Hello and an introduction

[HaraSurya]

I supposed this is the best place as any to introduce myself to the forum and get my feet wet.

 

My name is Colin and I'm questioning my gender identity. I was born male and still identify as male in many ways, but sometimes I feel I equally, if not more so, identify as female.

 

Thinking on my life I've always been closer to my mother and sister than father and brother. My sister and I are close in age and we'd play Barbie dolls together, as well as G.I. Joe. As I got older I started playing tabletop roleplaying games and more often than not played a female character. When I was in high school we had M*A*S*H Day during Spirit Week and while most people in dressed in scrubs or military fatigues I wore one of my mother's dressed as Corporal Klinger and didn't feel self conscious at all. I actually recall feeling proud of myself for having done it. (Supposedly, there was a teacher who bet $10 to the student would did that, but I never saw the money.)

 

When online gaming became a thing I can't recall ever making a male character in games like Everquest and World of Warcraft. In the mid-2000s I got into the game Second Life playing a character named Hara Surya and soon developed a backstory and life for the character that paralleled, but didn't replicate, my own. Eventually, I got into the hobby of 3D figure art with Poser and DazStudio and Hara Surya became a frequent character I'd render and her backstory developed further. On sites like DeviantArt I present the renders of Hara Surya as "myself." I ended up writing fiction based on that character and realized, quite recently, that I probably identified as my female counterpart more strongly than my actual, male presenting, self and it got me thinking that perhaps I should actually figure out exactly what my gender identity was and came here for support.

 

I've gotten to the point in my life where I simply find it tiresome presenting masculine and feel like I'm putting on a show for the sake of others rather than being myself. I find myself extremely curious about the experience of being a woman and the biological and psychological difference compared to men. I also just plain find certain types of women's clothes more fashionable than men's. I've also figured out that a lot of my attraction to celebrity women is often a desire to look like them, as opposed to a sexual attraction. (Well, maybe fifty-fifty there.) I've sometimes identified as a "lesbian in a man's body", but I'm seriously considering changing the latter half of that phrase. It affects my media consumption to the point that my Amazon advertising profile already thinks I'm a woman. (It might be the dozens of lesbian romance novels and women's interest videos on Prime.)

 

For what it's worth, most of the time I present as a cis male with facial hair who wears traditionally masculine clothes. The fictional "Hara Surya/Sarra Evans" persona has recently changed to presenting more feminine, which might be connected to my own desire to change.

 

This is a photograph of myself taken a few months ago.

 

This is the fictional Hara Surya/Sarra Evans that I present nearly everywhere online.

[Vanessa Michelle]

@HaraSuryaWelcome!!! Thanks for joining us!! I feel ya, I once upon a time joked I was a "lesbian in a man's body" and now in my mid 40's would say I am a woman in a man's body who's attracted to all (pan). Funny how we have more clarity once we accept ourselves for who we truly are! Bigender is also a thing, if you feel you are both. I always keep that on the table for myself too . Thanks for sharing your story! I look forward to your posts and getting to know you more!!

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, HaraSurya said:

My name is Colin and I'm questioning my gender identity.

Hi Colin, Nice to meet you and nice to have you onboard here on our forum. You’ve already come a long way in being open to the idea that you may be much more than what meets the eye. It took me 56 years to finally figure out who I was and at least a year to finally accept what I learned. When I look back at my search for the truth of who I was...I remember it as a very exciting time. You have found a safe place to explore yourself, ask questions, compare notes with others like youself, and hopefully, in time, come to some conclusion about who you are. Look around the site and join in the conversation when you feel the need. We are here to help you any way we can!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @HaraSurya! Pleasure to meet you!

 

Lots of similarities in our stories. Also, always fun to meet another gamer. You look a little familiar. Maybe we bumped into each other at a con?

 

Either way, welcome to TransGenderPulse! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Audrey]

Welcome @HaraSurya, it's nice to meet you and I'm happy you've joined us here on the forums. Thank you for sharing some of your story in your introduction. As other commenters have shared, there are many relatable and common threads to my own life. In particular, this...

7 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

I find myself extremely curious about the experience of being a woman and the biological and psychological difference compared to men. I also just plain find certain types of women's clothes more fashionable than men's. I've also figured out that a lot of my attraction to celebrity women is often a desire to look like them, as opposed to a sexual attraction.

For many years, I have struggled with the idea whether my feelings where lust, or envy. Certain outside influences led me to consider them all just manifestations of lust, and by extension they were a sort of perversion that I needed to hide and reject. The thing was, though, the feelings never faded away or changed. I knew about the whole idea of being transgender but the power of those negative thoughts kept me in the shadows for decades. After years of struggling with gender dysphoria and nearly self-destructing, I understand better now and accept myself as a binary transgender woman who's now transitioning to living her best life.

