Deep confusion

[Betty K]

Hi everyone at Transpulse and thanks for having me here. I have a few questions. I'm kind of worried I'm going to blurt a lot out all at once and maybe some of it will be "too much info" so please bear with me...

 

My story so far: I never thought I was anything other than a crossdresser, or at least I didn't let myself think so, until about two weeks ago.

 

As a kid I was fascinated with my mother's clothes and make-up but somehow knew I shouldn't share this secret. I dressed up a couple of times when my parents were out and that was it. I remember having a fantasy about age 10 or 11 that I would dress up and walk out in the street in the small town where I grew up. It was a strong fantasy, but I knew I wouldn't do it. I would have had a reputation forever more.

 

Throughout both primary and high school I experienced recurrent homophobia/transphobia and bullying. On the first day of primary school I had long hair (I'd just moved from a hippy school in Tasmania) and the kids taunted me, asking if I was I a boy or a girl. I got the message and tried to conform, but the bullying continued. In high school I decided not to conform anymore. I dyed my hair and dressed new-romantic/goth/punk and the bullying increased: for about two years almost every day I got threatened for supposedly being gay, though I had passionate crushes on girls and thought I was purely heterosexual.

 

Since then I've had phases of non-conformity to masculine ideals: in my early twenties I went very Bowie-esque for a while and wore women's clothes but never dresses. I was about as androgynous as Prince, say, and still thought I was hetero though I got many come-ons from men. Then in my late-thirties, after a marriage break-up and a period of intense hetero promiscuity, I started to fantasise about both crossdressing and sex with men. For about six months I dressed like a woman and went to gay clubs but still found myself more attracted to women than to the men I met, and apart from a couple of unsatisfactory encounters with men nothing much came of it. It felt good though, and I felt welcomed in the community. But it felt like a dead end. I got married again soon after. This was eight years ago. We had what I thought was a wonderful relationship, including a great sex life, until it ended suddenly about six months ago.

 

SO. The last six months have been intense. At first I wasn't much interested in sex at all, I was too overcome by grief. But after two months I found a place to rent in a new town and got some money and started fantasising about crossdressing. It was a fantasy that had never really gone away: I'd dressed in my wife's clothes sometimes and got very excited until a few years ago, but for various reasons (lack of privacy was one) I stopped. I had started thinking about it again shortly before we broke up though, and suddenly when I was alone it came back with a vengeance. So I dived right in: I spent about $2000 on my dream wardrobe and a pair of prosthetic breasts. But getting dressed up at home in my flat in the provincial small city where I live was not satisfying to me, and pretty soon I started thinking about appearing in public again. As Covid lockdown was ending in Brisbane (my nearest big city) I booked a ticket for a party where I thought I'd be welcomed, bought plane tickets, and waited.

 

About two weeks ago I flew to Brisbane, got dressed up, and attended the party. It sucked. A very small crowd all of whom knew each other and none of whom (unlike in Sydney eight years ago) introduced themselves or made me feel welcome. So I went back to my apartment and wondered what to do. In the back of my mind I'd had a fantasy of meeting a man and maybe having sex with him; it had been a big motivation for me to go to the party but I had played it down as probably just a fantasy. Anyway, in desperation I posted an ad on a personals site and within an hour or so had several admirers all vying to have sex with me. Over the next two nights I vetted them, hoping for someone nice and gentle who could take no for an answer since I still wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it. Anyway, I found someone. We had sex and it was truly amazing, one of the best sexual experiences of my life. And ever since then I have been in deep confusion, wondering who or what I am and who I want to be.

