Finding the blue bird of happiness.

[CD Rachel]

How do I make my tomorrows brighter?

 This is not about a physical transition but a mental transition.

I have been thinking about how I should approach this new year.

For the first time since I was 18 it is just me.  I am alone and on my own for the first time in my life. I am filled with self doubt. What do I want in life? Who am I? What am I? Where am I going and what bus do I take to get there? How can I find the blue bird of happiness?

Sometimes I think that I have more issues than Time magazine….

I have social anxiety disorder. I am afraid to make a phone call or to talk to strangers, i.e.  order pizza, make an appointment. I have anxiety going to the store because I must interact with other people. Even a fun New Years day Zoom meeting of CD/TG that I was looking forward to attending but got cold feet just 10 minutes before it began. I literally ran to my bedroom and stayed there for an hour. Sometime I get better after a few minutes of interacting getting to know someone, but other times I remain afraid and embarrassed almost wanting to run away from the conversation. I have a very difficult time making new friends and keeping friends. My wife knew of my disorder and helped me to get through daily life. But now that buffer is gone and I feel completely exposed.

How do I become more self disciplined? How do I get over the social anxiety? How do I make new friends and meet new people? How can I constructively spend my time?

For the New Year here are some of the things that I want to do. I want to join the group meetings with Lehigh Valley Transgender Renaissance. I want to get better at playing guitar, I want to learn how to use and apply makeup. Maybe this year will be the first public appearance for Rachel? Start voice training? Start HRT? Electrolysis?

I am looking forward to working with a therapist for my issues. I want to move past just seeing the therapist to survive day to day. I want to explore my gender dysphoria and my social anxieties. I want to be set free to be the best me that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be and I want to be there for others as they have so often been there for me.

So what are some practical things that I can do to become a happier better version of me? Should I look at myself in the mirror each morning telling myself “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it people like me” What are some things that you have done to become a better you.

Love,

Rachel

[Audrey]

Hi Rachel,

 

I think your positive self-affirmations are a beautiful step towards a happier you. I strive to do the same thing, the negativity in my head is something that I've definitely struggled with as well. Something that's helped me over the years is recognizing the ways that my thinking influences my feelings, which then influences my actions. By challenging the negative thoughts and reframing them before they have a chance to affect my feelings, I'm more able to keep despair, depression, and anxiety from taking over me and leading me towards self-destructive behavior. It hasn't been easy though, some of my thoughts have been deeply ingrained and take a lot to challenge them. I'm glad you're looking into connecting with a therapist about social anxiety and gender dysphoria. Having that support was essential towards thinking differently, and like you I was convinced I should be able to do it on my own (how wrong I was). At first, it may feel like getting through each day and into tomorrow but that itself is a positive thing when each day feels difficult. In time, I'm confident and hopeful you'll look further into the future and see yourself living the authentic life you want to live.

 

I hope this is helpful! Also... nice reference to the movie K-Pax by the way, "the bluebird of happiness."

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jani]

Self doubt at times is common among many groups of people.  Don't fret over it but don't let it drive your life narrative.  

 

"What do I want in life? Who am I? What am I? Where am I going and what bus do I take to get there? How can I find the blue bird of happiness?"

 

It's the age old questions we all ask.  Again don't think you're alone in this.  You are not.  So you have social anxiety but you want to move forward.  Start small.  Say "I will do this one thing" then make the call to order that pizza or book an appointment.  Then reflect briefly on how it went.  Did you come out the other side all right?  Yes maybe sweaty palms but you survived.  Then try it again.  We change by making small steps that we reinforce regularly to make them habits.  Habits then become automatic as we don't think about them as we go about our daily business.  

 

Dealing with this while pondering transition is difficult so I would recommend focusing on this one first to help ground yourself and find your balance.  

 

All my best, 

Jani

[Mx.Drago]

Know the feeling of that particular anxiety too well. It's rough and tough ride. I found it helpful to keep a schedule of some sort, with specifically a dedicating moment early in the day or just after you wake up, all for you to relax just with yourself by yourself. In that moment for yourself you can meditate, or do some activity that doesn't require you to look at or talk to another person. I like watching the sun come up, the colors of the sky changing calms me. This moment is your moment of the day, free from anxiety before you have to do the things you need.

When I'm preparing to do an activity that requires a lot of social interaction, it's important to give yourself prep time to take a breath and prepare to dive, counting helps. I envision it as like a whale breaching and preparing to dive again. You dive into a social interaction after each breath, but eventually you'll be able to surface again for another breath of relief. Remember the goal of the task you need to accomplish, and the reason you are doing the interaction is important to completing and achieving that goal. Talking to that other person is just a small step towards that accomplishment of completing the task you need done, like pushing keys on the keyboard.

In conversation, stick with the things you know involving that interaction, and don't sweat details that are unknown. If you don't know something just ask and get your answer as best and quickly as you can get it. If anxiety strikes, remember to take a deep breath while closing your eyes for a second like a momentary reset. For me not seeing the person for a moment helps. When I start to get nervous I squeeze the tips of my fingers cuz it can be done discreetly. 

The idea is to condition your mind to prepare it for work by giving it a script to follow and time to process the task requirements, so it's less stressful going into that social interaction. The more practice you gain with interactions, the less prep time needed to go into that interaction. Conditioning yourself will take time and practice to reaffirm the action till it becomes natural, so you won't need as much prep time or de-stressing actions as often. It's possible to overcome your anxiety, though I haven't quite reached that point as of yet, even though I have a very socially interactive job working for a college for practice. I both hate and like my work, I help people but still have to talk with them, it's like I'm willfully condemning myself to the twilight zone...But at the end of the day you leave that work and can rest till you rinse and repeat the next day. You do what you can but remember you need to get things done and that task is what matters. 

