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Nothing beats being invalidated in the community.


Red_Lauren.

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Red_Lauren.

So on another fourm I use to go to. I made a topic were I discussed my transition, and it was going well. Till last night I posted a up date. That I expericed pms the last few days. 

 

This morning I saw it was locked, and a mod. Who I don't even know if they are trans, or just a cd. Said trans woman can't experience pms. As we don't have proper equipment, and im locking this fansanity topic. 

 

I wanted to say every gender experiences pms to a degree, and the explain I have been noticeing I've been moody, tired, and have cravings. Typical pms signs, but I knew I would go off on her. So I logged out, and will never return. 

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  • Forum Moderator

@Red_Lauren.

I’m sorry you experienced this kind of censorship on whatever site or forum you’re referring. I don’t understand why your experience of a feeling would be invalidated like that. Maybe it was a bad day for that mod!? 

 

I personally believe my emotions to some degree are on cyclical loop of ups and downs especially since beginning a progesterone ~18 months ago. What’s even crazier...my emotions seem to correspond in the same timely fashion as my wife’s who is in menopause and should not experience much of this. I think my sharing that kind of info isn’t cause for such censorship.

 

Luckily, you have us here to share this information.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

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CD Rachel

Red_Lauren,

 

I too am a member of that forum and noticed the locked thread this morning. I do not understand why it was locked. Your experiances and feelings are yours and should be respected. I have long felt that some of the mods "over there" are a bit over zealous and take a "gate keeper" approach that they are the subject matter experts and no deviation from their own experience or knowledge is valid.  Please try not to take this experience to heart and remember that we are all human and make mistakes. 

 

Remember above all else that you are loved.

 

Rachel

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Red_Lauren.

I'll probably start hanging out here more. Here is the funny thing also. A few woman I have told myself about who know a thing about what I'm going through. They arnt trans. They just understand It better. They said wait till pms, and the emotions hit. 

 

As for that other site. I've been visiting it close to ten years, and finally started posting a few years ago. I knew even ten years ago. That it wasn't going to be a major thing in my life. I felt like I never fit in. Because I wasn't a cd, I'm young, I don't hide who I'm, I never viewed dressing as a fetish nothing wrong with that btw. It just wasn't my thing.

 

A lot of the people there. Would ask for help about presenting as a woman. They would completely blow over help from the woman, and the small amount of mtf. That present as a woman daily, but take advice from the other older cds. That think they know better. I stopped giving my input on them topics a long time ago. 

 

As for the gatekeeping. That also got me. I have had many post edited. Because it didn't fit the nartive of what they wanted to hear. Again I'm sorry my views didn't match what a 60 plus year old cd, but you can't sugar coat every thing..

 

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  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

Please try not to take this experience to heart and remember that we are all human and make mistakes. 

 

Remember above all else that you are loved.

Well stated Rachel!👍

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Red_Lauren.

I know I'm loved, and never felt unloved. It's just kinda crazy this stuff happens on the community. 

 

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5 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

So on another fourm I use to go to. I made a topic were I discussed my transition, and it was going well. Till last night I posted a up date. That I expericed pms the last few days. 

 

This morning I saw it was locked, and a mod. Who I don't even know if they are trans, or just a cd. Said trans woman can't experience pms. As we don't have proper equipment, and im locking this fansanity topic. 

 

I wanted to say every gender experiences pms to a degree, and the explain I have been noticeing I've been moody, tired, and have cravings. Typical pms signs, but I knew I would go off on her. So I logged out, and will never return. 

 

...

 

WHAT?

 

Really? That is so much crap. You are correct in saying that every gender experiences some form of something that can be considered PMS. Both of my partners are cis-men and have their own versions of a cycle that often mirror mine. I joke about them being on their periods when they experience their own version of PMS. We have a good laugh and I'll pick up their favorite snacks or bake them their favorite treats if I have the energy. Everyone has a cycle of some kind. Just because you don't literally have a period doesn't mean you're not experiencing a change in your hormones.

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I think I know the CD forum that you're talking about.  It became obvious to me that they are in it for the money.  I quite as soon as I figured that out.

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Red_Lauren.
4 hours ago, Kiara said:

 

...

 

WHAT?

 

Really? That is so much crap. You are correct in saying that every gender experiences some form of something that can be considered PMS. Both of my partners are cis-men and have their own versions of a cycle that often mirror mine. I joke about them being on their periods when they experience their own version of PMS. We have a good laugh and I'll pick up their favorite snacks or bake them their favorite treats if I have the energy. Everyone has a cycle of some kind. Just because you don't literally have a period doesn't mean you're not experiencing a change in your hormones.

