Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My spouse, partner, significant other, mixed signals about supporting me


Recommended Posts


    My ex was like that too but, when she went off, it was more like an explosion. Hardly any way to mend the broken pieces of my heart because the person that needed to do that didn't want to. I lived like that for fourteen years. I can't tell you how many times I wished she would have finished me off, rather than just leaving my heart broken and suffering the insecurities of what I did or didn't do right. It took so long to find some reason to want to be happier, to live better. Once I knew what that was, I knew she wouldn't be there with me. I miss the few good times we had but, those fleeting moments became scarce and felt more forced than genuine. I tried my best, gave it my all. In the end I realized I was blaming myself for something that was never about me or my actions. I had to face some hard truths and unfortunately, face them alone.

    I have no miracle advice or inspiring words that will make it better. At least, not from my perspective. I can say one thing about people that is an absolute. We all change and grow at our own pace. While we can share some or all of this with a few special people, there are no guarantees about how long we'll get or willingly give. Cherish these moments but, don't ever lose sight of your feelings. They will be your best guide to a wonderful life.


Link to post
20 hours ago, Jani said:

Mindy your wife misunderstands how a good counselor works.  They are not there to validate or direct you to a decision.  The purpose is to provide clarity and guide a person to a choice that works for them in their situation.  A good counselor will try to open up a person to consider all the opportunities and not just focus on the path they walked in with.  If that was the case, why go?  The bottom line is there is no "convincing" going on.  We should arrive at our conclusion with an open mind and free will.


Unfortunately, my wife doesn't believe that. she thinks my therapist is the one who put being transgender in my head. My wife refuses to talk to me about any of it. just last night we watched the Family guy episode concerning the Emys the first part was peter trying to be trans like the Transparent series. I was sitting right next to my wife. I could just sense the distaste she had for Transgenders.

Almost shocked that she didn't say anything.


In one of our arguments my wife said. that I could have "my" money. I don't think she realizes that I am the one who pays all the bills. I know she knows that I pay the rent. As she takes it out of our account the first of very month. but I pay gas, electric, internet, phone, and TV, Oh and the motorcycle payment. Plus my own credit cards. She pays the truck payment, (I do insurance for all our vehicle plus my middle sons and the truck my youngest is buying from us) and her one credit card.


She has access to our checking account, it is a joint account. But She has her own which I have no access to. She could have a million in that account. I would never know.  Actually I am upset saying this but If she won the lottery, I believe that She wouldn't tell me and put it away. Where I can't get it.

Oh, She says she'll help me with the bills.


I will stop for mow the water works are affecting my vision.



Link to post
4 hours ago, Abi said:

We all change and grow at our own pace. While we can share some or all of this with a few special people, there are no guarantees about how long we'll get or willingly give. Cherish these moments but, don't ever lose sight of your feelings. They will be your best guide to a wonderful life.

@Abi this reminds me of a quote that I use to use all the time in debate, that planting an idea today and revisiting the idea repeatedly over time would ease the disagreement.


"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains it's original dimensions." -Oliver Wendell Holmes


I really loved this quote until I researched the context. Holmes was trying to convince others to embrace eugenics and forced sterilizations in early 20th century. As for my relationship and communications with Suzie, she has always been quiet on subjects until it caused an explosive response from her. She was a door slammer, or object throwing angry person. What really use to piss her off was when I would say; "Okay you're right" without debate or defense of my position. When her way or idea didn't pan out, I would simply say we have options and can recover from this. Another key event that stopped her from throwing things at me was a Shaolin Monk like move to dodge one of her favorite ceramic cherubs that shattered against the wall.


Today we went out to a restaurant for lunch, and she admitted that talking to her sister did ease her emotional stress, and she feels better today. We can only hope that her sister honors the request of secrecy.


"Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first." -Frederick Wilcox


@KymmieLThank you for the support, I'm hopeful that my Suzie is understanding and gives me time to earn back her trust. She says she loves me, and needs more time to see where we go in our relationship.






Link to post
4 hours ago, Mmindy said:

 She says she loves me, and needs more time to see where we go in our relationship.





Mindy, this is a good sign. It takes time and she has to transition as well. Jani is right when she said " The solution will not be one sided as both of you will have to give somewhat." If Suzie sees that she might come around.


My wife started going back and thinking about everything that happened in our marriage, wondering what parts of it were a lie. We had a lot of those 0 to 212 degree spells along with relevant discussions.

It has got much better, but I cried a lot during some of that.




Link to post
6 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She says she loves me,






Mine does too. She'll hug me and say I love you even though I don't understand. I thought that was fine until I learned she doesn't want to understand.


I know once I move it will be hard on me since even with all the BS I still love her dearly.


Link to post

Hi everyone 


I'm seeing a lot of consistency in the responses here.  Time, zero to the pot boiling over. Kind of the same we have felt.  