 

I realise that this is a forum about gender and that gender is not the same as sexuality, but I find it hard to separate the two. Part of what was so good about my experience with that man was just how feminine I felt: it was like a different person came out of me, one I don't think I've ever met before. I felt so womanly! And it was beautiful. I spoke in ways I couldn't have spoken as a man. It was so powerful that for a few days there I actually thought of myself as female, before I flew home and knuckled down to being a man again. At first, being a man was deeply distasteful to me: it seemed as if I was wearing drag, wearing a costume, and I think I have been wearing a costume for many years. In fact, I know I learned to cope with macho Australian society by consciously adopting a man's mannerisms and striving to be invisible, just another ordinary bloke. It's a survival skill I developed, and I was glad when I realised I'd nailed it and that I might never have to feel threatened for my gender or sexuality again. So maybe you can imagine how afraid I am now that I realise I may have to throw that persona away! I realised after I returned from Brisbane just how scarred I was by my childhood and how deeply I had suppressed my female self. I cried and cried. I came out to three friends immediately, and told them I thought I was transgender. That felt good, but now I feel kid of embarrassed that I did so. I'm glad I did it though, just so I can't sweep this under the rug and keep it secret.

 

I said I had some questions but I'm not sure what they are. I guess the first one -- which I know nobody can really answer except me -- is what am I? When I got back home I was absolutely sure that I was transgender, but that is a pretty broad term. Do I want to be a woman? No, not exactly, but I am very curious to embark on a journey in which I become progressively more feminine, a journey that might entail hormones and at least some surgery. But I'm equally terrified by the prospect. And I still love my wife and hope to get back together with her! I'm so confused! I kind of envy the people whose posts I have read here who talk about being transgender as if it were a certainty. I'm not certain of anything. I think I must be genderfluid, but since I have spent so much of my life being "a man" I suspect if/when the woman part of me takes over I may want to represent as female for quite some time before I resolve to being both again. I feel as if my female self is so downtrodden she now wants to rise up and take over. But what if I were to take hormones, get surgery, and then realise I wanted to be a man again?

 

I'm confused about the sexual aspect to all this. A big part of why I crave to be more feminine is so that I can keep exploring my sexuality. I feel as if making love in a prosthetic breastplate is going to quickly start to seem ridiculous, but on the other hand the idea of making love with a man as my male self is, so far, totally unappealing. If only I had real breasts, I think, then I could really be the sexual being I want to be. Am I just a fetishist? I thought I was. But that feeling of yearning to be more feminine was so strong. It's worn off a lot now. What is left is a deep, deep loneliness. I plan to get counselling with a trans-specific counsellor but so far have not done so. In the meantime I really don't know what to do. Every night I dream I have a hook-up with a man: a man is coming to my apartment to meet me. Then as I wake up I realise I can't meet any man, I'm not dressed, I am my male self. I feel intense disappointment. I think of how I would look with breasts and how it would be to make love to a man with breasts. Then I think of how it might be to carry those breasts with me at all times, out in society, or bushwalking alone (as I often do), or with my friends and family. I wish I could put them on and take them off again as required! And I like being a man, in some ways. But oh how seductive it is to think of being a woman.

 

One last thing: I'll never be a woman. I don't believe it. I'll never have full surgery. If I follow this path I'll inevitably remain somewhere on the continuum between man and woman. I'll never be one or the other. That's how I feel at the moment.

 

I'm sorry if any of what I've written here is too personal. I haven't found much (if any) talk of sexuality on this forum so far and I wonder if it is a taboo subject. But as I said, I can't disentangle it from gender. Maybe I've made a mistake, Maybe I'm not transgender, just a bisexual man with a fetish. I really don't know. If anyone has any wisdom to share I would be grateful for it.

 

Thanks again for having me here and for reading.

 

x Betty

 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Betty,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse.  Reading through your story, I can't help but think that you would benefit from counseling with a gender therapist.  It's something for you to think about and consider.

 

MaryEllen

[Audrey]

Hi Betty, welcome to the forums, it's nice to meet you! Thank you for sharing such a detailed and deeply personal story in your introduction. I'm hopeful you'll find the community here warm and friendly, this is a safe space to ask questions and get support!

 

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I kind of envy the people whose posts I have read here who talk about being transgender as if it were a certainty. I'm not certain of anything.

