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Hi, I'm Drayse! ūüėä


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I woke up this morning, had breakfast and then sipped my morning tea with a helping of cyproterone while I read all the wonderful introduction posts. As I read I wanted to read more of these amazing posts even though some seemed to trigger a mild sense of dysphoria, particularly the ones who transitioned, or are transitioning, at much younger ages. Jealousy? Perhaps I am a little envious. ūüėä


AMAB early '70s to a working class couple. My earliest memory that I was different from the other boys was when I was caught trying on my mom's clothes and jewelry. It was innocent enough childhood play at the time, but it earned me a spanking and sermon about going to hell. It didn't end the cross dressing, but merely pushed it underground and coupled it with shame.


In high school I typically dressed fairly androgenously. Mostly because girl's clothing and unisex were forbidden in my household. In fact, unisex was "of the devil" according to the preachers at my parent's church. But when I went to university most of my clothes came from family gifts, as I rarely could afford my own at the time, and most of them were fairly masculine. This continued throughout my married life of 15 years to a woman I adored. There seemed to be a sense that I had to be rescued, though I think it was, in everyone's heads, from my terrible fashion choices.


In my early thirties I met a visibly trans person for the first time at my then workplace. I remember saying something transphobic to another coworker and the coworker I was sitting beside verbally spanked me for it. Realizing that he was correct I mumbled an apology and pondered why I felt simultaneously repulsed by and yet wanting what that young girl had. Which marked the battle of my long journey against my internalized transphobia.


When my then wife and I broke up I experienced the strongest case of dysphoria I had ever had. I tried to explain it to the counsellor that the local Family and Friends Resource Center (FFRC) provided, but not knowing of gender dysphoria I thought that perhaps I was depressed and confused. The counsellor's response was that I wasn't confused but that I needed to be strong for my kids. I found this weird because I was being strong, I never left my kids to fend for themselves when I had parenting time with them, but they did see me cry often in front of them.


Six years later I finally decided to do something about my recurring dysphoria and paid for the services of a professional psychologist who dealt with LGBT+ people, and it turned out to be the right decision. Finally, I'm on HRT and beginning my transition. I know who and what I am now. I've come out now to my immediate family, remaining parent, and siblings. More of friends are learning all the time as I tell them. Though I yet have to come out at work, a couple of my coworkers know.


Pleased to meet all of you. My name is Drayse and I am a bisexual transwoman among other things.

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Hi Drayse, it's nice to meet you and welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story in your introductory post. I'm hopeful that your family and friends have been accepting and supportive of you since you came out to them, though I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. I relate very much to your childhood experiences, where any cross-gender behavior I showed was expressly forbidden and I was promptly and severely punished for any and all of it. Of course, none of that did anything to quell my jealousy of women and girls, and it just compelled me to hide my gender dysphoria from everyone including myself. As you described, the internalized transphobia had a powerful grip on me too. It stayed with me long into adulthood even though I was becoming increasingly certain that I was transgender. I lived for years in secrecy, mired by a life of depression and anxiety, and a legacy of failed relationships including a broken engagement. It was only much more recently that I did what I knew needed to be done for years. And I've never been happier.


Hoping that the start of your transition journey has been a positive one. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and seeing you around on the forums!




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CD Rachel

Hi Drayse and welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your story here. In retrospect of my own life I see now how my own trans phobia was just a form of denial of who I am inside. I still struggle daily with self acceptance but I have recently started seeing a gender therapist and am working out who I am and accepting that person.


The people here are great and you will find a lot of resources to help you here.


I am glad to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you as we travel down similar roads.



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Hi @Audrey and thanks for the warm welcome.



I'm hopeful that your family and friends have been accepting and supportive of you since you came out to them

Actually my family was surprisingly accepting. Not perfectly accepting, but much better and more positive than I had hoped given some of the comments a couple of them have made in the past. I think one's perspective changes when it's a family member you care about and not some abstract stranger who's often misrepresented as some crazy shrill person on social media.

I also have to say that my mom is not the same person she was when she paddled me for my childhood crossdressing so long ago. XD.


I'm sorry to hear about your marriage

Again thank you. It had nothing to do, at least directly, with me being trans. There were other issues that affected our marriage and I've had to come to terms with them over the past several years. We share custody of our children, though they're getting to be, and one is, adults. My ex and I remain friends and she's one of the people I have to come out to yet that I've started transitioning. To reassure her that I'll continue my childhood support/marriage equity payments even after my official name change.



Hoping that the start of your transition journey has been a positive one. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and seeing you around on the forums!


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Hi @CD Rachel, pleased to meet you.

There is a lot of material here and I know I'll be spending a lot of time reading and reviewing much of it.


1 hour ago, CD Rachel said:

I still struggle daily with self acceptance but I have recently started seeing a gender therapist and am working out who I am and accepting that person.

