Looking for Answers

[JN Orange]

Well, where to begin? I'm in my 40s. I was AFAB, but it felt like that was unimportant at best, or even wrong at times. I knew I was gay, or bi. I've been with men and women and transgendered people. I wasn't sure what that had to do with my gender, though, if anything. I may not be a woman, but I don't exactly feel like I'm supposed to be a man. Just definitely not fully a woman? Sometimes both, one, the other, neither? I don't know how to explain it. My wife (passed away- a beautiful angel inside and out) and I explored this some a couple of decades ago. She was so open minded and helpful. But I let it go when I lost her. I can no longer ignore it, though. I want to figure it out. I tend to play the "masculine" role in most areas of life, and I enjoy it. There's times I enjoy "girly" things (decorating, cleaning, I love rainbows, unicorns, and such), but I also don't ever wear makeup, I shave my head, and I mostly only like men's clothing. So fast forward to recent years. I'm married to a wonderful man. He's open minded and loving, but he certainly identifies as straight (He knows I don't and is 100% cool with that). I've mentioned this gender issue very casually to him and it didn't seem to be a big deal to him at all. Not sure how to go on from here. But I feel like I need to live who I am at last, rather than just keeping it all as this secret inside of me that I pretend doesn't matter and ignore. I hope this makes sense. What am I? What do I DO about it to feel more like myself? I don't like my body, but at the same time, I haven't felt the urge to medically alter it. Unfortunately, I'm an uninsured American with no extra money, so therapy won't be an option for me. So I am trying to figure this out on my own or with some help from a forum like this. Thanks for listening if you got this far!

I'm not sure which pronouns I prefer- so for now any are fine. 

[IseulK]

Hello there,

 

First of all, you sound very self aware and that's a great start.  It is tricky with your husband identifying as straight, however always try to keep in mind that this is about your identity and life.  It sounds like you know that.  I understand about the body thing being nonbinary myself.  Remember that you don't have to have gender dysphoria in order to be trans :).  The only advice I have for you presently is to experiment.  Try introducing yourself with different pronouns (although it's totally ok to not have any preference).  Sounds like you are already dressing the way you like, which is great.  Talk to as many people as you can about their experience with gender.  I am always willing to.  

 

Live who you are at last!  Best of luck to you!

Iseul (they/them/he/him)

[JN Orange]

Thanks so much!! Yes when I first shaved my head my husband wasn't sure if he would like it. But to his credit he said I should do what makes me happy. And now guess what? He LOVES it. So I ultimately think he will be good with it all, especially since I genuinely (and NOT because of him) don't want to fully medically transition to a man. I'm not a man- I'm just not a woman. I do feel like I might prefer to present more masculine, and when people call me sir and assume I am a man I do like it. It's all so confusing, but I am glad I found a place to talk and learn and relate! 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi JN Orange,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[JN Orange]

Thank you! 

[Charlize]

Somehow i felt that when i transitioned i had to go "all the way".  The process of finding and accepting myself has been a lifetime pursuit.   I now live, present and am seen as a woman yet i still engage in many "masculine" pursuits.  I am on hormone therapy and have had some surgery.  HRT has helped me feel so much better about myself but certainly isn't for everyone. 

Perhaps what made me accept myself more than anything was being here with other folks with gender issues.  Reading about the paths they had found ass i shared my own has been so helpful.  I did see a gender therapist for some time and that was helpful as well.  My insurance didn't cover my visits which perhaps forced me to open up and share sooner and more fully.  I'm glad you've joined us.  Your not alone

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Vanessa Michelle]

@JN OrangeWelcome to the group! ❤️

[Confused1]

Hi JN Orange. Welcome to Trans Pulse. I am AMAB but have felt somewhat similar to you. Not driven strongly to either side. I am out to wife and select few. My wife is straight as well. I am without hormones due to ADT for prostate cancer and subsequently realized how much I hate testosterone. I am enjoying the changes that have been happening. I am getting GCS soon to fix a botched prostate surgery. It helps a lot when your spouse is supportive.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Drayse]

Hi @JN Orange, welcome to the forums! ? Hoping to see further posts from you in the future.

[JN Orange]

Thank you everyone! Sorry it took me so long to check back. I really appreciate all the replies. It's definitely nice to know I'm not alone on this journey. In the last week or two I have definitely been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, and some research. 

I don't have insurance and am American, so I'm not sure I'd be able to pursue any kind of therapy or medical transition. I haven't seen a doctor since I was a child and I'm in my 40s. But I don't necessarily feel like I need to medically transition. I think some of my confusion in the past was feeling like I had to do that, or my feelings weren't legit. Or something like that. 

I'm still unsure exactly how I'd label myself (and for whatever reason, I would appreciate being able to do so). That said, I've gotten some masculine clothing and shaved my head (I'm tall, with some masculine features and have never worn make up or been girly, so that's been easy enough) and I can tell you that I feel comfortable or even proud of how I look for the first time *ever in my life* and what a feeling that is!!! 

Hope everyone is doing well- thanks again for the warm welcome!

[Ivy]

Welcome  JN Orange