Some wives figure out before we do.  Some come around slowly and some never come around.  In my case my wife says she’ll never fully accept me as a woman. But she is doing her best to let me be who I need to be.  Based on where we are at in our life together, I believe we will make our vow to be together til death do us part.  Then I don’t believe either of us will even look for another mate. 

so go slow, be patient and communicate, communicate and communicate.  I never was any good as a communicator.  I do a whole lot better now.



Link to post
3 hours ago, Willow said:

so go slow, be patient and communicate, communicate and communicate.  I never was any good as a communicator.  I do a whole lot better now.

My partner and I are constantly working on our communication. It's so easy to get stuck in our own minds, and get to thinking that we can read each other's thoughts and feelings. Like you, I'm better at it now than I used to be, but I know I need to keep improving my openness to share with my partner. Especially because my tendency is to withdraw when I'm feeling hurt or sad. Classic behavior for INFJ personality types like me, apparently.


Willow, I'm sorry to hear that your wife has already decided that she will not accept you as a woman - but I'm glad that the commitment to the marriage remains strong. Hoping your surgery recovery continues to go well!


@Mmindy I'm so glad to hear that there's been some positive movement the over the last day or two with your wife's feelings, and I hope that positivity continues to blossom into the future!




Link to post

Thank you everyone, your support and insight are valued so much. Suzie and I had a good afternoon talking about her retirement, our income, and insurance. We discussed, and built our 2021 income/bill payment spreadsheet with good conversation about us and going slow with any changes. Personal, Relationship, or Home Remodeling.





Link to post
18 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Suzie and I had a good afternoon talking about her retirement, our income, and insurance.

That's great news, Mindy!  I know with my wife its not just transition issues, but this time in our lives brings so many changes.  It can be overwhelming for all of us and specially couples.  Going over future planning eases at least that unknown (I've done similar with my wife discussing future finances and that we are "OK".  It helps)

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 74 Guests (See full list)

    • Susan R
    • Jackie C.
    • MaryEllen
    • Stefi
    • Lexi C
    • Tori M
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. wishing to be kim
      wishing to be kim
      (61 years old)
  • Posts

