Looks can be deceiving....

[Piellette]

I look like an ordinary guy, hairy legs, beer tummy, facial hair, deep voice... but I've fooled them all! I certainly don't feel like one and hate to be classified as one.  Like many of us here, I was born male.  At around age 8 I figured I liked to wear my sisters clothe more than mine (I have 5 sisters and no brother).  I also played with their toys though I liked mine too.  My parents wouldn't let me wear their clothe so I started doing it "in the closet".  At 12 yo, I started wearing their underwear on a regular basis.  At 15 I only wore girly panties.  At 18 I was full lingerie on a daily basis.  Under my guy's clothe I wore all sorts of lacy, satin, nylon sexy things and I slept in girly nightgowns.  I never told anyone though I might have gotten caught once or twice by my sisters but they never said anything.  After college I started working, traveling a lot, all in woman lingerie under my guy business clothe.  At 30 I got married, with a woman.  I thought that my needs for lingerie was because of lack of female presence and that marriage was my "way out" of this girly phase.  I went a couple of years without any but 1 day before a business trip I stopped at a lingerie store and bought a few items for the trip.  That lasted a few more years, only wearing them away from home.  One day my wife found a pair of panties in my briefcase, she thought I was cheating on her but I explained that I had a panty "fetish" and that I would not do it again!  A few years passed where I stopped but I couldn't take it anymore so I started again and again I got caught.  Long story short, I finally admitted to her that I am a lesbian transwoman last October.  It didn't go very well, she refuses to acknowledge it and threatens to leave if I transitioned.  

 

I now find myself at 52yo with an unsurmountable level of dysphoria, I can't stop thinking about it, it's haunting me on a daily basis.  I have suicidal thoughts and it's "killing" me.  We have 3 kids, the youngest is 15 and has another 3 years in high school.  My thought is I'll start HRT as soon as he's in college but it feels like a really long time.  The reason I signed up to this forum is to make contact, maybe friends? I'm looking for advice, comfort, hope?  I know it's just a bunch of words but sometimes that's all we need.

 

I'd like to start therapy and HRT but I can't because of finances and many other things.  I want to find HRT alternatives if any?  I read about flax seeds and these non-prescription pills but I really don't know anything about any of that stuff.

 

I know I'm not alone with these "problems" but it sure feels like I am.

 

[Jani]

Hello @Piellette and welcome.  Thank you for your introduction.  

 

As to HRT "alternatives" there are none!  Nada, zip, zilch.  There is not enough estrogen in a mountain of these and even if there was you don't know what it would do to your body.  It is dangerous to attempt self medication.  Our body hormones are powerful and they direct many functions.  If you want to go on HRT, seek out a qualified doctor.

 

It seems the issue you have is you told an un-truth to your wife about this being a fetish and stopping.  You say you have underdressed for many years and it appears this has satisfied your dysphoria.  Unfortunately, if you've read much at all, you've seen dysphoria does not generally lessen as time goes on.  Since your wife is adamant about non-transition, and with your past history would it suffice to back up and consider where you really are on the gender spectrum?  A Gender Therapist would greatly help with this.  I was amazed at the clarity I got.  

 

You might engage in an honest conversation where you tell all.  Tell your wife who I assume is your best friend and partner about your past.  Coming clean has a way of cleansing the soul and also allowing the person we love to see the complete us (you).  You are hurting.  She is too.  For me I never came clean because I didn't understand what was going on in my head.  It was embarrassing and confusing.  Therapy changed both of those issues.  

 

Now, transition is not for everyone.  You will see that we frequently tell others to find "your" place where you are happy and can live.  That goes doubly for those of us with spouses and life partners.  Would going back to underdressing be enough to make you feel comfortable in your skin?  Some never go beyond that for social, economic and personal reasons.  Its all good.  This is not a contest or a race.  It is a highly personal journey where you control the pace and the end point.  

 

Talk to your wife.  Find a counselor.  I think you will be much happier than the "ordinary guy, hairy legs, beer tummy, facial hair, deep voice..." that you describe today.  Will your relationship change?  Maybe a little; maybe not.  As it stands you know it can't stay as it is.

 

Please join in the conversation.  You're not alone.  

Jani      

[Audrey]

Dear Piellette, welcome to the forums - it's nice to meet you, and thank you for sharing your story in your introduction. This is a warm and safe place to connect with others who share and relate to your own experiences. I also have struggled with gender dysphoria from a young age, feeling a lot of shame and hiding it and denying it from everyone including myself for decades. I feel your description of wearing women's underwear beneath your clothing is very much a metaphor for how gender dysphoria happens - it's always there, just under the surface, and never really fades away. Like you, I tried many things to get past that "phase" - but the truth is, it's not really a phase, and the cost of that belief was years of depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior. I had my reckoning last year after the pandemic lockdowns, when I couldn't take any more and I finally admitted the truth to myself, came out, and started transition.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your wife has given you an ultimatum between your marriage and your true self after you came out to her in the fall. This must be causing both of you much hardship and pain. Something that may be helpful to you is making a connection with a gender therapist, both to explore your own feelings around gender identity and expression and also to discuss those will impact your relationship. It will also clarify your thoughts about transition in all of the contexts. I understand about wanting to wait until your son moves away for college, but you're right that it's a long time to wait especially when you're feeling all the dysphoria. However, I would caution against the ideas you suggest as alternatives to hormone therapy due to the dangers involved. As @Jani said, speak with a doctor about hormones if you are considering that. There are many ways you could transition and live authentically without taking any hormones at all, if that is the right path for you. All of our journeys are uniquely ours.

