over there, then it (my thread about people living last) gets deleted by a moderator or administrator.
I firstly think to trap (transgender) and wear sexual woman closes, then, when alone, unlock some kind of the instinct by caressing myself and be happy with those feelings, however, I looked your code and for some reason I though not everything so easy, more than that, I have a though that I might die due to it might be self-surviving instinct which gets unlocked by being alone and unlock it through caressing  of yourself. I also wanted to use such tools like lipstick, paint my eyebrows, do a high make-up and unlock the instinct by caressing yourself by viewing on myself into a mirror, however, I got regular life troubles with finding a single apartments and a big mirror, I went insane when I tried to get a phone talk to an agency, which gets a single apartments for not such people like me thinking I'm going to make a noise, which is annoying as hell, however, I didn't tried to do that, however, I would to do that to make people made by let them suffering from noise or music, it gets me feeling better.
I then suffered for a while, I though to get a help from HR, however, I didn't asked them for that and keep suffering. After all that, I don't know if it was before or after all that, I seen a meme here on UC, with eyes of a races and last race was a kernel developer which shows his eyes are glossy or light on them. I think it was 3 years before or might be even 4. By an idea, I think I should come into a society and start a regular life, and, by having regular life I'll be having regular sex, however, I it didn't come into my account in those days back, however, instead of looking for sex I start thinking. More then that, there was a thread on some psychological forum where guy wanted to beat scary of a technical somewhat science and being in university he is figured out that eyes of such genius (I believe it was math rather then regular high skilled coder) are glossy. He (this guy) wasn't that seek like me, however, he also got troubles with chicks or girls, I don't really know why this trouble was and what the reason of it was, as he is a simple guy, not a math guy or a programmer who spend 10 years to growth that skill, I don't really know why he had such a big ego as he was just a regular human and knows absolutely nothing about math and programming area. He told that girls are stupid, he doesn't however said this directly, but he got troubles with that thing (sex). Anyways, I though the reason was that he highly interesting into engineering ways, and such -dimwits- will be always ignored by girls regarding having sex or even a relationship, such people who are addicted in something always being treat as fools and not a regular humans, which gots much respect, much more rather then people trying t archive at least something, those people are came to an ignore regarding relationship with a girls or womens.
I really disappointed to your that you hiding lust. I'm not really sure about this, however, everything leads to that. Anyway, you said you were using drugs, which isn't legit when it comes to a skill comparing, however, I might just be seek on that. I really disappointed to you, as you should realize that I will be never living lust and in case I got 100% proofs I still can't do anything regarding it. It's good that you respect me, however, you never provided me a proper respect because I'm addicted as hell and never said I became good at coding, rather then, my english is became good, which is dissapointed me. I gave you my code which I worked hard on it and purely destroyed my brain, by hollowed my the whole head, neck, and not by saying destroyed my complete life, having at age 30 no home, no car, no ability to live, no ability to talk, no ability to get a respect from someone, not having an ability to think in the way I am a regular human and similar things. I destroyed myself with this code of a array and linked list class, however, the was a code for packets, which is also destroyed me as a regular human. You didn't mention me to stop and have a regular life, otherwise I will come into very serious trouble regarding life, you didn't said that my skill is enough and as you didn't said I keep coding hard, looked in how array and linked list was implemented in some real engines like Unreal Engine or CryEngine.
I sent you this code which was written hard and on complete mentally inept and you didn't even looked into it. I think you respect me well enough to keep communication me, but not respect me well enough as a human. Regarding to compare our skill it's not even possible to compare as yours was to much better, however, like I said I put a lot effort to archive something in a code area, however, I failed miserably. You never provide a respect for me, which is really important, you (well, not exactly you, however, mostly it's you) went me to a path of a complete maniac and I fall into a epic amount of problems regarding regular life to live as a human. I am pretty sure I did a lot of effort to make yourself better at coding, however, like I said already, I did failed if to compare my abilities and yours. It might be a drugs, it might be a lack of social phobia, it might be I'm just a dumber then you and you are smarter then me in times, however, accepting this as a fact is destroying my self esteem.
