Workplace experience

[Maddee]

Forgive me if this is just a list of stuff without a point.  But it is my real life experience.

 

I'm pre op mtf.  My legalities are all female.  

Currently establishing work history in my new identity.  Amaz0nia.  2020 covidia.  Masks, but they come off for breaks.  Working with lots of people.  Gendered correctly more often than not.  Some people with clout do not like me and I am treated unfairly.  The official corporate policy is pro trans.  So if there's a problem with this issue they will not talk to me about it, and unfortunately this could lead them to look for other reasons to get rid of me.  However, so far, I've been pretty good about not giving them any.

 

HR is pretty much unresponsive to questions about any issue, including mistakes in their schedule and shorted paychecks.

 

But hey, I use the women's room. Even have had stall to stall conversations and at the sink mirrors.  Have fallen in pretty well with cliques of women of comparable age and attractiveness.  What a funny thing that is.

I blend in ok but it's forcing me to constantly hone my edges. Like how I lift and do work, and speaking over machinery in fast paced physical situations. Also I keep foundation and a little eye concealer and liner going.  Not doing that one day was my worst day treated by others there. 

 

I never got to go to a normal high school and I suspect this is kind of like that, for grown ups.

 

Guys are sizing me up I think.

I'm a little imposing and not super confident in my femininity.

Some chat me up a little. 

 

There are going to be cuts in personel soon and if I'm cut I may never know why, because they can't say out loud where they don't want me to pee.  However I prefer to focus on the fact that I have had perfect attendance/clock, no write ups, and I can outwork most people there without breathing too hard. 

 

I want to stay. 

I want to become a person.

[Jani]

@Maddee there is always a point to be made even if it is not self evident at first!  

 

Remember that HR's purpose is not to protect you the employee, but the company.  (I worked in a corporate environment for ever) That said some HR people are less adept than they should be.  

 

Sometimes when reduction in force (RIF) take place its a strictly numbers thing, last in first out.  Thats how it was for my company.  I lost some great employees and was stuck with duds because of this.  Sometimes other parameters come into effect, depending upon rules set up by the State Employment Office and internal policies.  

 

Keep going as you are.  Being a good employee will not be forgotten.  As to being a person, you are.  People see you as real when they interact with you.  Take those little successes and build on them.  

 

PS: I'm glad to see you back to posting!
Hugs, Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with @Jani.  You are the ambassador for our community among your peers there, Maddee.  For most, if not all of them, you are the first trans woman they've ever met.  Your success, your presence, helps not only you but all of us.  If they come to accept you (and it sounds like many have already) that is a victory.  Thank you for being strong, for being willing to be seen as your true self, for transition on the job.  You've already made a difference.  Congrats!

 

Not everyone in my workplace was supportive, but the fact that most of my colleagues were supportive kept those naysayers and nincompoops at bay.  Like your workplace, we had strong rules in place, and the naysayers knew it.  I hope it works out for you in the long run.  Best of luck, and thank you!

 

Carolyn Marie

[Audrey]

@Maddee Your post has been on my mind all day as I'm on the cusp of coming out at work. I'm happy to learn that you have enjoyed an overall positive experience on the job, especially socially with your colleagues. I'm hopeful that your excellent service at your employer will play to your favor in the upcoming personnel cuts - so I agree with @Jani, don't underestimate how much that's valued by supervisors and directors. I also really like what @Carolyn Marie said about being an ambassador of the community at the workplace. I think I read on another post somewhere here recently that only a small percentage of people (around 15-16%) self-report that they've met an out trans person in their life? Because of your example, you've done much to advance the cause of transgender acceptance at work beyond just official policy documents but in real life. I'm sure you've also challenged people's prejudices about the community just by being you and living your life the way you want to.

 

This got me thinking also I will likely be the first trans person many of my colleagues and clients will ever meet too. It feels like a great honor and responsibility at the same time. I hope to be a great ambassador to the community just as you have been, and do my part to help reduce transphobia not just in the workplace but in the wider world.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jani]

5 hours ago, Audrey said:

don't underestimate how much that's valued by supervisors and directors.

Now that you mention this... I had only been at the company (defense related) for a few years that I ended up retiring from.  Back then I was an hourly employee.  We had a huge RIF and my name came up on the list.  Apparently several supervisors that I supported (not mine) and a general foreman spoke up.  I was retained.  Great for me.  I only found they had gone to bat for me second hand several months later.  Never underestimate that what you do, even the smallest thing, won't imprint and cause someone to have a positive opinion of you.  PS: After I finished night school I was able to move into management where I became rich and famous (NOT!) Blah, Blah, blah.  

 

On another instance, I lost a great employee in a RIF.  When I got a call about a reference from another small local business I could not say enough about this person.  They hired hm and two years later I hired them back even though he was gun-shy having been caught in a RIF.  I ended up having to pay him top dollar and it was worth it.  

 

Never give up or sacrifice your standards.

 

 

[Maddee]

Thank you everyone.

 

I'm one of the newer people there, although most are new since it opened in July.

It upsets me to think about it that way.  I actually applied to this place last summer and might've been one the first employees when it opened, if not for snags I had dealing with applying online then.  One of my shortcomings but I'm getting better.

 

Grateful for what I have.  Glad that I'm healthy and able to work.  Doing so as female is such a blessing and. I can only get better at it.

 

[Cyndee]

@Maddee Glad to read you are staying healthy and doing well, nice update here. 

 

Hugs

 

C

[KayC]

@Maddee I applaud (and have to admit, envy) your ability to be your true self at work.  Just thinking about that possibility is encouraging to me (and as others have said, is an encouragement to those like us and an opportunity to engage others with your best self).