Yep. Now mind you I never said that hormones would do as she claimed. I never claimed to all of a sudden have female reproductive organs, at least as far as I know. I wasn't born intersex. 

20210109_222536.jpg

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Red_Lauren.

I was thinking about this on and off all day at work. It is what it is, it did make me mad, and sad. To the point were I felt like crying, but I couldn't. Emotions quite aren't there 100% yet. Maybe if I was with one of my girlfriend's. I probably would have broken down.

 

What hurts me the most. Is this person is part of the trans community, and mod on a trans related fourm. Stuff like she said. Is exactly the reason why I don't interact with the trans community a whole lot. As I've heard, and read a lot worst between the community long before I ever transitioned. Thats what I don't get. We deal with enough bs the way it is. Why make our lives even worst.

 

That is the end of my rant. Now back your normally scheduled programming. 

 

I do plan on sitting down one day this week, and make a journal for you ladies. It might not be super informative, or super interesting, but I've read, and seen a lot of similar things. From older ladies, and younger ones, and how different their journeys are.

 

While it seems like there are hardly any trans ladies 30-50. That are doing them. Probably for many reasons, but think the whole process will be completely different for me at 35. Then them two crowds. 

 

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Our "community" consists of a variety of different types of people, not all of whom have that much in common, or necessarily understand the situation of others.

 

I have met crossdressers who had no understanding about dysphoria, because they had never experienced it.  To be honest, I don't know what it feels like to be a crossdresser, so I can't really relate to what motivates them.

 

This is no excuse for failing to treat everyone with respect, and just because someone else doesn't understand you, it doesn't mean that what you say is wrong.  A deaf person could argue that music doesn't exist, because to them it doesn't.

 

Robin.

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  • Admin

In my grumpy days I do not refer to Trans as a community, but rather a Statistical Population which means it is just numbers and not people.   It really makes me  grumpy to angry from the invalidation that goes on.  I too joke about my PMS (which does make me grumpy BTW), but I know darn well it is not what a physiologically correct woman's is.  It sounds like your antagonist was possibly a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist, or from our own world a "True Trans" person who creates their own rules.  When your happiness depends on making someone else miserable, you are really a miserable person. 

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CD Rachel

I think that the TERF is probably the correct term in this case. There are several over their but their are also a lot of genuine and caring individuals.  Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. When this happens to me I try letting it go but sometimes that is easier said then done.

 

Rachel

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Red_Lauren.

Robin ill add to what you said. My hairdresser/brow wax lady is dealing with breast cancer. The worst is over, and just had a slight set back, but will be her self this summer. She only knows me as a guy that dabbles with my female side for now.

 

When she told me she had it. I pretty munch stepped aside, and let the females in her life support her 100%. Its not like I didn't support her. I felt like I couldn't offer munch. 

 

As for a terf. I never heard of that till now, and did a bit of a Google search. I hate the far left or right groups like that. It don't matter what their cause is. You can't force the general public to abide buy your beliefs. There are modern feminist groups. That hate other woman because they are straight, married, and hate straight white males. There are some horrible trans and gay groups out there. Among other group's. 

 

What they don't get is this. Millions of people worked hard to get woman, gays, and trans, minoritys, and other sub cultures. The rights that weren't even possible 60 years ago.  Then these far right or far left group's came around, and I feel like they are are setting back the work. That people did for them so they could have them rights.

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  • 2 weeks later...
gina-nicole-t

I have never been a member of another forum except this one, and am glad to be a member of it. The biggest problem I have had with the community has been on social media. I was messaged by another trans woman on a social media account that I have had for 12 years. She demanded that I put up a real picture of myself on my profile. When I explained that I didn't have one due to the pandemic putting off my surgeries, she demanded I change my name or leave the platform. I changed my name and she has basically outed me to every trans person on this platform. I know realize that Pride and everything I was looking forward too will now not be an enjoyable experience post surgery and post pandemic for me. I would honestly like to know who put certain people in charge of making new trans people's lives miserable? We all went through the same thing. Yes some of you are more beautiful than some of us. That doesn't give you the right to make our lives worse. I don't ever hear Lavern Cox, Trace Lysette, or Jamie Clayton judging anyone. 

Respectfully, 

Gina

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2 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

The biggest problem I have had with the community has been on social media.

So sorry to hear about this, Gina. I can’t even see this person’s logic in requiring you to post any avatar pic whatsoever.  It’s this sort of thing that has kept me off of all mainstream social media sites but I had no idea that this stuff could happen on a ‘community’ based social media site put in place to specially serve and help members like us.