 

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you around and getting to know you. I'm hopeful you'll find the space here warm and supportive to you while you explore your gender identity and expression.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Drayse]

8 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

When online gaming became a thing I can't recall ever making a male character in games

I can't recall the number of female characters I've rolled playing online games. Even in ones where I did role male characters, most of my mains were female. I'm new here myself but welcome HaraSurya.

[KayC]

Hi Colin!  nice to meet you and Welcome!
 

9 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

I've gotten to the point in my life where I simply find it tiresome presenting masculine and feel like I'm putting on a show for the sake of others rather than being myself.

I have some similar childhood experiences about being more comfortable being around the female members of my family, enjoying both Barbie dolls AND GI Joe!  And also spending most of my life concerned about having to always present as cis-male but never feeling truly comfortable in that role.
I can tell you that many of the feelings you express are so common among many Members of this Forum (and myself) specially at the beginning of our "journey" .. but it doesn't mean you have to lock yourself into any one role or a set "destination" .. and often that is a moving target anyway and just as much a part of the trip.

Being on this Forum, being able to share in everybody's experience, AND THEN finally getting into gender therapy have been the most helpful for me.  If you haven't already considered or started therapy then you might want to give that some thought.

In the meantime, enjoy your experience here, and Thank You for joining us and sharing your Life with us

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[DeeDee]

Hi @HaraSurya pleased to meet you.   How we present and how we feel do not tend to match up very well or most of us would not find our way to sites like these. That is not a bad thing, simply that we have to stop and look at our feelings and experiences and ask ourselves what is real. If you feel like you are simply putting on a show as the masculine you then the best thing is to try to find out what doesnt feel like pretend. Up until a couple of years ago I always had my solo game female persona and my male online persona, D&D I always picked female characters for one shots but never understood why.  All these little clues can add up, good luck with your search for answers.

[Mx.Drago]

Hey there and welcome! @HaraSurya

The glossary for different gender terms and labels out now is ever expansive and fascinating to read up. But despite labels we all try to live as comfortably as possible with what we have and always work towards improvements and progress. Loved watching M*A*S*H, was hard to watch some episodes, it would get super depressing. Klinger was the sanest character of that crew and my favorite character. Was never a GI Joe or Barbie fan prefer my stuffed animals, but definitely loved LEGOs and small miniature models, especially my animals, dinosaurs, hotwheels and trains. I'm a bigender pansexual. But a good number of times online I would pick male avatars over female, cuz still a dandy pretty boy at heart. Swallowing so much stereotypical girl stuff in my youth was practically torture but I don't mind being female entirely, just find it very restrictive due to being brought up in a perverted misogynistic society. But we strive for a better more inclusive future and do what we can to be at peace with at least ourselves.

[HaraSurya]

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Salutations @HaraSurya! Pleasure to meet you!

 

Lots of similarities in our stories. Also, always fun to meet another gamer. You look a little familiar. Maybe we bumped into each other at a con?

 

Either way, welcome to TransGenderPulse! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

Unless you've been down to a few cons in Louisville, Kentucky a few years ago probably not unless you're also into Furries. I went to MidWest FurFest in 2004. I had kind of a weird, crazy experience there meeting someone in Chicago at the con who actually lived the next street over in the suburban Indiana neighborhood I was living in at the time.

5 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

Hey there and welcome! @HaraSurya

The glossary for different gender terms and labels out now is ever expansive and fascinating to read up. But despite labels we all try to live as comfortably as possible with what we have and always work towards improvements and progress. Loved watching M*A*S*H, was hard to watch some episodes, it would get super depressing. Klinger was the sanest character of that crew and my favorite character. Was never a GI Joe or Barbie fan prefer my stuffed animals, but definitely loved LEGOs and small miniature models, especially my animals, dinosaurs, hotwheels and trains. I'm a bigender pansexual. But a good number of times online I would pick male avatars over female, cuz still a dandy pretty boy at heart. Swallowing so much stereotypical girl stuff in my youth was practically torture but I don't mind being female entirely, just find it very restrictive due to being brought up in a perverted misogynistic society. But we strive for a better more inclusive future and do what we can to be at peace with at least ourselves.