You sound like an awesome employee to me.  I hope things go well for you there, but if your company and management don't see what a value you are to their workplace then they probably don't deserve to have you there.

Wishing you all the best❣️

[Maddee]

Give me an inch take a mile

 

Yes I am gendered correctly... to my face... most of the time.  And I use the women's bathrooms.   My legalities and identity and medical insurance say I'm a woman so that's why, in my opinion, that I can do that.

 

I want more.

 

When people at work gender me right, its because it's the thing to do these days.

 

They don't really think I'm a woman.

 

I'm so out of the loop it makes me crazy.   I'm the last to know anything going on at work.  When people are friendly it's so they can gather info on me to trade in gossip.  And theres not a whole lot that's interesting about me really.  Not lately.

 

I do crazy amounts of overtime.  I think the most hours in the building this year so far.  People have been asking why and I tell them I don't want to go be alone.  I don't.

 

Have to be careful because I'm losing grip emotionally at work.  There's cameras everywhere.  And  It's worse when I'm off work.  My neighbors might call the police if I'm not careful.

 

 

[Mmindy]

Good morning @Maddee

 

You say you don't want to be alone, and that's mostly normal. From what I'm reading you need some real Maddee Time, not work time. Spring is starting to reach your area, so it should be easier for you to get out and DEE compress. No mater who we are, coworkers will gossip behind our backs, tag on the Transgender realization and it is magnified. Being aware of cameras and knowing someone has the ability to watch your every move is almost as tough to deal with as logging the most work hours in the building. Take some spa time and let people pamper you as you should be from time to time. Don't let the world pile up on you.

 

Hugs and Love

 

Mindy???

[Maddee]

I'm not sure how to go about spa time, or what that actually is.

 

When I'm by myself I just cry and scream and hate myself and the people who gave me life.  It's disgusting.  I'm better off just being on the clock, in the off chance that one day I'll be able to have the operations I hear people talking about.   but it's way too late.  It was too late 20 years ago.

 

I need to strip and -lovely person-, so it's too late

 

My matrix blocks me from everything right now.  I won't go through insurance because I know 100% certain that it will be declined, specifically and personal to me, no matter what it is.  Matrix.   Need complete reset.  I'm a defective device.  I'm a defect goddammit

 

I heard something vaguely about being put in a coma and resetting your brain.  Like a complete factory reset of a computer or device.  Sounds extreme but it's kind of what I'm thinking of lately.

[Maddee]

*I said I need to strip and work my body*.  maybe a cocktail hustle.  Wish the matrix here wouldn't edit use of a word when I'm not even using it against anyone.  It's a real job you know

[Maddee]

Please delete me from this place.

I don't belong

[Charlize]

Mindy is so right here.  Spring has often brought a feeling of hope to me.  Getting outside and enjoying the world helps me get out of myself.  I have often gotten caught up in wondering how others are seeing or saying about me.  The seemingly constant worry about how i was being seen was difficult bro live with.  Over time i've found that i simply don't care for the most pert.  As long as i can live my life can myself i'm fine.  In the greater world  no-one even takes a look.  They are simply too busy worrying about their own issues.  When i was with folks who knew my story it was hard at first but time has changed that.  I'm just the best person i can be and hopefully that is enough for others.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Charlize]

Sorry it took me so long to respond last first Maddee.  You belong here!  I doubt that any have not felt miserable at times.  I know i have certainly done my share of whingeing.

hang in there we are hear to listen and help each other!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mmindy]

Maddee, we're all broken in some form or another, but broken colors still color. As for it being to late to be the person you want, and deserve to be. There are so many people on TranspulseForums to prove that wrong. I'm 64 soon to be 65 in November, and my outlook was so changed by the folks here. I will never under value the therapy and counseling I've had through my wife's company Employee Assistance Program (EAP), however the love and care that has been shared with me here on the forums has been just as valuable.

 

Please know you're loved, valued, and worth the time it takes.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Jani]

@Maddee You are not a defect.  There are some that describe parts of their bodies as having a defect but I don't believe that is true.  We all face issues that we must work on to feel better.  You can do it too.  I have faith in you.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Mmindy]

@Maddee, I hope you're feeling better today. You've been on my mind, and I want you to know that you are loved, valued, and worthy of the dreams you have.

 

Best wishes, stay safe,

 

Mindy???

[Heather Shay]

@Maddee you truly DO belong and I am thankful you are here. You've given me hope when I was hopeless and from the posts and FANTASTIC guitar playing abilities you have - you have so much to offer us and hopefully we can offer you. 

[Maddee]

If I have love I would send it back in sharing gratitude to you ladies here.

 

I'm overwhelmed right now.

 

Workplace is an escape from dealing with my problems. 

 

Surgeries scare me bad, but being trans is not really my problem.

Escape or no, I'm trying to kick ass and femme out at the same time when I'm there

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Maddee said:

I'm trying to kick ass and femme out at the same time when I'm there

That a girl...

[Jani]

Great attitude @Maddee.  Never let them get to you.  You are strong. 

[Ivy]

Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum 

[Maddee]

Ego sum hodie potentior quidem erat

[Maddee]

The workforce reduces itself constantly at my work place. no need for RIFS.  The slackers quit and land better paying jobs on better shifts.  The good ones get fed up and do the same .  I don't think I can go through that all again for some time.  Too much.  Plus I have never gotten a job, that I had to interview with an HR person for, in my entire life

 

I would like to know if I really pass as a woman, or if I'm just being put up with.  or how much of each of these.

 

Stress eating probably isn't helping. My muscles look big in the mirror