It's perfectly okay not to be certain. That was me too, for many years. And even some more years where I was certain, but I didn't act on it out of fear or shame. Reading your post, my main thought is that gender identity and expression don't always fit into binary categories, but rather genderfluid (as you mention) or nonbinary. Maybe that's true for you too, and if so that's perfectly valid. The world is structured in a way to reinforce those binaries, and maybe being binary is "easier" in a sense because of that. But binaries don't work for everyone. I also believe that both identity and expression are independent of sexual orientation as well. People are attracted to men, women, both, or neither. Again, the binaries tend to reinforce certain partner choices, but the truth is far more nuanced than that. As @MaryEllen suggested, connecting with a gender therapist might be a great way for you to express and explore your feelings in all of these areas.

 

I'm so glad you've joined us here at Trans Pulse... looking forward to getting to know you!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Susan R]

Hello @Betty K and welcome to our forum. It’s truly a pleasure to have you here and reading your introduction brought back many memories and thoughts I had along my journey.

 

The question of “What am I” will ultimately be yours to answer. You’re clearly on a journey to find that out. I think you’ll find many of the puzzle pieces here in time as you talk with others who have traveled your path. I am one who has dabbled in many of the same areas you have—presenting alpha male, presenting androgynously, crossdressing, thinking I was gay, thinking I was bisexual, having multiple partners of different sexes, etc.  By the time I reached college age, the only thing I knew about myself was that I was NOT what my friends and family hoped for or wanted me to be...a straight cis male. I believe I was, like you, I was searching desperately for my gender identity and sexual orientation. After 56 years, I finally came to learn and accept where I fit in those spectrums. You may still have some homework left but I’m sure you’ll find a place of comfort and satisfaction.

 

If you’ve done your homework up to this point and feel somewhat comfortable with your spectrums...I congratulate you. I couldn’t have done it without support from people you see here in th forum and with the help of a gender focused therapist. This would seem to be a good next step after perusing these hallways for some of your answers. A good therapist can help you cross all those T’s and dot all those I’s. A good therapist will show you your life from a different perspective and force you to answer some of the hard questions you’ve never asked yourself honestly.

 

3 hours ago, Betty K said:

Part of what was so good about my experience with that man was just how feminine I felt: it was like a different person came out of me, one I don't think I've ever met before. I felt so womanly! And it was beautiful. I spoke in ways I couldn't have spoken as a man. It was so powerful that for a few days there I actually thought of myself as female,

I just want to say one thing about this. IMHO, this is a key part of who YOU are deep down. This is the part of me that I am in full display now. It was the part of me that I kept hidden from the world all these years. I think much of your answers can be found with this seemingly new voice that you’ve kept hidden all these years..you saw a glimpse but it probably goes much deeper than that. I had the same feeling when I was with a man years ago and now my wife knows this is who I am and she makes me feel like a lady because she knows I am that person. I believe re-reading this statement of yours quoted above reveals much about who you may be. I don’t know for sure but when I read this, it sounded so much like my inner being that I thought I’d point it out so you might take a second look at it.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Gabriel]

Welcome @Betty K

 

Well, not much to add to the great responses you've already had. So I'll just point out 

 

1. Feeling confused, full of doubt and fear is normal, and it is OK. It sucks and it is hard, but it is OK and you'll find your way.

2. Feeling confused doesn't talk about the outcome of your exploration - meaning that being confused doesn't mean that you are genderfluid. You can totally be genderfluid, nonbinary and any other identity, but you confusion is not a sign of that.

3. Reiterate that a gender therapist can help you a great deal and lower your anxiety. It did (does) for me.

4. You are not alone, we can share our experiences and you'll see that what you're going through is very relatable in this community.

5. Congrats - I'm pretty amazed at the amount of exploring you've done. I've certainly not had the guts to do that much without support.