I never had GI Joe toys, my parents didn't like war toys, but they'd let my sister and I roleplay with sticks for guns. I had an pleather stuffed ET doll that I took everywhere until it fell apart, as well as a Snoopy doll that I went through 3 or 4 copies of because it kept getting so dirty. I loved Legos and building plastic model airplanes and helicopters. (I realized as an adult how often I got high on the Testor's model glue simply while assembling the model kits.)

[Mx.Drago]

1 hour ago, HaraSurya said:

I never had GI Joe toys, my parents didn't like war toys, but they'd let my sister and I roleplay with sticks for guns. I had an pleather stuffed ET doll that I took everywhere until it fell apart, as well as a Snoopy doll that I went through 3 or 4 copies of because it kept getting so dirty. I loved Legos and building plastic model airplanes and helicopters. (I realized as an adult how often I got high on the Testor's model glue simply while assembling the model kits.)

Old Testor products were some pretty toxic stuff. Can remember my dad yelling at me to get away and to not touch or use ever. Now I just have all my own model building stuff now and a lot of the formulas were changed to make it less of a hazard. Still you need ventilation send you spinning to the stratosphere.

[HaraSurya]

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

Old Testor products were some pretty toxic stuff. Can remember my dad yelling at me to get away and to not touch or use ever. Now I just have all my own model building stuff now and a lot of the formulas were changed to make it less of a hazard. Still you need ventilation send you spinning to the stratosphere.

Sometimes when I'm around industrial chemicals I feel like Lt Col. Kilgore from Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of toluene in the morning! It smells like... *takes a deep breath* victory...

Yes, that stuff was crazy toxic, but the lemon-scent non-toxic stuff just didn't work. One of the few times I built a civilian vehicle (a Peterbilt 359 wrecker) I couldn't get the cab to stick to the chassis because the glue was so useless.

Sometimes I miss building model kits. I liked building military aircraft and there's some newer planes I think it would be cool to assemble. Then I realize how terrible I was at it, how expensive it is to actually do it well, and sit down with my ungodly expensive computer with a top-end HOTAS setup, fire up DCS World and fly the planes in VR. (Which is what I wanted to do when I was little.)

[Mx.Drago]

2 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

Sometimes when I'm around industrial chemicals I feel like Lt Col. Kilgore from Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of toluene in the morning! It smells like... *takes a deep breath* victory...

Yes, that stuff was crazy toxic, but the lemon-scent non-toxic stuff just didn't work. One of the few times I built a civilian vehicle (a Peterbilt 359 wrecker) I couldn't get the cab to stick to the chassis because the glue was so useless.

Sometimes I miss building model kits. I liked building military aircraft and there's some newer planes I think it would be cool to assemble. Then I realize how terrible I was at it, how expensive it is to actually do it well, and sit down with my ungodly expensive computer with a top-end HOTAS setup, fire up DCS World and fly the planes in VR. (Which is what I wanted to do when I was little.)

Building models can get very expensive.

My dad liked building his lead Navy ships as well as Babylon 5 and Star Trek spaceships. So it was probably better I didn't touch them. Reason I stick with plastic models and other less metal models. I do have some metal boardgame figures from Descent and Pathfinder I should put together but a mixture of reasons keeps me putting it off plus have no storage space prepared for the process. 

Some glue now be too weak to hold paper together or take forever to dry. Found shoe repair glue and industrial glue helpful where sometimes specific plastic glues and super glues don't hold. There be so many different types of glue now but realized I needed to wash down the figures good if they're plastic, damn releasing agents. A soft toothbrush and warm water soap bath made all the difference.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Hara Surya.  Thanks for sharing your story with us.  I look forward to reading your future contributions to our forums.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Sarahtoraven]

Welcome aboard Colin! BTW, that is a great looking Thor's hammer that you wore on your guy pic. I own a couple of those too!

 

Hugs,

 

Raven

[HaraSurya]

11 hours ago, Sarahtoraven said:

Welcome aboard Colin! BTW, that is a great looking Thor's hammer that you wore on your guy pic. I own a couple of those too!

 

Hugs,

 

Raven

Thanks, I got it on a website called Wodensdagh, but I think it closed years ago. Since the photo the leather cord broke and I made a new one with wooden beads around the hammer. I get a lot of compliments on it.

 

12 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

Building models can get very expensive.

My dad liked building his lead Navy ships as well as Babylon 5 and Star Trek spaceships. So it was probably better I didn't touch them. Reason I stick with plastic models and other less metal models. I do have some metal boardgame figures from Descent and Pathfinder I should put together but a mixture of reasons keeps me putting it off plus have no storage space prepared for the process. 

