When to Come Out at Work

[Valorie]

Hello everyone!

 

Without giving too much away, I am currently a furniture delivery man. I have now started HRT (mtf) officially as of the first of 2021. I do plan on continuing to work in man mode as long as possible, but after doing a good deal of research and understanding what to expect in the coming weeks and months, I know that eventually lady developments will give me away. Is it better to get out ahead of it now or answer questions later? Also, there is a slight fear that because it's a pretty male heavy profession, will my job be in jeopardy? The positive is my manager is a gay man but he really isn't upfront about it and being gay really doesn't factor in. After all, he is still a man and can hide whatever he needs to. I'm in the process of becoming a woman. Kind of a different thing haha

 

I guess I'm hoping that a few of you lovely ladies are in similar professions and can tell me that my transition can still work with me as a furniture delivery person. If not, it's probably time to start considering a new job.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Vaela Kay 

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Vaela, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  You're questions are important and the answers are complex.  Every work situation is unique.  My first question to you is, is this a large regional or national company, and do you know if they have policies and procedures for workplace transition, non-discrimination and non-harassment? If the answers are all yes, you're in a much better position than if any or all the answers are "no."  It's important for you to be very familiar with the company rules and guidelines.

 

Once you have done the research, talk to HR and let them know what you plan to do and approximately when.  If they have policies to guide them it will make it easier for everyone.

 

There is little advice I can give you regarding a timeline.  It is all so individual and personal.  For me, once I made up my mind I would transition at work and talked to HR, they formed a team that included senior managers, and outside expert, and workplace peers that I trusted.  It was a very long and involved process, but this was a government office with over 200 people and lots of regulations.  I told them that I did not want to make an announcement until I had changed my name legally.  I also insisted that I would make the major decisions, not management.  They wanted to rush me at first.

 

If yours is a relatively small organization, it should be less complicated, but you should expect problems along the way.  There were for me even in my big organization.  But in the end my transition worked out well, and I hope yours does to.  You are welcome to ask questions either on this thread or you can PM me.  Good luck!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[claire1000]

Well hopefully at some point there will be some obvious physical changes from HRT but as been said many times the time and changes may very.For me the thighs changed within months and in reality if I had not been retired I would have had to start hiding breast growth after 7 or 8 months.But I have to warn you that I started to lose muscle definition, and therefore strength at around 4 months and by 8 months i couldn't lift half of what I did before so being in furniture delivery it could be an issue. As for your job you will have to decide if you will be accepted an all male enviroment can be tough, when I worked it was in government and my department had to ladies transition during the years I was there so if I had chosen to transition then I know I would have had the support of the agency.I wish you well whatever you decide but I can can tell you one thing and that is living an authentic life as how you feel is a wonderful way to live.

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Valorie said:

 

I guess I'm hoping that a few of you lovely ladies are in similar professions and can tell me that my transition can still work with me as a furniture delivery person. 

 

One thing to keep in mind is that you are likely to lose muscle mass and strength/lifting ability over time, which may mean tasks you've become accustomed to doing will be harder to accomplish.

 

Best wishes, 

 

Astrid 

 

 

[Audrey]

Hi Vaela, it's nice to meet you!

 

I'm in the same boat as you, about to start coming out at my job in the next few weeks. I am going full-time this year so doing this soon is critical for me, and as you said I want to do it before HRT does it for me. My situation is quite a bit different though, i work at a very small agency with nearly all female colleagues. As @Carolyn Marie said, it's important to know where your employer stands policy-wise, and to be clear that you're in the driver's seat. In my case, there's non-harassment and non-discrimination policies, but no formal HR department to consult with and confide in. So, my plan is to come out first to a coworker I trust and whom I'm very confident will be accepting of me. I want her as an ally and support for when I come out to my supervisor (who's also the executive director). An approach like this might help you have the emotional support you'll want when you do talk with management. While there's nothing wrong with being a woman and being a furniture delivery person, it does sound like traditional gender roles have a strong bearing on your workplace culture. With that in mind, the psychological adjustment is just as important as the physical one that others have mentioned.

 

The other consideration is how your clients will adapt to your coming out and transitioning. You may be able to have some influence over how your colleagues respond and work through any transphobia, but not so much for your clients. In my case, my clients are the general public, so I'm emotionally preparing for their unpredictable reactions.

 

i'll be cheering for you, Vaela!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

7 hours ago, Astrid said:

One thing to keep in mind is that you are likely to lose muscle mass and strength/lifting ability over time, which may mean tasks you've become accustomed to doing will be harder to accomplish.

 

This part isn't actually so bad if you keep active. The exception being if you're some 300 pound bodybuilder. You just won't be as big. It's not impossible for you to maintain your lifting ability and endurance. Especially within the limits for a package handler. She should be fine on this one. Case in point being that I'm stronger now than I was when I was presenting male.

 

Hugs!

[Emily michelle]

Hi Vaela! I’m a heavy equipment mechanic while I have not transitioned on the job yet but I will be in the very near future. My company has non discrimination policies specifically stating gender identity. I’ve had a couple people ask me when I was transitioning including my boss. I’m not out to anyone at work. So the changes are pretty apparent now. I’ve faced quite a bit of harassment from my boss about me growing my hair out. It will be interesting because I can count on one hand the number of women working in the field, and we have about 450 employees. 
 