 

So, welcome Betty and looking forward to learning more about you and support you in your journey

[Mx.Drago]

Welcome, you're truly a brave soul explorer. Don't worry too much bout the surgery stuff cuz you need to find a good friendly gender therapist first for that journey anyway, as well as funds and an idea of where you're ploting that course after answering those respective questions first. Imagine a scale between male and female(like cold into hot scale), and how you see/feel yourself as a human being on that scale and weither it changes from day to day,and/or doesn't. Keeping a journal of these thoughts would be good, since you seem already well verse with writing details. It will also help when you do find that gender therapist, having a record of how you've been progressing so far on your journey helps define the path you've been on. If you feel more feminine, that doesn't mean you stop liking and/or wanting women, or need to want men. Women like women and some prefer just women, as there are people who like both men and women in separate ways or other varieties. I myself find specific personalities attractive and l'm not so hooked up on the physical packaging, though I do have a wide preference in my strange pansexual manner. I know for myself caution is necessary, due to lack of understanding, but hopefully with more brave explorers we all can open the the world to a better more inclusive prosperous future. Be well, stay safe and once again welcome to the journey. Thank you for sharing your story and joining us. The more the merrier, as we explore we can all help eachother.?

[Betty K]

Oh thank you @Susan R, @Gabrieland @Mx.Dragofor your comments and support. I will read again when I have the chance. And yes, Susan, you're right, that really was a deep part of myself that came out. But now that I've been two weeks back in man-world, where has it gone? I don't think I've ever had such an uncanny experience. I feel as close to a genuine split-personality as I ever want to feel.

[KayC]

Hi @Betty K!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

 

You've already received great advice and encouragement from the other Members so I won't add too much to that, except, Yes, definitely start gender therapy at first opportunity. 

 

Therapy (and this Forum) have been tremendously helpful to me, and I can tell you I relate VERY closely to your back story about your youth/life, desire to crossdress, and the unending anxiety to establish your true self, gender, and sexual identity.

Because of family and career, I had about  30-years of suppressed and closeted feelings until I final came out to my wife as a crossdresser, and then finally understanding that wasn't enough and it didn't fulfill my needs.  Like you I am attracted to women but the idea of being desired by a man (maybe if only to affirm my femininity?) is strong.

Also, it is very normal for gender dsyphoria to go through many up and down cycles.   Ultimately you will find the place you feel most comfortable and the good part is ... there are no Wrong answers for that.

 

btw - we do have some other Members from "Down Under" on the Forum, so I hope you have a chance to meet.

Welcome again❣️  Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Betty K]

Hi @KayC, and thanks so much for your support. It’s so good just to hear that someone shares my story to a degree. Isn’t this a strange and sad world we live in that these sorts of stories are so taboo? I mean, I’m so grateful things have changed since I was a kid, but I still feel so shy and scared to be me.

 

And thank you too @MaryEllen and @Audrey, I somehow missed your comments earlier. You’ve all been so kind. I’m sorry I have not had the chance to be more engaged: a cis hetero male friend (to whom I’m not ready to come out) has been staying at my apartment since the day I wrote my post, so I have had very little privacy. But yes, don’t worry everyone, I will find a trans counsellor (I have some names) and I will spend more time on this forum. Thank you so much to you all, it really means a lot to me. Xxx

[KayC]

On 1/11/2021 at 9:21 PM, Betty K said:

It’s so good just to hear that someone shares my story to a degree.

Hi @Betty K!  I'm so happy we could share a similar connection.  I know how important that is, and that you feel you have a community here you can engage openly with.
Much like your introduction, I can vividly remember my first therapy session where everything about my life experiences (from childhood to now, much like yours) just GUSHED out of me.  My poor therapist, she was wildly scribbling notes (Hah! it took another session or two to catch up).
But therapy (and here also, maybe more in PM vs open forum) is such a safe and accepting environment for me.  Its truly soul-searching, self-discovery, and self-acceptance that result.
 

I truly believe you are on the right path, Betty, and wishing you all the best.  We'll all be here to support you and follow you through your journey❤️

[Betty K]

@KayC I agree I am on the right path, I'm just a bit hazy about where it leads! I'm in utter indecision about almost every aspect of my life recently, and though it's partly just the nature of the times we live in I'm sure it's partly that my female and male selves have different ideas about how things should proceed. Every day I make a decision and then change it later on. The only thing I'm clear about is that I need to be more female, but just how to do that I'm not sure.

