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I Relapsed ='(


Ellie Jean

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Ellie Jean

I hate cigarettes; I want to go back in time to kill the person who first thought that inventing cigarettes was a good idea; I hate that person more than friggin' Oppenheimer. 

Last night at approximately 11:00 PM my 4 and a half day run at quitting cigarettes came to an end. Since that time I've smoked 8 cigarettes...which granted is WAY fewer than I normally would've smoked by this time, but still.

I'm a little freaked out I may cause a blood clot...but at the same time I feel it's not too late to quit again and hope for the best. Before relapsing I did a crap ton of research online to try figuring out just how dangerous it is to smoke while on HRT, and sadly I discovered it's probably not as dangerous as I've been led to believe; turns out loads of transwomen smoke and drink with no negative test results; the chances of developing DVT are about the same as a cisgender woman developing DVT from smoking on HRT: It's low. It's still a POSSIBILITY, because like, a small handful out of dozens and dozens of trans people ended up developing clots in one of those mass survey sort of things done by research groups for medications, but there's no real way of telling if the few who developed clots developed clots for totally unrelated reasons; just in case though they have to list it as a risk.

Sooo...I don't THINK I'm gonna die, but this needs to seriously be my last pack;  hell I don';t even think I'll finish the whole pack; I think I'll probably set a time for tomorrow at 4:20 AM and break up all the remaining cigarettes so that hopefully I wouldn't have even smoked half a pack in a two day period. 

PS: I HATE CIGARETTES!!! RRRRRAAAAHHHGGHHGHHHH! =P

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Ellie Jean

It all started because I bought some weed. My reasoning was:

Nicotine = Vasoconstrictor + HRT = DVT
Marijuana = Vasodilator + HRT = No DVT

So I figured I could smoke weed despite it being a trigger for me to smoke cigarettes. WRONG lmao. Never shoulda bought any. Screw cigarettes, and SCREW weed too.

I also bought a ceremonial beer to have one sip of when I give up the cigs and weed tomorrow. I have an OCD thing about quitting all three substances at the same time. =P

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Ellie Jean

...At least I'm balancing out the vasoconstrictor with a vasodilator; I imagine it'd be worse if I were only smoking cigarettes without smoking weed to counteract the vasoconstrictor aspects. 

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I can't count the number of times I gave up smoking.  Each time seemed to worse that the time before.  It wasn't until a doctor refused to treat me if I didn't stop that gave me the push to stop.  Now I can't imaging ever wanting to start again.  I can't give much in advice.  All I can say it that you'll quit when you really want to quit.

 

Lauren

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Ellie Jean

Indeed; I'll probably let my HRT doctor know that I relapsed a few days in and smoked like half a pack over the course of a couple days before breaking the rest in half and calling it quits again. By the time I go to my next appointment with her weeks should have passed with me staying quit as opposed to just a few days lol.

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Jackie C.

Again, quitting nicotine is hard. How's this for motivation: I misremember which clinic this was but they said that of all the GCS surgeries they've done, the only one that was non-orgasmic was a heavy smoker. Try to taper down. Then quit.

 

If you needed more motivation, your Endo might cut you off because of your smoking habit because they don't want the liability.

 

You can totally do this. Keep trying until it takes.

 

Hugs!

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Ellie Jean
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Again, quitting nicotine is hard. How's this for motivation: I misremember which clinic this was but they said that of all the GCS surgeries they've done, the only one that was non-orgasmic was a heavy smoker. Try to taper down. Then quit.

 

If you needed more motivation, your Endo might cut you off because of your smoking habit because they don't want the liability.

 

You can totally do this. Keep trying until it takes.

 

Hugs!


Thanks; the second one is better motivation for me lol. I'm not even sure if I'll get any kind of bottom surgery yet; some days I think maybe I'd like to get a cosmetic vaginoplasty/vulvoplasty; other days I think I'd rather keep my little boy parts lol. 

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Ellie Jean

I kinda have a medical phobia lol.

 

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Jackie C.

Fair enough. I obviously don't, but I've had bronchial asthma since I was six-weeks old. Probably caused by my undeveloped immune system being around heavy smokers. The point being that when you see doctors constantly while you're growing up, they're just part of the landscape.

When I was little, I screamed like I was being murdered when I was giving blood though. Finger pricks HURT. I've still got a bit of a phobia about that. Now? Meh. I can't watch the needle go into my arm, but unless the nurse is especially inept, I'll be able to sit there and take it.

 

We'll keep rooting for you though. You can quit if you want to, but quitting a substance you're physically and psychologically addicted to sucks.

 

Hugs!

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Ellie Jean
3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Fair enough. I obviously don't, but I've had bronchial asthma since I was six-weeks old. Probably caused by my undeveloped immune system being around heavy smokers. The point being that when you see doctors constantly while you're growing up, they're just part of the landscape.

When I was little, I screamed like I was being murdered when I was giving blood though. Finger pricks HURT. I've still got a bit of a phobia about that. Now? Meh. I can't watch the needle go into my arm, but unless the nurse is especially inept, I'll be able to sit there and take it.