I have noticed my strength has diminished some but it’s not bad. I can still do my job with out an issue. There are more things I’m not afraid to ask for help with instead of man handling and possibly hurting myself. 

[Valorie]

Thank you everyone for your replies!

 

Yes, strength decreasing is one of my main worries. Not that the job is always heavy heavy lifting but when it is, it is haha

 

I don't plan on presenting as a woman on this job. Being a thin muscled man I'm already questioned at times if I can lift the product by the customer. As a woman, i'd get that question constantly. 

 

Realistically, I can probably stay at this job for another year or so and then need to start looking for other work. I like the job fine but ultimately I want to live my authentic life and eventually present as Vaela everywhere I go.

 

Depending on how it works out, I might not come out to anyone at work and instead just move on when it's getting too hard to hide. 

 

Thanks again!

[KymmieL]

I work in a pretty much male dominated career, auto parts. I have partially came out at work. while my given name is still on my shirts, and still go by that. Some of my name listings in the Computer is my preferred. That anyone with access can see. I am out to some of my co-workers without any problems. I do see some possible  problems with at least one of my co-workers.

 

When I came out to one. I told him that I wasn't meaning to come out this much. then he said something that hit home. "if not now,When?"

 

Our Company is nationwide. and does have a anti-discrimination policies in place. with gender identity plainly worded in the policy. 

 

Kymmie

[Valorie]

Thanks Kymmie,

 

My company employee handbook says it can't descriminate against sexual orientation and gender. It doesn't say gender identity though and I wonder if that's a loophole of sorts. Is gender the same as gender identity? I really don't know.

 

With me being one of the main drivers, I am relied on heavily and I have been there nearly a year and a half, so I have earned a good reputation. Still I don't know if my plans will be seen as able to easily cross over, what with it being a lifting job and everything.

 

I think Im going to take the next year and get a certificate in the medical field and start transitioning jobs too. 

 

I'll keep you and everyone else posted!

 

Vaela

 

 

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, Valorie said:

My company employee handbook says it can't descriminate against sexual orientation and gender. It doesn't say gender identity though and I wonder if that's a loophole of sorts. Is gender the same as gender identity? I really don't know.

I think it's very important to clarify that with your employer's HR department. Many EOE / non-discrimination policies will explicitly name (biological) sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity as protected groups.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

Also, Wisconsin is a "Right to Work" state. They can legally fire you for any reason at any time. Corporate policy might be your only recourse if your manager gets a bug up their backside.

 

Hugs!

[Kiara]

13 hours ago, Valorie said:

With me being one of the main drivers, I am relied on heavily and I have been there nearly a year and a half, so I have earned a good reputation. Still I don't know if my plans will be seen as able to easily cross over, what with it being a lifting job and everything.

 

Reputation can go a really long way in ensuring that any news you come out with is taken in the best way possible. In my previous job I was extremely well respected and was often the go-to person for many things. I later came out as polyamorous as it was something I could no longer really hide with me being both married and now having a serious partner. I only did it as necessary when either it came up in conversation or if my partner visited me. Many of my coworkers were shocked, but took it very well and just asked a lot of questions. I'm sure a few of them chatted behind my back, but overall I was still treated with the same level of respect.

I like to think that I've made a difference and educated people along my journey. I've always been well respected and perceived as an intelligent and upstanding citizen. So when I come out as poly or non-binary or whatever, I think it changes people's perception of what "being different" really is. I'm not some sort of mentally ill deviant. I'm a 'normal' person and maybe someone being different from them isn't as scary or wrong as they originally thought.

 

Also, I know you are a little worried about losing muscle mass and not being able to lift as much. I knew a little scrawny lady who could lift hundreds of bags of wet mulch, soil, and stone and often out lifted the guys who mocked her. Just keep working out a bit and you should be ok.

[LaurenA]

I had to quit my job in March last year because the company was declared an essential industry and I am 70 with an SO with a heart condition.  My company wants me back as soon as I'm comfortable with it.  I looked at the company manual and it doesn't mention gender in it's non-discrimination policy.  It does state that any characteristic protected by law cannot be used for discrimination.  Wisconsin law does not protect gender discrimination, only harassment.  I have no idea how the company will react if I come out to them.  I may not get my job back.  I think I have three choices; not come out at work, come out at work and settle for whatever happens, or not go back to work at all.  The extra money would be nice for transitioning but I would have to put it off as long as I worked.  Maybe I'll just throw a dart at the wall.

[Valorie]

Hi everyone!

 

Whether or not I can make it work long term at this job is no longer too relevant to me. I've formulated a plan b. This girl gonna get a medical coding certificate and actually have a career. I can do it in under 6 months!!

 

The medical field seems to be the most accepting of trans individuals as well

 

Thanks for all of the advice!

Vaela

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Vaela.  Welcome!

 

That is good that you have an alternate plan for work.  Once you start on HRT, you need a plan for coming out.  You won't know ahead of time when your body feminization will out you, but it could be as short as a couple of months.  You will likely find that you need to wear a bra for protection, especially moving furniture.  (Ask any of us how we learned about that! ? )  That could take some explaining if you are not yet out. 

 

Your Plan B sounds good.

 

Regards,

Kathy