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Not feeling dysphoric around certain people


Marumaru

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(Sorry if my English is weird) Hi everyone, recently I've been trying to figure out whether or not I belong to the gender I was assigned to at birth, and I'm close to the conclusion that I might be nonbinary.

I picked a male name that feels right, however then i noticed that while I prefer to be perceived as male or androgynous, there are several people whom I would prefer to refer me by my "old" name, she/her pronounce etc.

Does anyone have similar experience?

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Hi Marumaru, welcome to the forum :)

 

Your English very good so no worries there. For many people here English is not their first language and, even for the English speakers, they live in such diverse areas that the English varies much too.

 

Thing can be very confusing at times as we can be very variable dependent on the circumstances. I find that things have become clearer with living the way I feel and placing less emphasis on the names. At first too hearing someone you have known for many years referring to you by a differently gendered name can feel very strange. One point with me, whether for good or bad, is that I think about the things I do and the effects it would have on the social group. For instance, although I wear female clothing I don't dress to extreme or change my name when visiting my elderly mother. It is of little consequence to me but it is better for her. She does comment on my makeup at times or my hair or the way I dress but to openly totally change would not help with her health and wellbeing.

 

My approach is to take things steadily and most people then live with the change.

 

So yes, I do have similar experience. Our lives are all different though so everyone's experience will be different.

 

Tracy

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6 hours ago, tracy_j said:

Hi Marumaru, welcome to the forum :)

 

Your English very good so no worries there. For many people here English is not their first language and, even for the English speakers, they live in such diverse areas that the English varies much too.

 

Thing can be very confusing at times as we can be very variable dependent on the circumstances. I find that things have become clearer with living the way I feel and placing less emphasis on the names. At first too hearing someone you have known for many years referring to you by a differently gendered name can feel very strange. One point with me, whether for good or bad, is that I think about the things I do and the effects it would have on the social group. For instance, although I wear female clothing I don't dress to extreme or change my name when visiting my elderly mother. It is of little consequence to me but it is better for her. She does comment on my makeup at times or my hair or the way I dress but to openly totally change would not help with her health and wellbeing.

 

My approach is to take things steadily and most people then live with the change.

 

So yes, I do have similar experience. Our lives are all different though so everyone's experience will be different.

 

Tracy

Thank you for your reply! 😊

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Hello and welcome. Just letting you know, your English is perfectly fine. 

I'm AFAB and still like using my original name, even though the short version of it is gender neutral. I personally just feel it makes things easier for me. I'm also very settled on being both male and female in a Bigender way. I go by they/them/their/theirs/themself or ze/hir/hirs/hirself in safe spaces, but for safety reasons in public spaces I still use female pronouns even though I really don't prefer it. Safety first and comfort second.

You are yourself, regardless of the name, but what you name yourself is what people will use to reach out to you. It's a word that you yourself would recognize, like a password. Your name doesn't need to match your gender. Society tends to like a match between gender and name, because it makes it easier to identify that person  without thinking much about the person it refers to. Society might have its needs, but you still need yourself regardless of what others thoughts and feelings are towards what you call yourself. Just take life in paces of small steps and no need to race for answers. Your life is your own and you live with yourself everyday 24/7, while society gets its breaks. If you prefer to call yourself by your "old" name, and don't mind using she/her pronouns, then that's less for you to worry about. Just don't forget societies preferences aren't equally to your own preferences.  

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19 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

Hello and welcome. Just letting you know, your English is perfectly fine. 

I'm AFAB and still like using my original name, even though the short version of it is gender neutral. I personally just feel it makes things easier for me. I'm also very settled on being both male and female in a Bigender way. I go by they/them/their/theirs/themself or ze/hir/hirs/hirself in safe spaces, but for safety reasons in public spaces I still use female pronouns even though I really don't prefer it. Safety first and comfort second.

You are yourself, regardless of the name, but what you name yourself is what people will use to reach out to you. It's a word that you yourself would recognize, like a password. Your name doesn't need to match your gender. Society tends to like a match between gender and name, because it makes it easier to identify that person  without thinking much about the person it refers to. Society might have its needs, but you still need yourself regardless of what others thoughts and feelings are towards what you call yourself. Just take life in paces of small steps and no need to race for answers. Your life is your own and you live with yourself everyday 24/7, while society gets its breaks. If you prefer to call yourself by your "old" name, and don't mind using she/her pronouns, then that's less for you to worry about. Just don't forget societies preferences aren't equally to your own preferences.  

Thank you so much for your answer!🙏

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Welcome Marumaru.

As has been said, your English is fine (probably better than mine)

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Welcome Marumaru,

Your English is better than that of some people I know who grew up with the language,  I am currently using the term bigender to label myself.  I present myself as either gender depending on how I feel and the circumstances.  I accept the pronouns used for the gender I'm presenting.  I have had the wrong pronouns used when I'm Lauren.  I don't have a problem with that because I know I'm both, the same with my name.  If I feel it's appropriate I gently correct them but there are times when it's best to ignore it and let it pass.

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Are you Japanese? Your English is very good. I'd love to learn Japanese.

I'm not non-binary so I may not be able to assist you very much... 

I think that dysphoria can change depending on the day and situation.

 

At first, it is very odd to hear someone call you by a different name but you get used to it after a while.

You might be more comfortable using a different pronoun and name around certain people, there is no issue in that, although you may need to correct someone once in a while.

You can always have a pseudonym, too, and if you're up for experimenting, there are gender neutral names such as Makoto or Tsukasa.

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