I always keep looking in C++ code and in 99% of cases I didn't understand it at all. I looked, for example, how databases were written (ClickHouse) and somebody said it was written by a single person at age 24. I don't know if it was written by a single person, however, by common understanding such projects should be written by a group of an adequate people, however, I don't understand how they divide tasks. I think it 's better and easier to write such projects alone, however, I didn't really understand, how it's possible to be addicted as somebody who wrote this is a complete genius; such genius, however, a lot, since there are a lot of non understable code over the internet being written by a complete genius. Thousands of projects written by complete genius, and even if they divide a tasks, it still too advanced code for a human to understand it. It's not possible to understand 99% of code over the internet. The language is also doesn't matter, it might be a C++, or Java, or C# or something else. I only might understand a code of an algorithms, by having a books of an algorithms it's possible to understand this code, however, there is still a code which is not possible to understand.
Anyway, what happened to me later was a complete hell. 
I got an schizophrenia. 
I think it started 5 years ago, and, like I said, it started with mem on UC with blinked eyes. I realize that I seen those meme was 3 years ago, however, I think I hit by schizophrenia earlier and start to suffer a lot earlier, before then I seen those meme.
I started with a VK (most popular social network in Russia) account, and I looked for to have a sex with girls, however, once I realized I won't receive this kind of thing, eventually turned me into a troll. Before that (I think I should mention that) I pretty well communicated with a girl (or right now a women already) and I cryed to her for my hard school ages, we reviewed photos of my school times (on which I can't find myself or doesn't even able to find who is who on a photo). I don't really know why I fall into a compete -dimwit- or fool, however, I should mention it was a real talk with a living human, after that talk I never had a human talk.
Like I said, I eventually turned myself into a troll. I collected a lot of memes (I think it was more then 1000), and it was said that girls is a sluts and regular girls or women in Russia is a -friendly person-. I should mention that it was a highly sorted memes, I didn't put every meme. In case I put every meme I seen, but don't like much, I think it was 10000 rather then 1000.
There was a special troll pictures with a bear which comes from bush and telling a -friendly person-, or a women of a easy behavior and similar things like that. Those pictures made the girls I wrote to be mad as hell and they come into my main picture of a random guy over the  internet (I took it from another VK account in my city) and wrote that I am a -awesome person-, -dimwit- and things like that. I think I collected around 40 such posts which is made by a rage girls, the last comment was that a mental house is waiting for me, which, as turned later, was a reality.
Anyway, I should accept I went into a complete insanity and didn't understanding regular human-related laws. There was a girl which is posted that her brother is died, and I should rage on her, telling she is a -friendly person- and things like that. I highly rage on her thinking she is a -friendly person-, but her brother is dead. She said that no need to be angry on a sick persons like me and that's all. I remember my feeling when my cat is died and it was impossible to get past over it. I can't even imagine a feeling when my brother (don't bring a God) will die. It's impossible pain to get past over it.
Anyways, I used to keep troll. 
I should mentioned that I acted very weird and aside from picture with a bear was a weird insults, which I never think that I am possible to be made.
It (this page) is affected on my psyche very hard. I can't even explain how I did such weird thing by myself, I trolled almost 500 girls and it's really didn't left from my mind. I got a serious mental disease regarding this fact, more then that, I realized how I acted and I never perform such thing anymore. There is one thing, however, people over last 5 years became very different and nobody gets mad on as simple trolls, they just started to be a real fools, which forced to sit on a parents neck or having a guardianship from another people, as life from last 5 years became incredible hard, and especially, when you want to troll and you realize nobody accept your game anymore. I should admit people those days became much more weird rather then 5 years ago.
Regarding guardianship from another people.
I got a "helping" post recently. I explained my situation of forum, and, one from no much at count posts were said like if I had an guardianship from another people or parents. I acted adequate and said parents always guard me, getting a food and mostly that's it.
