Am scared of it all and I feel like am about to ruin my life

[Alex-John]

hi av been on T since november 2020 i fought hard to get the T but now am scared i,ll get attacked in mens bathroom for not passing well enough  and also for some reason i want to walk down the road holding my partner hand and not get attacked for it , am scared of the person that lives above us he is on drugs and has smashed windows of the stairwell of our block of appartment  he voltile and has had the police raiding his partners house  both of them on drugs , this morning there was blood on the speaker of the intercom out side of the appartments  the only people that could done it is him he also gets my partner to get a taxi for him but last time he called two diffrant taxi company  and my partner had to deal with an angry taxi drivers , he laves rubbish everywhere and his partner isnt meant to have him there ,he hates everyone else on the block of appartments and had started to cause problems with us   my partner deal with him  because he keeps knoecking at our  including at 3 am because he needed battery for his tv remote AT 3 AM  and he keeps coming to the door my partner doesnt get crosws with him but its becoming a big problems . i just wish he would go away  on top of that there is the ops av never had one before and am scared about it am WHAT IF  ing .... scared ill not like who i become , but i really want to do it but am scared of it all and lockdown on top of that i need to get to under bmi 30  am 36 at the moment ....its just stressing me out  i cant stop thinking about all this  it feels too much , i feel like am going to have break down on top of this i have started to get tics as in a tic disorder because am so stressed   ......i dont want to give up being me  but its so scared of it all

[Jackie C.]

Wow. OK, step one: Breathe.

 

Step two: What can you do to get his volatile backside out of there? What's it going to take? Police involvement? The building manager? I have no idea. I'm only third generation Scottish. The only thing I've experienced personally is my great-grandmother's accent.

The point being: Find out what you need to do to get the crazy person ejected, then get him out. 

 

You certainly don't need the stress in your life... well, ever... but especially not right now.

 

As for the men's bathroom thing: At least here in the states if you so much as look sideways at another man in the restroom you will cause the end of Western Civilization as we know it. It is simply not done. You stomp through the half-inch of blessedly unidentified liquid that always seems to be on the floor, do your business, then stomp out. Hand washing optional because men are gross. You don't make eye-contact. Ever.

Again, I'm not sure if it's different in Scotland but here in the states nobody would notice.

 

Seriously though, get help with the crazy neighbor. He needs to go.

 

Hugs!

[Carolyn Marie]

Jackie has some great advice for you, Alex.  You really do need to work on getting that neighbor evicted.  But I would enlist the aid of other neighbors who feel as you do.  It will be harder for the building management not to act if there are several tenants angry about it and demanding action.

 

Do you have a therapist, or can you arrange to find one?  That would help alleviate some of the stress you're feeling.  But I know how hard it is to get a doctor or therapist under the NHS.  Look, if you need to take a break from the T to sort things out and calm yourself, then its OK to do it.  You can restart when you're ready.  But it sounds like the fear and uncertainty is getting to you.  

 

I've met so many trans men who are less than 5" 6' and they don't seem to have much difficulty with passing as men, especially if they get some facial hair on.  Do you work out?  Getting some muscle tone would help with passing if you don't have much now.  Also, I am 5" 3' tall, and I was 5" 3' tall when I was seen as a man.  No one ever said to me, "you're so short, you must be a woman."  There are plenty of shorter guys around, even famous actors. 

 

So relax hon.  You can fix this, and you can make it.  You just have to keep working at it, and work on getting rid of that drugged up neighbor.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Alex-John]

I live in the uk we dont have building managers here its cousil houses  meaning the locial goverment, my partner says he hasnt done anything wrong since the windows and the poilce being here  but its not his flat  its his girlfriends  he lives there most of the time  but he more of the pain in the ass than anything else am just scared of him and there is no logcal reason for me to be scared of him  i worry away too much its all what if's   my head is going around and round with intrustive thoughts ocd and bpd as well on top of that now i have tic disorder  so i say things  that i dont mean to say  its linked to stress and anxiety  i tell myself stories in my head  he has stopped coming from to the door the blood on the speakers might not be his , i just dont want trouble , i let my fears get to me  i cant stop over thinking i have medication  but  for some reason i cant stop over reacting to stuff  and its not helpful i have fear about nearly everything  and the what if's  i make myself unwell sometimes  and its cycle  i cant seem to stop

[Alex-John]

I Cant stop being who i am , most of my life i have been hiding who i am out of fear  , why is should i let the fear of the unknow get to me so much i came out  and left my family to be the hateful people they are  toxic family apart from my 18 year old neice who is LGBT  herself and in care because of my abustive mother , she managed to get away from her she found the coruage to ask for help from socal services  , i wasnt as brave as my neice . I am 44 and i have waited to long long time to get where i am now Am not letting my fear get to me I will get fit and i will use weights, Why do i fear this person who has never been abustive to me personally , it the fight or flight responce  so i must fight  not fight fight , just  get myself better mostly meantally i have disorders that mess with my head  at one point during last year id meditate ever morning that i have not been doing of late  i think i need to get my head back there and do it , am fitter than i was , Christmas 2019 i was 101kgs  am now 79kg  lost weight to get to under BMI 30  am 36 at the moment Why should i listen to my head my voices  the terrorists in my head  that just want to distroy me , i have to fight my head everyday with BPD and OCD av also having vocal and psycal tics , i have a tic disorder , its hard to deal with but i must , i must do this become a man that i want to be ... i will not stop until i am  and am not letting others get to me or frighting me back in the closet . I WILL BE ME