Hi, I'm Drayse! ?

[Drayse]

I woke up this morning, had breakfast and then sipped my morning tea with a helping of cyproterone while I read all the wonderful introduction posts. As I read I wanted to read more of these amazing posts even though some seemed to trigger a mild sense of dysphoria, particularly the ones who transitioned, or are transitioning, at much younger ages. Jealousy? Perhaps I am a little envious. ?

 

AMAB early '70s to a working class couple. My earliest memory that I was different from the other boys was when I was caught trying on my mom's clothes and jewelry. It was innocent enough childhood play at the time, but it earned me a spanking and sermon about going to hell. It didn't end the cross dressing, but merely pushed it underground and coupled it with shame.

 

In high school I typically dressed fairly androgenously. Mostly because girl's clothing and unisex were forbidden in my household. In fact, unisex was "of the devil" according to the preachers at my parent's church. But when I went to university most of my clothes came from family gifts, as I rarely could afford my own at the time, and most of them were fairly masculine. This continued throughout my married life of 15 years to a woman I adored. There seemed to be a sense that I had to be rescued, though I think it was, in everyone's heads, from my terrible fashion choices.

 

In my early thirties I met a visibly trans person for the first time at my then workplace. I remember saying something transphobic to another coworker and the coworker I was sitting beside verbally spanked me for it. Realizing that he was correct I mumbled an apology and pondered why I felt simultaneously repulsed by and yet wanting what that young girl had. Which marked the battle of my long journey against my internalized transphobia.

 

When my then wife and I broke up I experienced the strongest case of dysphoria I had ever had. I tried to explain it to the counsellor that the local Family and Friends Resource Center (FFRC) provided, but not knowing of gender dysphoria I thought that perhaps I was depressed and confused. The counsellor's response was that I wasn't confused but that I needed to be strong for my kids. I found this weird because I was being strong, I never left my kids to fend for themselves when I had parenting time with them, but they did see me cry often in front of them.

 

Six years later I finally decided to do something about my recurring dysphoria and paid for the services of a professional psychologist who dealt with LGBT+ people, and it turned out to be the right decision. Finally, I'm on HRT and beginning my transition. I know who and what I am now. I've come out now to my immediate family, remaining parent, and siblings. More of friends are learning all the time as I tell them. Though I yet have to come out at work, a couple of my coworkers know.

 

Pleased to meet all of you. My name is Drayse and I am a bisexual transwoman among other things.

[Audrey]

Hi Drayse, it's nice to meet you and welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story in your introductory post. I'm hopeful that your family and friends have been accepting and supportive of you since you came out to them, though I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. I relate very much to your childhood experiences, where any cross-gender behavior I showed was expressly forbidden and I was promptly and severely punished for any and all of it. Of course, none of that did anything to quell my jealousy of women and girls, and it just compelled me to hide my gender dysphoria from everyone including myself. As you described, the internalized transphobia had a powerful grip on me too. It stayed with me long into adulthood even though I was becoming increasingly certain that I was transgender. I lived for years in secrecy, mired by a life of depression and anxiety, and a legacy of failed relationships including a broken engagement. It was only much more recently that I did what I knew needed to be done for years. And I've never been happier.

 

Hoping that the start of your transition journey has been a positive one. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and seeing you around on the forums!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[CD Rachel]

Hi Drayse and welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your story here. In retrospect of my own life I see now how my own trans phobia was just a form of denial of who I am inside. I still struggle daily with self acceptance but I have recently started seeing a gender therapist and am working out who I am and accepting that person.

 

The people here are great and you will find a lot of resources to help you here.

 

I am glad to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you as we travel down similar roads.

 

Rachel

[Drayse]

Hi @Audrey and thanks for the warm welcome.

 

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I'm hopeful that your family and friends have been accepting and supportive of you since you came out to them

Actually my family was surprisingly accepting. Not perfectly accepting, but much better and more positive than I had hoped given some of the comments a couple of them have made in the past. I think one's perspective changes when it's a family member you care about and not some abstract stranger who's often misrepresented as some crazy shrill person on social media.

I also have to say that my mom is not the same person she was when she paddled me for my childhood crossdressing so long ago. XD.
 

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I'm sorry to hear about your marriage

Again thank you. It had nothing to do, at least directly, with me being trans. There were other issues that affected our marriage and I've had to come to terms with them over the past several years. We share custody of our children, though they're getting to be, and one is, adults. My ex and I remain friends and she's one of the people I have to come out to yet that I've started transitioning. To reassure her that I'll continue my childhood support/marriage equity payments even after my official name change.

 

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Hoping that the start of your transition journey has been a positive one. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and seeing you around on the forums!

??

[Drayse]

Hi @CD Rachel, pleased to meet you.

There is a lot of material here and I know I'll be spending a lot of time reading and reviewing much of it.

