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Hi people. Linda Marie here


Linda Marie

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About me. HMM. somewhat normal at times. I came out over 20 years ago. Just had had enough of hiding. 

Wife took it hard at first but stood with me. Went on a ride during the years after I came out. 

Sometimes the ride was smooth sometimes rocky, but all worked out.

I can't express enough how coming out changed my life for the better. Sure a lot of pain along the way, but

with it came peace. One more step behind me.

I have attended trans community meetings, conventions, gone through electrolysis, doctors and more.

So here I am, still male to female. Still loving life. 

I'm fully retired now and see no need at my age to have surgery, 

All my friends, relatives, co workers know about me and seen me as Linda.

I am no secret here. So How did I protect my job?

I came out and used all my resources, and succeeded, and retired. Happy ending.

But it took work!!!!!! 

I look forward to meeting the members here. 

Sincerely, LM...❤️

 

  

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1 hour ago, Linda Marie said:

I have attended trans community meetings, conventions, gone through electrolysis, doctors and more.

So here I am, still male to female. Still loving life.

That's so good to hear. I was not as brave. I stayed closeted, dressed for 20 plus years and chose to sacrifice and comply with the cultural expectations of a male with wife and kids.

 

I hope this isn't too rude but may I ask, Did you have children? And if so, how did you come out to them?

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Hi, and that is not a rude question, actually a very good and validated question. I will be brief 

and to the point.

I have 2 children, Both were in early to mid teens, my wife and I married 24 years at the time I came out.

It went bad!! Not well, screaming, crying, saying I lied to them all this time.

What saved our relationship was really just me. Everything I had done for them those first 24 years.

It was not easy and didn't happen over night.

Wife had to go to counseling to learn about my gender dysphoria. That helped tremendously.  

My son never took it well. Still hates me to this day. Daughter is just fine with it. Wife still loves me.

She even buys me Linda Stuff. 

I have no advice to those just coming out except to accept the out come. 

I expected the worse and was prepared for it, that also helped a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you so much for sharing that. "Accept the outcome".  That is incredibly wise. Oh, and welcome from a newbie as well.

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Hi Linda Marie, nice to meet you, and thank you for your inspiring story.

 

2 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

My son never took it well. Still hates me to this day.

 

I just don't understand this at all. What is there to hate? The so-called deception? Or is it just straight-up transphobia? You don't need to answer these questions if they're too personal btw, I just feel the need to say them.

 

You are a brave woman. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Linda Marie,

Welcome to Transpulse! I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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Welcome Linda Marie! You are brave, beautiful & an inspiration. I'm just beginning this journey of exploration where for so long I suppressed who I really was inside. I don't know where this road will lead, but I'm going to do my best to enjoy the ride.

 

Hugs,

Delcina

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I don't think my son is transphobic, he does have 2 gay friends. He just always held

a grudge against me and others. He was a troubled youth, then when I came out he started using

me as his excuse for being so screwed up. I had a firm Linda talk with him about using me as his excuse

and to face himself in the mirror. Okay, enough about him lets talk about me.

Brave? I don't fall into that category. I was very scared, I was at a state of mind that if I don't open up

I'll loose my mind. I hid this all my life thinking it would go away but it just kept getting stronger.

Scared, yes very scared when I confessed. I didn't plan ahead on this, I didn't know how it would turn out.

 

 

 

 

  

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The year was 2000, With shaking hands and tears I confessed to my wife.

After the fire works were over, my wife became very supportive of me. I started going to clubs and bars

in the trans district and then one night a gentle man asked me my name. I was shocked and didn't know what to say, I didn't have a woman's name at that time so I just said David, my name. He says, no, I mean your stage name. Gosh I was embarrassed. I told him I don't have one yet and we had a good laugh. That night this new person became Linda Marie. And my journey really began. It has been a hard journey at times, and rewarding at other times. 

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I think bravery can come out in periods of desperation. We either have courage to walk out of the fire or are consumed. For me the flames are being fanned. I hope I find the door & that my family will accept me; at this point that is my biggest fear. Love the club story!

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Coming out will change your whole life. I am in no way trying to encourage anyone to come out.

By changing ones whole life is permanent. You will never be able to go back and erase it.

Not only is your life changed for ever so are the lives around you.

One stands to loose it all, part of all, and no one will see you as yourself again.

Just because it has worked out for me does not mean it will work out like that for others.

I'm one of the very few lucky ones. My journey has been far from glam. I post the good times, but there

has been a lot of emotional pain on this journey and I don't just mean me, it affected all those close to me.