That's probably a lifelong process for all of us. I'm so glad that you're seeing a gender therapist, I know that I really like mine and I think paying for her services was one of the best decisions I've made. Prior to this I kept telling myself that I don't deserve to have the help of a therapist, but I can't help but think that was merely an avoidance mechanism of some sort. But that's just my unqualified opinion. :)




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Hello and Welcome Drayse!

I'm glad your family and work environment have been positive influences. Still on the hush with my family and work, their level of backstab be far less than helpful. But there always be room for improvements and progress. May fortune favor you on your journey. 


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Hi @Mx.Drago

Thank you very much.

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

Still on the hush with my family

I found this was scarier than the prospect of coming out at work. With work all they can do is fire you, which may or may not be legal. But family is supposed to always be there for you, and some family members fail that particular test. I hope yours don't. ūü§ě


Currently I'm in contact with my employer's HR and I'm verifying a few things before I come out full time at work. Hoping that things go well for you when you come out at work too.




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Hi @Drayse pleased to meet you. As with anything in life you will get out what you put in, "lurking" and reading is a great way to read up on subjects that interest us, but sometimes it is so much quicker and easier to just ask and usually a few of the ladies will offer their perspectives and advice!

My dysphoria did not hit me until my 14 yr marriage ended just as I was approaching my 40th and I spent a while making sure it was not just me running away from my own emotional trauma (I had a lot, my ex not so much). Though I haven't told my ex or my early teen children yet, we are on good speaking terms and I will do it when the timing feels right. It is great that you found a therapist that you could work with.  :) 

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Hi @DeeDee


Thank for the welcome. I'll certainly ask questions, as many as possible. ūüėúThanks for the encouragement. ūüėä





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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Salutations @Drayse!


Not much to add, but as another early 70's baby... internalized transphobia, yup, yup. Been there. I have to say though, the devil your parents and their preacher went on about sounds like an interesting person. At least fashionable. I have another trans friend who grew up in... basically a cult. I mean literally, "patrolling the borders of the property on Halloween night looking for signs of demons." She grew up thinking that if you dressed up on Halloween, you'd be possessed. Her wife and I both thought that sounded like a good time. There might be something wrong with both of us.


In any case, welcome to Transgenderpulse! We're glad you're here!



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Thanks so much for the welcome @Jackie C.


1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I have to say though, the devil your parents and their preacher went on about sounds like an interesting person.


Yeah, I'm sure if I'd taken tips from the devil I'd have had much better fashion sense. ūüėā




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Welcome!  I'm late to the game here so don't have any advice not already given.  You will find a welcoming and supportive group here. See you around the forums.



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  • Admin
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Drayse!  I hope you find this place to your liking.  Please post wherever you like and ask all your questions.  We'll be here for you.




Carolyn Marie

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Vanessa Michelle

Hi @Drayseand welcome to the group!! I can understand many of your experiences myself. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm still working on coming out myself someday so you got the jump on me. It's great to meet you on here!¬†‚̧ԳŹ

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Hi and thanks @Bri2020




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5 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Please post wherever you like and ask all your questions.  We'll be here for you.


Hi @Carolyn Marie I appreciate that.




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Hi @Vanessa Michelle,


5 hours ago, Vanessa Michelle said:

I'm still working on coming out myself someday

And I'm still not done! I've never been so impatient to get something done as this, but there are so many people I have to update and a mass mailing seems too impersonal. I'm sure you'll do it when you're ready to do it. No sooner, no later.




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Hey Drayse

Cool name. Welcome aboard. Great place to asking question, making friends and hopefully find answer . 

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

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  • Forum Moderator
Timber Wolf

Hi Drayse,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!


Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolfūüźĺ

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  • Forum Moderator
On 1/25/2021 at 2:50 AM, Drayse said:

Pleased to meet all of you. My name is Drayse and I am a bisexual transwoman among other things.

Hello @Drayse, It’s a pleasure to meet you. Apparently, I missed your intro from yesterday. Your story has so many similarities to mine. It never ceases to amaze me just how many here have traversed similar life paths. And after the years of struggle, it’s nice to meet here in this safe and friendly place. I look forward to reading more about you in the coming months if you feel the desire. Share as you like...there’s no judgement. We try to help, encourage, and offer friendship.


Warmest Regards,

Susan RūüĆ∑

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On 1/25/2021 at 8:50 PM, Drayse said:

I never left my kids to fend for themselves when I had parenting time with them, but they did see me cry often in front of them.


You sound like a great parent Drayse. I only have stepchildren (three boys), but I wish I'd cried more in front of them.