 

I'm confident you'll find the support you're seeking here, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

 

[Piellette]

Thank you both for the quick response.  I figured there was no HRT alternatives and I'm not about to self-medicate so I'll have to wait a few more years I guess.  I know I need to seek therapy but I just feel like I can't wait that long but to be honest, I've been unknowingly waiting for years!

 

Since my wife last caught me a couple of years ago I've been wearing woman underwear (panties only) pretty much on a daily basis.  My wife and I agreed that during the weekday I could wear whatever I wanted underneath as long as it does not show and I don't wear it in bed and weekends where we spend time together, with the kids and friends and family.  I agreed because it's the only option I have.  Having them on does help with my dysphoria but it does not "satisfy" me in the sense that it's all I need.  Whenever I'm home alone I put on bras, dress...but since covid we're all stuck at home, all 5 of us!

 

Whenever I see a woman that has the body shape the way I wish I had and clothed the way I would like to dress I get a "thing" like a "pinch" in my chest and I can feel the dysphoria needle going all the way to the red and I instantly feel depressed.  It's difficult to explain but I think you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

[DeeDee]

Hi Piellette,

I cannot add to the advice already given, honestly talking things through with someone who will not judge you cannot be overstated! but it is nice to meet you.

There are a lot of us who simply dressed for years, outwardly I look nothing like the person I feel I am on the inside & it was my marriage failing that made me stop and start trying to discover who I was; the buying, wearing and guiltily throwing out cycle has been with me my whole life, but before that I was using my mums and 4 sisters clothes. I would say that as parents we tend to project our fears onto our children and the world they live in is generally much more accepting than ours. I have two, and while I haven't told them yet I know teaching them that they do not need to hide who they are to be loved by others is an important lesson. I wish you well.

[Charlize]

Welcome Piellette.  I can remember only too clearly feeling as you do now.  That feeling of being stuck was terrible.  It may have been one of the contributors to my issues with addiction.  As in dealt with that issue i learned the importance of honesty.  Coming here, where i wasn't judged, going to therapy all helped me find a path to being comfortable with myself. 

I'm glad you found us.  Simply knowing i wasn't alone seemed amazing.  I'm not a pervert.  I do not have a fetish.  I have nothing to be ashamed of in being the person i am.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Piellette,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Esther]

Hi Pielette,

I also understand where you're coming from. But remember, your transition means that the people around you also must go through a transition. For some easier than others.

In the meantime, before starting transition, if possible, you could change your body to your liking, and start (laser) hair removal. 

Hugs from Europe 

[Ivy]

Welcome to Transpulse Pielette.

[Susan R]

Welcome to our forum, @Piellette. Your story is much like mine. I can understand your need to take the steps you have. It’s hard to hide it our whole life. I hope it works out with your family. I believe the longer you spend working through it communicating with you wife and setting up a plan to give her some expectations, the better the chance it could work. It takes awhile for the adjustment to take place.

 

I agree with @Jani that self medicating will either a total waste of money with no results or something much worse and irreversible like liver and kidney damage. Unless a specialized doctor is keeping track of your regimen and levels, it’s a total crapshoot.

 

I’m glad you joined our forum and hope you enjoy the people and resources available to you here. I can tell you that it’s been invaluable to me and so many others. I hope to see you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Lexi C]

Hey Peillette 

Welcome a board i agree with everyone. One Thing do;

Not sure waiting for your kid to enter college is right. If your using that as safe net or a way not to be honest with your kid...that ALWAYS backfires..

Maybe a fam TG therapist might be a good idea.

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

[Vanessa Michelle]

@Piellettethank you so much for sharing your story and welcome to the group!! I can identify with a ton of your story and I know many of us can. I am turning 46 in ten days and still have not come out or started transition. For me it is not the right time. I know you will find this a safe and loving place to share your journey and make friends who understand what you are going through and can love you through the process. ❤️

[Piellette]

Thank you everyone for the nice words good advices.

 

The waiting is not to hide from the kids.  I know that once I come out to the family our marriage will be over, I was just reminded of that last night! My wife and I unofficially agreed to stay together until the kids are out.  I agreed to stay in the closet until then.  Our kids are pretty liberal so I don't think it will be an issue for them.  The real issue is my wife, she will not accept me for what I am, she refuses to even let me explain what my problem is, she's totally narrow minded and refuses to learn anything about what gender dysphoria really means and how hard it is for people like us to live with it.  She blames me for not telling her about it before we got married, which she said had she known she would not have married me.  In a way she's right, I should have told her but I didn't know better!  It's now been 23 years and I'll do my best to wait another few years.