I hope this helps, but a therapist would definitely help more, especially as a subject for practice. With practice and hard work, you'll be at least able to call for pizza and talk to a doctor. You also already have a wife, keep her well being in mind, cuz your improvement is just as important for her as much as yourself. Be well, stay safe and good luck.

[CD Rachel]

5 hours ago, Audrey said:

I hope this is helpful! Also... nice reference to the movie K-Pax by the way, "the bluebird of happiness."

 

Hi Audrey and thank you for the advice. When i find good advice i copy the specific helpful item into a word document so that I can review it again later so... you made it to my word document.. LOL I did not know that "the bluebird of happiness" was referenced in K-PAX. I did see the movie but did not remember that being in it. I was referencing the 1940 Movie called "The Blue Bird" staring Shirley Temple. I am a fan of old movies.

 

Jani, Than you for adding your wisdom. Again copied and pasted for future reference. The difficult part is trying to put off transition. Some days I am so sure and other days i am afraid and in denial. I am hoping a good therapist can help me overcome my fears and make a stand.

 

Mx.Drago, Thank you so much for sharing your experience in overcoming anxiety. I will try to practice your ideas until they become second nature.

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

You also already have a wife,

 

Unfortunately this is no longer the case. As soon as the word transgender came out of my mouth she had one foot out the door. We stay in contact and I still try to help her as she got into a bad situation with her new home. But 32 years of marriage has all gone now, washed away like tears in the rain.

 

Rachel

 

[Audrey]

@CD Rachel Oh LOL - I immediately thought of K-Pax, but I'm a major movie junkie and so pretty much *everything* reminds me of a movie I've seen. The scene occurs after Prot (a traveler from space) tells the residents of a mental health hospital that there are three "tasks," the first of which is to spot the bluebird of happiness. A short time later, one of the residents spots a bluebird in a tree outside and there is a big commotion. I believe there is a clip on YouTube if you're curious but I won't link it here as it will likely have language.

I'm happy to offer the support and honored to make it into your save file, Rachel!  ❤️ 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Mx.Drago]

3 hours ago, CD Rachel said:

Mx.Drago, Thank you so much for sharing your experience in overcoming anxiety. I will try to practice your ideas until they become second nature.

 

Unfortunately this is no longer the case. As soon as the word transgender came out of my mouth she had one foot out the door. We stay in contact and I still try to help her as she got into a bad situation with her new home. But 32 years of marriage has all gone now, washed away like tears in the rain.

 

Rachel

 

I'm sorry, the fact totally slipped by me while I was reading your post. But at least she still relies on your help and stays in contact. I hope she realizes how important you are and maybe it's possible to keep it as at least friends. Though it may not be her who will benefit from your improvements, those you meet in the future will receive all the benefits and may it bring you prosperity. Never stop trying to improving yourself for the better. You can't prevent the suffering parts but you can try to affect the quality of the suffering and reduce the quantity. Most days I feel like a raging thunderstorm, but I try to curve it to a light melancholy grey skies with maybe a few showers to relieve stress. I just try to stick with the things I know that make me happy or relaxed. For me music, artwork, games, good food & drink, watching the birds outside, caring for plants/animals, reading a good story, simple smells and scents...there are so many things that can be done to help take the edge off the pain. The pain might not completely go away, but you do what you can to always try to leave things better than how it was starting.   

[CD Rachel]

Mx.Drago,

 

Thank you so much for your post. In sharing my pain I become less burdened by it. I had nearly fallen into the abyss, but somehow I am still here. I chose to live and to become the best version of myself that i can become. I am learning as much as i can about bettering myself and learning to be happy again. Everything that I read hear becomes a tool that i can use to be the better me.

Thank you

Rachel

[Mx.Drago]

All for the better morrow. ?I like your avatar picture. Love alpacas and llamas.

[Zailey]

Ive had this same problem finding happiness social anxiety can make things hard but one thing that seems to help me is this question.  Why don't you do something you like?  Something you've been interested in but didn't invest time into it.  For example I was curious about building my own computer to save money.  Now I didn't know much of anything about how they worked but after doing my research online.  I found out it's not that hard (can be pricey tho but it's a lil monster, total dork here forgive me >_<).  Similar situation with me wanting to try counseling and starting my transition.  I took those first few steps with little hope of the destination but I am enjoying the journey along the way.

Worst that happens is you dont enjoy it, success or failure. Some ideas maybe cooking [something new], rock climbing, volunteering, designing some clothes for yourself, writing, or learning a new skill.

Literally had the idea to start making a game from scratch last week.  A few youtube videos and reddit forums about visual coding later I'm looking forward to failing, screwing things up, having to redesign, and having those small wins when things work.  All because it's a goal I enjoy.  

Find something your interested in to do and take that first step.

[CD Rachel]

@Zaileyy

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your suggestions. I have been trying to get back into some of my hobbies but the depression still is an issue and I have a difficult time getting started on anything. I have been able to pick up my guitar a couple of times during the past two weeks and reading for pleasure is also slowly returning. These are much better thoughts then the ones I was having before I started the anti depression medications. But there are still days that i just feel overwhelmed and can barely make myself go to work. But baby steps... I will find myself and someday I will be a whole person.

 

I will be starting therapy again after a 4 week hiatus. I am very hopeful and looking forward to being a better version of myself.

 

Rachel