She were said that with those diagnosis some guy having a guardianship and gets into a life by having only professional qualities somewhat "implements" into a society with only professional qualities. I was always in question what would be ini case he doesn't had a professional qualities or some talent, he would lied in a mental hospital and people would never even communicate with him, because right now people became absolutely animals and have no morals. I didn't understand one thing: why I should have a guardianship from parents as I am young enough to live on a parent's neck and it should not lead to a guardianship, however, this extremely hard times, it even probably would since at age 30 you have to get a regular life without parent's help. I also noticed that there are a lot of people which can't crfeate a proper food for themselfs, and only life creating a food for them, but, for some unknown reason, those people turned out to be absoultely normal and smart which doesn't need a guardianship from parents or another people. I should admit that I am being a programmer and I am right now required a guardianship from parents and walk everywhere (by doctors, etc) with parents as people simply don't hear me and don't relate me as a living human, rather then -dimwit- which can't talk. I should admit being coded for a while I lost ability to talk normally, so, someone from doctor were always asking if I can to have a talk, which pissed me off and I know for sure it's a high level of disrespect (relate me as a fool, i.e. not a human at all). I get pissed of from that dumb -crap-, how much crap from people whos can't live without a wife and wife is a mother for them, but nobody tell or think they require a people simply don't respect and don't talk with me at all, keep pretend I am a fool. Those time it's extremely hard to integrate into a society, as people became in 100x times weird rather than, let's say, again, 5 years before when I trolled to people.
I should mention that I read a psyche forum and one guy keep used to acted weird and having always a scandals with his parents. He get's an guardship, he is extremely limited at his rights because he has a scandals, however, he might just protect his rights and people act absolutely insane regarding him as a normal human. I keep used to think he just want to protect his rights, however, he got just limited at his rights and turned out a regular fool in regular human's eyes. What in case he tried to protect himself from aggression from another side? It works extremely weird.
Anyway, regarding that post from her. She said like I should not "implements" myself into a society, as it simple no way to knock into closed doors, but I am aware that I should come into a society not with my professional qualities, rather then "implements" myself as a regular, normal human by normal human rights and qualities.
She also were saying that I should not have sex, as monks somehow live without it, on what I said that monks 90% of times thinks about having a sex. In case I want live without sex I should became a monk, it's not like monks live without a sex and then I also could. No, I should then became a monk and wear special clothes they were. It's not so easy to get rid from sex.
Anyways, while I did played in GTA as I am not being able to code, I regularly think about point of life and having happiness.
I used to play GTA for a while, but one day -crap- happed. The neighbors listen a music in their home and sound of the music is very annoyed me. I used to suffer with sound very much and asked a father to get and sort out this kind of thing. He then said that this neighbor should listen a music as he have a right for it, on what I said that it annoys me. It looks like he protects him in danni of me, and I don't really get why he doesn't come to a neighbor and asking them to turn off the music or make the sound lower. 
I think the reason why he didn't gets to a neighbor is that because people became absolutely trash crap and he won't do this for sure, as he has his rights and he will do that even that, for example, my mother was dying due to hard infarct, it's just nobody cares those days, absolutely. People became absolutely trash and everyone live by an animal laws. This neighbor was an alcoholic, to say the least.
After that, there was a scandal with my mother and father, I said that I have to live alone in silence, however, they doesn't performed any action to help me, their own son and was always busy with their work as a main business.
After that, we called an ambulance and a police. They were saying if they want to write a dichiarazione, on which they said they not. The dichiarazione is to get me into a mental house, the dichiarazione  was required to put me into a mental hospital, as they are have no right to put me into a mental hospital without acceptance of a parents and they should write a dichiarazione before.
After that, I went on a high tono speaking weird with them, then, two guys forced me to get out from bad where I lied and gets my hands back, so I didn't run away. The tried to do an injection, on which I was really very scared as it might negatively affects me, I, then, said "where bird?" and asked to not inject me as injector is a death.
Regarding "where bird?" and "look, bird" I posted to you it's something existential for me as I tried to get open secret of the whole life and that thing "look, bird" always helped me. I used to think that bird is a point of life and people always have a bird, rather then having sex as normal humans are didn't -expletive- as they have a imbarazzo (google it).
I then, to get rid from injection, said everything about my thinking of life, the bird, the perpetual motion machine and the Creator. I used to keep talking with medicine worker and said everything I have in mind. I said like there are lot of fools and I'm not a fool.
After that, I being moved into a mental house. In mental house I acted weird, called everyone a fools, and I got a bindings, it's when you get linked to a bad and can't move. I used to lie for a few days being linked to a bad, and, once I went into a complete trash, I got hit by his fist around the  heart. This called a physical violence and I never though I will be hit by a physical violence there.
After that, I got unlinked from the bad, however, I still feel myself bad. 
I always can't explain to a doctor how exactly I feel bad, on what she said she can't help as she doesn't knows exactly how I feel bad.