 

Susan R🌷

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gina-nicole-t

@Susan R oh yeah on social media related to transgender you would be surprised at the amount of people who want to make sure you fit into their box, and if you don't out you go with a very swift kick. The fact is I still have many trans friends on my social media site that never abandoned me, it just appears to be the ones who think that their beauty rises above, and believe they can set standards for everyone else. I believe that is what leads to body image issues with everyone not just trans women, but cis women, and men who hate how they look also. I have a few trans friends that are very attractive, but they never rub it in anyone's face. They are some (like you) of the nicest people I have ever met. I guess it goes to show only some people use their beauty for power, and others not. 

Gina 

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Dear @gina-nicole-t, I'm sorry to hear about your experience on social media. It's for reasons like what you describe, as well as keeping a lower profile online due to my profession, that I avoid social media altogether. Mainstream media does no favors to anyone by promoting standards out of reach of all but a lucky few. As a result, body image issues are something that so many people struggle with, myself included. Dealing with those issues *and* being transgender adds complexity because of the dysphoria involved. There is also the very real relationship between the ability to pass, and staying safe in spaces that may not be accepting of transgender people. I strongly believe in body positive thinking. I'm working hard on overcoming my insecurities with my body during transition, but it certainly isn't easy to break out of those cycles of negative thinking. Most of all, surrounding myself with supportive and affirming people goes a long way towards building that self-esteem!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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9 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

on social media related to transgender you would be surprised at the amount of people who want to make sure you fit into their box, and if you don't out you go with a very swift kick. The fact is I still have many trans friends on my social media site that never abandoned me, it just appears to be the ones who think that their beauty rises above, and believe they can set standards for everyone else.

 

I have seen many of those sites, and they are not helping themselves.  By insisting on certain standards of "beauty" they paste a target on their backs, and then isolate to keep from being shot down.  It is the isolation that will keep them from becoming authentic members of their broader communities of Trans and Cis IRL.  It is those actions that give credence to the cis population idea that we are playing dress-up as opposed to real identities.   I have some "Glam" pictures of myself, and they are the ones that broadcast me as Trans and not day to day female (or NB in some cases).  The Glam shots were taken at Trans conferences where I was in a group of a few hundred Trans individuals of CD  up to post surgical people. I like to see them every now and then, but it is not my daily wear which for now is plain cotton underpants, sweat slacks and my supply of T-shirts from various events I attended in the past.  No one looks twice at me, and no misreading of who I am.  If they wonder, it is not about my making a mistake in my wardrobe or combed, but not styled hair and thus they can go ahead and wonder if they have nothing better to do with their time.  It is not my business or doing.  Just my acquired wisdom is that you are more perfect if you are imperfect, if the shoes are flats, and the hair is a little mussed, or if you do not have eyelashes or eyebrows done perfectly then you are the most comfortable, least worried, and probably much happier.

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gina-nicole-t

@VickySGV I agree with you that by using their beauty they are probably keeping themselves from being true members of the trans community. They are probably the ones that make Pride not a welcoming experience for people they don't feel should attend. I have always wanted to get some pictures of myself taken when I get to a point that I feel I am ready for them. Post surgical, scars healed, hair totally removed, money saved, etc. I guess like you not something I would keep on my coffee table for everyone to look at they would just be for me. 

I am happy the way I look not all dressed up all the time. If I had to do that all the time to impress a few I think I would go broke trying to impress people. I don't think I need to impress anyone. 

Thank you, 

Gina 

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gina-nicole-t

@Audrey I know exactly how you feel to not look the way you want. I look in my mirror everyday and think I am never going to loose the weight I want and need to look good, and I am never going to be pretty no matter the surgery I have. My huge problem is no matter how much I practice with makeup I feel I still look like the Joker...lol. I have to have vocal surgery ever though I don't have an Adams Apple like most men do I still have the deep voice that won't go away with speech therapy. So I really understand where you are coming from. 

Gina 

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Red_Lauren.

Ive been around the internet for a while now. There is bad and good sites for every thing. You can typically tell how bad it is if the forum is full of banned members. 

 

I usually avoid trans related stuff. I've learned a lot of it is full of hatred, or nothing good at all. With the uprising of the trans movement. It seems like now unless you started at 15 yeas old, and didn't have mommy, daddy, or some one else pay for you're operations, and care. You are viewed 180 of what a trans person is. Same can be said for these famous trans people. Just because they are rich, and can afford operation's now. Don't mean I can or want the same operation's. 

 

 

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Cheyenne skye

@Red_Lauren.I know which forum that is from your screen shot. I started my journey on that forum but soon realized it really wasn't for me. I haven't been on there in very long time. Just remove that bookmark from your browser and move on.

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Red_Lauren.

I didn't even have it bookmarked. I moved on the night I posted what I said here. 

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