Thoughts about coming out to spouse

[SheenaT]

Just when I think I'm getting ready and formulating the words she makes some comments about those transgender people. Like a knife in the heart with each cruel word!?

[Jackie C.]

Well then it looks like it's going to be your job to educate her. It could just be a case of not knowing (or not knowing that she knows) any other trans people. I mean she obviously knows you. How many others have slipped underneath her radar? There's a lot of negativity towards trans people out there. How much of it does she really believe and how much of it is just parroting talking points she's heard on the TV or the radio?

 

That said, some people are reachable, some are not. I've been disowned by family. They have to want to be reached. You're going to need a contingency plan for, "What happens if I come out to my spouse and she reacts poorly?" I'm not sure how much pain you're in exactly, but I can tell you that if I hadn't come out when I did the only way you'd be able to talk to me would be with an Ouija board. Consider your options and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

 

If things blow up in your face, we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces. We're good at support.

 

Hugs!

[Delcina B]

Here's a hug & a shoulder! I've been wondering what to say to my wife. I need to tell her I just don't want to hurt her. She surprised me one day when I was dolled up about six years ago. That's an interesting story for a later date. I think people fear the unknown & what they don't understand. I know I can if I don't keep an open mind & have faith. Not to mention the stigma society places on anyone different. Someday I hope it will be different; acceptance is growing it just doesn't seem fast to be coming fast enough.

 

Chin up girl!

 

[SheenaT]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Well then it looks like it's going to be your job to educate her. It could just be a case of not knowing (or not knowing that she knows) any other trans people. I mean she obviously knows you. How many others have slipped underneath her radar? There's a lot of negativity towards trans people out there. How much of it does she really believe and how much of it is just parroting talking points she's heard on the TV or the radio?

 

That said, some people are reachable, some are not. I've been disowned by family. They have to want to be reached. You're going to need a contingency plan for, "What happens if I come out to my spouse and she reacts poorly?" I'm not sure how much pain you're in exactly, but I can tell you that if I hadn't come out when I did the only way you'd be able to talk to me would be with an Ouija board. Consider your options and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

 

If things blow up in your face, we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces. We're good at support.

 

Hugs!

Thank you. I'll know more after talking to my therapist but I anticipate a VERY ROUGH ROAD AHEAD!

[SheenaT]

1 hour ago, Delcina B said:

Here's a hug & a shoulder! I've been wondering what to say to my wife. I need to tell her I just don't want to hurt her. She surprised me one day when I was dolled up about six years ago. That's an interesting story for a later date. I think people fear the unknown & what they don't understand. I know I can if I don't keep an open mind & have faith. Not to mention the stigma society places on anyone different. Someday I hope it will be different; acceptance is growing it just doesn't seem fast to be coming fast enough.

 

Chin up girl!

 

?

[Jackie C.]

Well, if being trans was easy everyone would do it.

 

OK, not really, but we'd transition sooner, there would be less hiding to avoid consequences (social, monetary, etc...) and we'd happily integrate into society as our chosen gender. There would also be ice cream. It would be lactose free if you needed it and taste wonderful.

 

The point being that being trans can be a very rough road no matter what you have to deal with and how you deal with it. Transitioning has social consequences and is expensive. Not transitioning damages your mental health. There's no road map to success. We all need to find the solutions in our own lives that have the best results for us.

 

Hugs!

[Confused1]

Most people have a pretty distorted idea of what transgender means. Some can be won over easily. Others take a lot of work. Then there are those that will only believe their own "facts" and not want to hear or know the truth. It is hard to figure out ahead of time which one of those someone will be, because almost all cis-people seem anti trans until they get to know one of us.

 

I pray your wife is one of the first two categories. As you know, mine was number two.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[SheenaT]

1 hour ago, Confused1 said:

Most people have a pretty distorted idea of what transgender means. Some can be won over easily. Others take a lot of work. Then there are those that will only believe their own "facts" and not want to hear or know the truth. It is hard to figure out ahead of time which one of those someone will be, because almost all cis-people seem anti trans until they get to know one of us.

 

I pray your wife is one of the first two categories. As you know, mine was number two.

 

Hugs,

Mike

? thanks sis. It will be really difficult 

[Bri2020]

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

[SheenaT]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

Thank you. I need encouragement right now.

[SheenaT]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

Wise words. I know she has trust issues as evidenced by her behavior towards me i.e. wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing constantly. If I'm not with someone she knows she wants to know why etc. It has made me quite angry at times. I can't seem to go anywhere or do anything unless it's in secret unless she approves.

[LusciousTheLock]

I can echo all the above, and you may have read how I did it- Strangest ways of coming out... Not totally recommended if your relationship isn't as "Creative" as mine. 

 

The worst one I had to do was actually my boss. Everyone in the office knew about me and so I went to talk with my boss who is bit of a dinosaur. Nice fella, but opinionated. I told him about my depression and how it was started by low testosterone and some realisation about myself, when he interrupted me... "Well, we all get problems as we get older. the ones I don't get are those F*king Perves. Forty, married, Couple of kids. Suddenly decide they want to be a F*king woman! What's that all about?". I told him I would speak with him later and crept out of his office about 3" high.

 

It took me six months to try again, and after several "Are you sure about this" and with 10 other members of staff looking on through the window, he eventually looked back at me and gave me a hug. He admitted he was a dinosaur, but said he wasn't afraid to evolve with my help. Actually, he's never failed to call me Tamsyn or call me She / her. in the six months since.

 

I think the answer is- give her a chance. You need to be you. If it fails, it fails. Nothing can change that.

[SheenaT]

4 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

@SheenaT my ex-fiance did the same thing to me that your wife is doing to you now. This is why she is blocked from calling me now. I tried explaining everything to her over and over again. I even told her I would put off GCS for her, then she decided at the 11th hour she didn't want me to transition at all. I told her that was not her choice since we are not together, and now are not going to be together since you can't be any kind of supportive. Obviously you are a grown person that has her own mind, and can make her own choices, however if your wife can't support you maybe it's time to move on. You can try to educate her, but if she continues to make derogatory comments about transgender people there comes a time to make a choice to stay in a toxic relationship, or move on for your safety and mental wellbeing. 

Respectfully, 

Gina 

Thank you Gina ?