Anyway, when I feel completely bad, I turned out to say "where bird?", on what medical workers just simply ignored. I said that I need heavy drugs because I feel bad, I said that they gave me any kind of drugs, but they didn't hear me. I think they just don't respect me, as they always keep saying "there are no millioners in there".
At this point, I always been sure I am a millioner, as I wrote 300 posts in Bugatti at that time, however, they didn't replied me. I always was sure that they will reply me and give me a Bugatti car, however, until now I got around 00 messages with crying to get me Bugatti car, however, they still doesn't reply me.
I always though how big money were made and guessing about point of life might be a secret, however, after 500 messages I wrote to a Bugatti, it turned out to be it's completely wrong, and they understand only money. Of course, I asked about to give me at least Lamborghini, on what they didn't replied either. I ased to have a good home at least, but they didn't replied either. Right now I think that thinking about point of life will never give you a money, the money are being earned with a lot of effort they put in.
Anyways, it's like what you think about yourself an who you are. I always used to think I deserve a Bugatti car and I will get it as I am a great person, but it's not like that, or it's because I am not that great, either.
I got get out from mental house to home (with a lot of things including a reanimation), and at home I was feeling better, however, there was a thing like scary of death, I am scared for my own death. Right now I am writing and now I am keep thinking I will die in any moment. It -toasted- up my intelligence and I always been walking in my room, from the beginning of it to its end since I can't even play games in such state, not by saying to code something.
Anyways, I then went into a daily hospital. We (my mother and me) used to think I will be there from 8 to 14 hours and lie on a bad, and they will spectate on me and getting helpful medicaments, but it turned out that I should go there twice a day to be on a round (can't get  a proper english word) and drink a tablets they give, after that, I visited it only once to drink tablets and they give me tablets on the rest of the day.
After that, they knocked me out from a daily hospital, however, I always used to tell I feel very bad and I am suffocating, but they doesn't put it into an attention.
I am keep suffering from scary of death and thinking about point of life, my body is breaks down and thus, I have to walk by a room and can't lie on a bad as I feel a wild discomfort.
I used to keep thinking all people living lust, but I can't have a proof for it.
I used to spectate people and the thing I realized I am much dumber then another people, I feel like a maniac, a psychopath, living on a hardcore not being able to drink even a bottle of a beer as it conflicts with medical treatment and I may die since the tables I drink is the most powerful and effective ones, but they doesn't help me either.
Regarding point of life. I am not going into my schizophrenia, but I used to think people are really living lust and hide it each second, make such people like me a fools, which gets into mental hospitals multiple times or even a jail.
I lost the importance of myself. I am right now keep thinking I am a regular -dimwit-, same as another people. I used to keep think there is a God, and no aliens at all, I pray to God, I think the God is the only one can save me from "schizophrenia by bird". I think there is no such medical treatment from get rid me from insanity, only God or helpers from God can help me. Usually, any living human should pray and keep thinking about God, the fact that it's doubtfully exists or not is losing a faith, which is really bad.

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      Welcome @Holly Brandt to the forums, glad you’ve found us. Take care, enjoy your journey and stay safe.
    • Holly Brandt
      Hi  all I am new to this site but have found so much info it is not even funny,   About me in a bit older  55  I I like Her  and Holly as me   I have all the classic Issues only hiding it my whole life. But that is about to CHANGE !!!!! I just came out to my first family member . Lost of stuff to work out lots of issues i need to get taken care of.  Please  Feel free to chat  with me   I live in Tulsa Oklahoma  I have kids but fully grown and out of the house . Im on my 3 marriage . (now i know why) So where do i go from here  hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I have no clue i need to see a shrink  so yhaaaa 
    • ElizabethStar
      That sucked. I got 2 passes done and my snow blower quit. I'm hoping it just needs a new plug. I believe the governor needs adjustment. It never ran right unless it was on choke. Shovel time! Thankfully the snow is light and fluffy. It doesn't look like the streets haven't been plowed yet so I might not get out of neighborhood. I've never lived anywhere so hilly that got snow.
