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My partner of 18 years has come out as trans


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Okay. Hello. I thought I'd post an intro here.


My partner of 18 years has come out to me as transgender. I can't say it's very much of a surprise, to be honest. They've always been very atypical when it comes to gender norms, and they've never balked at poking at the boundaries of gender. They've borrowed my clothing and worn makeup in the past. One Hallowe'en, over fifteen years ago, we dressed as each other - them in my clothes with a stuffed bra and me in their clothes with a beard drawn on. I didn't think of it as anything but goofy fun at the time, but in hindsight... yeah. I can't say I'm totally surprised by recent events.


We have a lot of LGBTQ+ friends and family. My sister is lesbian and I adore her and her wife. She was always the "tom boy," hated wearing skirts or "girly" things, very sporty, all that. However, she's never wanted to be trans. She has zero interest in BEING male, she likes being a woman, she just wants to BE a woman on her own terms. I call her "gender non-compliant," because she refuses to comply with the socially expected gender norms, and she refuses to change, too. I love her with my whole heart.


We have more than a few trans friends as well. My best friend is gender-fluid and has recently asked to go by "they/them." It's hard to remember, because I've known them for twenty plus years, and it's difficult to remember the switch. Habits are hard to break, especially linguistic ones. I slip up on occasion, but I'm trying.


And now my partner. We've been together since early 2003. As I said, I'm not deeply surprised, or blindsided, but I am... anxious. Worried about the future. They asked me what I thought it might mean for us, and I had to answer that I honestly didn't know. I am willing to try, but... I've always been a straight, cis woman. So this transition is not only about them finding and becoming their true selves, but I might also have to change how I think about myself, too. And that's kind of scary.


So that's where I am. We're still in very early days -- my partner hasn't even asked for any pronoun changes yet (thought I'm already starting to use they/them, just because it feels kind of weird using he/him still). But this is the path we're just starting together, and they're looking into HT with their doctor and therapist.


I've read a bunch of past posts already, and I'm glad to see this isn't quite as "uncharted waters" as I sometimes feel. It seems a lot of people have already/are going through this, too. I'm not yet 100% sure what I'm going to need, or what I'm looking for -- I think for now I'm just appreciating the fact that I'm not alone in this. I just want to say hi, I'm here, I'm not yet truly struggling with this, but I think that's not far on the horizon. I think I'm just seeking out safe spaces for myself for when I'll need them.


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Hello and welcome.  No you are not alone.  When and if you do struggle, its okay.  This is hard from both prospectives.  Ask for help.  Keep the lines of communication open.  I now it may feel like you're drinking from a fire hose but it will calm down soon enough and you can think clearly about what you want and need.  Being understanding is the best gift you can give each other.  



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Thank you. I'm glad that I've had the exposure that I've had to the LGBTQ+ community, as this isn't as world-rocking for me as it is for others, I think. We have several trans friends, so I know both my partner and I have support there, but I thought I might need a place away from those I know to talk/vent/question with a bit more privacy.



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2 hours ago, Clawfoot said:

I thought I might need a place away from those I know to talk/vent/question with a bit more privacy.

Yes sometimes this is what we need.  I think you'll find this to be a good place for that with caring people. 

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  • Posts

    • Heather Nicole
      Awww!!! This is so raw and tender! ❤️   I'm sorry for the difficulties involved, but I'm glad that it sounds to be an overall positive outcome. Coming out can be a wild ride, no matter what the nature of the relationship. And the closer, the wilder!
    • Heather Nicole
      Huge congrats on taking this step, Holly!!! 🎉🎉🎉   I'll admit I have very little experience with this particular process (yet!), although I have looked into it for gender-unrelated reasons. FWIW, My impression is that name changes tend to be so routine (ex: marriage, dissociating from a bad father, forcing a preferred nickname like "Bob" instead of "Robert", etc...) that the whole judge thing is usually more of a formality. My (novice?) understanding is they mainly just want to prevent anyone from trying to make cheap, obvious attempts at dodging debts or warrants. If you're even bothering to apply to change your name from a masculine one to a feminine one, well, chances are you're a legit transgender person, because, well, how often do cis people try to put in an application like that?   And if you're still concerned, then consider this...   A certain cisgendered man, named Vincent Furnier, legally changed his first name to "Alice" all the way back in the 1970's (Just think how LGBT+ was perceived way back then). His new last name? "Cooper". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Cooper   I absolutely understand your worry and apprehension. But girl, for what it's worth, I don't think you have need to worry. FWIW, I personally think a "no" is highly unlikely, and on the super-off-chance it were to occur, I have a hard time imagining that an appeal wouldn't overturn it.   Girl, You've got this! 💖     I love this story! 😄
    • KymmieL
      Warm weather, getting out the bike and just riding. working on the car or truck or something outside. Spring fashions, shorts, skirts, and dresses. actually being able to exercise is one thing too.   Kymmie
    • MisterJax
      Thank you! Try to stay warm  
    • Jandi
      Well, It does initiate some permanent changes.  So… For me it was an "are you really serious about this?" moment.
    • JMG
    • Linda Marie
      Well all my new to meet friends, I felt like starting something crazy so here goes... I'm a pessimist, I have always looked at the worst case scenario in any situation. How many times did being a pessimist work out or not work out for you?  Now not to be biased all passivists are more than welcomed to post your  side and your views, hmmmm   who will be first?                 
    • Betty K
      Hi Linda Marie, nice to meet you, and thank you for your inspiring story.     I just don't understand this at all. What is there to hate? The so-called deception? Or is it just straight-up transphobia? You don't need to answer these questions if they're too personal btw, I just feel the need to say them.   You are a brave woman. Thanks so much for sharing.
    • Betty K
      Great production on some of Drake's stuff, but I prefer Kendrick. This one never gets old.      
    • Betty K
      I think this will probably happen with us too. I can't imagine she'll disown me for it! And maybe it'll actually make it easier for us to be friends in a way. I hope so.
    • Linda Marie
      I'm dressed as I feel, smile on my face, 
    • Linda Marie
    • MelanieTamara
      Thank you so much for sharing that. "Accept the outcome".  That is incredibly wise. Oh, and welcome from a newbie as well.
    • Linda Marie
      Hi, and that is not a rude question, actually a very good and validated question. I will be brief  and to the point. I have 2 children, Both were in early to mid teens, my wife and I married 24 years at the time I came out. It went bad!! Not well, screaming, crying, saying I lied to them all this time. What saved our relationship was really just me. Everything I had done for them those first 24 years. It was not easy and didn't happen over night. Wife had to go to counseling to learn about my gender dysphoria. That helped tremendously.   My son never took it well. Still hates me to this day. Daughter is just fine with it. Wife still loves me. She even buys me Linda Stuff.  I have no advice to those just coming out except to accept the out come.  I expected the worse and was prepared for it, that also helped a lot.          
    • Willow
      Personally I like the starfish.  I hate jellyfish season.  Baby sea turtle hatchlings are really cute.   Hugs!
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