 

 

 

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Fear, I thought I knew about fear. So by the year 2002 I'm well known as Linda. By 2004 I'm going to trans conventions, I'm out not only in North Carolina, I'm out in Atlanta, Nashville, Galveston and many more places.

Fear, The look in my wife's eyes went I left, fear that I would not come back. That was real fear.

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Yes, how it would affect my family is weighing heavy on my heart. I have a granddaughter who I was/am able to love, nurture & care for since she was 9 months old. I am her & her sister's father figure. I don't know yet, tears flow just wondering what if it devastated them & the rest. A walk of faith, each day asking my Creator what my next step is.

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Linda Marie,

Thank you! Honesty & the experience of others is so helpful & this forum is a place I am finding it.

 

Delcina

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Linda and welcome.  Your experience is typical of many of us.  Some good and some not so good, but you and your marriage survived.  I've also been married 45 years.  It takes work.  Please join in, I know you can make a difference here! 

Cheers, Jani

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11 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

Brave? I don't fall into that category. I was very scared, I was at a state of mind that if I don't open up

I'll loose my mind.

 

You wouldn't be brave if you weren't scared. But I understand, yes, the pressure just builds up until it becomes unbearable.

 

I relate to the nightclub story. Years ago I was given my first female name by a fellow club-goer when I too went out nameless. I grew out of that name and then it happened again, and someone else gave me the name Betty.

 

Sorry to hear about your son. I hope he comes around.

 

Nice to know you Linda x

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Thanks. I want to move away from my past now and focus more on who I am now at this site.

After all, I am, still on my journey...?

  

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Great.  The future is what we make of it.  I'm trying to get all I can!!

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      They put her in a room with soft walls, low lighting, even a soft floor, for observation.  The bed was fastened to the wall and the blankets and sheets on the bottom and far side could not be pulled out.  There was a built in pillow.  There was a stainless steel toilet with a tank on the other side of the wall and a stainless steel sink where you had to put your hand under to start it. Lukewarm water.  Soap dispenser with the tank on the other side of the wall. Small black half-globe in the middle of the ceiling.  Soft grey walls.  If this did not drive someone crazy, nothing would.  No clock.  Just the ventilation constantly humming and no outside noises, no window, no clue as to the time of day.  She had a hospital gown on and paper underwear furnished by the hospital, lest, she supposed, she find a way to kill herself with her regular underwear.  That would be a sad way to go. "Please put my gi in cold water. 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Nope.  He ate a TV dinner she had bought him and tinkered with his motorcycle and went to bed.   The next day he ate a breakfast that happened to be there from the stuff Taylor had bought, which made him miss her even more.  He went to the church they had visited Wednesday night, partly because he was curious, but mainly to sit next to the chair she had sat in Wednesday night, as if that would make her appear.   Worship was similar to Wednesday night and Brother Mike spoke.  Before he began he saw Bob and in surprise said, "Sir, I wanted to catch you Wednesday night but I didn't. Can  I ask you please to stay afterwards and come up here and talk to me?" That was fine with Bob.  They also had information no one in town had.   The sermon, altar call and closing song over, Bob made his way to the front. Brother Mike came over to him.  "Sir,I want to ask your forgiveness for want it must have seemed like to you Wednesday night.  And on behalf of my wife, for Tuesday. She had Taylor confused with someone else.  Will you forgive us?" Quite the start.  "Sure." "In 2015 I was the youth pastor at Hutton Church." [Hutton is a little village outside of Roosevelt, consisting of a church, half a dozen houses, a gas station and a Dollar General Store. The kids go to Roosevelt schools.] "Small world." "I remember there was a terrible assault on one of the youth at the high school, and there was a prayer campaign for that boy. He made a full recovery.  I recall a number of  news articles even though the family requested privacy.  I remember a Bob being mentioned as a close friend of the assaulted.  You strongly resemble him, and I am puzzled by your companion. She looks like the boy a lot.  That is why I kept looking in your direction.  Not in accusation." "She was him." "Really." "This is the same Taylor people are talking about - who changed from male to female?" "I think she was never a male, actually." "Really.  Well, I didn't build this church by accusing anyone or making anyone feel bad, and I think both those things happened with you and - Taylor.  I want you to know you are welcome here.  If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.  Did you know that over half this church came forward Wednesday night with sexual issues of one sort or another?  You are not alone. Excuse me, that is presumptuous, that you have such issues. I have no right to pry.  But thank you for coming back."   Not bad, Bob thought. Not bad at all.    A quick fast food lunch and he was at the hospital.  Was she being discharged? He was her ride, so they were willing to tell him. He could wait. And he did.        
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      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. 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"What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
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