 

You are such a sweetheart for helping me. Thankyou again ❤️

[Betty K]

Hi @KayC, are you out there? Because you mentioned private messaging in one of your comments I tried to private message you today, but TransPulse wouldn't allow it for some reason (maybe because I'm new?). I wondered if you might message me -- maybe then I can message you back? I wanted to talk a bit more personally and I thought you might be open to it. But if not that is totally cool.

 

x thanks, Betty

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I wondered if you might message me -- maybe then I can message you back?

This was your fifth post, PM privileges are yours now.  You are off review as well.

[Betty K]

Thanks Vicki. That was good timing!

[Bri2020]

Welcome.  As everyone has said- Therapist.

One thing I've noticed from my journey which has similar elements to yours except I've always known I wasn't attracted to men is that I've discovered that my happiness and feeling that I'm more complete now (I'm on HRT) is completely separate from my sexuality.  When I was young (pre-pubescent) I fantasized about being a woman but not about sex. I eventually got the courage to try on my moms clothes and that act of fulfilling my fantasy along with puberty would get me aroused.  Everything got my teenage self aroused so...  This led to a lot of confusion for me because I connected my sexuality with my desire to be female.  Because I didn't have any attraction to men back then and I didn't even realize there were lesbians it made me feel like a freak. I then went through years of repression but the rare occasion it blossomed again my expression of femininity had a sexual nature attached to it left over from those years.   

That attachment made me think I just had a fetish. (I didn't want to admit I was trans so) It never felt "right" or "fulfilling"  so I would then just subconsciously bury it again and move through life as a cis hetero male. It took a lot of soul searching and work to discover that it was my original feeling from my pre-pubescent period were the "right" ones.  Sex/uality just confused the matter.  

Fast forward- once I started on the journey of transitioning it felt amazinging complete because sexuality was not the focus anymore. Just going through life day to day AS a woman brought me the sense of being that led to the happiness that has always eluded me.

My long point here is- a gender therapist can help sort these thing out with you so the journey /path to discovery might be shorter and straighter.

Good luck on the journey.

Hugs 

Bri

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

It took a lot of soul searching and work to discover that it was my original feeling from my pre-pubescent period were the "right" ones.  Sex/uality just confused the matter.  

I connect so closely to your life story and feeling, Bri!  thank you for sharing that.  And @Betty K thank for the PM.  Reply should be waiting in your Inbox ?

[Betty K]

Hi @Bri2020and thank you for the welcome and the insight. The bit about puberty just confusing the issue is so interesting: I never looked at it that way. In my mind, those pre-pubescent crossdressing experiences have come to seem like early sexual experiences, but maybe that’s just how I interpreted them from a post-pubescent standpoint.

 

Something that also ties in here, I think: though I’m still fantasising wildly about men lately, the fantasies that are becoming my most cherished seem to be the ones about simply hanging out as my femme self — going to a cafe is my current favourite. (Of course I fantasies about a man taking me to a cafe, but also just about being there alone, writing in my journal the way I do as my man self.) So yes, it sounds truly amazing to just BE Betty. So amazing it seems too good to be true, I think.

 

Re the counsellor, I am on the waiting list of someone I’ve been recommended. But waiting lists for everything trans-related, in Australia at least, seem to be long.

 

Thanks again for your comment Bri, and for the support

[Betty K]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to give an update...

 

Something amazing happened to me last night. I had just had sex with a man (my third); it was nice and very exciting in parts but when he left I still felt unsatisfied. Mainly, I didn't want to let go of being my female self. So, to prolong the pleasure, I lingered by the big wall-size mirror (I was in an apartment-hotel) and took pictures of myself for about half an hour. Then I just stood and looked at myself, and I said aloud, "I love you Betty. I don't want to say goodbye. You are a beautiful woman." And I looked in my face, fearlessly, without judgement, not comparing it to a "real" woman's face, just seeing it for what it was, and realised it was true: I am a woman, a beautiful woman. I cried for so long. It felt like a 40-year-old wound being drained. I felt so sad for all the years I'd felt inadequate for not being "man" enough; why couldn't I have felt proud for being part-woman? But I felt happy too, overjoyed, so so happy to be me.