Some glue now be too weak to hold paper together or take forever to dry. Found shoe repair glue and industrial glue helpful where sometimes specific plastic glues and super glues don't hold. There be so many different types of glue now but realized I needed to wash down the figures good if they're plastic, damn releasing agents. A soft toothbrush and warm water soap bath made all the difference.

 

By Pathfinder do you mean the tabletop roleplaying game? I'm not a fan of the board game angle so many RPGs took in the 2000s and early 2010s (that's what killed D&D 4Ed), but I've played them for decades. Changeling: The Lost has a lot of elements that are relevant to discussions here.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi HaraSurya,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf

[Charlize]

Hi HaraSurya.

    I doubt i would have been brave enough to play the role of Klinger.  He seemed to be such a focus of laughter and i was too afraid of having my issues seen by others.  At that point i didn't even understand what i was feeling (not that i really understand now).  I simply knew that it was unacceptable to express anything but a  hyper male identity.  

   I'm glad you have joined us here where you can be honest without judgement amongst folks who understand.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

6 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

Changeling: The Lost has a lot of elements that are relevant to discussions here.

 

Never played a lot of that. I own a copy, but my group didn't really gel with White Wolf rules. Except maybe Street Fighter. White Wolf writes (or at least wrote, I haven't checked out their products in years) pretty good flavor text.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

8 hours ago, HaraSurya said:

By Pathfinder do you mean the tabletop roleplaying game? I'm not a fan of the board game angle so many RPGs took in the 2000s and early 2010s (that's what killed D&D 4Ed), but I've played them for decades. Changeling: The Lost has a lot of elements that are relevant to discussions here.

I use to play D&D 3.5ed and just got the Pathfinder figures just looked cool. I didn't like D&D 4ed. Love painting the new bones miniatures, did the Kickstarter and got a bunch of them cuz no basecoat needed. Did tons of White Wolf LARP including the older versions in college. Sadly the pandemic killed my physical gaming habits, use to go camping for free as an NPC for this one game held on a couple of different sites. Wanted to try the ones out in New Jersey, but will have to wait. Might just go once as a plague doctor character then run off into the woods to hide from people.

[Shay]

I missed welcoming you but I see you're thoroughly integrated and that's great. Welcome.

[HaraSurya]

I've been reading My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein and I'm beginning to think the best way to describe how I feel about myself is "the butch lesbian aunt who happens to have a penis." I've decided to stop making decisions about what I wear and buy based on gender assumptions.

 

I've also been experimenting with small, secret (or at least innocuous) changes like shaving my beard, body, legs, armpits and arms and I started buying feminine antiperspirant. (Which I've always thought smells better.) When my current bottles of body wash and shampoo run out I'll probably buy from the more generic scent section as opposed to "Dial for Men."

 

I also ordered (and am currently wearing in public under two shirts) a brassiere that fits my "man-boobs." I had chest tubes as an infant and mild cerebral palsy in my pectorals, so I've always had "man-boobs" even when I was skinny.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, HaraSurya said:

(Which I've always thought smells better.)

 

Well obviously. Women's deodorant has scents. The stuff for guys comes labeled with things like, "Dominance!" and "Success!" They smelled chemical to me before I started HRT. Now they're just nasty. I'll stick with my lavender and vanilla, thanks.

 

Hugs!

[HaraSurya]

I've read some of the books people have mentioned and simply had some soul searching, but I'm increasingly seeing myself as either "merely" having a desire to cross dress or that I identify as a butch lesbian woman. (The therapist meeting is on Monday, but obviously will be ongoing.)

 

Honestly, I'm kind of OK with this. The female persona I've had for years spent most of her life presenting androgynous and that's how I identify on my femme side. A lot of women I've looked up to in this transition have been butch lesbians so I don't see it as a huge leap.

 

I have a huge supporter who is an ex-girlfriend who is now MtF trans and who is so supportive that her current girlfriend is going to send me a big makeup "care package."

 

I've come out to my best friend and his ex-wife, who are my roommates. Both weren't surprised and his reply was to make Seinfeld jokes. I came out to my ex-wife who told me "whatever makes you happy." I'm waiting for more therapist meetings and a better understanding of myself before I come out to my family. I think they'd be supportive if I decide I'm trans, but I'd rather wait until I'm more comfortable with myself. (I told my mother I was reading "Your Gender Identity and You" which she didn't reply to, but that's not uncommon in our conversations.)

 

Honestly, I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my chest, metaphorically because a huge weight has been applied literally, and I'm excited to see where this all goes in the future.

[HaraSurya]

This is the look I'm targeting right now, which given that I based the 3D figure on a photograph of myself it's how I imagine I'll probably actually look.