    • Jamie68
      Sorry, I was replying to Willows post about getting her foot wet.    You gals are early risers. A dammed mouse just woke me up. For some reason they've really gotten bad recently. I use a live trap. They seem to come out to eat about 8:30 pm and 4:30 am. I've caught about 10 of them in the last week. I live across from a cemetery so I let them loose over there. Didn't get much snow here. A little freezing rain though. I'll be putting on coffee in about 15 min.     Enjoy the day . Jamie
    • Mx.Drago
      😓I saw the report yesterday bout an hour after I posted...So many words...none good or safe to post, just lines of really foul vemon pouring out.
    • Audrey
      Hi everyone,   So I've been thinking a lot about how I will navigate coming out at work. While I have some anxiety about my colleagues, I have far more about the clients I work with. A number of them are Orthodox Jewish, and would be the most likely to become cold, distant, or even hostile to a transgender person, based on the sense I've developed over the last several years. Generational attitudes may also come into play here too. No matter how supportive my office culture will otherwise be, I worry about these factors and it might make staying in my current job quite difficult. If anyone has any thoughts or experience they would like to share about being transgender and interacting with the Orthodox community that could help my transition, I would be very appreciative. Thanks so much!   This article from HRC has been helpful at giving me some insight: https://www.hrc.org/resources/stances-of-faiths-on-lgbt-issues-orthodox-judaism   Love, ~Audrey.
    • Jamie68
      Oh that sucks. At least you had white socks. I would have to use a towel, and it would take a while even to find that. Hope you have a better day.   Jamie
    • Niamh
      @Sally Stone I really like that look. Classy but comfortable.
    • Audrey
      This morning's favorite song - "Waiting" by The Devlins. It's making me introspective.     Love, ~Audrey.
    • Audrey
      Hi Lexi, this thought is very relatable. I have a female partner and have always been attracted to women, but I'm also MTF. The binary, heteronormative ways that society defines relationships could make it seem that any deviation from that is somehow wrong, even though it's not. We're attracted to who we're attracted to. Faking attraction will be obvious to both a prospective partner as well as to ourselves. My own struggle with this stems from the time I discovered the damaging theory from Blanchard: that a MTF transgender person who is attracted to women was actually just a paraphilia, and that to be "legit" one had to be attracted to men instead. I'd internalized that as transphobia and homophobia, and convinced myself my feelings were a perversion and hid them instead of exploring them. Took me years to understand differently. I made peace with this seeming contradiction by recognizing that my gender identity and expression are independent from my sexual orientation. If that makes me a lesbian, then that's okay with me. I hope it will also be okay with my partner in the long run too.   Love, ~Audrey.
    • Jackie C.
      Part of my transition has been realizing that I'm a little more bi than I thought, but I'm still primarily attracted to women and identify as a lesbian. Just like when I was in high school really, so no major changes on that front. I can appreciate a good looking man, but in general they don't do anything for me. I wouldn't mind a back massage from somebody more muscly, but that might just be the muscle soreness in my upper back talking right now. I read a statistic the other day that said only about 25% of us are straight. I'm not sure how accurate that is because there was no source cited, but it sounded about right based on what I've observed in the wild. Most of us seem to be bi or gay. I know one lady who's ace. All of it is great! Just be you.   Hugs!
    • ElizabethStar
      Good morning. I'm enjoying a cup of caramel flavored coffee. Looks like we finally got a little snow last night. I've got hour and a half before I get ready for work. Time to drink down my coffee and pray my snow blower behaves.
    • Emily michelle
      Wow it is a small world. We used to have a sand plant there too. We still load and unload barges in Herculaneum. I don’t make it down that way much there is an underground mine in st. Charles county I usually go to. Haha thanks girl mechanics do rock. Mining is interesting lol. It’s a lot of hours. You always have to watch your back in a mine it doesn’t take much for a situation to turn deadly.   Congratulations on the hrt 2bebreanna. Let the fun begin. I just celebrated 9 months the other day.
    • Chloe Cozee
      I am married to a woman. When I think about relationships, I am not sure that I could give my heart away to a man. Even though I am feminine, I crave a deep connection to another feminine person. It's just me, how I feel. And it has little to do with body parts. Those don't matter as much as what's in their heart. I rarely find men physically attractive. And if they are the shallow masculine caveman type, totally forget it. Total turn off, I don't even want to talk to them.    From what I have read, some people's relationship preference changes after accepting their true self, others don't. I think it depends on the person. 
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