 

There is another sad side. After another hour or two I reluctantly took off the clothes, the fake nails, the fake breasts, and the make-up and went back in the bedroom and tried to see what I'd seen before, but I couldn't. I was a man again. And not a man I find very beautiful -- or in any case not half as beautiful as I find Betty. So I guess I'm still in deep confusion. But I feel sure something good is unfolding.

 

Thanks for reading. x

[Drayse]

Hi @Betty K
Firstly your last post has put me into a state of bisexual panic. XD

 

Secondly, you seem to have very strong longings for womanhood. Even if may be gender fluid. Doctor Z PHd has a video on that might prove illuminating. Have you had a session with a gender therapist yet? I know that they should be able to guide you through it. My therapist helped me discover that my resistance to my own longings were due to internalized transphobia.

 

https://youtu.be/0MXYWAdw7O8

[Jackie C.]

11 hours ago, Betty K said:

Then I just stood and looked at myself, and I said aloud, "I love you Betty. I don't want to say goodbye. You are a beautiful woman." And I looked in my face, fearlessly, without judgement, not comparing it to a "real" woman's face, just seeing it for what it was, and realized it was true: I am a woman, a beautiful woman.

 

That's actually part of my morning ritual. I love the feeling and hope I never, ever get numb to it. Though I usually just call myself "cute."

 

Hugs!

[Betty K]

@Drayse aw shucks xx. I will watch the video when I get up tomorrow. And no I haven't yet seen a gender therapist. I am on a waiting list, supposedly. And yes, I really do have strong yearnings for womanhood, but they are so sudden, and progressing so rapidly, I am finding it difficult to fully accept and cope with them. It has been a rough few months.

 

@Jackie C.that is good to know. What a great ritual! It felt so healing. Thank you for your wisdom.

 

 

 

[Betty K]

18 hours ago, Drayse said:

My therapist helped me discover that my resistance to my own longings were due to internalized transphobia.

Hi again Drayse,

 

I think it is very likely that I am in the same boat here. As I've said, I was bullied a lot for being effeminate as a child and teenager, and in some way I don't entirely understand I think I took on the attitudes of the people bullying me. Certainly I have felt fear and resistance every time this issue has reared its head in the past. But I just don't have anything to lose anymore. Also, I realised something positive today: I am not ashamed. Not at all. I'm female! Or feminine, or whatever I am. So what? Why be ashamed? I love it. And I love to make love with men. So what? I'm not ashamed, I'm proud of it. I don't know exactly what had to shift in me for this to happen, but I'm just so certain this is a positive thing. But yes, I'm still confused. I feel as if embracing my woman self may mean saying goodbye to my man self, and I guess I'm not quite ready to accept that yet.

 

I watched Dr Z's video and it was helpful, as were many of her other videos. But I'm still not quite sure how to answer her crucial question. Do I want to be a woman or just feel like a woman? I just don't know, partly because I just don't quite believe I can be a "real woman" no matter what I do. If I could click my fingers and be a woman, increasingly I feel as if I just might do that. Tbh, it sounds wonderful. But I am 6 foot 2, have a prominent Adam's apple, a baritone voice, and would never submit to full gender reassignment surgery -- I am just too scared of the knife. And though I know those things are all superficial, they still eat at my confidence. Will I be accepted as a woman? Will I accept myself as a woman? I have my doubts.

 

One thing is for sure: I have a woman's spirit inside me. I am part woman, and maybe will one day feel more woman than man. But I'm not there yet.

 

Thank you again for your comment Drayse. I have many more of Dr X's videos lined up ready to watch and I know they will be very helpful.

 

x Betty

[Drayse]

4 hours ago, Betty K said:

Will I be accepted as a woman? Will I accept myself as a woman? I have my doubts.

Whether you pass society's standards for femininity or you choose to live by your own, you're still a sister. Sister. ?

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Drayse said:

Whether you pass society's standards for femininity or you choose to live by your own, you're still a sister. Sister.

 

❤️❤️❤️

[Chloe Cozee]

I truly enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts in this topic. I spend a lot of time everyday, seems like every moment at times trying to figure out who I am and what the next step is for me.