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  • Posts

    • Delcina B
      Myles, Great topic! Self doubt definitely, preceded by years of denial. I'm at the point where I need to explain it to my wife; I'm not exactly sure how she will take it. But I realize this much, I am a happier person & kinder to others when I'm my femme me. I try not to rush things, as long as I relax it seems to naturally evolve as it's supposed to.   Hugs, Delcina
    • Jackie C.
      I happen to know that the number one authority on steam engines in the United States, if not the world is a trans professor. A friend of mine counts her among their friends (they're all steam-engine enthusiasts together). I don't remember where she teaches though. I just remember that it's somewhere fancy.   Hugs!
    • Charlize
      As  trans person I felt terribly alone for years.  Much of that was because I was hiding from the world.  As an alcoholic people would say I was killing myself.......well da, I knew and embraced that reality.  I have been blessed in finding sobriety with others like myself.  Their support whether virtual or in person has been so helpful.  We were able to get sober together. This site is a virtual platform for knowing others and making friends.  I have certainly made some deep friendships here and while I have been blessed to hug several members there are many who I’m close to despite distance and isolation.  We are here for you, just as I hope you are here for us.  It may not have the fast excitement of a club but in my experience that doesn’t last much past the night.  Remember that you are not alone!   Big hugs,   Charlize
    • Jackie C.
      Telling parents was the (second) hardest one for me. ¬† My friends were all, "Yup. That makes sense." The only question I got was, "What do you want us to call you?" ¬† My spouse was the hardest. The minute or so between when I told her and her response after she thought about it was the longest hundred years of my life. At the end though, she was more, "Eh, these things happen. I love you no matter what you look like. Besides, I like breasts." ¬† I dragged my feet for longer with my folks. It was 3-4 months later when I came out to my mother during a session where I was showing her cool things she could do with her computer. I was seeing my endo for the first time either that week or the week after. She responded poorly. Her body language immediately closed up and was all, "Well, your doctor can straighten this out." My doctor did straighten things out, but not the way she liked.¬†ūüėČ Now she's anti-doctor. The only true¬†doctors who know what they're talking about are apparently veterinarians now (she's a vet). She's rejected the entire medical profession and all psychological fields because they're either wrong, stupid, predatory or some combination of all three. Like I said, the crazy is strong with her. ¬† That reaction made me put off telling my dad until after Christmas. I didn't want any holiday drama to make things any more tense than they were already going to be. I came out by e-mail. If my mother was so against me I was afraid that dad would do something violent. Of course dad was lovely, so I was worrying over nothing. ¬† My advice to you would be to develop a plan. Start with the parent you think is going to be most supportive. Don't make the same mistake I did and go with the homophobic one. One-on-one time is important. The power dynamic is already skewed in their favor, you don't need them to outnumber you. Sit them down and say your piece. Provide documentation if available. For example; "I've been to this psychologist and they gave me a diagnosis of gender dysphoria." Slap down a copy of your letter of recommendation. Then answer questions because they'll probably have questions. Once the first parent is done, give yourself a break and then contact the other parent. I've been told that other people's parents talk to each other and it's better if they hear it from you than their spouse. Repeat the exercise. Answer their questions, then let them discuss amongst themselves. ¬† Maybe they'll be onboard, maybe they won't and maybe they'll be onboard with conditions. No matter how it works out, you have discharged your duty and the event is fading in the rear-view mirror as you move forward. ¬† Hugs!
    • Sarahnr1
      belive  me  i know  its  a living pain in the  .....   It has  managed to put  my life on hols d as well JUST when i finaly   began to get somewhere  ( found  a  LOVELY partner  and  well we are on hold  until things  calm down over here  HOPFULLY  tho were  able to finaly meet this spring  )      I understand  its  hard   (despite all the  garbage you most likely read  about Sweden  we are as close to total lock down as can be  right now  and we have had  restrictions  ever since )     Yeah we have that  BS  over  here as well  (only its  with the Astra  vaccine    They are working  on it  tho and  as  more  adults  have takend  the vaccine   will be  shielded  by those that have takend it .   Just read today  that youre predident   have declared   that its  expected  thet the majority of  US   citizens  WILL  be vaccinated   by June so its  not  that there isent  a  light in this tunnel dear   (infact same  goal is  over  here  by Midsummer  PROVIDING  we get  our  doses  alredy contracted )  BUT as i said  just because   the vaccin is  in you DONT mean youre   immune  to this   and sadly i would say  we need to accept  that there will be  some  restrictions  needed   in one form or level  or another  for  a  the rest  of this year  (This  DONT mean  full lock down  and  restrictions  will be  lowerd   im shore   come  summer  as more and  more  have been vaccinated.    And you should also know that US  have  WAY faster rate  and  vaccine  then we have over here in EU  So its   most definetly on in US   to get better  my friend. The  problem  is if  restrictions   are  removed  or lowerd  to fast  or to much   you risk getting  hit again (we are actually now in wave 3  )   And we  havent lowerd  only increased  as the  sitution have  changed.  So what we all need to try is  to have some patince   my friend  and remember  one year  ago    NOONE   belived  we would have vaccines  done  alredy.    And  belive  me  i agree  its  frustrating  as  .....  waiting  for the darn vaccine  and all the  flipping  restrictions  messing  up the  entire world  so i understand  youre frustration   BUT   go as far  as  suicide  due to it   NA   thats  just  stupid  my friend. & you know as well as  i do that you actually dont want to either.    HANG in there it WILL get better  my friend  THAT i can guarantee  you  and  its  not  that far  of  either                     