 

We'll keep rooting for you though. You can quit if you want to, but quitting a substance you're physically and psychologically addicted to sucks.

 

Hugs!


Indeed; as a little kid my autism was a lot worse and I would totally lose it whenever I had to go get vaccinations/inoculations, or get my blood drawn. ...I also spent years in an abusive psychoward for boys when I was 12-17 years old; long story short, it was a horrific period of my life that I still have nightmares about, and now anyone in a lab coat kinda looks like an enemy to my subconscious brain lol. =P

Way better at forcing myself through my fears nowadays though lol.

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5 hours ago, Ellie Jean said:

I HATE CIGARETTES!!!

I'm pulling for you.

I know from experience quitting smoking is hard. But it is worth it.   I mean, they make you. sick and smell bad.

 

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Ellie Jean

Indeed; my long-lost-cousin Emily told me just the other day that I still smelled like cigarettes after having been quit for four days; I think it must've been my coat. I need a whole new wardrobe and bedding set after being quit for at least 28 days lol. That's like the magic number in a lot of rehabs; at least the ones my parents went to for their alcoholism. Mom's been sober for 25 years. Dad's still a violent drunk and meth-head; fortunately I caught him cheating on my mom with a bunch of different people and ratted him out so they'd finally get a divorce and mom and I could run away together like I'd been wanting us to for years...And we did, lol. Good riddance I say; if I never go back to Alaska again it'll be too soon lmao.

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Ellie Jean

Quit again for a day and a half. Relapsed again today. 

And just noticed the typo in my thread title lol; I forgot to add the parenthesis to complete the sad quasi-emoji symbol lol: ='(

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  • Petra Jane changed the title to I Relapsed ='(
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Petra Jane
3 hours ago, Ellie Jean said:

Quit again for a day and a half. Relapsed again today. 

And just noticed the typo in my thread title lol; I forgot to add the parenthesis to complete the sad quasi-emoji symbol lol: ='(

Sorted. 😉

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Hi Ellie Jean, It's tough to quit anything we are addicted too. The stopping isn't the problem, heck when I was drinking and smoking I could quit anytime and did. STAYING stopped now there's a toughy.

A lot of us had to be honest with ourselves as to why we drank and smoked, then remove those triggers. Not easy but it can be done. You just need to want too. 

Over on this side of the world Endos wouldn't take you as a patient if you smoke, end of story. No HRT, nothing.

I should note I stopped a long time ago and have stayed stopped.

Just take it one day at a time, 1 hour at time if you need to. Just keep trying.

 

Hugs

Robin

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Jackie C.
5 hours ago, Ellie Jean said:

I forgot to add the parenthesis to complete the sad quasi-emoji symbol lol: ='(

 

Now here I thought it was meant to be an emoji for smoking: Cigarette " = " and rising smoke " ' "

 

@Robin.C is right though. A lot of endos would drop you for smoking. In any case, you quit for a day and a half. OK, that's great! Now quit for longer. Just because you didn't make it this time doesn't mean it'll happen again. It's just like anything else. If you want it, keep trying until you make it.

 

Hugs!

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I had staples in my ears and hypnosis.  I used patches and gum.  I'd quit for a couple of days and start again often hiding my smoking from others by wearing gloves and using mouthwash.  I didn't even quit after a heart attack and open heart surgery.  When i finally made the decision i knew it was going to be hard.  I knew that one puff would prolong the pain.  I made it, day by day.  Often it was a matter of minutes not days.  Today that is gone!!!!!!!  But i also know that if i have one cig i'll want a pack and the pain will start again.  We can quit so keep on trying.  It is probably the most important thing you can do.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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CD Rachel

@Ellie Jean quitting smoking was a very difficult thing. A couple of things that helped me. I had already quit and relapsed twice.  So for my third attempt I smoked my last cigarette crushed the pack and went to bed. Never had another cigarette again. Do not try to tapper off or have just one puff today. Cut it off. Done is done. You need to decide to do it and it must be done for you and no one else. You only need to avoid one cigarette, that is the next one.

 

There are two things that you need to break to quite, the nicotine addiction and the habits. The nicotine will be gone from your body by the end of three or so days. Dealing with the nicotine cravings will last a little while longer. Some find it easier to use the nicotine patch or gum, but for me that just prolonged the inevitable and did not help me the first time I quit smoking. I also had to work hard to break my habits. I had some coffee stirrer straws that I would suck on from time to time especially in the morning during my morning coffee and during the times of day that I would take a smoke break.

 

I hope you see something here that helps you, good luck we are all pulling for you.

 

Rachel

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@Ellie Jean I was never a hard core 2 pack a day smoker but I also had a really hard time quitting.  My wife wanted me to quit, I wanted to quit, but the situational/social habits of smoking always won.
Then one day I finally made a very small and seemingly insignificant change in my mind set ... I switched from "I want to quit smoking" to ... "I don't want to smoke anymore"

 

It sounds like the same thing, but its not.  I loved cigarettes, I loved smoking during the "special" times, but when my mind switched to "I don't want to smoke anymore" .. I didn't.  That was about 20 years ago now.  I don't miss it.