 

1 hour ago, CD Rachel said:

I still struggle daily with self acceptance but I have recently started seeing a gender therapist and am working out who I am and accepting that person.

That's probably a lifelong process for all of us. I'm so glad that you're seeing a gender therapist, I know that I really like mine and I think paying for her services was one of the best decisions I've made. Prior to this I kept telling myself that I don't deserve to have the help of a therapist, but I can't help but think that was merely an avoidance mechanism of some sort. But that's just my unqualified opinion.

 

Cheers,

Drayse

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Drayse!

I'm glad your family and work environment have been positive influences. Still on the hush with my family and work, their level of backstab be far less than helpful. But there always be room for improvements and progress. May fortune favor you on your journey. 

 

[Drayse]

Hi @Mx.Drago
 

Thank you very much.

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

Still on the hush with my family

I found this was scarier than the prospect of coming out at work. With work all they can do is fire you, which may or may not be legal. But family is supposed to always be there for you, and some family members fail that particular test. I hope yours don't. ?

 

Currently I'm in contact with my employer's HR and I'm verifying a few things before I come out full time at work. Hoping that things go well for you when you come out at work too.

 

Cheers,

Drayse

[DeeDee]

Hi @Drayse pleased to meet you. As with anything in life you will get out what you put in, "lurking" and reading is a great way to read up on subjects that interest us, but sometimes it is so much quicker and easier to just ask and usually a few of the ladies will offer their perspectives and advice!

My dysphoria did not hit me until my 14 yr marriage ended just as I was approaching my 40th and I spent a while making sure it was not just me running away from my own emotional trauma (I had a lot, my ex not so much). Though I haven't told my ex or my early teen children yet, we are on good speaking terms and I will do it when the timing feels right. It is great that you found a therapist that you could work with.   

[Drayse]

Hi @DeeDee

 

Thank for the welcome. I'll certainly ask questions, as many as possible. ?Thanks for the encouragement. ?

 

Cheers,

Drayse

 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Drayse!

 

Not much to add, but as another early 70's baby... internalized transphobia, yup, yup. Been there. I have to say though, the devil your parents and their preacher went on about sounds like an interesting person. At least fashionable. I have another trans friend who grew up in... basically a cult. I mean literally, "patrolling the borders of the property on Halloween night looking for signs of demons." She grew up thinking that if you dressed up on Halloween, you'd be possessed. Her wife and I both thought that sounded like a good time. There might be something wrong with both of us.

 

In any case, welcome to Transgenderpulse! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Drayse]

Thanks so much for the welcome @Jackie C.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I have to say though, the devil your parents and their preacher went on about sounds like an interesting person.

 

Yeah, I'm sure if I'd taken tips from the devil I'd have had much better fashion sense. ?

 

Cheers,

Drayse

[Bri2020]

Welcome!  I'm late to the game here so don't have any advice not already given.  You will find a welcoming and supportive group here. See you around the forums.

Hugs

Bri

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Drayse!  I hope you find this place to your liking.  Please post wherever you like and ask all your questions.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hi @Drayseand welcome to the group!! I can understand many of your experiences myself. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm still working on coming out myself someday so you got the jump on me. It's great to meet you on here! ❤️

[Drayse]

Hi and thanks @Bri2020
 

Cheers,

Drayse

 

[Drayse]

5 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Please post wherever you like and ask all your questions.  We'll be here for you.

 

Hi @Carolyn Marie I appreciate that.

 

Cheers,

Dryase

[Drayse]

Hi @Vanessa Michelle,

 

5 hours ago, Vanessa Michelle said:

I'm still working on coming out myself someday

And I'm still not done! I've never been so impatient to get something done as this, but there are so many people I have to update and a mass mailing seems too impersonal. I'm sure you'll do it when you're ready to do it. No sooner, no later.

 

Cheers,

Drayse

[Lexi C]

Hey Drayse

Cool name. Welcome aboard. Great place to asking question, making friends and hopefully find answer . 

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Drayse,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Drayse]

Thanks @Lexi Cand @Timber Wolffor the nice welcomes.

[Susan R]

On 1/25/2021 at 2:50 AM, Drayse said:

Pleased to meet all of you. My name is Drayse and I am a bisexual transwoman among other things.

Hello @Drayse, It’s a pleasure to meet you. Apparently, I missed your intro from yesterday. Your story has so many similarities to mine. It never ceases to amaze me just how many here have traversed similar life paths. And after the years of struggle, it’s nice to meet here in this safe and friendly place. I look forward to reading more about you in the coming months if you feel the desire. Share as you like...there’s no judgement. We try to help, encourage, and offer friendship.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Betty K]

On 1/25/2021 at 8:50 PM, Drayse said:

I never left my kids to fend for themselves when I had parenting time with them, but they did see me cry often in front of them.

 

You sound like a great parent Drayse. I only have stepchildren (three boys), but I wish I'd cried more in front of them.