    • Jackie C.
      Not impossible, but it takes a LOT of work to build man-legs without T. For example, I can press 11 plates (that's 990 pounds plus another 110 for the carriage) and my legs still look girly. It'll take a lot of calf and leg work to thicken them up without T.   Hugs!
    • AwesomeClaire
      Well, she probably won't be supportive then or use your name/pronouns, unfortunately. That's a tough one. You have to think about the possibility/eventuality tho that she will find out. How would you want her to find out?
    • AwesomeClaire
      Ok, have you tried strength training? For example, exercising regularly and including weightlifting, to reduce body fat and increase muscle mass?
    • Bri2020
      I have butt envy Liz I'm in casual mode around the house today and repping my Dolphins. (and I have no butt to show. lol)  
    • Kakileli
      I know that my sister is INCREDIBLY homophobic, so I assume she is transphobic too. Not much else. I don’t live with her btw 
    • Chiefsrule58
      Shame and fear of how others would react and not wanting to disappoint my parents.  Growing up from the time I started kindergarten to when I graduated I was always subject to violence and bullying.  My parents knew of the bullying as well as the  teachers and principles. My mother just kept telling me that if I didn't just act the way I did the other kids would leave me be. My father took a different stance, he thought I should learn to stand up for myself so his approach was either you fight back or I will beat you myself.   It took me a very long time for me to change my believes about myself.  Overtime I got really good at hiding and avoiding others primarily for my own safety. In high school I had the opportunity to join NJROTC which I did because I did not want to deal with the gym locker room.        I enjoyed the experience but still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. My Junior year of high school I took a severe beating by a group of guys so I convinced my mom to let me sign up for the Navy and told the recruiter I wanted to go to Navy boot camp ASAP so I left three days after I graduated high school the next year.        I struggled in my first couple of years in the Navy.  I got better at fitting in and I made friends with a female Sailor and we started hanging out all the time eventually she introduced to me wife. The dysphoria got worse after I married and eventually I came out to her a couple years into our marriage. Eventually our marriage came apart a divorce was eminent then by the grace of God things changed  and we worked things out. At that point I was choosing the Navy; a job that I loved and was good at over authenticity, I had convinced myself that I could tolerate and live with the dysphoria. At this point my wife and I had endured four more deployments and the birth and death of our daughter.      By 2015 we had two more children  both had been diagnosed with ASD.  It was at that point that it just became extremely difficult for me to function and deal with everything on top of the dysphoria. My wife encouraged me and made arrangements for me to see a therapist, so I did and started to attend group as well.  Meeting other transgender people for the first time really changed my life because it gave me hope.       I was at 18 years in the Navy at that point and was very torn on what I wanted to do. I choose to stay Navy and endure.  I kept going to group and therapy when i could and  once the DOD changed the policy I started taking HRT.  Things never really worked out with coming out in the Navy or with medical just to many road blocks. I enjoyed being a Navy Chief so I continued on in my career.  The thing that caused me to move beyond the state of limbo was the two suicide attempts, barley surviving the second one. I held things together after that because I was so grateful just to be alive.        I retired from the Navy in 2020 and things didn't get better so I reached out to the VA for help.  They have been very helpful with the transition out of the Navy.  Along the way I stopped fighting with myself and made the decision to transition and start living full time.  For me it has made all the difference in my life.            Jamie
    • Kakileli
      Kind of. I always feel like my legs are the wrong shape, they look too feminine, they stop me from passing, they make me look like a girl, etc. Etc. 
    • Maddee
      Money.   And fear of making the wrong choices (which Drs, which types and order of procedures, etc)
    • KymmieL
      When I carry my purse. I usually just have my wallet, some makeup, my keys, and maybe some protection. That is about all I can fit in my purse.    
    • Linda Marie
      Out of the blue I get a call. I'm retired and have to go to a business meeting. Do not know what this about, all I know is I text back and told them, I'm wearing polka dots. They said please come as you are. LM♥️  
    • AwesomeClaire
      I was never an alpha male either.  A couple things stopped me from transitioning. Mostly fear and shame. Fear of what people would do to me when they found out, and shame of failing as a man and not living up to others' expectations. Also, I had started losing my hair at some point in my 20s and then I was just like "oh, this is it then, there is no way I can do this." So, another main thing holding me back was lack of knowledge. As far as I knew, "transsexuals" were these weird people that got their stuff removed. Nobody even knew one. I didn't even know about ftm. I didn't know about good wigs even or hormone therapy. It was just me all alone, trying to figure out how to look like a girl, failing at it, and then sadly giving up. I didn't have the words or ability to express what was going on with me. I just knew I wanted to look like a girl, and for a while I tried to make myself look like the very feminine male characters from some video games, especially Dynasty Warriors. I really started experimenting more after coming out to family and some close friends as bi, I tried on a dress and heels for the first time with some friends and just loved it. But then the dark thoughts and fear started crowding in again and I felt what I was doing was ridiculous and wrong, so I quit. It would resurface many times over the years, especially if I got drunk or there was another guy around that I liked. November 2019, a year after my divorce, is when I got a very strong urge to pursue this again - I decided to do it right, I did the research, learned quite a lot, and made the decision to be the real me.
    • AwesomeClaire
      I hadn't had a Facebook account in over a decade. But, my friends in my gaming group were using Facebook groups and I felt I was missing out. A few months into my transition I had decided on Claire, so I started up an FB account. Part of this was intentional. I spent a lot of time and energy talking to my closest friends, family, and coworkers about my transition, explaining why I was doing it, my history, etc. So, rather than surprise more people and have to explain a bunch of stuff, I just put myself out there on FB and let people react as they may. I got an overwhelming amount of support, and it just felt good to get it out of the way and have everyone know about it. 
    • Teri Anne
      You look fab in polka dots Linda Marie. You always look so put together.
    • Willow
      Trying this again, the worry is alway lack of acceptance but it’s never as bad as you imagine.  My wife was my worst and she has given her concerns to God.  We are doing a whole lot better.   Purses, I don’t carry all that in my purse, but I will say after carrying one, I don’t understand why the MURSE never caught on.  I wear glasses in case you hadn’t noticed so a glasses case with my prescription sun glasses, or vice versa, lipstick, hair brush, keys, phone, a compact, I try to carry tissues but use them and don’t think to replace them, a face mask, and my wallet.  It matches the purse.  My wife makes purses and matching wallets out of different materials.  The one I’ve been using is cork.  But she makes quilted, foleather, and others and she usually manages a matching wallet. Sometime my wife and I want the same one and have to share.  Ok, I give in to her most of the time but I have a couple she made specifically for me.
    • Niamh
      While I fully understand that some of us may wish to limit who we "come out" to, I was getting frustrated that I had to work out everytime I posted on facebook who knew what. So on 31 March (transgender day of visibility) I decided to post my transgender status to all those who I had not up to that point informed.  I had feared a bit of a backlash from some of the right-wing family members who were my fb friends, but in fact all the responses I had to my post were entirely positive. One of my fb friends obviously decided to unfriend me (I had made a note of how many fb friends I had before the post), but as I've been unable to work out who that person was - it's clearly no big deal.  But the big plus is that I now know that I don't have to tiptoe around what I post in FB. I have maintained two separate FB identities as I am genderfluid, and I'll post appropriate updates in my male and female FB pages accordingly. I did however invite my male FB friends to "friend" Niamh if they wished and a significant number did.   So I fully understand your desire to not have to hide your identity from anyone - it lifts a big weight from your shoulders and I hope that going forward that your family accept how you are even if they are not supportive.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...