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Trigger. my abuser died and now things are coming back


goodnewsihope

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It started at 3 years old. Along with various other abuse until I escaped. At least I thought I did.

 

My parts feel safe enough now to come out (aka Disocciative Identity Disorder). And with my parents dead, we feel safe enough to be the queer we always were.

 

The only problem now that I know about some of these parts, I am not sure what that is.

 

Just really scared. I was thinking, you know, maybe in my middle age I'd be free.

 

Divorced 17 years ago. My girlfriend and best friend murdered 6 years ago this  Tuesday.

 

I want to be with someone. But with a head like mine....

 

 

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hey @goodnewsihope, welcome to TransPulse! Lovely to meet you.

 

There is almost certainly someone out there for you if you don't lose hope. You might need some extra care, but we all accumulate our own baggage as we move though life. Yours might be a little heavier than some, but an understanding person can look past that and see the wonderful being within.

 

You're not the only person here with DID. Some of them have me on follow. Hopefully, there will be one along shortly.

 

My advice as a first step would be to find yourself a therapist to help you work with your DID and the trauma you've mentioned. In the meantime, we're always here to listen without judgement.

 

We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

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  • Admin

One part of DID that people do not often hear about without digging in to it is DID Amnesia which may not create an Alter, but is totally out of your memory for long periods of time.  A therapist and I are talking about a ten year period of my life that became a complete blank, even of very good things that other people remember well.  As the memories are coming back to me, I am having to sort out the good from the terrible which in a sense splits the people I was involved with into two people each.  I now see many of the people involved as 200% people, 100% terrible and 100% people to remember with some fondness or honor.  I cannot use the old model of a person being X% good and Y% bad to have it even out to a single 100% that I can then fully dismiss from my life which would fragment me  As said above, a therapist who is not afraid of DID and knows how to work with it is what you need to be doing in order to heal from your very real past.

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Thank you vickiSVG and @Jackie C.

 

I have a therapist I have been seeing for more than 5 years. She is great and is more than willing to learn about DID.

 

I am also going to a hypnotherapist to help with the really bad triggering and PTSD symptoms I am having. He has other clients with DID.

 

He's great too. 

 

In treatment during this crisis situation, I should be seeing one person 2 or 3 times a week. But that's not going to happen in this country. I'm lucky to see anyone.

 

And if I lose insurance again...not good.

 

I've been in therapy on and off since 13. But no one was willing to believe I had parts. So I suppressed it.

 

No one believed me about abuse. No one helped help. The family I have left, my siblings, blame me for the divorce, call me attention seeking (as have some therapists), I am everyone's football.

 

Thank you for welcoming me. 

 

I joined some trauma groups online, but it doesn't feel like a good fit. I'm older than the next oldest by 20 years.

 

Just feel so alone, so crazy. My girlfriend understood but an opioid addict murdered her 6 years ago.

 

Sometimes I'm so tired. I'm never allowed peace and safety. I was beaten for even mentioning being queer in my journal. I was beaten for telling. I was beaten for begging for help.

 

So now I am terrified and the little girl I was so long ago is still trapped in a closet.

 

So who am I?

 

I like females.

 

My gender is female and male at the same time, now that I don't have to hide.

 

(No idea what label that is now - my daughters laugh at me being so old fashioned.)

 

What do I actually like, if my parts are other things?

 

Just so crazy making. So alone. No one to take care of me. Just people to take care of. I even have to take care of my parts too.

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  • Admin

Whenever you need to vent, to let your feelings out, to try and make sense of everything, we will be here for you.  I'm glad you have good therapists, hon.  Take care of yourself.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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