My spouse, partner, significant other, mixed signals about supporting me

[Abi]

@Mmindy,    

    My ex was like that too but, when she went off, it was more like an explosion. Hardly any way to mend the broken pieces of my heart because the person that needed to do that didn't want to. I lived like that for fourteen years. I can't tell you how many times I wished she would have finished me off, rather than just leaving my heart broken and suffering the insecurities of what I did or didn't do right. It took so long to find some reason to want to be happier, to live better. Once I knew what that was, I knew she wouldn't be there with me. I miss the few good times we had but, those fleeting moments became scarce and felt more forced than genuine. I tried my best, gave it my all. In the end I realized I was blaming myself for something that was never about me or my actions. I had to face some hard truths and unfortunately, face them alone.

    I have no miracle advice or inspiring words that will make it better. At least, not from my perspective. I can say one thing about people that is an absolute. We all change and grow at our own pace. While we can share some or all of this with a few special people, there are no guarantees about how long we'll get or willingly give. Cherish these moments but, don't ever lose sight of your feelings. They will be your best guide to a wonderful life.

     

[KymmieL]

20 hours ago, Jani said:

Mindy your wife misunderstands how a good counselor works.  They are not there to validate or direct you to a decision.  The purpose is to provide clarity and guide a person to a choice that works for them in their situation.  A good counselor will try to open up a person to consider all the opportunities and not just focus on the path they walked in with.  If that was the case, why go?  The bottom line is there is no "convincing" going on.  We should arrive at our conclusion with an open mind and free will.

Jani   

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't believe that. she thinks my therapist is the one who put being transgender in my head. My wife refuses to talk to me about any of it. just last night we watched the Family guy episode concerning the Emys the first part was peter trying to be trans like the Transparent series. I was sitting right next to my wife. I could just sense the distaste she had for Transgenders.

Almost shocked that she didn't say anything.

 

In one of our arguments my wife said. that I could have "my" money. I don't think she realizes that I am the one who pays all the bills. I know she knows that I pay the rent. As she takes it out of our account the first of very month. but I pay gas, electric, internet, phone, and TV, Oh and the motorcycle payment. Plus my own credit cards. She pays the truck payment, (I do insurance for all our vehicle plus my middle sons and the truck my youngest is buying from us) and her one credit card.

 

She has access to our checking account, it is a joint account. But She has her own which I have no access to. She could have a million in that account. I would never know.  Actually I am upset saying this but If she won the lottery, I believe that She wouldn't tell me and put it away. Where I can't get it.

Oh, She says she'll help me with the bills.

 

I will stop for mow the water works are affecting my vision.

 

Kymmie

[Mmindy]

4 hours ago, Abi said:

We all change and grow at our own pace. While we can share some or all of this with a few special people, there are no guarantees about how long we'll get or willingly give. Cherish these moments but, don't ever lose sight of your feelings. They will be your best guide to a wonderful life.

@Abi this reminds me of a quote that I use to use all the time in debate, that planting an idea today and revisiting the idea repeatedly over time would ease the disagreement.

 

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains it's original dimensions." -Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

I really loved this quote until I researched the context. Holmes was trying to convince others to embrace eugenics and forced sterilizations in early 20th century. As for my relationship and communications with Suzie, she has always been quiet on subjects until it caused an explosive response from her. She was a door slammer, or object throwing angry person. What really use to piss her off was when I would say; "Okay you're right" without debate or defense of my position. When her way or idea didn't pan out, I would simply say we have options and can recover from this. Another key event that stopped her from throwing things at me was a Shaolin Monk like move to dodge one of her favorite ceramic cherubs that shattered against the wall.

 

Today we went out to a restaurant for lunch, and she admitted that talking to her sister did ease her emotional stress, and she feels better today. We can only hope that her sister honors the request of secrecy.

 

"Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first." -Frederick Wilcox

 

@KymmieLThank you for the support, I'm hopeful that my Suzie is understanding and gives me time to earn back her trust. She says she loves me, and needs more time to see where we go in our relationship.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

 

[Confused1]

4 hours ago, Mmindy said:

 She says she loves me, and needs more time to see where we go in our relationship.

 

 

 

 

Mindy, this is a good sign. It takes time and she has to transition as well. Jani is right when she said " The solution will not be one sided as both of you will have to give somewhat." If Suzie sees that she might come around.

 

My wife started going back and thinking about everything that happened in our marriage, wondering what parts of it were a lie. We had a lot of those 0 to 212 degree spells along with relevant discussions.

It has got much better, but I cried a lot during some of that.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[KymmieL]

6 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She says she loves me,

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

 

Mine does too. She'll hug me and say I love you even though I don't understand. I thought that was fine until I learned she doesn't want to understand.

 

I know once I move it will be hard on me since even with all the BS I still love her dearly.

Kymmie

[Willow]

Hi everyone 

 

I'm seeing a lot of consistency in the responses here.  Time, zero to the pot boiling over. Kind of the same we have felt.  
 

Some wives figure out before we do.  Some come around slowly and some never come around.  In my case my wife says she’ll never fully accept me as a woman. But she is doing her best to let me be who I need to be.  Based on where we are at in our life together, I believe we will make our vow to be together til death do us part.  Then I don’t believe either of us will even look for another mate. 
 

so go slow, be patient and communicate, communicate and communicate.  I never was any good as a communicator.  I do a whole lot better now.

 

Willow

[Audrey]

3 hours ago, Willow said:

so go slow, be patient and communicate, communicate and communicate.  I never was any good as a communicator.  I do a whole lot better now.

My partner and I are constantly working on our communication. It's so easy to get stuck in our own minds, and get to thinking that we can read each other's thoughts and feelings. Like you, I'm better at it now than I used to be, but I know I need to keep improving my openness to share with my partner. Especially because my tendency is to withdraw when I'm feeling hurt or sad. Classic behavior for INFJ personality types like me, apparently.

 

Willow, I'm sorry to hear that your wife has already decided that she will not accept you as a woman - but I'm glad that the commitment to the marriage remains strong. Hoping your surgery recovery continues to go well!

 

@Mmindy I'm so glad to hear that there's been some positive movement the over the last day or two with your wife's feelings, and I hope that positivity continues to blossom into the future!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Mmindy]

Thank you everyone, your support and insight are valued so much. Suzie and I had a good afternoon talking about her retirement, our income, and insurance. We discussed, and built our 2021 income/bill payment spreadsheet with good conversation about us and going slow with any changes. Personal, Relationship, or Home Remodeling.

 

Hugs, 

 

Mindy???

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Suzie and I had a good afternoon talking about her retirement, our income, and insurance.

That's great news, Mindy!  I know with my wife its not just transition issues, but this time in our lives brings so many changes.  It can be overwhelming for all of us and specially couples.  Going over future planning eases at least that unknown (I've done similar with my wife discussing future finances and that we are "OK".  It helps)