    • Myles97
      I personally feel my self-doubt through the roof right now. Thoughts about my gender are literally consuming me. I think it’s because I have been trying to come out to my parents the last three days and can’t work up the nerve to do it. It’s making me so angry at myself. It’s starting to get to be a bit too much. I thought telling a friend would ease a bit of the burden but it didn’t. I still feel overwhelming dread for having to tell my parents and it has me consumed with self doubt. I guess my brains way of trying to convince me to just stay in the closet. 
    • Jackie C.
      In my personal experience, when a tech realizes she's wearing a skirt and is therefore unable to modestly, for example, crawl under desks to attend to cables, she grabs a male co-worker and makes him do it. This method probably won't work for you in the field, so you'll need to pack a male co-worker (or at least someone wearing pants) in your truck for deployment as needed.   I suppose you could also wear leggings, boy-shorts or other appropriate garments under your skirt. That would mean you vacuum-packed a co-worker for nothing though.   Hugs!
    • ElizabethStar
      I don't know, so far it hasn't happened. I have a pair of jeans in my trunk just in case but I haven't worn them in a couple years.    
    • Myles97
      @VickySGV and @Carolyn Marie thank you both for sharing that with me. That makes me feel a lot better. I’m from the south and I don’t see a lot of out trans professors around here. I totally understand why, but it had me so worried that maybe there weren’t any. Thanks for giving me hope!!! I definitely want to move either up north or to California after graduation. 
    • Transgirlkatie
      This things has been going on for a year now, I can't stand social distancing and wearing masks past the summer. And what I'm concerned about is that too many people will refuse the vaccine, sadly in the USA theres a bunch of anti vaxxers, and then there's the issue of we don't have a vaccine for kids yet, and it might take till next year to get one. And we can't vaccinate that many till we can vaccinate kids because they're 22 percent of the population
    • Willow
      Hi,   catching up here, well skinning mostly.  Y’all been pretty prolific writers.   I don’t have my pilots license, I started that with my son as my instructor.  He is a commercial airline pilot with more ratings than I can keep up with.  He paid a lot of his way through Embry Riddle by instructing other students.  We had to stop when 911 hit. The school he taught at was too close to Dulles and was in the exclusion zone.    I have my motorcycle endorsement.  I used to ride a Harley Ultra Classic.  But it became unsafe for me to continue riding it after I tore up my shoulder.  Some days I miss riding but mostly not.     @KymmieL I hope not being able to get to Spokane for that interview didn’t set you back.   I've been doing outdoor spring clean up now that we have a break in the rain.  The rivers are finally receding.  We had some flooding at the marina, four to eight inches of water covered the road in.  Everything here is tidal so now it just floods at high tide. Hopefully that will be gone by Monday.   I continue to add people to my coming out.  So far so good.   until next time   Willow  
    • Bri2020
      I feel ya sister.  everywhere I turned the last few days I felt attacked.  Damn algorithms figured out I'm trans/LGBT and have filled my news feeds with all the negative news.   I know there's positive movement happening for us but it gets so drowned out by the hate.  I had to call in someone to take over for me at work because I spiraled down so bad.    Continuing the other topics of flying and bikes, I gave up my bike a few years back when it just became too painful to ride with my back issues.  I hope someday to go get my single engine license someday.  I miss flying from my Army days. I was a Huey crewchief back then and 99% of the time a passenger but occasionally got some stick time on maintance check out flights by some less than by the books pilots . They're justification was I should know the basics in case they were shot.  Never could hover but I got to the point where I think I could bring her back and land if I had to.  
    • Jamie68
      I'm a retired sheet metal worker of 40+ years. A skirt just wouldn't do. What do you do when you have to climb up a ladder?
    • LusciousTheLock
      Yep, the news gets you like that. I try not to read anything regarding LGBT+ anymore, as its always negative.
    • LusciousTheLock
      This is a great thread. My self doubt came from the fact that I had tried so hard to be a cis male. What a great bloke I was. Bought my first house at 24, married at 25, four children. Worked hard, played hard. Petrol-head and sex addict. We even made adult movies in my 20's!   It was all lies, and I was hiding from the truth. The self doubt was always am I mad? What happens when someone finds out?  later it became am I too old to do something about it?   I can pretty much mirror Jackie C's timeline. Thank god World of Warcraft had bald female orcs!
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