 

Keeping trying.  Eventually you will win❣️

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Ellie Jean
On 2/8/2021 at 12:19 AM, Petra Jane said:

Sorted. 😉


Thanks! XD

 

On 2/8/2021 at 1:58 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

Now here I thought it was meant to be an emoji for smoking: Cigarette " = " and rising smoke " ' "

 

@Robin.C is right though. A lot of endos would drop you for smoking. In any case, you quit for a day and a half. OK, that's great! Now quit for longer. Just because you didn't make it this time doesn't mean it'll happen again. It's just like anything else. If you want it, keep trying until you make it.

 

Hugs!


LOL, I totally see it now; (the quasi smoking emoji lol).

And indeed; my record for staying quit now is 4 and a half days. Relapsed again today. Quitting again tomorrow at some point. Hoping the beer is acting as a blood thinner and the vasodilation effect of the weed is also helping to prevent clots. I've also been throwing half the cigarettes away; sometimes physically, other times just by not inhaling half my drags and just letting all the smoke out so I'm not actually ingesting any nicotine. Also smoking the lightest cigs I could find. Hoping by the time my next appointment with the HRT specialist I'll have been quit for over a month. That sounds sooo much better than just a few days lmao. XD Gonna be totally honest with her; she asked if I would be if I relapsed and I said I would be lol. ...She didn't specify whether to let her know immediately or wait til our next appointment. I'm waiting til our next appointment lol. If she meant the other one she should of specified that; I'm autistic, she knows this, I take things literally, without specifics I won't understand. =P
 

On 2/8/2021 at 6:42 AM, Charlize said:

I had staples in my ears and hypnosis.  I used patches and gum.  I'd quit for a couple of days and start again often hiding my smoking from others by wearing gloves and using mouthwash.  I didn't even quit after a heart attack and open heart surgery.  When i finally made the decision i knew it was going to be hard.  I knew that one puff would prolong the pain.  I made it, day by day.  Often it was a matter of minutes not days.  Today that is gone!!!!!!!  But i also know that if i have one cig i'll want a pack and the pain will start again.  We can quit so keep on trying.  It is probably the most important thing you can do.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize



It's definitely the most important thing I can do. Thanks! *Hugz*

 

 

On 2/8/2021 at 7:05 AM, CD Rachel said:

@Ellie Jean quitting smoking was a very difficult thing. A couple of things that helped me. I had already quit and relapsed twice.  So for my third attempt I smoked my last cigarette crushed the pack and went to bed. Never had another cigarette again. Do not try to tapper off or have just one puff today. Cut it off. Done is done. You need to decide to do it and it must be done for you and no one else. You only need to avoid one cigarette, that is the next one.

 

There are two things that you need to break to quite, the nicotine addiction and the habits. The nicotine will be gone from your body by the end of three or so days. Dealing with the nicotine cravings will last a little while longer. Some find it easier to use the nicotine patch or gum, but for me that just prolonged the inevitable and did not help me the first time I quit smoking. I also had to work hard to break my habits. I had some coffee stirrer straws that I would suck on from time to time especially in the morning during my morning coffee and during the times of day that I would take a smoke break.

 

I hope you see something here that helps you, good luck we are all pulling for you.

 

Rachel


Thanks for sharing! I was the same way with the patches and gum; it just made it worse lol. Weaning off isn't an option for me; cold turkey is the only way I've been able to quit before.


And I've found chewing bubble gum and chewing on my pacifier helps a lot, (I'm an infant at heart lmao.)

 

On 2/9/2021 at 4:23 AM, KayC said:

@Ellie Jean I was never a hard core 2 pack a day smoker but I also had a really hard time quitting.  My wife wanted me to quit, I wanted to quit, but the situational/social habits of smoking always won.
Then one day I finally made a very small and seemingly insignificant change in my mind set ... I switched from "I want to quit smoking" to ... "I don't want to smoke anymore"

 

It sounds like the same thing, but its not.  I loved cigarettes, I loved smoking during the "special" times, but when my mind switched to "I don't want to smoke anymore" .. I didn't.  That was about 20 years ago now.  I don't miss it.

 

Keeping trying.  Eventually you will win❣️


Thanks; I was a three pack a day smoker less than a year ago lol. I've only been a pack or less a day smoker now. Hoping tomorrow it'll finally stick. It's just that if my mom's still smoking it's super hard; she says she'll quit with me, but every time I end up finding out she didn't actually quit and then I relapse, so hopefully she's not completely full of -crap- this time lol.


 

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Ellie Jean
On 2/8/2021 at 6:42 AM, Charlize said:

I had staples in my ears...


Staples...in your EARS??? ...How the heck is that supposed to help? That'd make me want a cigarette even MORE lol. XD

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Jackie C.
12 hours ago, Ellie Jean said:

Staples...in your EARS??? ...How the heck is that supposed to help? That'd make me want a cigarette even MORE lol. XD

 

I'm going to guess intimidation. "Stop smoking or you get another staple!" You know, mafia style. Like "Quitters Incorporated." Which you're too young to remember but... Quitters Inc.

 

It made it into the movie "Cat's Eye" which is fun if you like horror anthologies.

 

Hugs!

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